Just a rant on a personal situation.

I've been thinking back on my husband's attitude before he became ill. Basically I would use solid common sense and logic to try to work it all out with him. His angry response was to go to the gym and out lift all the younger men there.

Your guy is feeling the change and doesn't want to admit it and one word is going to make him want to prove himself. Tread carefully. Men are different animals, we do not think the same way.

After my husband passed they examined him and there was a lot of damage, hernias that he never complained about, discs totally messed up, poorly healed broken bones, etc. He never said a word. It was considered a weakness for men from his time to admit pain. He was born in "48.

Your guy is only complaining about knees right now, keep it that way and let his doctor know about his "attitude", he may be hiding pain from you and the doctor should do an occasional scan "cause many guys just won't admit they have pain even to their doctor.

Sorry for all the details, consider it a cautionary tale.

I wish the best for you two,

STM

a reply to: seentoomuch

I went through the male menopause thing for nearly two years and what a relief to be finally through that... I was grumpy and pissed off.

Some would likely suggest hormone replacement therapy but then that would likely cause mood swings. I'd rather be at peace and just age as gracefully as possible.

a reply to: Bluesma

Speaking as a man, I can tell you that we are stupid, insecure, and are always wrong.

(I have a long and successful marriage)

a reply to: DBCowboy

I 2nd this notion and am better for every single lesson ever learned...

Great rant, and you are not alone!!!
I have an educated guess as to how this ... dynamic... between you and Mr. Bluesma has evolved.

Tell me if I'm close, or way off base.

You start through the middle years transitions that we gals go through.
He has heard about the more straight-forward symptoms... maybe from witnessing his mom or sisters, maybe from friends.
He thinks 'women have been doing this since Eve, and now we have all these modern ways to deal with it. Go and do that with my blessing.'

Not realizing...
A) this transition is sooooo much more uncomfortable than hot flashes, mood swings and unpredictable 'monthlies'.
B) its a constant process of adjusting lifestyle, diet, exercise, supplements and meds, because as sure as the sun rises in the morning, the regimen that eased symptoms yesterday probably will be too little or too much 6 months from now, until the hormones finally settle at their new normal for good. Which can take YEARS.
C) all the while doing dead level best to keep up all the roles and goals you've always had, with some semblence of a smile.

All that is tiring, exhausting, at times frustrating work. But he wouldn't know that... he doesn't have child-bearing physiology. Totally foreign concept to the guys, just as pregnancy is.

Total guess on my part, based on observing my grandparents, then my parents, and now finally living it myself.

I totally laughed out loud at one place in your post, because my husband asked me the exact same thing... 'Are you sure you can do this?'... we had been out touristing all day and our daughter was exhausted, so I picked her up and proceeded to carry on the more-than-a-mile route back to the bus. At that time, I had just started this lovely mid-life journey.

He says 'Are you sure you can do this?'
What I heard in my heart was 'I doubt you can do this'.
And what he really meant was 'if you don't want to lug a tired kid for miles, we'll figure out something else'.

There are times I wish my husband could live the approach to menopause for a while. Then I feel guilty, because I wouldn't wish that on my enemy, quite honestly.

And have to say, proud of and inspired by your fitness work!! Bravo!!

All the best to you both,
CSI

Gosh it feels better just seeing how many people have shared similar experiences (both mine and his).
It is comforting.... thanks for that!!

Last night, out of nowhere, he asked what time I usually go running, and said he'd like to go with me today!

He has never done that - even when I tried hard to convince him! So I guess he is still worrying silently about how he's going to handle it.

But we woke up to pouring rain, so...we'll see if he'll join me in the exercise room for resistance training and yoga....



As far as what I went through in menopause, he wasn't very understanding. Women in France don't talk easily about this, especially in front of men, so he knew nothing about it. Even me, my mom died before hitting it, and I never knew grandmothers, so in fact I was going through perimenopause rather early, at 42, but didn't know what was wrong with me! I was taking pregnancy tests each two months fearfully, and going to my doc for memory loss, foggy brain, fatigue, feeling emotional.... he was an idiot who didn't guess at this.

I actually came up with the idea at 46, and asked my doctor for blood tests, which finally confirmed what was going on.
But hot flashes have been my only problem since the change has finished. Only emotionally did it become difficut for a while. Feeling like I was no longer a woman, not feminine, not capable of being desirable anymore.... that hit me deeper than I expected.
I got over it. Life is too exciting and interesting to get hung up on that.

But.....
I'm starting to suspect my husband might be feeling a similar sort of feeling. He's going through a lot of changes physically, and that is when it really comes home that you are getting old, and that it isn't matter of looking less attractive anymore, it is about PAIN, discomfort, the inability to do things you could do before!


Maybe I can help him get through, maybe not. When I started to feel that getting my foot in the stirrup was getting way too difficult I got sad - until I realized there was a perfectly good wall I could use to help me mount my horse, and actually could usually find something anywhere - I just needed to gain the habit and get used to it. My ability to continue riding didn't change as much as I feared.

So maybe there are things like that he just needs to learn to do differently, to know he can still do them.

a reply to: Bluesma

At 44 a lot of people want me to get on a skateboard again...after doing it for over 30 solid years. My back is jacked up my legs last I rode could only give me 10 minutes before locking up and I'm someone that wants to go all out like I never stepped off of it... and well that is what kept leading to more and more injury making me set it down.

Doesn't mean I can't... it just means I need to change perspective. Like when driving you realize that despite all of that rush it only will save you 2 minutes per roughly 20 mph over the speed limit per 100 miles... this is why you always catch up to that person speeding... they are going no where fast.

So you slow down and take it easy the new perspective, sure I get called a grandpa but why stress traffic?

I need to try to apply the same thing to skateboards to ease back into it, and know I have limited range of motion and that it takes longer getting up and in a bad injury it can mean weeks instead of days. Especially when I used to simply enjoy rolling down the street just because front foot impossibles down 10 stairs once occurred doesn't mean they are more fun than just rolling around.

It's a transition that over the hill and who says it can't be just as fun? I don't mind my stretch marks from that dad bod I kept for far far too long but going from 235 down to 160 where it was hard to breathe and I looked pregnant? Feels much better. Still an asshole but a healthier one.

a reply to: BigBrotherDarkness

Totally relate!

I was used to the challenge and excitement of my sport in riding horses! I liked working with young ones, or troubled ones, that would pose me a challenge, and enough risk to make it exhilerating when you are successful (and didn't end up in the hospital). The physical stress, the sweat, dust and tears, and hot muscles was a big part of the joy.

When I really realized I needed to be more careful because my body isn't as strong and my balance is wanting, I figured that's it.

But after a while I started to find a different sort of pleasure in just trail riding through the forest on my trusty old mare. It's really okay to just calm down.

Congrats on the enormous weight loss!!! My god, that is awesomely admirable!

(we have a 14 month old grandson who is just starting to call my husband "poppy". When you start to really identify as a grandparent, that sorta touches weird chords in ya too...)

a reply to: Bluesma

Not a grandpop yet son just turned 18 graduated high school but already has a 2 year degree and looking for more last we talked.

Though, I'm going to invest in a sexy grandpa hat whether he's ready or not... it's called preparedness.

I'm glad to hear you found ways to work around and adjust so that you kept enjoyment over frustration... it's like when I'm watching a movie with someone and I'm not really interested and they look serious instead of making fun of it like mystery science theater the entire time which I love to do at any and all movies TV shows etc. I will instead focus on the scenery look for extras not knowing how to drink out of a glass anymore or stare into the camera more than Kristen Stewart does so I make my own games by simply placing my focus or mind where I want it to be... never day dreaming or chasing that sucker around brings so much peace in taming it and placing it each and every moment.