Is it cheating?

a reply to: Assassin82

You're blaming yourself for her actions...classic apologist syndrome.

If she was a mature individual who deserved to be in a relationship that involved the responsibilities not of children she would have communicated before having an affair with her boss.

What will she do if it gets hard again in the future?

a reply to: Assassin82

I think the part about me giving evil looks to guys visually disrespecting her is being drawn out of context. And that's my fault for saying so juvenile. It's not like it's a satanic scowl with chest pumping and charging at an opponent. It's making direct eye contact without a smile. It instantly pushes their attention elsewhere without confrontation. And to be honest, I'm a guy...so my attention is usually distracted with something else then to be focusing on every guy that crosses. There have been times where I've laughingly said "hey...that dude is checkin you out". And we joke and laugh about it. I promise, I am not the over protective/super jealous type. But I am protective in nature.

I understand what you are saying but for a second just imagine yourself on the other side of the event, you being the guy who`s checking a hotty out and someone gave you that stare. Or even being in her position, how would that look. Someone making a friendly eye contact with you and then your other half broke it up with a hostile stare that clearly indicates...something like...back off, this is mine!!!

All I`m saying is that there are better solutions. Women always like to hear how pretty they are, so you could go next time with...'She is pretty, isn`t she?'...out loud...if the answer is yes, you could say 'I know, she`s the most beautiful woman in the world'...if the answer is no (and jokes that come with it)...you reply could be 'Come on man, don`t lie to me, I saw you checking her out'...and give a smile instead.

But, in fact, it`s best just being yourself. If a person loves you for who you are and vice versa, that`s a win win. All these tricks may work but if that`s not who you really are, it may be a problem in the long run because your other half will miss these things and think you just don`t give a # anymore once things settle down.

And I agree, I always try to look inward at myself to see if changes need to be made within. I'm already in the process.

Being aware of it is the most important thing here. Rest comes along, sooner or later.

Also, I understand that your kid is first priority but if you are being serious with her, show her that your close family is your first priority which includes her too. That is if you decide to stick with her. You really need to think this through though and then have a serious converstation with her about it.

Hopefully, you`ll both find an optimal solution and work things out, one way or another. Hostility and grudges are never good for anyone involved.

Again, I wish you the best of luck, however it plays out.

originally posted by: raymundoko
a reply to: Assassin82

You're blaming yourself for her actions...classic apologist syndrome.

If she was a mature individual who deserved to be in a relationship that involved the responsibilities not of children she would have communicated before having an affair with her boss.

What will she do if it gets hard again in the future?

I'm not taking the blame, I'm just using this as an opportunity for self improvement. I am always looking for ways to improve myself as a human being. She has a lot to prove. She has to regain my trust, she has to prove her loyalty to our relationship, and she has to learn how to be confident and believe in herself going forward. I will be supportive in regards to the sexual harassment issue, and I will be patient with her and give her a chance to improve herself.

a reply to: Assassin82
Ya dude, it is a pretty long thread. But statistically speaking, its likely not to work out in the end. But who knows, people and the government like to say that divorce rates are at 60% or what not, but in reality they are like over 80% and up into the 90% percentages. Basically if you took the time to go out and interview people co-workers and friends and what not, chances are that if there grown ups and above the age of 27 they have been married at least once before, some as much as 7 times by the time there late 50s. So ya!

When I said the whole Duh! thing to the question of sending him quote on quote homework! of boss and secretary porn. Well I was not talking about the sending of porn being cheating, its just a vid after all. I was saying or getting at that yes its quite likely she slept with the guy before.

You seem like a pretty pragmatic guy, I am pretty sure you know by now that women are not flowers and generally have more options in this game of relationships then men do. So ya, its likely she went along with it all in fact more so then that she was just dandy and then the big bad boss man started hitting on her. The truth is the number one quality a woman looks for in a man before they choose him, is not money, or even looks, its control. Its what the whole trust games they play is about, to see how far they can push you and how far you will play there game, ie how far they can control you, and what your willing to put up with.

Off course they do not call it that, there are much more flowery words for it, but in the end its what it comes down to, in fact what the whole evolutionary track of human females comes down to when concerning this whole relationship thing. And as we know people like to put drapes and flowery words over something that is very base in nature.

Its actually an evolutionary track of human females. So ya, if anything its likely that she initiated the whole thing with her boss to begin with, and its also quite likely that if she did not want you to find that little file called "homework" from her boss, then you would not have found it. Its not hard to hide such things even for somebody who is not savvy with computers. And in fact the only reason why she decided for you to find it is because likely whatever she was getting at with her boss was leading her no were.

Its were control comes in, because bro, I think she understands you, how you operate and think, and what you will do. Its not necessarily a bad thing.

Also all that thing about her self esteem? Well that's likely baloney. Birds of a feather flock together after all, I have yet to see a female have all that much self esteem issues, at least ones that were good looking or even semi good looking. In fact it quite likely does not exist, even in high school with kids the girls that were whining about the bad boys were always the ones who for some reason or another seemed to be there next to those bad boys every single time and every single thing they put down at the feet of men in general was a trait they themselves possessed, and not only that looked for in men.

So ya its hard to take them serious when they just try to reverse psychology all there issues and faults on to others. You know what such people are called. Bull#ters, a lot of them bull#, simply because it works.

Basically what I am saying is they get off it, even the fact that they drag others into there fetishes gets them off, and yes playing the wounded daisy is a fetish for most of them, and seeing how easy it is to get dudes lead around just by that. Well why abandon a working tactic?

And she does not seem to be all that shy, after all she is sending porn vids to what supposedly is some stranger, or at least work acquaintance. Nope not shy at all, that does not strike me as somebody who is shy or has self esteem issues.

Besides like I said there are no real shy females, the ones who play shy are merely testing the waters seeing which fish will bite, and generally when males are set up in life or got prospects they will bite, its basically how its been done oh for the past 200,000 years or so, its not shyness its how the human mating game evolved, its why women dont make the first move, or at least not till there sure or get a hint of..something, in fact its been done so much and ingrained so much that its practically part of the female genome, even if they wanted to they could not, not unless they were sure of "certain" things first. Yes even in cavemen times it was the same process to a point.

In fact waiting it out just seems to be a waste of time both for you, your kid, and her as well. Whatever her plans are or whatever she is trying to get at, she or you best get on with it already. Who knows maybe she is trying to break in to that revolving double door of the military and government life, you know gravy train. Both for you and her, or really who knows, I sure as hell don't. Or maybe she is just bored because your to easy of an lead around. I never had such silly issues, so I wouldn't know.

Both situations have happened to other people as well, and I have seen and there are men who get off that stuff as well, so who knows, you may be one, or not. Not my problem or really don't care as relationships that people have are none issues but to them, and a lot of times they can ended just by not participating either way by both parties involved.

So ya! I would say love and understanding must prevail. But patience? Patience for what? For whom? If your going to get to the bottom this do it now and move on. You know you seem awfully understanding about all this, could be why she decided to bother doing this to begin with. And yes it is a choice and a conscious one at that most likely for her.

But what you should really be considering and questioning is not all that nonsense, what really matters is this. How come in all this time you have known her, she has never tried to seduce you, or how come you never got a kinky sex vid from her trying to turn you on?

That right there speaks volumes, after all she seems to have no problem in sending them to strange men, so how come she has a problem sending some to you or trying to turn you on? That right there says much more so then all the other # anybody has said or I have said on this thread. The fact that you dont seem to be bothered by that, well says something about you as well.

So ya! Whatever your going to do, you may want to express mail it as to save time. Patience is a virtue only some times, don't know if you want to drag this on for years and years only to have it go and lead nowhere some 2, 3 years latter. Beyond that I don't think anybody cares but those involved ie you, her, and maybe your son and well her boss. Though I would not be to pushy, and bossy about it, after all she seems to have thing for it, you know bossy men, she may get off it.

After all this is about getting rid of a bad apple not about doing the things which will cause her to stick around. As that would be annoying. Or is it? You know what I did not bother to read this whole thread, in fact only a few pages in the beginning and end, so it could be. Anyways, whatever. Do whatever. I don't know why people come on this site to begin with with relationship advice to begin with. It is quite literally pointless, as most minds are made up well before hand.

originally posted by: Assassin82
I'm not taking the blame, I'm just using this as an opportunity for self improvement. I am always looking for ways to improve myself as a human being. She has a lot to prove. She has to regain my trust, she has to prove her loyalty to our relationship, and she has to learn how to be confident and believe in herself going forward. I will be supportive in regards to the sexual harassment issue, and I will be patient with her and give her a chance to improve herself.

As I have been reading through you thread I have come to a conclusion and now

feel extremely sorry for your fiancee!



Firstly I will paint my own scenario, In my youth I was considered very attractive

andI worked in the modeling/promotions/hospitality industry, and in many

instances meeting celebrities....*opportunities*


Because of the opportunities presented everyone thought I must be *at it like a

rabbit*

I wasn't ....

and if I had had a significant other like you I would have insisted on taking a

'lie detector' test, and then when the answer came back it would have been

Bye-Bye, and You would be long gone

a reply to: eletheia

So you were sending porn to your bosses?

a reply to: Assassin82

Great, self improvement. But you should be saving that for the next person. One who won't potentially make your child go through a divorce..

a reply to: raymundoko

I gave him advice based on a good solid relationship. Otherwise the advice is null and void and I explained that in my post which you overlooked. I even did all caps saying my fiance was WORTH the spot. Worth, being the key word. If he wasn't we wouldn't be together. I'd rather be alone than in a bad relationship. Been there done that and have the trophy!

My kids are 16 and 19. Both live with me and both have ALWAYS been number one in my life and will always be the front and center of any decisions I make. His two kids live with their mom and like I said are around the same age.

By me saying my partner is number one isn't awful advice. He is worth the spot and he and I have a front with our kids. They all know we have a strong bond/relationship. It's important with teenagers and we know this!

Kids get jealous, and rightfully so. It's a normal feeling and it may go away with time ( years) but it's a feeling that when acted upon can ruin a relationship.

Difference between my kids and other kids, I assume, is my kids have always had a voice and they TALK to me about anything and everything so when my kids talk about my fiance out of jealousy they own those feelings. My fiance is a great communicator and very humble so they respect him and his role here.

If my kids remained number one and my fiance was number two then I might as well wait until they get out of the house to be in a relationship because it will not be the relationship I want and or need.

When families combine, rules change and so does the structure and routine. Kids need to know they cannot play one against the other. Both adults have to be in charge and not let the kids rule over them. They need to know their place and their place should not be more important than the adult. That sends the wrong message time and time again and the relationship fails.

No matter what a woman says, she doesn't want to come in second. She wants to be number one in her mans life!! I can't speak for men because I'm not one but I'd say they would not want to come in second after a kid either.

originally posted by: raymundoko

So you were sending porn to your bosses?

NO If porn relied on my input in any way it would cease to exist.

There are a number of other options though like ..... *your room or

mine* being just one.

originally posted by: MamaJ

If my kids remained number one and my fiance was number two then I might as well wait until they get out of the house to be in a relationship because it will not be the relationship I want and or need.

When families combine, rules change and so does the structure and routine. Kids need to know they cannot play one against the other. Both adults have to be in charge and not let the kids rule over them. They need to know their place and their place should not be more important than the adult. That sends the wrong message time and time again and the relationship fails.

I have to disagree with this philosophy, everyone should be treated equally and with respect, but your children are your blood. And they should have an equal say in things going on family wise.

Fiancee's, husbands, girlfriends and boyfriends will come and go, but your children will most likely be there for you your entire life, if everyone is good to each other. People change relationships these days, like they do their underwear, and the divorce rate is 50 - 60%+, so with that being said I'd hedge my bets on the people I brought into this world.

originally posted by: eletheia

originally posted by: Assassin82
I'm not taking the blame, I'm just using this as an opportunity for self improvement. I am always looking for ways to improve myself as a human being. She has a lot to prove. She has to regain my trust, she has to prove her loyalty to our relationship, and she has to learn how to be confident and believe in herself going forward. I will be supportive in regards to the sexual harassment issue, and I will be patient with her and give her a chance to improve herself.

As I have been reading through you thread I have come to a conclusion and now

feel extremely sorry for your fiancee!



Firstly I will paint my own scenario, In my youth I was considered very attractive

andI worked in the modeling/promotions/hospitality industry, and in many

instances meeting celebrities....*opportunities*


Because of the opportunities presented everyone thought I must be *at it like a

rabbit*

I wasn't ....

and if I had had a significant other like you I would have insisted on taking a

'lie detector' test, and then when the answer came back it would have been

Bye-Bye, and You would be long gone

Ok

a reply to: eletheia

Then I think you misunderstand the situation...

His fiance had an affair, not an accusation of an affair, and actual affair. He caught her and she admitted to it.

a reply to: MamaJ

So quick question, you are in a life and death situation and you have to choose between your kids and your husband...

GO!

originally posted by: raymundoko

Then I think you misunderstand the situation...

Did I ??? I must have missed that somewhere!! As I understood it she only

e.mailed him inappropriate links at his behest and enjoyed the

flirtatious atmosphere.

His fiance had an affair, not an accusation of an affair, and actual affair. He caught her and she admitted to it.

He found an inappropiate e.mail which was not hidden but in plain

sight? Please link me to where he caught her in an actual affair.

a reply to: Realtruth

Well, I didn't ask anyone for advice... But... glad you gave it. I will have a go!! lol

I have always put my kids first and they are 16 and 19. I think people overlook this fact when responding. 16 and 19!!!! My daughter is 16 and son is 19. We all have a close relationship and I have never put any of my boyfriends before them.

EVER....

Until....

Now.

The man I am about to marry is on equal ground, so to speak, but because my kids are OLDER and he and I are making a life together we must be on the forefront as a TEAM. Our teenagers would run us over if we didn't. I say teenagers but mainly our daughters. Speaking of our daughters... they both have better behavior since we have been together, make better grades, and have more respect so we are obviously doing something right. Proof is in the pudding.

IF I had put my other relationships before my kids it would have been all for nothing because although I had boyfriends in the past we never LIVED together combing families. We were not making a life together! VERY BIG DIFFERENCE!!!

You have to do what is right for you. Again, I am not asking anyone for advice. Our life is wonderful!!

You say kids but If I could save two surely I could save all 3 or I'd dying trying to save all of them!!!

That's a question I wouldn't be faced with in reality.

BUT.... If faced with such a tragic dilemma, My fiance has lived a longer life so he'd have to be the one to get ousted.

a reply to: Realtruth

but your children are your blood. And they should have an equal say in things going on family wise.

Yes, they are my blood and they have my heart as the children they are. They will always be my babies and they know they have me wrapped. They've ALWAYS had a voice and been able to decide a lot but that didn't work out for me as a single parent. LOL I would LOVE to know if you have teenagers.

They will always be MY KIDS, not my equal.

You learn the hard way and believe me I have learned by making mistakes with my kids and this is the best decision for us right now with our relationship and the age they are.

My son being 19 is in college and working and is spoiled rotten by me/us. My daughter is 16 and beautiful. She thinks she's my equal and when she's mad that doesn't work out well for us. She has taken advantage of coming first her entire life and it's been a shock to have a man around she loves and respects but at the same time she hates to disappoint and that says a lot for my daughter.

I'm more than blessed.

a reply to: eletheia

Do you not understand what an affair is? Do you think it only involves having sex?

a reply to: MamaJ


Mama I understand where you're at.

And having teenage daughter I'm sure isn't easy, especially when you introduce a male authority figure into the mix. My point was I have always treated my son as an equal, meaning he get's his say, I listen, but that doesn't mean that he always gets his way.

So many parents/adults disregard their children and rarely give them room to be part of the making decisions. From your standpoint you have a well adjusted situation, well ummmm with teenagers not so sure, but it sound like you are giving them fairly equal status by your post. That is the equality I was referring to.

What I'm seeing today is a lack of respect in most relationships, again I'm not really sure why, but it's happening, hence the breakdown in the family units, or couple's. I have thought that it may be do to narcissism, but then I think it is a combination of things.

By your response you are grateful for the people in your life, and any man would love to have this in his life, as would children.

I hope to one day find a woman that will put my in first place, but still know that it will take work on my part to stay there. I think this goes vice versa for her butt too.

We need more people with your wisdom, tolerance, and attitude. Please accept my apology for not understanding your position.

a reply to: raymundoko

how is a infection of your big toe any different than a problem which manifests itself as an infection of the mind ?

its all chemistry and drugs can heal our bodies physically and mentally.

"I can see you take plenty of drugs yourself then"

yeh because talking about taking drugs to resolve psychological problems means im an avid drug user!
dont be so ignorant and make assumptions based on your social programming!
this isnt 1950 , the war on drugs is over.