Is it cheating?

Tell her to get out of there, if you value the relationship. If she won't do it, I think you are overvaluing the relationship and should get out of it yourself.

She didn't handle it well. If she does leave the job, she should get some education on maintaining a proper relationship with superiors. One great idea is a beautifully framed picture of your significant other on the desk.

a reply to: schuyler

How do you get she was pursued? Best we can tell she sent her boss a link to porn...

Who's pursuing who here? I'd wager she only claimed the pursued part after she got caught.

The way I look at it is, we are all flawed human beings. Will you kick yourself in the arse in a year for ditching the woman of your life, or will you be better off without the burden of this relationship?
There are other fish in the sea, as heard since history's first break up. But you should realize, it takes 2 to tango- it may not be her " low self esteem" that is the mAin driving force- we are all people operating in a sick society, and that has to be partly to blame.
Lastly, would she be better off without you? I've asked that same question in the past-

So, she sent him material that is inappropriate in order to keep things cool and not lose a job etc..
She can probably now be terminated at will if this transmission of pornographic material is brought to light by this boss. Seems like she just gave him blackmail ammo to help him further his quest to make his fantasy come true.

I hope she is able to get the EEOC to see it her way and bust this boss man or that she is looking for another job and ready to quit this one.

originally posted by: Assassin82

originally posted by: Mandroid7

The email was part of a "homework assignment" he gave her. It included a link to a pornsite with a video of a Boss/Secretary scenario. It was personal. It was done with intent. I consider it cheating.

Can you clarify this process a bit?

-you saw an email that stated the homework assignment is this, she complied and returned a link

-or you saw an email she sent with link and she stated it was an assignment?

The email I saw, was only from her. I also have his reply to her. I made sure to send myself copies.

It was titled "homework". She said the IM he sent her that it was a homework assignment. I have no information beyond that. I told her that if she's going to file a formal complaint and she's honest about it being harassment then she needs the IT folks to get the transcripts of those IM's

originally posted by: JinMI
a reply to: Tardacus

So flirting equals sex? Man, I've missed out on so many opportunities!~~!

In seriousness, since we don't know the OP's finace, we have no clue where she draws the line.

In my opinion it is. IF you're really craving the one you're flirting with then you're cheating. You don't really need to have sex physically to betray your loyalty.

originally posted by: sapien82
as males of our species , we have alot of brain chemistry which relates back to our primal ancestors and how we have taken this from our animal heritage!

Primal ancestors? We have evolved a long way since then .... we as a species

have even discovered 'self control'..... or maybe only some of us has?

our ego's in males specifically arises the ego's desire to dominate females look at male dominated groups of animals in nature, apes , wolves etc
this is prevalent in our brain chemistry through the ego !

Human's having a better developed brain have come a long way since then and

women have fought long and hard to be independent. They have the capability

to do anything they want to ... as well as deciding their own choice in a

'mate' I believe they are also now allowed to be in the front line at times

of war!!

Im not saying that males are dominant over females here , Im talking about ego and its primal affects on males.
It drives us to be dominant.

Ever heard of strong independent women who don't want to be treated as

stupid and needy?

originally posted by: evc1shop
So, she sent him material that is inappropriate in order to keep things cool and not lose a job etc..
She can probably now be terminated at will if this transmission of pornographic material is brought to light by this boss. Seems like she just gave him blackmail ammo to help him further his quest to make his fantasy come true.

You have obviously only skimmed through the thread ... her boss gave her a

*homework assignment* to find and send him an e.mail with a link (which it was

not clearly specified what the subject of the link was to be) .... it turned out

to be a porn site.

I didn't read thru the several pages so I'm just going off of the original OP...the simple basic answer is...NO, she did not cheat.

My wife was put in this type of scenario about a couple of years ago. It was a male friend that had propositioned her when he was drunk at a wedding. We both have been friends of this guys for years. She came out and told me a few weeks later and one of the things she found the hardest was telling me....even though she did nothing wrong. So, I can understand why she wouldn't want to tell you OP.

OP if this type of things continues to happen, you should yourself, contact their HR dept.

originally posted by: Op3nM1nd3d
a reply to: sapien82

jealousy levels and anger would be through the roof sometimes women have to just not say anything as it would drive us mad they keep quiet about all the creeps to spare our feelings , and also probably because they brush it off as creeps! All men are challenged and teased by our ego over women , the objectification and dominance of women

Um, ok she can be quiet and not say anything if she feels this would make him mad. But could also say that someone flirted with her but she rejected him because she loves her partner very much. Much more elegant solution

However, telling him about it and then adding that she had 'no choice but to play in his fantasy' is something completely different. It`s teasing, concious or unconcious, and it`s a problem. You always have a choice to make, always.

Though, I agree with the rest you said. Partners should be equals, should make decisions together for the most part. No dominance, no secrets...no jealousy. Having a personal space always help but you can only make it work if you have trust in one another. It is an important step in every relationship.

Also one other thing , if you feel like it , take some psychedelics together , or some mdma. great for couples allowing ego to be reduced and let the emotions unite

While this is true, it is a dangerous road. Why? Because in case of future tensions you may both want to feel the love again and you`ll know how to find it. Should be done naturally if possible. It`s a tough road but definitely worthwhile.


a reply to: Assassin82

Also important to look at yourself first and see if you can better yourself also. Those angry looks at people when looking at your girlfriend don`t help either. You may be giving her too much of authority (thus hierarchic) atmosphere in the first place. Remember that you don`t own her, the relationship is mutual. So every thing you say to her that she must or must no do due to whatever reason, it works like a repellent. All I`m saying is don`t give her orders, talk to her instead, unless of course she wants a man of authority to nail her hard...lol

I think the part about me giving evil looks to guys visually disrespecting her is being drawn out of context. And that's my fault for saying so juvenile. It's not like it's a satanic scowl with chest pumping and charging at an opponent. It's making direct eye contact without a smile. It instantly pushes their attention elsewhere without confrontation. And to be honest, I'm a guy...so my attention is usually distracted with something else then to be focusing on every guy that crosses. There have been times where I've laughingly said "hey...that dude is checkin you out". And we joke and laugh about it. I promise, I am not the over protective/super jealous type. But I am protective in nature.



And I agree, I always try to look inward at myself to see if changes need to be made within. I'm already in the process.

a reply to: Assassin82

And I agree, I always try to look inward at myself to see if changes need to be made within. I'm already in the process.

a reply to: Assassin82

And I agree, I always try to look inward at myself to see if changes need to be made within. I'm already in the process.

Change is always good for the inner self. Change is hard for some because they don't want to change or they don't want change.

The self within has to let change flow.

You are a decent human.

originally posted by: Jdennis10
a reply to: Assassin82

And I agree, I always try to look inward at myself to see if changes need to be made within. I'm already in the process.

Change is always good for the inner self. Change is hard for some because they don't want to change or they don't want change.

The self within has to let change flow.

You are a decent human.

yeah it is if you enjoy cheating. Changes will happen at that level, bad for most.

a reply to: HawkeyeNation

You didn't read the OP very well then. This wasn't a drunken advance. This was intentional back and forth culminating with the fiancé sending her boss pornography of a boss giving it to a secretary...

a reply to: evc1shop

Oh it's definitely too late. She's out of a job if it comes to light. Her best option is to quit before it gets exposed.

a reply to: Assassin82

Get out while you can. I come to you from experience. I was in a similar situation which eventually led to my divorce. If women don't want a certain type of attention, they are certain to let the perpetrator or their significant other know without hesitation. Especially in this day and age when sexual harassment is a very big deal.

My ex wife would consistently flirt with, and even sext other guys, even those she worked with. She would say it's "harmless flirting," and they're "just friends." The exchanging of porn was also rather frequent with her and these "friends."

If you're angry about what you did see -- stop looking, because what's hidden from you is going to be even worse. Its often hidden in plain sight. You say you both do not hide anything from each other, but it doesn't take much effort to click a button to delete something that she doesn't want you to see. Check every folder in the email account. Check the sent folder, trash folder, draft folder. Check the settings to save drafts and do not inform her, and then check it periodically and randomly to see if anything has popped up. Simple things like that are often overlooked.

My ex used the same excuses about her boss. "No one will touch him, and if they say he's innocent I could lose my job and everyone there will hate me. I don't want to ruin it." Be especially wary it she has any self-esteem issue, or self confidence etc, it leaves the door open for "unwanted attention."

It's easy to believe someone you love when they tell you that something never happened. If her boss is giving her "homework," that implies that there's "work" being done at the office. You're inclined to trust her word, and direct your anger towards her boss for seemingly pressuring her into doing something she doesn't want to do.

The bad part about this is that your trust in her will decline over time. You'll start subconsciously keeping your eyes open for any discrepancy of her actions, words, or any online activity. IF she is lying you will start to find the holes in her lies. The lies she has to fabricate to cover up a different lie. You'll question everything and it will put damaging stress on your relationship whether it's true or not. Once you catch them doing something shady, they learn how you caught them, they start to cover those tracks, and everything seems like sunshine in rainbows -- until it happens again.

Your fed GF and her boss are probably reading this right now.

I did not skim the thread, I felt it was important to say her response of sending said material via electronic means to, presumably, company accounts can be lorded over her as terms for dismissal by this boss. He could easily play the fearmongering aspect of that to get her to do more. In for a penny, in for a pound.

Had she just not sent it she would be in a better position to tell him that he has hit a boundary that she is unwilling to cross etc. I fully understood what I read, I just feel that she did not think through the implications of her actions in responding. She should have told OP that it was sent to her and she is disgusted by his advances /fantasies etc. and that she wasn't going to respond but it my cost her leaving that job on so on.

originally posted by: eletheia

originally posted by: evc1shop
So, she sent him material that is inappropriate in order to keep things cool and not lose a job etc..
She can probably now be terminated at will if this transmission of pornographic material is brought to light by this boss. Seems like she just gave him blackmail ammo to help him further his quest to make his fantasy come true.

You have obviously only skimmed through the thread ... her boss gave her a

*homework assignment* to find and send him an e.mail with a link (which it was

not clearly specified what the subject of the link was to be) .... it turned out

to be a porn site.

It's not an easy society we live in, and women (especially in certain professions) are still seen by some chauvinists as objects. Although times are now different and women can - and actually are expected to - react, it might not be as easy as it seems.
Therefore, you must beware of your reactions towards her. You may be demanding from your fiance a speed that she can't reach as she is trying to untangle herself from the situation, she may need more time and advise until she figures out exactly how to get rid of all this.

Some things take a litlle time and a lot of diplomacy and experience to deal with. Some things require just a 2-week notice.

Wisdom is to divise what's worthy persisting and what's better just to give up.

That goes to you, too

Don't know how anything I said can help.

originally posted by: AlongCamePaul
Your fed GF and her boss are probably reading this right now.

You're right

I am.

Here's what you do:
Just keep sending back loads of Mcaully Culkin pictures for no reason.

But seriously.
Depends on her character, you know her best in a normal situation would she come to you with a problem or solve it? From there you can understand her intent and hermotives. Is she the type of girl to handle things without a man or is she the type to need support or a second opinion.


Here's what you do contact the bosses boss. Everybody has a boss or some sort of human resources they can go to no matter how big the company is hell even contact a feminist group if you have to them go from there just walk the right path.

Is she cheating? I dunno only she knows maybe she likes the attention maybe it frustrates her but she puts up with it. Humans normalise behaviour she will think after a while "that's just how he is".

I say quit her job find another if it bothers her that much. Does the boss have a family or wife ? Get in touch on Facebook and show her find the leverage

In the words of Steve Harvey

Good luck playa