Some of you might already know it but...
It's true that I've been haunted by things.
And my fault was that I tried to share it with the world. I realize that now and I apologize. Because it's like I asked for too much. It's like I
set up and framed the world to fail me, in part by holding such high standards... and also by simply sharing my burden because by sharing it I have
caused the world to become guilty in the process.
Because now we all know. And guilt accompanies knowledge the same way innocence accompanies ignorance.
It's like when you get a new job and if you do something wrong you can always just say, "oh well, I didn't know that because I'm new." And you get a
pass for a little while because no one expects you to know everything all at once... but after you've been informed like three hundred times and
you're still playing dumb? I think then your ability to do the job at hand will be questioned... and rightly so.
And it's like I am the one that's told everyone the thing three hundred times and still, no one gets it. Everyone has failed me. So now I live in a
world full of guilty people... simply because I've told them what I know.
Because after we know about a thing we can't exactly unknow it, can we? But we can play dumb in order to avert personal responsibility, surely. We
can say that we didn't know, even after we have been told three hundred times. We can say that we forget everything a lot, cause we're getting old.
We can say that we didn't believe it because we just couldn't... but no amount of willful ignorance can save us. We'll still suffer the consequences
no matter what. Cause the truth is like gravity... it's stronger than our subjective perceptions and it'll all catch up to all of us eventually,
kinda like Bernini's cracked tower.
But apparently I'm asking for too much.
And I've fought... for higher standards maybe?
But the cognitive dissonance is stronger and bigger than I ever will be. I am just one small thing and it's so big. It swallowed me whole.
And I am sure now that we were never meant to be so set apart... so alienated and ostracized. I hate being alone. But it's all my fault because I
tested the world by simply sharing what I know and had I never spoken out, had I never tested my environment, then my friends and family would have
remained innocent and I wouldn't be living in a world where now basically everyone has entirely betrayed me. And I know that now.
Just about everyone will choose a comfortable lie over the painful truth any day of the week because frankly, people just aren't quipped to handle the
truth. And frankly neither am I. I've nearly snapped. My body literally suicided on me via the onset of an auto-immune disease... and I'm fugging
broken. Despite all appearances I'm broken, and I'm lost, and just deeply and profoundly wounded. And I'm sorry guys, I'm really fugging sorry for
saying it. I know that I'm going to have to start saying it less because frankly, sharing what I know with you will only just make you guilty. And I
don't want you to be guilty at all... so I apologize. I'll stop it I promise.
I realize now that people have to be slipped the truth like dropping a couple of rophy's in their drinks when they're not looking; they can't know
that they're being served the truth or else they'll reject it. And so... there's always art.
It's been exactly one year since I've joined and shared my tale here (my thread was promptly removed, if you remember)... and now I am apologizing for
ever sharing it.
I know when I've lost... and I've lost.
And it's about accepting the reality of things most of all, instead of fighting it. It's about something being bigger and stronger than us... you
can't fight it forever. Sometimes, you need to give it and yourself a rest, too. And that's where I'm at now.
I have to break free from the old paradigm where I've made everyone guilty. Because I can't live in a world where everyone is so utterly... guilty.
It's bad for my health and furthermore, it's just wrong of me to do that. I'm the one at fault here, guys. Because God knows the population is
increasing and amazing things are happening and knowledge is spreading and so much good stuff... that my little life with it's problems are really
just microscopic in comparison. And how dare I be so judgmental anyhow.
I've learned a myriad of extremely painful lessons this past year that I've been a member of ATS, and I want to thank you all for paying attention and
being part of my journey here.
I thank you.
And I'm also still sorry about everything, too.
edit on 7-11-2016 by geezlouise because: (no reason given)