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What do you think...(**graphic..ish**)

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posted on Jan, 21 2005 @ 06:38 PM
I'm working on a story based on The Crow movies....what do you think? :

The Crow: Lost Souls

By: Vlad Sobko


People once believed that when someone dies, a crow carries their soul to the land of the dead. But sometimes, something so bad happens that a terrible sadness is carried with it and the soul can't rest. Then sometimes, just sometimes the crow could bring that soul back to put the wrong things right.

Mark and Shelly entered the wedding chapel. Today was there wedding and it was Halloween night. Mark and Shelly barley had any relatives so it was just both of them and a priest. “Do you, Mark Lowery take Shelly Perez as your beloved wife?” Mark smiled, and said “I do”. “And do you, Shelly Barley take Mark Lowery as your beloved husband?” continued the priest. Shelly smiled and said “I do”. “Mark Lowery and Shelly Perez, I now pronounce you Man and Wife; you may now kiss the bride.” They kissed deeply…what they didn’t know was that it would be their last.
The door in the chapel got kicked open. Mark and Shelly drew there attention to the door. Five men entered the chapel. “Sorry to come un-invited!” screamed one of the men. They were all wearing black leather coats, and they all had green painted Mohawks.
The men kicked everything in there sight. “Oh it’s a wedding” one of the men said. “What are you doing here, get out of here!” screamed the priest. One of the men drew a gun and pointed it at the priest. “Oh my god” murmured Shelly. “Got anything to say now f**ker?!” said the man holding the gun.
“Please leave us be” said Mark. The man holding the gun walked up to Mark. “You think you’re so tough?!” he exclaimed. The man hit Mark across the face with the gun. Mark fell to the floor bleeding. “Mark!!” screamed Shelly. “Leave us alone, please!!!” she said. The man with the gun aimed the gun at Shelly. Shelly was scared…she was crying. The man smiled and pulled the trigger. The bullet entered Shelly’s head. She fell to the floor right near Mark. “Oh my god!” Mark screamed. The man kicked Mark in the chest. Two other men beat up the priest. The remaining two joined the gunman and viciously kicked Mark in the face. “Enough” commanded the gun man. “Do as Milenski told us, and burn the f***ing place down!!!” added the gun man.
Mark was bleeding very hard. Near him was his dead wife. Her eyes were closed and blood was pouring from her wound. A tear rolled down his cheek. Outside, the five punks threw Molotov Cocktails into the building. The building was not so large, and it was made out of wood, so it burned down rather quickly. Suddenly, the punks hard police siren. “S*
*it, it’s the cops, let’s get out of here”. The punks ran away into an alley. The gun man turned around once more and saw that a black crow sat on one of the burning logs. “Stupid bird” he murmured.

Chapter 1- Do you want to die?

The 5 punks entered the Krazen Strip Club. There names were Chris, Drake, Brian, Bruce, and John. The Krazen strip club is the strip club that Krazen Milenski owns. The Krazen Strip Club was not only a strip club, it is also a bar. The club was packed with people. The punks went up a staircase that led to Krazen’s office. They opened the door and saw a naked girl kissing Krazen. One of the punks straightened his voice, to let Krazen know that they were there. Krazen looked up. “Oh umm…sorry guys” he said. The girl smiled and left the room.
“We took your orders, and killed Mark and Shelly, and we burnt the place down” said John. “Any witness’s?” asked Krazen. “No” added John. Krazen smiled, “Good Job guys” he added. “Why did you want to kill them Krazen, especially on there wedding?” asked John. “That’s none of your business” Krazen responded.

Mark woke up. He didn’t know were he was. But he remembered what happened. Mark went mad and kicked and struggled. There was no air, and it was extremely hot. Mark then cracked something. He then knew were he was…in a casket…6 feet under. Mark dug his way up. He wasn’t breathing. His hands touched maggots and worms. Suddenly he was out of the ground. He jumped out. He took a deep breath and fell to the floor. He got back up, and was on his knees. The images of Shelly getting shot flickered over and over in his head. He was crying. Suddenly a black crow flew and landed right in front of him. It cawed and looked at him. It then flew up in the air. It was telling him to follow. His shaking hands suddenly turned into raging fists.
Mark ran after the crow. After 20 minutes of running after it, the crow stopped at a store. A store that sold leather “goods”. The crow cawed, and nodded its head toward the store. Mark went in the store. There was no-one inside it except the cashier. Mark took a black t shirt and put it on. He took leather pants and put it on. And finally, he took a black leather trench coat. Mark went up to the cashier. “Hey, what do you think your doing?! You have to pay for all of it!!!” screamed the cashier. Mark grabbed the cashier’s throat and chocked him. “Who is Milenski, and were is he?” said Mark patiently. “Oh god, don’t kill me!! He owns the Krazen Strip Club in Upper Manhattan! Now get off of me!!” replied the cashier.
“Thank you” said Mark. Right when Mark was about to walk out of the store he caught a glimpse of himself in the glass door’s reflection. He was different. He was extremely pale. Suddenly the cashier took out a shot gun and pointed it at Mark. “You have two seconds to take the cloths off or pay for it, or else I shoot!!” commanded the cashier. “Do you want to die?” asked Mark. As the cashier was about to reply, Mark with a swift and fast movement, he punched the cashier in the throat. The cashier chocked and within seconds, his movement stopped and so did his life. Mark took the shot gun and put it in his coat which had a huge handle at the back well enough for the shot gun to fit into it.
Outside there was a biker on a Motorcycle. Mark went up to the biker. “Give me your bike” he said. The biker laughed. “What, are you f***ing kidding me?” he said. Mark smiled and punched the fat biker off of the bike. The biker was knocked out. Mark jumped onto the bike. The crow was on a building. It cawed, and flew away. Mark knew what he had to do…he had to follow the crow, it will lead him to the people who killed him and his wife…including Milenski. Mark drove off into the darkness following the crow.

So...what do you think? If you dont have anything nice to say...please, dont say it.

posted on Jan, 22 2005 @ 05:51 AM
I think its a very good start, with a little more refinement you will be a great story writer.

posted on Jan, 22 2005 @ 12:25 PM
Interesting story, just keep the language to a minimum please...

posted on Jan, 22 2005 @ 01:37 PM
I've seen all 3 Crow movies. there is even a rumored The Crow: Lazarus. Never went anywhere though.

The bar with the stairs leading up to the Boss/ring leaders office. The Crow Part 1.

And no offence, but it seems like your ripped alot off from the first movie. Including the name "Shelly". She was Eric Dravens Fiance.

After Eric Draven digs himself out of the casket he is in. There is the crow. He runs and follows it across roof tops for about 10-15 minutes. Sound familiar?

Cashier part...sounds like when Eric goes to the pawn shop to get back his wedding ring, and his guitar.

Motor bike - The Crow: City of Angels (part 2)

....No offence but I used to be into the Crow for a very long time. The words, and language used by him is very off. If you want I can help you write it. The words the crow speak should be very dark/sinister but with a different attitude and not so to the point.

"Give me your bike"
...the crow wouldnt talk like the terminator. it has to be deeper / careless. Like when he blows up the pawn shop in the first movie. He doesn't say anything like...your going to burn in hell...or its time to die....he says, in a grinning sort of way, "is that gasoline I smell?", e-mail me if you want help.

[edit on 22-1-2005 by _BLiND_]

posted on Jan, 22 2005 @ 02:07 PM
It was a good story, just could've done with slightly less language

posted on Jan, 22 2005 @ 03:30 PM
Damn calm down _BLiND_. I appreciate everybody's comments. But _BLiND_, I only watched the first crow movie. The cashier part was in fact not based on the pawn shop act.
, think what ever you want man.

posted on Jan, 22 2005 @ 05:56 PM
chill man i was joking around...but it's just a llittle too close to comfort for me.

posted on Jan, 22 2005 @ 08:05 PM
Okay then, anyway, thanks for the comment. I usually like writing about vampires, but this was my try at writing some crow fan fic.

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