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The struggle for everyday existence

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posted on Oct, 25 2016 @ 09:26 PM
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Hey there ATS members: Some of you who may know me, know me not to be a whiner. I'm rather ashamed that I'm writing a thread which seems rather whiney. Did I spell that right?

To be blunt, I'm not in a good place. But then, when was i?
Certain events in my life, a rather significant car wreck three weeks ago, which required me to hire a lawyer, just to deal with the property damage to the car, much less deal with my resultant aggravated medical conditions (and understand, here, I believe we live in a far too litigious atmosphere....) But if you're really hurt, and underinsured, what are you supposed to do, then?

And then, two weeks ago, a friend of mine was shot twice in the head by someone I know in an apartment I've spent time in. Suffice it to say, I'm not in a good place, so please forgive my whining.

So, looking for old medical records, I've spent the last eight hours going through absolute massive documents that I long ago bagged up and stuck in a closet, not wanting to remember or reflect upon those times. I'll be frank. I've had three back surgeries, had my spine fused, and got better....even returned to work, teaching riding lessons and training horses and showing nationally after that surgery, so I considered myself as healed as possible, though I was still diagnosed and classified as a "chronic pain patient." I am 55, and my first surgery was when I was 25. Just for frame of reference of how long this has gone on.

I had two laminectomies, within three years, at the ages of 25 and 27. I through myself wholeheartedly into physical rehab, as I've always been athletic in terms of showing/training horses. But in 1992, after the birth of my daughter (then 3), I had the misfortune of being hit again in a vehicular accident. Single parent, involved in an abusive marriage and contentious divorce and custody battle, all concurrently to that accident. A third surgery, a spinal fusion, and a trial ensued after five years. I spent four days on the witness stand, myself. Every detail of my life: was I faithful to my former husband, did I have abortions, was I ever arrested for drugs or did I ever do illegal drugs, anything and everything you could possibly imagine to paint a picture of me as someone who would lie, malinger for money, etc. was brought up in that trial.
I prevailed. But not without a serious cost to my emotional psyche, much less my physical residual disabilities. Having said that, I spent the next three years in a gym, four times a week, to recover to the point I could be a "present" mother for my child, and return to work, which I did.
I taught and showed horses for the next several years, and lived pretty much without painkillers. If I hurt, I went to the gym and pushed myself as hard as I could.

Going through these documents I have to for this current accident has been like reliving the nightmare all over again. You see, we all have this mental image of who we are. What that trial taught me was, no matter your mental image of yourself, your life on paper, detailed in legal documentation can spin an entirely different picture, and it's usually not a pretty one.....

When you get hurt in an accident, and find it necessary to get a lawyer because you need a vehicle, and you need medical help because you don't have the insurance to get help, you become involved in a particular cycle. The lawyer has doctors he deals with daily. Everyone is in it for a piecde of the action, and that "action" is wholly centered around your pain, injury, and life experience, which will more than likely be spun in the worst possible ways.

Going through all those documents today brought it all back, viciously. And it reaffirmed for me why I've never really recovered emotionally, no matter how hard I tried to recover physically. It takes a piece of you that you can't get back. Even if you are compensated financially, you constantly feel guilty about that money, about what you put the other party through......because the truth is, people make mistakes. That's why the call them "accidents."

And then there's just these times we're living in. I struggle to get out of bed, after I've struggled to try to sleep. I avoid political discussions because I no longer believe we live in a "representative republic." Who is representing whom? No matter what party you affiliate with or candidate, it seems to me the same will happen, and the big secret is the military industrial complex has all that laid out long before any election, and news events are sculpted to support one or other position, when it's all really the same crap, over and over again.

Pardon me for depressing you, bleeding all over you with my own angst......I just don't know how to make anything different, from myself, to the wider issues of the world. People, it seems to me, are bribed constantly with more and better, neater devices, and giving up their identities in doing so. There is a reality to "oversharing," you know. We could all stand in for one another with enough Facebook information. Maybe that's the plan: enough narrative collection through DARPA, and we'll all be cancelled out, in favor of whomever will go along with the ultimate goal, and no telling what that is, and I don't even have the strength any longer to ponder what that might be.

Daily, I look for kindness, and can't find it anywhere. I look for a lack of disingenuousness, and can't find it. I look for compassion, and can't seem to find that, either. What are we becoming?

If you've something to offer to give me some hope, please post. If you want to share your own angst as a way of therapy, I invite you to do the same. I'm struggling. I'm reaching out to others who are struggling, too, and trying to find reasons why the struggle is worth it, and what we should be struggling for and against.
regards and be well,
tetra50




posted on Oct, 25 2016 @ 09:33 PM
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a reply to: tetra50

I don't have much other than I will be sure to send some positive energy your way. I hope things get better for you.



posted on Oct, 25 2016 @ 09:36 PM
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Learn to survive on your own and get out of the democrat/progressive city.



posted on Oct, 25 2016 @ 09:54 PM
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originally posted by: Metallicus
a reply to: tetra50

I don't have much other than I will be sure to send some positive energy your way. I hope things get better for you.

Thanks very much.



posted on Oct, 25 2016 @ 09:56 PM
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originally posted by: Orionx2
Learn to survive on your own and get out of the democrat/progressive city.

And what about my situation makes you think I can't survive on my own? This has absolutely nothing to do with your assessment of a "democrat/progressive" city. I'm having a very hard time understanding your response.
What in the world makes you think I can't survive on my own?



posted on Oct, 25 2016 @ 10:01 PM
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Here's a philosophy..


edit on 25-10-2016 by Black_Fox because: (no reason given)



posted on Oct, 25 2016 @ 10:01 PM
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I share the same injuries.

My passion is horse racing.

I have taken Meds for 20 years.

Of your entire OP what stood out was the word "kindness".

People are forgetting how good it feels to be kind.

I rarely find kindness in others. I look for it too.

I like to by strangers a coffee. Something simple.

Exchange smiles. Make others feel the kindness you are seeking.

If they try to thank me I might ask them to pay it forward.

It's my guilty pleasure. The girl at Starbucks swears I started a trend.

I know this is just a little thing. But, it makes me happy.

Now I'm rambling. I guess what I'm trying to say is...

Find something that makes you feel the kindness you seek.

Even if you have to start it. People are basically kind...



posted on Oct, 25 2016 @ 10:03 PM
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originally posted by: tetra50

originally posted by: Orionx2
Learn to survive on your own and get out of the democrat/progressive city.

And what about my situation makes you think I can't survive on my own? This has absolutely nothing to do with your assessment of a "democrat/progressive" city. I'm having a very hard time understanding your response.
What in the world makes you think I can't survive on my own?

Okay... Then what.



posted on Oct, 25 2016 @ 10:08 PM
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originally posted by: whyamIhere
I share the same injuries.

My passion is horse racing.

I have taken Meds for 20 years.

Of your entire OP what stood out was the word "kindness".

People are forgetting how good it feels to be kind.

I rarely find kindness in others. I look for it too.

I like to by strangers a coffee. Something simple.

Exchange smiles. Make others feel the kindness you are seeking.

If they try to thank me I might ask them to pay it forward.

It's my guilty pleasure. The girl at Starbucks swears I started a trend.

I know this is just a little thing. But, it makes me happy.

Now I'm rambling. I guess what I'm trying to say is...

Find something that makes you feel the kindness you seek.

Even if you have to start it. People are basically kind...
hey whyamihere
if you only knew how your response touched me. What you wrote, in and of itself, was a kindness, layered with a healthy dose of compassion. Thank you so much. I used to believe that "man was basically good." I guess what I've expressed here is a long dark night and crisis of faith in that belief. But you have helped remind me.....
take care
tetra



posted on Oct, 25 2016 @ 10:10 PM
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originally posted by: Orionx2

originally posted by: tetra50

originally posted by: Orionx2
Learn to survive on your own and get out of the democrat/progressive city.

And what about my situation makes you think I can't survive on my own? This has absolutely nothing to do with your assessment of a "democrat/progressive" city. I'm having a very hard time understanding your response.
What in the world makes you think I can't survive on my own?

Okay... Then what.


"then what?"

What, what? I still don't understand. I'm not surviving on anyone else, and nothing in my OP suggests that I am. How are you reaching those conclusions, and what are your suggestions, since you replied?



posted on Oct, 25 2016 @ 10:16 PM
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originally posted by: tetra50

originally posted by: Orionx2

originally posted by: tetra50

originally posted by: Orionx2
Learn to survive on your own and get out of the democrat/progressive city.

And what about my situation makes you think I can't survive on my own? This has absolutely nothing to do with your assessment of a "democrat/progressive" city. I'm having a very hard time understanding your response.
What in the world makes you think I can't survive on my own?

Okay... Then what.


"then what?"

What, what? I still don't understand. I'm not surviving on anyone else, and nothing in my OP suggests that I am. How are you reaching those conclusions, and what are your suggestions, since you replied?

Whatever. Read your own post and decide why you posted it. Question yourself.



posted on Oct, 25 2016 @ 10:16 PM
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a reply to: tetra50
With all you have on your plate tetra, please allow me to relieve you of one of your smaller burdens. Toil no longer over that reply as it is clearly one of the most moronic replies in the history of this site.



posted on Oct, 25 2016 @ 10:20 PM
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originally posted by: TerryMcGuire
a reply to: tetra50
With all you have on your plate tetra, please allow me to relieve you of one of your smaller burdens. Toil no longer over that reply as it is clearly one of the most moronic replies in the history of this site.



LOLTerryMcGuire: thanks for that. I usually wouldn't post such personal angst and such, because you know you're gonna get those kinds of responses.....it's a given. Even so, it doesn't lighten your load, does it? But you pointing that out to me does me a world of good. Hope your life is good, and you are well. Thanks
tetra



posted on Oct, 25 2016 @ 10:22 PM
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originally posted by: Orionx2
Learn to survive on your own and get out of the democrat/progressive city.

Perhaps learn some sensitivity that life isn't that cookie cutter: bad things happen to plenty of good people. And then, perhaps, learn that progressiveness isn't a four letter word, and actually, just maybe, a good thing. Take care of yourself.



posted on Oct, 25 2016 @ 10:25 PM
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a reply to: tetra50

I guess I don't look for those qualities in others any more. In my experience of being screwed over royally by family, many times over...people who are supposed to love you and look out for you, I suppose I have decided that I can only look for those things in myself.

When I do or say kind things, the surrounding people look at and examine me as if I were some sort of freak oddity. It feels strange, but I know if I can hold out those beliefs and behavior I'll be okay. On the other hand, when someone shows kindness to me...there are no words for how wonderful it is to know there are still those few out there who GENUINELY get that. There are many who fake it or toot about it so they can be held up and fawned over on social media or whatever. Not talking about those folks. The real deal is in the eyes. Real compassion can easily be seen there. Kind people ARE out there, just very few and far between. Rare. Keep it alive in you, and it sounds like you are!

I notice I guard and defend myself constantly now from cruel and uncaring people. I struggle with that.



posted on Oct, 25 2016 @ 10:34 PM
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originally posted by: tetra50

originally posted by: Orionx2
Learn to survive on your own and get out of the democrat/progressive city.

Perhaps learn some sensitivity that life isn't that cookie cutter: bad things happen to plenty of good people. And then, perhaps, learn that progressiveness isn't a four letter word, and actually, just maybe, a good thing. Take care of yourself.

Don't be delusional. Progressive liberals are all about taking from the people that have motivation to do better and distributing to the people that don't care. Sensitivity? really?



posted on Oct, 25 2016 @ 10:44 PM
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originally posted by: shockedonlooker
a reply to: tetra50

I guess I don't look for those qualities in others any more. In my experience of being screwed over royally by family, many times over...people who are supposed to love you and look out for you, I suppose I have decided that I can only look for those things in myself.

When I do or say kind things, the surrounding people look at and examine me as if I were some sort of freak oddity. It feels strange, but I know if I can hold out those beliefs and behavior I'll be okay. On the other hand, when someone shows kindness to me...there are no words for how wonderful it is to know there are still those few out there who GENUINELY get that. There are many who fake it or toot about it so they can be held up and fawned over on social media or whatever. Not talking about those folks. The real deal is in the eyes. Real compassion can easily be seen there. Kind people ARE out there, just very few and far between. Rare. Keep it alive in you, and it sounds like you are!

I notice I guard and defend myself constantly now from cruel and uncaring people. I struggle with that.
Great answer Shockedonlooker, thanks for reading and replying. You taught me something right there. If you can't find it in others, give it to yourself. And look for others like you, and treat them the same. This is the kind of wisdom I was hoping for when I wrote the thread, and I needed it so badly, so thank you very much. Take care of yourself.
tetra



posted on Oct, 25 2016 @ 10:45 PM
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I hear ya tetra.

Life can be quite a challenge. I have found that working on devices and inventions that can make my life more "normal" gives me a lot of motivation and satisfaction. I struggle to do many things that most people probably don't even give a passing thought. Hell, I need to sleep sitting up!

I don't see much kindness either, but honestly, I don't see much human interaction at all. I think its difficult for people to see someone they care about in severe, constant pain.

What I have found is that it all works best if I bring what I want to see in the world on my own. For my situation, it tends to mean showing kindness to wildlife. It has resulted in some pretty cool experiences, though my dogs don't seem to appreciate the now constant presence of everything from chipmunks and stellar jays to moose and bears.


To meld those things, I constantly figure out ways to blend technology and nature in complementary ways. Its a lot like an art, but one that brings me joy as well as the life around me. So, I get to do something that is part science, part art, and part engineering. That's fun for me, even if no one ever sees any of it.

Now, my situation is likely vastly different from yours and my activities may be irrelevant to your life.. but I think that things on this level are so incredibly individual and unique. That's an amazing thing, but its tricky to communicate what may help YOU find whatever you are looking for.

I say that because I think that sometimes the solutions to such problems end up being creative and revolutionary. Who knows what you might bring into creation? From the posts I have seen over the years, I suspect there is something wonderful waiting for you to bring it out of imagination and into reality.



posted on Oct, 25 2016 @ 11:55 PM
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a reply to: tetra50
As long as compassion and kindness have a place inside you, they're never gone. Even if its hard to see in others at the moment.

Sending good vibes your way.



posted on Oct, 26 2016 @ 12:13 AM
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originally posted by: tetra50

Daily, I look for kindness, and can't find it anywhere. I look for a lack of disingenuousness, and can't find it. I look for compassion, and can't seem to find that, either.


Tetra,
I haven't the words or the energy to describe to you all the factors in my life which contribute to my understanding how you feel, so I'm asking you just to trust me when I say...

...I do understand, and I can honestly tell you that I really, truly, feel exactly the same way - I see the same societal problems exactly as you see them and am experiencing the same kind of struggle.

And I know exactly what it's like to be stuck living as a 'version' of 'you' that isn't anything like who you truly 'are'.

I don't really have anything in the way of "hope" to offer, but maybe the perspective I'm going to share will be some small help:

I've always loved reading and movies, but over the last few years I've realized that what lies behind my enjoyment of those things is actually a deep appreciation of 'story' - not necessarily in the sense of 'fiction' per se (not stor'ies'), but in a much broader, sort of mythopoeic sense...

...it's difficult to explain, but I've also experienced a lot of synchronicity which seemed to be 'telling me' to consider the concept of 'story' as an important aspect of - well - what it 'means' to be human, is the only way I can think to put it.

(There's a great movie, "Lady in the Water" which was one of many helpful 'sources' of my conceptualizing of the idea)

The point of the above is to say that what has helped me at times in my 'struggling', is to shift my perspective of my life in such a way as to look at it in terms of 'story' - not like 'a' story, mind you, but in the larger sense of that word...

...i.e. the themes, archetypes represented, etc. (and not 'the world's story', but your own)

I'm doing a terrible job of explaining this, I hope it's not entirely incomprehensible..

So, here's the main thing:

Don't ever let anyone else dictate to you what 'your' story 'is' - no matter what outer circumstances you may be 'stuck with' as your 'life' -

- your 'story' belongs to you, and while you may have no control over particular 'plot' details - you are the main character, and you decide what your story is truly 'about' and all that is meaningful about it..


Now, look up there at the part of your OP that I quoted, and then read the following:


All those things you "look for" daily? I look for those things to, and I'll tell you right now one place at least that 'you' can find them -

- in the mirror...


...you see, they are part of your character description - part of the beautiful story that is 'you'..


edit on 26-10-2016 by lostgirl because: spacing




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