Last Wishes ..... Or not?

This is a personal situation which I am currently in the middle of. My mom is in the hospital with Congen Heart Failure, leaking heart valves, and up until today, her liver was failing. She is 76, and all the tests are inconclusive as to why her liver is failing. My sister, and I were told by her Dr. If she makes it through the next few days, we can expect rehab, and then hospice or nursing home, all depending on how she does at rehab.

The problem! My mother had 5 kids prior to marrying my father and having 3 more. I discussed it with my sister, and we both agreed we should call the other kids. They haven't had a relationship with my mother in years. Some of them over 30 anyways. We felt it was important for them to make peace with each other.

They were grateful we called them, but my brother is pissed. My sister didn't want one sister there (who it turns out they had a good visit). I guess she was afraid it would upset my mother.

I am in the middle between my sister and brother, who, I'm guessing due to the severe stress of the situation, change the game plan every other day.

I guess my ? Is this: Would you have notified the other kids?

Yes. If some of your sibs have a problem, it's THEIR issue. They need to grow up.

a reply to: KTemplar

I couldn't really tell from your OP if your mother had communicated to you all that these were her wishes or that she was able or not to communicate.

If those were her wishes, of course I would've contacted everyone.
If it wasn't what she wanted then, they would have no right to know anything that she didn't agree to.

It's harsh yes but, what's most important is what's her desire and pleases her. They can go back to being estranged later.

Hope that helps?

Good luck to you mother and your family.

originally posted by: schuyler
Yes. If some of your sibs have a problem, it's THEIR issue. They need to grow up.

Thank you I desperately needed to hear that

a reply to: TNMockingbird


She was complaining that they never contact her a month ago, which signaled to me she wanted to reach out! She'll forgive me anyways, she knows I won't let her leave with regrets!

Thank you!

Yes....I would have called them. Let them make the choice to come and support or not. Let them live with their decision....do not decide for them whether they get to come and see their mother during her time of illness. At this moment it's about your mother , and her health , and not petty squabbling amongst siblings .

a reply to: KTemplar

Yes. You did the right thing. You let everyone know whats going on. Now that you did...stand by that...back off...and let nature take its course.

No matter who disagrees with you taking the iniatitive....all are your Mom's children...and all have a right to know. Unless she SPECIFICALLY told you NOT to.

And, its not up to you now to make everyone "play nice". But, I think you did do the right thing. Good for you!

a reply to: Meldionne1

Thank you for the advice! I totally agree!

a reply to: mysterioustranger



Thank you for that, I took a lot of flack from both my brother and sister about the one step-sister; but as a daughter,
I couldn't imagine not saying goodbye to your mother, and finding their peace. Which they did, thank god. I definitely have stepped back as far as the other matters are concerned, because it's already turning into a # show

You did the right thing!

But keep in mind, "no good deed, goes unpunished"

Sorry for the cynicism but any dealing with my family always turns into a cluster +*+* I hope yours is different.

Yes - you absolutely did the right thing.

Once your mom is gone - and I'm so sorry you are dealing with that pending reality - then it is too late. No second chances, at least on this side of the veil, to say "I'm sorry" or simply "goodbye". There might be some pain now, but it will fade. The pain of never getting that chance, the pain of "what if"s can last a lifetime. You did the right thing for all parties.

Sending you virtual hugs...

You did the right thing. It's a pity it wasn't the easy thing, too

Things could be a lot worse in the future if your siblings had lost their last chance to say 'goodbye' to their mother.

Try and hold onto that thought - one day you will know 100% that what you did was right and fair to everybody.

a reply to: [post=21523293]olaru12[/post

Thank you Olaru12, yes, they are all over me about it. In time, they will know it was the right thing to do

a reply to: VegHead

Thank you for your kind words; and I too believe that it had to be done! My poor half sisters and brothers did not have a good life. I would hate for them, and my mother, not to have closure

a reply to: berenike


Thank you Berenike. It's funny you mention that, because, my sister keeps complaining that I am always thinking 2-3 steps ahead, and she says she can only handle the moment, which I get for her. She is shutting down, and someone needed to do it I felt. Later she will realize this was the best thing to do for all involved.

a reply to: KTemplar

You still did the right thing. It took courage and youll never make everyone happy you did this....but your Mom would be...Im sure she is.

God Bless....and dont worry....you will see her again

Best, MS

a reply to: KTemplar

Exactly! You know you did the right thing. I'll pray for your Mom and the family. My thoughts are with you at this difficult time Honey! Hugs!

a reply to: KTemplar

i'm so sorry you're going through all that. you definitely did the right thing. remember everyone is stressed out right now, and both your sibs also want what they think is best for your mom. so try to keep everything else as easy on them as you can, too. i wish i had a magic wand that erased drama.... i suspect it would create world peace lol unfortunately sometimes all that is unavoidable. i sincerely hope that the other sons and daughters make amends with your mom and in the process your sibs realize it actually was the right thing. no matter what happens, you are focused on giving your mom a life without regret, and that's a beautiful thing.

a reply to: KTemplar

i'm so sorry you're going through all that. you definitely did the right thing. remember everyone is stressed out right now, and both your sibs also want what they think is best for your mom. so try to keep everything else as easy on them as you can, too. i wish i had a magic wand that erased drama.... i suspect it would create world peace lol unfortunately sometimes all that is unavoidable. i sincerely hope that the other sons and daughters make amends with your mom and in the process your sibs realize it actually was the right thing. no matter what happens, you are focused on giving your mom a life without regret, and that's a beautiful thing.