Come Here Ye Who Seeks A Laugh

I'm a bit down lately. I've tried to make a JavaScript program which would have enabled you to directly convert text into image pixels, but common website builders most people use failed to display the image properly. Add to that the fact that my preon paper in Wikipedia has been targeted for deletion for "lack of notability"... All this didn't help my mood much.

So I've thought that maybe I could brighten YOUR day instead, by being the very first to do "Post-up comedy" on ATS! See, it's kind of like Stand-up comedy, except I don't have to travel, I don't have to remember lines, and you won't have to endure my thick, incomprehensible Canadian accent - whatever that is.



You know, people often ask me what my signature means. Well, I thought of "Everything Is Always Better With A Swan", but then I realised how just wrong it sounded.

I must be really special. Like, godly special. 'Cause in all the whole, wide world available to them (entire forests, stretches of marshes, mountains), flies always choose to land... on my face. But then... if flies truly are indicative of messianic qualities, then this means the next Saviour is most probably a horse.

Alot of christians keep on suggesting me I follow in God's footsteps. The thing is, I reckon God's going to be just a tad annoyed if I follow him when he goes to the men's room.

Hey, maybe God created gluten intolerance so to stop people from eating his Son's body during Eucharistic ceremonies?

Many people picture Satan with horns and an evil grin. But I for one picture Satan with rather dark and hellish tattoos, in ancient goth font. "Jesus = Lie", or perhaps "God Is DEAD", most probably "Ad Hominem Attacks Are Acceptable Arguments In A Debate". Scary stuff of nightmares.

Speaking of undeniable logic, I've noticed that the US has a bit of an economical biggy. But I've found a solution to solve your debt. Instead of backing your dollars on gold, you should back your dollars on Flat-Earth scientific evidences. These are so rare (yet highly prized by so many), the value of your dollars would skyrocket.

Many people want Clinton to sit in the White House. Alot of other people want her to be locked in the dark recesses of a large prison. Funny - until now, I thought the two were synonymous.

I've never understood why some people throw punches at policemen when they say "freeze". Following that logic, when a photographer tells me to stand still, I should instead knock him out and bolt off.

They say that "Safety is a step in the Right Direction". But it's not true. Whenever I drive, if I keep turning Right I just keep on hitting the trees.

People used to walk on the sidewalks, you know. Nowadays they not only walk on the side of the sidewalk, they also come out in the night... and dress themselves with a black hoodie! I mean, what's next? Walking in the middle of the road wearing an invisibility cloak?

In alot of sci-fi movies, aliens are always portrayed as super-advanced beings with hi-tech antigravity saucers, holographic 3D interfaces, and with genius, psychic or even telekinetic qualities. But taking our own specie as an example, I think it's much more probable that the first encounter will go like this: an alien rocket crash-lands on Earth's ocean, and its fuel accidentally leaks into our environment. The alien that comes out looks like a mechanics, covered in grease and with an aching back. Forget psychic abilities - turns out he's full of character flaws, a mixture of problem with authority and attention deficit disorder. Telekinesis? Yeah right - there's a reason why he needed a ship to get here in the first place.

I don't eat much in restaurants. Just the other time, I ordered a glass of water with ice and a sandwich. I still don't know how they've managed to fit the sandwich in the glass.

I like to hang out at stores, though. At the hardware store I saw a tool which could do anything, so I grabbed it, but then the boss told me to let go of his employees.


All right, thanks for listening ATS, I hope you've enjoyed it!

originally posted by: swanne

I must be really special. Like, godly special. 'Cause in all the whole, wide world available to them (entire forests, stretches of marshes, mountains), flies always choose to land... on my face. But then... if flies truly are indicative of messianic qualities, then this means the next Saviour is most probably a horse.

No you are bloody well not special!
If I walk up mainstreet in Newcastle, Co Down, by the end of the walk I usually have most of the local wildlife stuck to my gub. Seagulls have shat on me, clegs hitch a ride, then the b......'s bite me before they go, and all the domestic puppy's out for walkies, cock their little legs up on my trousers, (sometimes they even wrap their paws around my leg as a sign of affection) ...I think!

a reply to: smurfy

LOL! That affectionate wrap around Your leg by a dog is the dog trying to knock You over. Hence the push and pull movements of His hips...LMFAO!!!

a reply to: smurfy

Lol All I get in mind is this scene of Steve Carell in Evan Almighty:

a reply to: DAVID64