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Is doubt the greatest relationship destroyer?

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posted on Oct, 24 2016 @ 05:59 AM
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I was head over heels in love with my last real-life girlfriend. When she tried to spend about four hours trying to break up with me, everything changed. I was suddenly full of doubt about her. I was able to change her mind about breaking up with me, and she claimed to want to stay with me after that. We were making plans to live together. The problem was that us living together would have required me to make major changes in my life. Even if that went perfectly, we had an irreconcilable difference waiting for us (she wants a baby and I don't).

She had kept her reasons for wanting to break up with me mostly a secret until she unloaded them on me all at once. That ruined my view of our relationship. It made it feel kind of horrific. I was full of doubt about whether she would turn on me again. My love had turned to constantly questioning everything and worrying about the future. I started looking for a way out, and I broke up with her a few months after she tried to break up with me. She claimed I broke her heart. I got back in touch with her, and she seems like a shell of her former self. The pain I'm feeling from her is making analyze all of this carefully.

The point I'm trying to make is that I went from being full of love and hope toward her to being full of doubt. Nothing she said could ever change that because I would always doubt anything she said.

Please don't tell me that I should have talked to her about all of this before I broke up with her. What difference would that make if I couldn't believe what she said? It didn't help that she had a habit of lying constantly, and she could fool anyone.

All this has made me realize that doubt is the last thing I want to introduce into any relationships in the future. It destroys everything.
edit on 24-10-2016 by Profusion because: (no reason given)




posted on Oct, 24 2016 @ 06:15 AM
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a reply to: Profusion




I was head over heels in love with my last real-life girlfriend. When she tried to spend about four hours trying to break up with me, everything changed. I was suddenly full of doubt about her.


I've got to say, you have the strangest, most self destructive relationships I've ever seen. They want to break up, you beg and beg, finally convincing them to stay, then you have doubts about them!?! You find out she has very good reasons to want to break up, you have doubts about the relationship, call it horrific, but keep it up for months?
Then, you make it sound like this women just lost her will to live over losing you. WTF?



posted on Oct, 24 2016 @ 06:17 AM
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If she wanted a baby and you didn't then really you don't need to look any deeper into it than that. At heart, that's probably what it was all about. As you said yourself, it's an irreconcilable difference.



posted on Oct, 24 2016 @ 06:19 AM
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a reply to: Profusion

Don't take this the wrong way, simply a question.

Was this a codependent relationship? I sounds like am idealization and devaluation cycle, maybe?



posted on Oct, 24 2016 @ 06:22 AM
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a reply to: Profusion

welcoem to life. Lesson learned, if she wants to brake up then just do it. If someone is saying that its usally because their instincts are telling them too, and im one to trust insticts. If you have to convince someone to stay with you it will only work out for a short period, mainly because that other person feels bad or not confident enough to let you down.

it sounds just a like a nrmal problem people go through in life, have you had much experiene with women and relatiionships or is this your first? im guessing first. When love is invloved it seems alot more painfull but it is what it is. Plus if you dont want kids and she does and theres no compromise then of course its not meant to be, kids are a big thing to women.

id let it be what it is, dont go back after her as it will repeat its self usually, just look for somone else, no magic formualr, just get yourself intrdoucing yourself to girls.

and not doubt is not the biggest destroyer in the slightest, everyone doubts themselves. some more than others. the relationship destroyer is not being compatiable in the first place. being compatiable is key for any relationship. If you she wants kids and you dont your not compatibale.

and maybe think if you do ever want kids really... as its a big turn off to most women.



posted on Oct, 24 2016 @ 06:38 AM
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a reply to: Profusion

Not in my opinion.

I think it's the secrets and lies that cause the doubt that erode at the foundation until there's not much left.

Resentments build and then folks are left going through the motions of life for whatever reasons they have to. So now it becomes cyclical. Cause and effect.

A sad state of existence for both parties. I hope in your quests for understanding that you find peace and joy.



posted on Oct, 24 2016 @ 06:44 AM
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Trust is what makes a relationship work, if you can't trust your significant other it will make everything harder. You will constantly feel like you are on the defensive trying to discern the fact from the crap.

If you don't trust you will rust.....


Of another note....

I didn't want kids for years and years my wife had always wanted kids.....now I have 2 and I wouldn't give them up for anything....so you never really know unroll you have them ha ha ha.... I still can't stand other peoples little mouth breathers though....



posted on Oct, 24 2016 @ 07:26 AM
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The strongest relationships are built on Trust.

If there is no trust, there is no relationship.

You can't force someone to love you, or feel a certain way about you..... what is that thing....

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours, if not, it was never yours to begin with"

or something like that.

-Alee
edit on 10/24/2016 by NerdGoddess because: (no reason given)



posted on Oct, 24 2016 @ 07:37 AM
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Simple answer no.

Doubt is caused by being kept in the unknown. That lack of openess is what caused it.



posted on Oct, 24 2016 @ 07:41 AM
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a reply to: Profusion


You said, almost in passing:



"It didn't help that she had a habit of lying constantly, and she could fool anyone."

If that is a simple fact that has dogged your relationship from your first learning of her propensity for protecting herself in that manner, then consider yourself free of regret and move on! With lack of trust comes doubt and that ain't no way to have a stable relationship.



posted on Oct, 24 2016 @ 07:43 AM
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a reply to: Profusion

Profusion,

I think it is reasonable to say, that when you spend a significant period with someone, during which you have no qualms what so ever about your relationship, and then they spring a huge series of mind bombs on you in quick succession, it proves one of a few things about the situation.

Either:

a) The individual hid their intentions for, or concerns about the relationship, purely to keep it going for reasons having much more to do with their own insecurities than anything else

b) The individual had been dropping hints or behavioural clues that there was something amiss, which went unheeded or unnoticed

c) The relationship contained far too little communication to work

d) The relationship should never have begun in the first place, and would not have if the two parties involved had known enough about one another, since both parties would have realised their incompatible approaches to life, the universe and everything, would have ground up against one another like two plates on the Earths crust.

Doubts are one thing, and they certainly are toxic, but before you get to the stage of looking at doubt as a cause, rather than as a symptom, one should always look to the root of the issue.



posted on Oct, 24 2016 @ 08:24 AM
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originally posted by: NerdGoddess
The strongest relationships are built on Trust.
If there is no trust, there is no relationship.



Couldn't agree with you more ....

You can maintain relationships without sex, without romance, and without

many things .... but you can't maintain any sort of successful relationship

without *trust*.



posted on Oct, 24 2016 @ 09:22 AM
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a reply to: TNMockingbird

The very basic fault of any relationship that goes sour is trust issues. When you lose trust, it is over and trying to keep a relationship without that foundation of trust just becomes a mess that can not be cleaned up.



posted on Oct, 24 2016 @ 09:49 AM
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originally posted by: searcherfortruth
a reply to: TNMockingbird

The very basic fault of any relationship that goes sour is trust issues. When you lose trust, it is over and trying to keep a relationship without that foundation of trust just becomes a mess that can not be cleaned up.


Yeah, I hate to say I agree that it is over and becomes a mess. The relationship that is left can still be based on a 'friendship' of sorts but, the romantic/forever love is gone. If it ever existed in the first place.

So sad, to me, that folks just can't seem to be honest about who, what, where they are in life. It can change, of course and one just needs to, perhaps, reevaluate the situation at those times. But keeping secrets and/or lying about fundamental issues would indicate to me that nothing in the relationship (the romantic side, anyway) is/was sincere and when people lie to a lover for absolutely no reason whatsoever...it just makes no sense.

Perhaps if there were a 'justifiable' or 'understandable' reason for the lie it would make more sense.



posted on Oct, 24 2016 @ 10:14 AM
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I had a similar situation. When a woman gets baby rabies and you don't want to have a kid, pretty much plan on her leaving you eventually, or going to a sperm bank to get a child at all costs. Yes, that really happened.



posted on Oct, 24 2016 @ 10:17 AM
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a reply to: TNMockingbird

Justifying the lie is what causes the trust issues. We think we can rationalize the why, but all it does is serve notice that anything said can be questionable if the lie becomes known and it almost always comes out.

Omission from the conversation about specific problems can be just as volatile.

The only time I can think it is acceptable to not tell the truth is when it involves a confident piece of information and even then depending on the who and what, will render many relationships damaged.

Case in point, when my Mother was dealing with her cancer, she refused to share that with other family members and since I was the one child that lived near her in the same city, I was privy due to our relationship, but the rest of my siblings did not find out until she was near her demise, they have never forgiven me for keeping that secret and I no longer have those relationships. I honored my Mother's wishes and suffered the consequences.

Otherwise, I think telling the truth is required for a relationship to be on solid ground.



posted on Oct, 24 2016 @ 06:59 PM
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originally posted by: searcherfortruth

Case in point, when my Mother was dealing with her cancer, she refused to share that with other family members and since I was the one child that lived near her in the same city, I was privy due to our relationship, but the rest of my siblings did not find out until she was near her demise, they have never forgiven me for keeping that secret and I no longer have those relationships. I honored my Mother's wishes and suffered the consequences.


So sorry for the position you found yourself in, I can understand the situation

and if its any consolation to you, I believe you did the right thing in honoring

your mothers wishes.


The people concerned in not forgiving you need to understand ... It was not

about them, it was your mothers choice and they need to 'respect' that.


I am sure you feel better for having kept the trust in the relationship with your

mother, than broken that trust for people so shallow as to blame you. If these

people had been that concerned in the first place they would have kept in touch

more often and seen that your mother was not in good health.


Trust like respect has to be earned .... its not a given.

edit on 24-10-2016 by eletheia because: (no reason given)



posted on Oct, 24 2016 @ 09:25 PM
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originally posted by: Profusion
Is doubt the greatest relationship destroyer?

Yes.
When we 'think' about things, we doubt!
'Thought' is that little red demon sitting on your shoulder, whispering sweet nothings, or sincerely vicious stuff that, somehow, 'feels' good on some vain level.
Thus;
NEVER believe anything that you 'think'!
None of it, no matter how sweet it 'feels' ('feelings' are 'thought'!)!
Take it with a HUGE pile of salt before actually 'acting' on anything that you think or feel!!!
'Thought' = ego!
Ego is antithetical to (unconditional) Love! *__-

True, unconditional Love is ALWAYS Known by It's unconditional Virtues; Compassion, Empathy, Sympathy, Gratitude, Humility, Charity (charity is never taking more than your share of anything, ever!), Honesty, Happiness, Faith...
ALWAYS!

tat tvam asi (en.wikipedia.org...)



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