BOOOM…BOOOM…BOOM, it happened a 3rd time. “WHO THE HELL IS IT?” I hollered from just the other side of the door.
“It’s Yog’s, dammit, open the door!!!” So, I opened the door just a crack to see who was there. Sure enough it was Yog’s. As I opened the
door I was met with a sight from a cheap horror movie. Yog’s was covered from head to toe in blood, he looked like he’d just left an axe-murder!
He’s got a black eye, his clothes are in shreds and he’s soaking wet!
“WHAT the EFF happened to YOU???” I asked incredulously.
“Dude, just lemme’ in, I’m FREEZING…and, and…I think the cops are after me!!” he says.
By this point I’m just in shock! Hard to believe, I know, but still. About this same time Judy rolls around the corner wrapped up in nothing but a
section of the still smoldering bedroom curtains.
“What the HELL happened to you, Yog’s???? SERIOUSLY, what’s going on???”
“Dude, can I have some water, I’m super thirsty, alright??” he says.
I tell him to sit down on the couch (after he props up one side with a brick) and not to move until I get back. I head to what’s left of the
kitchen to get some water for him in an old bean can from the garbage we were using as an ashtray. I also tell Judy to get the first aid kit. This
is gonna’ be good!!
So I toss Yog’s a greasy shop towel and tell him to wipe some of the blood off, it’s making a mess of my twisted wreckage for a living room. I
give him a couple shots of whiskey from the corner of a bottle that was behind the couch (musta’ missed that one). We get him calmed down and
liquored up enough to start telling us what happened. Judy, by now, has just let the curtain fall off and she’s walking around totally naked, those
green laser beam eyes twinkling in the light and that blistering red hair down her back. (she was just like that, totally comfortable in her own
skin). Yog’s, a man of few words, starts to tell us his story…
“Crystal threw me through a window” he says, quite calmly given the situation.
“WHAT??? WHAT window?” I ask.
“The front window” he says.
“Your BAY WINDOW…the one in the front of your house…THAT window???” I ask.
“Yeah” is the extent of his reply.
“How the hell did THAT happen????”
“Well, we were drinking and then we were wrestling (foreplay for them), and she just freaked out all of a sudden and let out this primal scream and
the next thing I knew I was laying on the front porch in a bunch of broken glass”.
“So that’s how your clothes got all torn up then right?” I implore him, incredulously.
“No, I didn’t have any clothes on then” he says, “I went inside…well, tried to go inside, but Crystal had me locked out so I had to climb
back through the window, to go get some clothes on”.
“So how did your clothes get torn up??”
“From the bushes” he says, very stoically.
“BUSHES??? WHAT bushes?” I’m now in complete disbelief at the story unfolding in front of us.
Man, I had to take a stiff shot to hear the rest of THIS story…
“Wait, what happened to your eye?” I ask.
“Huh???” he says.
“Dude, you’ve got a big ol’ shiner on your left eye, you look like Rocky Balboa after a death match!!” I tell him.
He reaches up and feels his eye. “Oh yeah, that must be from when Crystal punched me.”
“Wait…WHAT??? Crystal punched you in the eye????” I ask him.
“Yeah, she just hauled off and belted me when I was coming back through the window.” He says, real calm like, “but I had to get dressed.”
“So let me get this straight; you two get blasted, start some naked wrestling, she throws you through a window, locks you out and then dots your eye
on the way back through the window???” I ask.
“Yeah, pretty much” he says.
“So, let’s get back to the bushes thing, and your clothes getting torn up…and why are the cops looking for you???” I ask him.
Time for another stiff shot, all around this time…on with the story.
Yog’s starts in “Well, as soon as Crystal through me through the window, Czar (his completely insane Siberian Husky pup) jumped out of the window
and ran off” he says. (Side note here – this dog was notorious for running 2-3 COUNTIES away before even slowing down).
Yog’s continues, “so I wanted to hurry up and get my clothes on so I could go looking for him, but that’s when Crystal had me locked out, and
then punched me in the head”.
“Your woman locked you out of your OWN house, and then punched your stoopid ass right in the melon when you tried to come in, am I hearing this
right???” I asked him.
“Yeah” (just had to love the long, detailed, responses from Yog’s)
“So THEN what happened???”
“Well, I went out looking for Czar (the dog)”
“Dude, it’s like 4 o’clock in the morning for cripes sakes!!!” I tell him.
“Yeah…well, it wasn’t then…it was only about 3” he says “and I even saw him at one point dart off into somebody’s bushes, but then it
started to rain.” “I tried to call him, but you know Czar, that’s just a cruel joke to him which means ‘catch me if you can’!” he
“So why are the cops after you?” I ask, the picture now coming into much better focus.
“Well, when I was rooting around in the bushes of the neighbor’s place I think they saw me because a light came on”
Yog’s continues, “then some lady opened up her bedroom window and had a flashlight. I didn’t realize the bushes had so many thorns in them.
She hollered at me, something about getting out of the bushes so I stood up, and she kinda’ screamed a little.” (I loved the “a little” part,
she probably screamed bloody freaking murder!!!!!)
I am now rolling around on the floor laughing at the mental images of what this poor woman must have been through!
“I think she called the cops” he says.
“I can’t EVEN imagine why, Yog’s!!!!” I said, “I mean here you are, some drunken pumpkin-head, rummaging around in her bushes, at 3
o’clock in the morning, in the rain, outside her bedroom window, and then you stand up covered in blood from the thorn bushes with a black eye!!
JEEZUS, you must have looked like Jason from Halloween!! LOL!!!” I said. “It’s a wonder she didn’t shoot you on the spot!!”
“Yeah” is his expansive reply. “but I did tell her I was sorry” (like that’s going to do a lot of good!!)
END PT II
edit on 9/5/2016 by Flyingclaydisk because: (no reason given)