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The Quotes of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
1. The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.
2. Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
3. Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
4. Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
5. Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
6. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
7. It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
8. Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
9. Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
10. The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.
11. Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
12. Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
13. I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.
14. What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
15. Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
16. We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
17. Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
18. Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
19. The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
20. 'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.
21. The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.
22. Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
23. Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.
24. My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
25. It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.
26. We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.
27. I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
28. Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.