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originally posted byFreija
My mom died when she was 48. I was 25 at the time and will be 62 in a couple of months. Would have been kind of nice to see her age and what I had to look forward to but I'm finding that out now on my own. It's not so great.
originally posted by: Freija
We sound a lot alike in many ways except for what we were born as.
I do have a definite streak of tomboy in me. It took me a long time to realize this and incorporate those aspects of myself I so detested into my personality. It really wasn't until I established myself and gained confidence and strength in my femaleness and womanhood that I acknowledged and felt comfortable expressing this side of myself. You natal girls grow up working these things out. I didn't start until I became known to the world as a girl when I was 18. My lens is always going to be a little bit different on things relating to gendered qualities but it isn't that much different. I have and display those characteristics you listed that often get women classified as bitchy and dog knows I've come across that way at times.
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way
So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing
originally posted by: eletheia
That's so sad ... my oldest daughter died at just one year older than your mother, and I know just how young that is .... at 62 you could be my daughter!
If you were to ask me which were my best years, they would have to be between 42 and 44 years, but you can never say never I'm still very optimistic LOL!!
I was very lucky to have my mother live reasonably fit and well to the age of 94yrs. So I do understand that you missed out on one of the best female to female relationships one can ever have...
originally posted by: Benevolent Heretic
This is very interesting. I never thought about that, but you're right. I worked out my male/female balance naturally, without the influence of how my gender is supposed to behave. I was a tomboy, climbed trees, played rough and LOVED trucks! Especially the earth movers. I still do. But I also had dolls and an E-Z bake oven, and planned for my future, when "Mr. Right" would whisk me away to have babies and live happily ever after. But all of that is socially acceptable for a girl. It's not so acceptable for a boy to play with dolls and plan their wedding.
I think you're really strong and brave to reveal yourself here as you always have. Great discussion!
originally posted by: Bluesma
Well, Freija, your life experience is interesting, and your mind beautiful. I enjoyed reading your meanderings!
Women on TV, I will look at very superficial things- her clothes, hair, make up. I pick up new ideas this way, of things to try, or not. I like studying the way beauty has so many different shapes, sizes, colors- seeing how different elements come together to make a fascinating face, for example. -Because often I am very drawn to watching women who just have very unusual looks.
Although, now, in person, I think some of my defense reflexes come in, and I look at body language more, inflection and tone of voice, behaviorisms. I sense where a woman in at, if she is a competative or jealous type to watch out for, if she is honest, or kindhearted. This is just an instinct to help us find and form a good alliances with others, I think.
But anyway.... yeah, we do check each other out. From what my husband and my dad have told me, men check out other men that way too- though they told me it is a lot of comparison- to see who is potentially stronger, more powerful, more handsome, etc. ? I don't personally compare myself that way with other women. I tend to see them like colors of the rainbow, equal yet different. I don't really perceive a vertical hierarchy type of difference. (except perhaps social or economic class, which is sort of separate from who they are as a person)
originally posted by: InTheLight
This an interesting topic because of late I am working with very high powered women and I have taken the train of thought to put myself behind the lens, as an observer not a judge. I do not watch much T.V., so I cannot speak to that.
As I observe the high-powered and not so high-powered women at work, I see great stress and frustration - what from(?) - I can only imagine (but we all know the workloads of women in and out of the house). But, I also see great dedication and that acceptance of great responsibility that most women take on in life.
Most of my life, growing up in the 60s onwards, I was an athlete and was labelled as a 'tomboy', because I preferred climbing trees, running, playing with frogs/snakes, wood working and I naturally challenged anyone who told me I could not do something because I was a girl. I still challenge anyone who restricts my desired life choices, but the label has changed depending upon the bias and/or ignorance of the labeller.
As a young female athlete, most of my time was taken up practicing, so any time I spent with other girls, was usually playing with dolls, etc., which I found boring. My competitiveness showed only in attaining my personal goals of winning in sports, which I did achieve and which has helped to shape my self-esteem. I had many female friends growing up, but that was due to my other traits, mainly joking around and being a kind person, and true friend.
When I was younger, I loved to follow fashion trends (buying expensive runway outfits which I found a discount outlet store long ago) and I still do, but nowadays I do look to see what other women's fashion choices are and if any appeal to me, but I always revert back to my bohemian personality. It is not that I am trying to behave or look differently from other women, I always have been different (including fighting injustices; protesting) and the bohemian look appeals to me, including being braless.
Most other women's fashion choices I see, seem to reflect a 'fitting in' look rather than a 'this is who I am' look. Sometimes I think some women are afraid to step out of the boxes society has stuck them into, even by stepping out of line with what is an acceptable look/attire. (My daughter just dyed her hair purple/red and so good on her!).
So Freija, I can only speak from my long life's perspectives and I don't let anyone dictate to me how I should live my life, in any way.
originally posted by: wtbengineer
Thanks for sharing Freija, I enjoyed reading your innermost thoughts. It's wonderful that you have a place to go and find people that are willing to listen to you and not judge. I'm not saying everyone here is that tolerant, but there are a good few.
We are thrilled watching the joy my wife was able to bring into these guys lives.
Anyway, thanks again for sharing. And I think you are completely 'normal' compared to other women as far as the way you look at them. I know my wife is exactly the same, she tells me so all the time.
How do you look at other women and what do you see? What do you notice first and how do you form your initial impression of them? Do you look for similarities or familiarities in their appearance or manner? Do you compare yours to theirs?
originally posted by: Mousygretchen
a reply to: Freija
(BTW I used to do that too, just now I don't have time for THAT anxiety I have enough going on as it is.)
Honestly, these days I honest to god look for "good" personality traits or quirk or eccentricity. I look for energy levels and humour. I used to worry about being too tall, or that I'm not voluptuous and too bony. I said ef the jealousy cause I really don't need that in me.
My sharing my thoughts and feelings here, it is becoming clear which one is winning out which I can only justify by thinking the more someone can get to know somebody like me, the more they might understand (or be convinced more than ever we're off our rocker). My only real solace is that 99% of the people that know me in the real world know nothing of this or what goes on in my little pea brain on top of everything else in a person's normal life. As i said, it can be noisy. Some days more than others.
originally posted by: Freija
It's hard to not forget and I'm sensitive about modern trans issues but have lived my life of privilege as someone accepted as being cisgender and issues about bathrooms and being trans and "passing" and everything heard recently in the media has never really applied to me but it does give me a lot of things to think about or things on my plate that I wish that weren't there sometimes.
I've mentioned in other threads of dealing with my own internalized transphobia or of hating having anything to do with all of this. That's true. I do. I wish this part of my history never existed and is something I wish I never had to deal with. I find being this way more of an embarrassment than something I want to embrace or identify with regardless of political pressure to do so. It's private and it's just a f'd up thing to have to tell someone or to be perceived as anything but an average female as people are wont to do if they know. That's a horrible feeling.
Although I recognize my differences, all I've ever wanted out of life was to be a regular girl. That's behind everything I've ever done or at the core of my personality and who I am. This is something I've had to fight for that others take for granted. How I got chosen for this "special privilege" I'll never know and I don't really care but it sucks? Just to add for clarity, being who I am as a woman, a person and in the ways I'm female is wonderful and there was never any other way or thing I could have been. I'm happy about that and nothing else was in the cards for me but this whole thing of being born physically male is haunting or like a bad dream. It's hard to talk about or even imagine and since I started this thread even wondering how much being this way may influence my perceptions, it is obviously something I think about still. It can be frustrating.
These are really personal things I hope I don't regret trying to express because I don't always get my emotions across well at times even though my head and heart are full of feels. There's a conflict that goes on inside me between wanting my uniqueness and individuality to be known and wanting to be seen as normal and like everybody else. It's hard sometimes.
originally posted by: InTheLight
It almost seems like you are staying in the closet for real or imagined fears of how people will judge you. You got a glimpse of what you will face out there, from some responses you read in other threads here at ATS.
originally posted by: eletheia
I have a question - although directed to you, it is general and not meant to be personal, and if you prefer not to answer that's OK.
If I had breast implants, or like the poster above my bottom topped up, or my nose reshaped, or any other kind of personal surgery. It would become me and i would never refer to it .... feeling that it was no one else's business.
You have been 'female' for most of your life .... as have others, so why the need to refer to yourselves as transgender/transitioned surely you have become in every way the person you want to be and have left the 'baggage' behind. As I referred in the start of my post if I had in my way taken advantage of surgery, I wouldn't refer
to it again .... It would be my business?
Recently there has been a lot of controversy about toilets and rest rooms etc. and who should use them. I don't see what the fuss is about as I see it after a transition surely the *new* sex is who the person has become?
You do have a choice to not let others' negativity bring you down. You do have a choice to just be your unique self and not compare or try to fit in to (what?) some type of 'norm' that someone else thinks should be the 'norm' (regular woman? - whatever that looks like?).
originally posted by: RainbowPhoenix
Normalcy has never been something that I've been overly concerned with.
... some people's dysphoria is worse or stronger than others if you will. Yourself for example, your dysphoria was strong enough to compel you to take measures earlier in life and in a time when this was far less accepted across society. Kudo's to you for being so brave or perhaps you were just so driven by it that you did not care about how society felt and good for you.
I regret waiting as long as I did but I have my reason's but generally speaking I also do not feel as though my dysphoria is as strong as some others.
Take a scenario for example, I have seen trans women that are like 6'5" with very masculine facial features yet they still soldier on and live their life as women and wish to be seen as such. I personally don't understand that as they have to realize that there is no way in hell they are passing in public (which is important to me) not that that is what determines one's "Transness" or not.
Still I can not help but feel like if I were cursed with that stature and those features I most likely would not have pursued transitioning.
I've also found that it's usually these types that are the most vocal about being allowed to use the bathroom they identify with. When it comes to that I can't help but think "gee no wonder people are looking at you cross eyed when you use the bathroom." You look like a giant lumberjack in a skirt that is quite frankly too short and wearing 5 inch heels that make you almost 7 ft. Like how can someone not know that their appearance is intimidating, out of place and prone to garnering attention looking like that.
My friends still misgender me sometimes but I don't cry about it I just remind them to please refer to me with female pronouns and that I understand that it will take some time to get used to. If they do it in public that is a little different as it is embarrassing to be outed like that in front of a stranger but still a forgivable offense as it does not come from a place of malice or ill intent.
Yikes! I don't remember ever being misgendered or outed like that. That's got to be unpleasant. Heck, I don't even like to be thought of transgender let alone the wrong gender. I'm not sure how I'd react to that? I feel weird and othered as it is when I even have to go to the doctor that knows.