The Art of Negotiating with Your Spouse

Advice about how to negotiate with your spouse is easy to find online. It definitely goes in the "easier said than done" category.

1. Be aware that they’re triggered/reacting. It’s not okay for Brandon to yell at Nicole, and for Nicole to yell at Brandon. Before they can even begin to negotiate, they need to learn how to adjust their behavior toward each other by learning to not react, defusing emotional charges, and eliminating mean and nasty criticisms and judgments. This takes self-control, discipline, a mutual desire to have a healthier relationship…and….practice, practice, practice.

2. Just state the facts; don’t react. Once Brandon and Nicole learn to not react in an angry manner, they need to talk about their differences in a rational way by simply stating the facts and begin to accept each other while suspending judgments. For instance, the facts are that he’s neat, and she’s not, and nobody’s better or worse than the other…just different.

3. Living together with differences.
Source

1. Develop a strategy up front.

2. Seek to understand your spouse’s perspective.

3. Make it fun and easy for your spouse to see what you see.

4. Ask questions rather than provide answers.

5. Don’t tell your spouse what to do or think.

6. Allow your spouse come to his or her own conclusions.

7. Give your spouse the space to say no. Later on, explore the reasons.

8. Find ways to merge your and your partner’s visions.

9. Avoid using facts and figures. (They block visions, not build them.)

10. Make your agreements clear so they can really stick.
Link

Here are seven concrete things you can do to help your negotiations go more smoothly. These are all things that have worked really well for me and Kyeli in our relationship — we wouldn’t give you advice we hadn’t tested ourselves. (; These suggestions are written for romantic relationships, but a lot of them apply to negotiating in business or other types of relationships too.
Negotiation in relationships: 7 concrete things you can do

I've seen posters on this forum claim anything from "there are no negotiations in relationships" to "everything in relationships is based on negotiations." I fall into the latter group myself. I believe anything and everything can be negotiated in relationships. I was married for a long time, and there was a lot of negotiation involved. Both my ex-wife and I had red lines but anything outside of those issues could and would be negotiated. I know negotiations in marriage can work.

Marriage is advanced compromise, my wife and I have been together for forty years.

Just nod and say Ok(insert pet name here) . Worked for me over the last 4 decades."Negotiations" wind up with multiple UFOs comin at you.

I find the trick is to listen without actually listening. However the trick of the trick is being able to answer a question about what you haven't been listening to correctly.
What surprises me is how the subconscious takes in little key words from a conversation (Albeit a one way conversation) and is able to piece together an answer with remarkable accuracy most of the time.


Also because nobody else has said it yet

Marriage is about give and take, you give and all she does is take

a reply to: Profusion

This is negotiation in my house, yes dear, no dear, whatever you say dear!

Hmm, but what if "Nicole" has Borderline Personality Disorder, and "Brandon" being the patient and understanding gent he is.
Is sick of her childish temper tantrums and all the abuse, that he has to put up with daily from her.

Then what should he do?

originally posted by: Macenroe82
Hmm, but what if "Nicole" has Borderline Personality Disorder, and "Brandon" being the patient and understanding gent he is.
Is sick of her childish temper tantrums and all the abuse, that he has to put up with daily from her.

Then what should he do?

Nicole should be in therapy and possibly on a medication. They should also go to couples therapy. I am guessing Brandon knew about Nicoles disorder. It is "In sickness and in health".

Men of the world...or at least ATS. I live by the creed of....."Happy Wife = Happy Life". Been working for me since 2002.

a reply to: Profusion

Yes, get out the rational reason book. Agree with each other not to disagree so loudly, next time.

Then next time, one person doesn't get their way and starts raising their voice to assert control...

Control freaks will 'agree' with you, tell you anything you need to hear until they don't get their way.

a reply to: Profusion

Sometimes you can get into a fight over nothing, but it's helpful if you have the wisdom to take a step back, not always have to "have the last word"

If you can take a break, go for a walk, whatever it is to give yourself some time before coming back to the conversation, it can prevent a nasty unnecessary argument

Interesting topic.

A few thoughts, speaking globally

1. Develop a strategy up front.
* Keep it realistic. Having unrealistic expectations will just lead to failure.


2. Seek to understand your spouse’s perspective.
* Understand that they will sometimes not seek yours. Which makes it a one way discussion for them.


3. Make it fun and easy for your spouse to see what you see.
*This will only work if they're willing, If there is no willingness on their part it's a wasted endeavor.


4. Ask questions rather than provide answers.
* Be prepared to hear things that may not be flattering, true or even related to the topic.


5. Don’t tell your spouse what to do or think.
* Be prepared for them to tell you what they think you should have done, should be doing, or how thoughtless, uncaring they think you've been.

6. Allow your spouse come to his or her own conclusions.
* Be prepared for them to take their sweet time as they massage & groom their anger and resentments first.

7. Give your spouse the space to say no. Later on, explore the reasons.
* In the meantime, work on your side of the street so to speak and understand how your own negative contributions contributed to the present disagreement/rift.

8. Find ways to merge your and your partner’s visions.
* This works as long as they don't continuously move the proverbial goal post without letting you know after the fact.

9. Avoid using facts and figures. (They block visions, not build them.)
* Conversely, Don't let overly emotional frustrations and unrelated fantasies cloud the reality of the situation either.

10. Make your agreements clear so they can really stick.
* Setting Healthy realistic boundaries on what is and isn't acceptable.

(11). Love should be unconditional not-

"If XYZ really loved me, XYZ would, should or could have ......"

The key is to lay it down hard in the bedroom and negotiate directly after.
Gotta get um when they are satisfied and exhausted.
Best negotiation tool ever.

I don't know if negotiate is the right word for how it works in our marriage. My husband has final say on everything. He is the head of the house. He asks for and respects my opinion, but major decisions are ultimately in his hands.

I submit to my husband and my husband loves me as Jesus loves the church. I know many may cringe at that, but in a very practical way, it works. I feel loved, respected, and taken care of... And my husband does too. With a clear line of authority, family decisions are much smoother. Drawn out negotiations don't happen.

In my marriage my husband is the head of our home and I am the heart of it.
BUT,we are both controlled by a 7 pound cat who has trained us both to
respond to her "needs" immediately if not sooner.

a reply to: Macenroe82

Thats me!

a reply to: FamCore

Well said! Its the difference between getting the cops called or not for a lot of people!

Good to remember these things from time to time

a reply to: mamabeth

This is my life.
My wife and I can argue till shes screaming and throwing her little fists of fury.
But as soon as our big fat cat comes in the room. She settles down and snaps out of it.
Its like that cat is her Valium and seroquel, all wrapping in 1 little package.