Humdrum Conundrum

Greetings fellow members!

As ever, despite the deepest complexities of existence being ever present in my life, and having a decent grasp thereof, I am confounded by the most mundane and seemingly simple things, and am in need, not necessarily advice, but of opinion. I shall lay out the conundrum as follows.

A lady, who has been my friend for many moons, has rather captured my interest. Because her circumstances with regard to her feelings for her ex are unresolved, and because basically it would never work between us for reasons best just accepted by yourselves than explored over much, I decided not to mention anything to her about how I feel, because it would needlessly complicate an already vexing situation, and because nothing much would come of it anyway, save someone or someones getting their feelings hurt.

And so, I have spoken not a word of it to her since I discovered my interest in her. We have spoken of many things, but not of that, all very platonic and entirely above board, of course.

But I recently found out from a friend, that the lady to whom I am referring, and one of her friends, had been in discussion specifically related to my feelings for her, without my ever having uttered a word of it to either one of them. Now, it IS perfectly possible that despite my unassuming and entirely gentlemanly conduct, some unconscious signal was released, and picked up on by the friend of the lady in question, or by the lady in question herself...

But the real kicker is, what the hell do I do now? The things that made it unwise to press the issue, namely the impossibility of it all having any outcome other than one resembling a bus crash at a petrol forecourt, have not changed, but now you see... well its like this.

Before, I did not know that she knew. But now I know that she knows, would it be weird if I did not let her know, that I know, that she knows? Or is it better to just assume that she knows that I know, that she knows how I feel, and say nothing more about it? What is more, does any of that even make any bloody sense at all, because I am at the end of my tether entirely?

Carry on as usual , things will work out on there own .

a reply to: TrueBrit

Is this the same lady from your November 6th thread? if so, she or someone who knows you both read or are members of ATS.

Go for it, broach the subject with her

a reply to: VengefulGhost

Thank you for your input and your time.

I appreciate it.

a reply to: corblimeyguvnor

If you mean my November 3rd thread, then yes.

I do not believe that the individual in question is a member here, although it is possible that they read the odd page here or there.

Welcome , and goodluck hope things work out for you .

Oftentimes people ovethink things and make them far more complicated than they are .

a reply to: TrueBrit

Because her circumstances with regard to her feelings for her ex are unresolved, and because basically it would never work between us for reasons best just accepted by yourselves than explored over much, I decided not to mention anything to her about how I feel, because it would needlessly complicate an already vexing situation, and because nothing much would come of it anyway, save someone or someones getting their feelings hurt. 

Dude, you can't think like that. If you really like her then you need to go for it. It may crash and burn but at least the ride down will be sweet.

Opportunity knocks, rarely. Take your chances.

Anyway just my .02 hope it all works out man.

Obviously, this calls for a gentle approach to the lucky lady friend. You could gently ease into a discussion of how you have admired her with a few antidotes of how and why and see if she picks up the bait. Be sure to be prepared for a few long pauses of silence to give her the opportunity to respond honestly. Be prepared for a bit of non-response-it may take her time to gather her thoughts and emotions as you have admitted the the situation is a little dicey.
Basically-it's hard to avoid rejection if it comes to that so keep that in mind and try to protect yourself emotionally for a letdown. For us all, unrequited love is the worst, but your deep intelligence and ability to override your emotions will pull you through. Best wishes-you're a winner (and much admired by many here) any way this goes-just remember that.

if you were to die right now, would you regret not telling her or could you live with it (or die with it)?

Answer that and it will become clear as to what you should do

I guess first of all, is this a "true love" situation or "try it and hope for the best" type thing? If you really, truly think she's "The One".....throw all those negative thoughts out and go for it. You never know what's going to work til you try it and constantly thinking "It can't work" will get you exactly where you are.... Alone and wishing for something you think you can't have.

a reply to: TrueBrit

Adult friends shouldn't hide anything from each other and should be able to discuss anything and everything, even if it's awkward.

a reply to: TrueBrit

Back when I was single, I discovered the secret to letting my feelings be known to women..

I talked to them..

I suggest that is what you should do..

Just talk to her...

Opinion, not advice. Sixty years of past regrets and two ex wives (third time's the charm after 22 years) here.

Probably best to let it be, she doesn't "know" how you feel, she has been told someone else's opinion or conjecture about how you feel. The cat isn't out of the bag yet (so to speak) - but the bag has been recognized!

If your lady friend is at all interested, trust that she will bring it up, if not, then why open that can of worms yourself, given your feelings of how things would transpire. (petrol forecourt explosion? ouch)

Keep awareness of how you interact, is there a difference now that she "knows"? Maintain your balance.

ganjoa

originally posted by: semperfortis
a reply to: TrueBrit

Back when I was single, I discovered the secret to letting my feelings be known to women..

I talked to them..

I suggest that is what you should do..

Just talk to her...

Semper is wise

Talk to the woman. Don't over complicate it. Communicate it.
my 2cents

a reply to: TrueBrit

I can imagine you would be attracted to someone very intelligent and perceptive.

She likely picked up on your clues, or her friend, regardless of how unassuming and inconspicuous you attempted to act.

The 'cat's out of the bag' so to speak so, in my opinion, it would be prudent for any potential romantic situation or the continuing friendship to get it in gear and have a conversation with her perhaps over a drink or lunch.

I've never regretted reaching out to someone even if the experience was less than I had hoped but, I have regretted not doing it.

There you have it, clear as mud, go for it!

And, good luck.

a reply to: rockintitz

I appreciate your feedback rockintitz.

I will take it under advisement.

a reply to: TrueBrit

You just shoot yourself in the foot following your old fashioned idea of what being gentlemanly is.
If being a gentleman is suppressing emotions, and fear of sharing said emotions with someone you claim to trust, well I see no solution for you.

Being too scared to tell someone you are romantically attracted to them reminds me of junior school.
why would it be spoiled if she knocked you back? Ego to sensitive to accept it and carry on as friends.
At least that would make your friendship honest, because right now the platonic element is a lie.

You are just hiding the lie, either through fear or some misplaced Victorian idea of chivalry and gentlemanly behaviour.

You'd be too intense for any of my female friends, they'd be scared that you have ideas of marriage instead of starting with having some fun and seeing how it goes.
Lying about how you feel would put them off you as well, signs of dishonesty and/or insecurity.

Just my opinion of course, you did ask a public forum.

a reply to: Justso

The thing is, I am not looking for anything to happen here.

The only reason I am considering saying anything at all, is to avoid it being weird between us because of something we both know is going on, but have not spoken about. If she had never picked up on it/been told by a friend, I would be a much happier camper.

I know that probably seems weird, but things are WAY too complicated in BOTH our lives for different reasons, for either one of us to be in the best state to deal with anything happening at all. Its very aggravating.

originally posted by: TrueBrit
The thing is, I am not looking for anything to happen here.

Not a fan of the ladies, are you Trabek?

You are such a dear man TrueBrit!

The way I see it, you have but few choices of action.

1) Continue the friendship as is, mentioning nothing of which you know - HOWEVER - know full well that this may lead to:

2) Existing in a perpetual state of angst, possibly for many more years down the road - ultimately culminating in watching her enter into a new relationship with someone else altogether.

3) Tell her everything in your heart now, in no uncertain terms - lay your entire heart bare upon the table.
The ball will then be in her court.

What number 3 does, is ultimately sets YOU free, (and something in your writing tells me you are needing this on a soul level).

After a period of processing what you have shared, she will either be yours forever, or decide otherwise, thus leaving you in a period of grieving for that which was not meant to be.

While ultimately the latter is not desirable, it still results in eventually being free from the angst that you live daily now. The alternative being, kicking the can down the proverbial road and waiting it out, potentially losing too many years in the process.

I wish you and your heart well, kind Sir. [[Hugs]]

Note ~ It is not necessary to convey the entire backstory of the third party's admission - just your heart and feelings at present - for now.

Should you end up together, you can then further discuss what moved you to motion, as you reflect upon your romantic beginnings...