Please comment on my writing style for my graphic novel

The Rain Stopped. [frame 1]

And the sky finished weeping as the city remained in twilight relegating the darkness a another day has passed as others open deeper kinds of wounds in a deeper kind of darkness. [frame 2-3]

The aftermath of the hours of rain laid a reflective surface even on the rusted steel bridge highlighting even the smallest of oxidized metal stains appearing from the under sides of each rivet. The yellow lights of the gas lamps and their kindred flames made each puddle come alive, the old cobblestones in old city danced. [frame 4-6]

"F***!" "Work you god damned lighter!" [walker speaks frame 7]
FLICK FLICK FLICK... The grinding of steel against flint timelessly throughout the empty apartment echoed throughout the dwelling. In between each attempt the flashing warding off the shadows only for a moment. [frame 7]

[Frame 8 description] Walker inserts the needle in his arm and the blood flows around his arm as he starts to fall out from a drug overdose.

[Frame 9 description] Walker wakes up in "hell/ afterlife" basically on a different planet/ reality he basically falls from the sky alone and naked and is approached by strange beings
"What do you remember Walker" [Being speaks to Walker]
"I was in my apartment, getting fixed and now I am here."[walker replies]
The being gets insanely angry "DESCRIBE WHAT YOU REMEMBER TO THE LAST DETAIL YOU PRIBBLING LITTLE # WORM!!!" [being speaks to walker]
[being uses some kind of magic or technology causing walker great pain from the inside out]

"I trembled and shook and watched, slowly the cigarette fall from between my fingers. The physical noise of the numbness over took
my hands I sat and watched the room darken, my focus on the orange glow, like a jack-o-lantern from the outer edges of my cigarette, separating
itself from the ashes as it fell to the ground or the beyond. I can't remember as my head was tilting back and could then only see from my minds
eye the yellowing of the cigarette paper and then the softly motion of the smoke moving upwards. They moved like tendrils in the stale
air upward towards the long departed and decaying plaster tiles of the old ceiling. I can't remember anything going darker I just
know I woke up here, I fell from the sky." [Walker speaks *multiple text bubbles over multiple bisected frames]


I didn't add the art work and I understand that maybe it may be hard to follow without that but I was just curious as to what others think of how I write. I don't really have many people exposed to the work I am doing and thought maybe I would reach out and ask about the writing as it is as important as the art work. Thank you guys and gals for your time and I hope to hear some feedback good or bad.


Also something wholesome to listen too while reading =D

Very good visual descriptions .. smells and taste would also be nice
Well written, perhaps a little overboard with the visual descriptions

And this sentence I have trouble understanding:

And the sky finished weeping as the city remained in twilight relegating the darkness a another day has passed as others open deeper kinds of wounds in a deeper kind of place

a reply to: Spacespider

Like I said some things may be hard to follow without the actual pictures =) I use each frame to carry the text and some frames I use the text to carry the art. My art style is over whelmingly dark so I try to describe what isn't lurking in the shadows etc.

a reply to: Brotherman

"I trembled and shook and watched, slowly the cigarette fall from between my fingers. The physical noise of the numbness over took my hands I sat and watched the room darken, my focus on the orange glow, like a jack-o-lantern from the outer edges of my cigarette, separating itself from the ashes as it fell to the ground or the beyond. I can't remember as my head was tilting back and could then only see from my minds eye the yellowing of the cigarette paper and then the softly motion of the smoke moving upwards. They moved like tendrils in the stale air upward towards the long departed and decaying plaster tiles of the old ceiling. I can't remember anything going darker I just know I woke up here, I fell from the sky."

That was really fantastic and very well done descriptively. My favorite although I thought it was all quite good.
And, yes, it can be a little difficult to follow along or grasp entirely but, was good none the less.

a reply to: TNMockingbird

Thank you Mockingbird =)

originally posted by: Spacespider
Very good visual descriptions .. smells and taste would also be nice
Well written, perhaps a little overboard with the visual descriptions

And this sentence I have trouble understanding:

And the sky finished weeping as the city remained in twilight relegating the darkness a another day has passed as others open deeper kinds of wounds in a deeper kind of place

I too thought the opening sentence was a bit overboard with the visual descriptions and the opening of any story is of the utmost importance in catching and keeping the reader's attention? However, I reread it again, this time I paid more attention and got it, but how many readers out there have the attention span to do this, you might want to ask yourself?

Would starting the story with Frame 8 seem to you to be a better bet as to catching the reader's attention? My preference as a reader is to jump right into a character and their plight or life from the get-go and, psychologically and socially speaking, we are social animals, so you may want to play off that fact.

a reply to: InTheLight

Do you know what it looks like when someone cries and the tears stream down their face moving across the places of least resistance falling towards the ground? The art work I attempt to capture this simple observation and use it with the last of the rain falling and a man preparing to overdose on heroin in a really * apartment.

I do get your point. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment too!!!

"The vehicle delivering the fix crashes carelessly into the flesh missing one vessel after another the sickness and trembling of the hands cannot distinguish between pain and salvation."

Would starting the story with Frame 8 seem to you to be a better bet as to catching the reader's attention? My preference as a reader is to jump right into a character and their plight or life from the get-go and, psychologically and socially speaking, we are social animals, so you may want to play off that fact.

I never told you what page I am displaying the writing from

originally posted by: Brotherman
a reply to: InTheLight

Do you know what it looks like when someone cries and the tears stream down their face moving across the places of least resistance falling towards the ground? The art work I attempt to capture this simple observation and use it with the last of the rain falling and a man preparing to overdose on heroin in a really * apartment.

"The vehicle delivering the fix crashes carelessly into the flesh missing one vessel after another the sickness and trembling of the hands cannot distinguish between pain and salvation."

Why not inject that important aspect after introducing us to him/his plight and then perhaps his brief (why simple?) observation can be injected a little afterwards?

originally posted by: InTheLight

originally posted by: Brotherman
a reply to: InTheLight

Do you know what it looks like when someone cries and the tears stream down their face moving across the places of least resistance falling towards the ground? The art work I attempt to capture this simple observation and use it with the last of the rain falling and a man preparing to overdose on heroin in a really * apartment.

"The vehicle delivering the fix crashes carelessly into the flesh missing one vessel after another the sickness and trembling of the hands cannot distinguish between pain and salvation."

Why not inject that important aspect after introducing us to him/his plight and then perhaps his brief (why simple?) observation can be injected a little afterwards?

I'm not sure I entirely understand what you mean? I should just post the art (not saying that the art is going to wash it all away as there may be problems there too idk) but the next time I post the art for my graphic novel, I want to post it complete or complete before edit.

a reply to: Brotherman

Ultimately, you must be true to your style and preferences, as we all can become polluted from others' opinions and following that which we are told is correct writing (whatever that means).

I was letting you know what captures my attention and keeps it as a reader. Perhaps this is the question you should be asking us.

a reply to: Brotherman

I was speaking of thought placement, but, again, that is your decision...it is your art piece.

a reply to: InTheLight

For awhile I was working with addicts, alcoholics, and the homeless that were a combination of those two things. When I say working with I meant I would artistically study them from a distance until I could approach them and the comic is based on them and on my observations, I do not follow any traditional guidelines and realize because of this I may not sell this graphic novel very well but first and foremost this project for me is to prove to myself I can create this, I have alot of pain and broken things inside and this helps me sort them all out and put it all out in a form I can manage and put back together the way they should be. I'm not sure what questions I should ask.

originally posted by: Brotherman
a reply to: InTheLight

For awhile I was working with addicts, alcoholics, and the homeless that were a combination of those two things. When I say working with I meant I would artistically study them from a distance until I could approach them and the comic is based on them and on my observations, I do not follow any traditional guidelines and realize because of this I may not sell this graphic novel very well but first and foremost this project for me is to prove to myself I can create this, I have alot of pain and broken things inside and this helps me sort them all out and put it all out in a form I can manage and put back together the way they should be. I'm not sure what questions I should ask.

If you want to sell your work, then you need to ask technical questions. If you are writing for yourself, for self-awareness and healing, then it is your journey. If you are writing to express yourself to others and not sell this for money, then ask us if we understand what you are trying to convey to us. Maybe we can help you dig deeper.

The thing is - some of us have experienced addiction and deep depression with a sense of futility in continuing on first-hand or through relationships with others. I must say, I met many people in the late 60s, 70s and 80s struggling through addiction and with suicidal tendencies with very few succeeding in following through with suicide. Those that did seemed, to me, to be suffering with deep depression and not getting the right help.

So, I don't understand when you say you observe these peoples struggles as 'artistically', can you explain that?

Observing people 'artistically' seems to be more of a documentary/director sort of endeavour.

a reply to: InTheLight

I used to draw the homeless and addicts shooting up in parks, watching the same person buying the same beer sitting at the same bar stool at the same time paying with the same change everyday wearing the same dirty clothes, they made excellent models. I am not an addict myself but when I got to meet some of the older ones ( I never worked with people my age always the old ones) I began to learn a bit about the world they lived in and their struggles and I relate with a lot of them with the way some of them feel. I am not an addict myself but I also relate to their pain very personally.

I am not 100% sure what I am or am not going to do with this when I finish it and know that I am going to need an editor and other people to help me put it together in a way it needs to be.

a reply to: Brotherman

Well then, it appears you need to figure out where you want this story to go...the plot...premise...underlying message. Good luck.

I like your gonzo style. ITL did have some good editing tips...sounds experienced.

As you know I'm always a big fan of the character driven, hero's journey, form.

a reply to: Brotherman

I am a writer and editor, so this is professional advice you're getting for nothing.

It's a graphic novel, you said. Graphic novels have pictures in them. So why are you writing the pictures?

Are you writing them as instructions to the artist? Good luck trying to get any self-respecting illustrator to follow such detailed descriptions. They have their own vision and they'll follow that, not the writer's instructions. It's what they're paid for and what they take pride in.

If that's actual text you're writing, meant to be read by readers, you're wasting your time doing the illustrator's job. The reader has pictures to look at. Use the text to move the story along -- dialogue, stage directions like 'later...', 'meanwhile, back at the ranch' and so on, and to provide elements of description that cannot be pictured, such as 'Moonbase Zeta. This is where the conspiracy is preparing to make its last stand.'

The sample you have shown us actually needs no words at all. It can be conveyed entirely in pictures. You could have used the verbiage to get other, really important stuff -- plot, character -- across. Don't waste words on window-dressing. That's bad writing, doubly so in a graphic novel where it is totally out of place.

By the way, using the weather and natural phenomena to convey the emotional states of characters is what is called the Pathetic Fallacy. It's a dumb cliche. Shun it.

a reply to: Astyanax

I am the artist and the illustrator.

originally posted by: Brotherman
a reply to: Astyanax

I am the artist and the illustrator.

So, perhaps you might want to take Astyanax's advice, and make the picture worth a thousand words and use verbiage to direct the reader to where you want them to go?

a reply to: InTheLight

You can always look at how I illustrate

www.abovetopsecret.com...

Link 2