Okay, I read everyone's replies- a thank you to each! A lot of good people here, and i appreciate it.
Got some ideas to try, some I don't know if I can do (behavioral therapy is hard to find in a small village in rural France, for example), but I have
ideas to look into!
Some of you suggested I consider what exactly is setting this off right now....I didn't want to ask myself that. -Which was a sign I SHOULD. I
realized that at this moment, I keep having flashbacks to a childhood event/period, that was difficult for me. The reason became so glaringly obvious
I cannot believe I didn't see it before I wrote this!
When I was very young, I lived in a neighborhood that was almost exclusively mexican. I was the only white girl in class when I started going to
school. Most of the kids did not speak english, and I basically became the class clown in order to communicate with the others and be part of things.
I made them laugh with body language mostly.
In first grade, the teacher had to concentrate on teaching them to speak english. Because I already spoke english, I think I probably got bored and
began goofing off, distracting the other students, and she decided to send me outside, to sit against a tree. I did this everyday, all year. It was
just the daily ritual.
Then the next year, a new teacher had the mission of teaching them to read in english, and I was already on adult novels, having learned on my own out
against the tree. But she felt it wasn't a good idea to have a child outside all year by herself, so she had a small wooden cubby hole built for me to
crawl into and read, while the rest of the class was being taught. (I never forgot her, it was the kindest thing anyone could do!
But anyway, I think that is where some fo my problem comes from- the idea that my personality is "too much" and that not keeping myself silent and
invisible will get me rejected.
I know, a bunch of you will say stuff like "what do you care about fitting in?? I don't need anyone else, I am fine by myself, I don't understand why
that would bother you."
I dare say, that is often what people who have never been really isolated or alone for long periods of time say. Being alone for years is something
else entirely, and you can have too much of a good thing. Especially at an age of development in which social bonds and skills should be developed.
Get this- right now, I have gone back to school, to get a license in import and export. I suddenly find myself in a class again, and guess what? We
have english class. There is also a british woman. The english teacher immediately sought to get us to participate as much as possible, thinking it
would be good for the others to hear two different accents. She asks us about every other word, if it is more british or american. She tends to fall
into talking only with us while the rest of the class can't follow, and are getting very irritated.
The rest of the class has really become hostile about it. I try to keep from engaging with her, and answer her with simple grunts. I moved to the back
of the class and hide my head, she still seeks me out. She asks me to get up in front of the class and speak. We went around the room, each student
reading a phrase out loud- but AFTER I read it first!
The students are so sick of it, and I told them I understand, I agree, and I am trying hard to change it. I had a talk with teacher alone and let her
know the state of things, it didn't help much.
I guess life has brought me to the same point again, to revisit the same challenge. There's a big tree right outside the door of the class. This time
it has a bench against it, so at least it will be more comfortable than the ground.
What I mean is, this situation is poking old wounds and worries. I had one woman in there tell me this morning that I have a fantastic personality,
that I shouldn't hide, and that inspires others and will probably get me a good job.
For the most part, the people seem to waver back and forth between this anger, and also sort of liking me other times.
I guess these thoughts, I should have expected, considering. Sometimes though, things are too close to see.
I don't know what I am going to do next. But just being more aware of what is going on is my first step, I guess....