Judy

Not sure where to put this one, so I'll let others decide where it best fits...

So over the years here I’ve often talked about a gal named “Judy”. Some may think Judy was just a fictional red-head, but she was far from fictional. I will finally share with you who “Judy” was.

First, Judy was a red head. I don’t remember how we met, but I think it might have been at the Sizzler steak house (remember those?). She was waiting tables there. She said she went to High School with me, but I don’t remember her (in retrospect, how could I EVER forget, not her!!). Anyway, it doesn’t matter.

This one night, me and my buddy Stu went into Sizzler for dinner. We were in college then (but who cares). We’d been at the bar for a bit and really didn’t give a crap about much; it was Saturday night. Judy wheeled up and asked what we wanted. I took one look at her thick red hair, freckles and fairly tight body and ordered an “extra large order of…Judy!” Ha, ha, right? Well, it wasn’t long before Judy was jammed in between Stu and me in my Jeep CJ-8 after closing, with no particular place to go. Of course, I ditched Stu so Judy didn’t have to sit on the center console with me jamming the shifter into her crotch for 4th gear every 3 seconds. (I tried extra hard to stay in the lowest gear for obvious reasons). She didn’t care…she was “Judy”. I had no idea what I was in for!

Well, Judy and I got along just famously; she was some sort of a primal creature, the likes of which I’d never met up with before. I’m sure much of the stuff we did when we were alone together must have almost certainly been illegal, or at very least morally reprehensible. In today’s vernacular, some would say…”that’s just WRONG!”, but it was so right!

So, now that I have your attention; enough about Judy! This story isn’t about her, but rather about a friend of mine named Dave (we called him Yog’s for short, dunno why). You see, Judy had this girlfriend, her best friend, named Crystal, and Crystal was an Amazon by every definition. Crystal stood about 6’2” and had 5’ long legs. If Joan Jett ever had a twin sister, Crystal was it! She looked just EXACTLY like Joan Jett (a little better endowed, but identical in her features and body language). Judy was crazy, but Crystal was even crazier still…in a calm sort of ‘go off the rails’ crazy kind of way. Put some tequila in either one of these girls and all bets were off! After a while I set up Yog’s with Crystal and they really clicked.

This one Saturday night Judy and I were having a relaxing evening at my apartment. You know, we were doing the usual furniture destructing, sheetrock breaking, chandelier hanging, hop-skip-and go blind stuff kids do. The stereo was on in the living room, the TV was on in the bedroom, but we weren’t paying attention to either. All of a sudden there was this pounding on the door…BOOOM…BOOOOM….BOOOOOOOOM!!! “What the EFF was that?” I asked Judy, as I crawled out from under the broken pieces of lath and plaster, dusting myself off. Then it happened again, but this time louder…BOOOOM…BOOOOM…BOOOOOM!!! Someone was serious!

I told Judy to go try to wipe some of the chocolate syrup off her face, extinguish the curtains and hide the roto-hammer under the wreckage of the bed for a minute while we figured out what the hell was going on.

(some minor other details ommitted here…until we can confirm all statutes of limitations have run out)

“Who the EFF is it?” I hollered from the living room. I heard some muffled response. “It’s 4 o’clock in the EFFING morning, what the EFF do you want???”

Okay, so I might have exaggerated about the roto-hammer, but I assure you what follows is an absolutely TRUE story! …

End PT I

Part II

Part II
BOOOM…BOOOM…BOOM, it happened a 3rd time. “WHO THE HELL IS IT?” I hollered from just the other side of the door.
“It’s Yog’s, dammit, open the door!!!” So, I opened the door just a crack to see who was there. Sure enough it was Yog’s. As I opened the door I was met with a sight from a cheap horror movie. Yog’s was covered from head to toe in blood, he looked like he’d just left an axe-murder! He’s got a black eye, his clothes are in shreds and he’s soaking wet!

“WHAT the EFF happened to YOU???” I asked incredulously.
“Dude, just lemme’ in, I’m FREEZING…and, and…I think the cops are after me!!” he says.

By this point I’m just in shock! Hard to believe, I know, but still. About this same time Judy rolls around the corner wrapped up in nothing but a section of the still smoldering bedroom curtains.

“What the HELL happened to you, Yog’s???? SERIOUSLY, what’s going on???”
“Dude, can I have some water, I’m super thirsty, alright??” he says.
I tell him to sit down on the couch (after he props up one side with a brick) and not to move until I get back. I head to what’s left of the kitchen to get some water for him in an old bean can from the garbage we were using as an ashtray. I also tell Judy to get the first aid kit. This is gonna’ be good!!

So I toss Yog’s a greasy shop towel and tell him to wipe some of the blood off, it’s making a mess of my twisted wreckage for a living room. I give him a couple shots of whiskey from the corner of a bottle that was behind the couch (musta’ missed that one). We get him calmed down and liquored up enough to start telling us what happened. Judy, by now, has just let the curtain fall off and she’s walking around totally naked, those green laser beam eyes twinkling in the light and that blistering red hair down her back. (she was just like that, totally comfortable in her own skin). Yog’s, a man of few words, starts to tell us his story…

“Crystal threw me through a window” he says, quite calmly given the situation.
“WHAT??? WHAT window?” I ask.
“The front window” he says.
“Your BAY WINDOW…the one in the front of your house…THAT window???” I ask.
“Yeah” is the extent of his reply.
“How the hell did THAT happen????”
“Well, we were drinking and then we were wrestling (foreplay for them), and she just freaked out all of a sudden and let out this primal scream and the next thing I knew I was laying on the front porch in a bunch of broken glass”.
“So that’s how your clothes got all torn up then right?” I implore him, incredulously.
“No, I didn’t have any clothes on then” he says, “I went inside…well, tried to go inside, but Crystal had me locked out so I had to climb back through the window, to go get some clothes on”.
“So how did your clothes get torn up??”
“From the bushes” he says, very stoically.
“BUSHES??? WHAT bushes?” I’m now in complete disbelief at the story unfolding in front of us.

Man, I had to take a stiff shot to hear the rest of THIS story…
“Wait, what happened to your eye?” I ask.
“Huh???” he says.
“Dude, you’ve got a big ol’ shiner on your left eye, you look like Rocky Balboa after a death match!!” I tell him.
He reaches up and feels his eye. “Oh yeah, that must be from when Crystal punched me.”
“Wait…WHAT??? Crystal punched you in the eye????” I ask him.
“Yeah, she just hauled off and belted me when I was coming back through the window.” He says, real calm like, “but I had to get dressed.”
“So let me get this straight; you two get blasted, start some naked wrestling, she throws you through a window, locks you out and then dots your eye on the way back through the window???” I ask.
“Yeah, pretty much” he says.
“So, let’s get back to the bushes thing, and your clothes getting torn up…and why are the cops looking for you???” I ask him.

Time for another stiff shot, all around this time…on with the story.
Yog’s starts in “Well, as soon as Crystal through me through the window, Czar (his completely insane Siberian Husky pup) jumped out of the window and ran off” he says. (Side note here – this dog was notorious for running 2-3 COUNTIES away before even slowing down).
Yog’s continues, “so I wanted to hurry up and get my clothes on so I could go looking for him, but that’s when Crystal had me locked out, and then punched me in the head”.
“Your woman locked you out of your OWN house, and then punched your stoopid ass right in the melon when you tried to come in, am I hearing this right???” I asked him.
“Yeah” (just had to love the long, detailed, responses from Yog’s)
“So THEN what happened???”
“Well, I went out looking for Czar (the dog)”
“Dude, it’s like 4 o’clock in the morning for cripes sakes!!!” I tell him.
“Yeah…well, it wasn’t then…it was only about 3” he says “and I even saw him at one point dart off into somebody’s bushes, but then it started to rain.” “I tried to call him, but you know Czar, that’s just a cruel joke to him which means ‘catch me if you can’!” he continued.
“So why are the cops after you?” I ask, the picture now coming into much better focus.
“Well, when I was rooting around in the bushes of the neighbor’s place I think they saw me because a light came on”
Yog’s continues, “then some lady opened up her bedroom window and had a flashlight. I didn’t realize the bushes had so many thorns in them. She hollered at me, something about getting out of the bushes so I stood up, and she kinda’ screamed a little.” (I loved the “a little” part, she probably screamed bloody freaking murder!!!!!)

I am now rolling around on the floor laughing at the mental images of what this poor woman must have been through!

“I think she called the cops” he says.
“I can’t EVEN imagine why, Yog’s!!!!” I said, “I mean here you are, some drunken pumpkin-head, rummaging around in her bushes, at 3 o’clock in the morning, in the rain, outside her bedroom window, and then you stand up covered in blood from the thorn bushes with a black eye!! JEEZUS, you must have looked like Jason from Halloween!! LOL!!!” I said. “It’s a wonder she didn’t shoot you on the spot!!”
“Yeah” is his expansive reply. “but I did tell her I was sorry” (like that’s going to do a lot of good!!)

END PT II

Lol! This is great. Please continue.

Ahaha I can imagine him standing there like a wet poodle, can´t wait for the rest

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk


OK. I get it. You and your friends have been or are bad-assed degenerates and we are supposed to be entertained by your supposed antics. (Perhaps you had a nice closing at the end, but I gagged before I got there and had to stop.)

originally posted by: Aliensun
a reply to: Flyingclaydisk


OK. I get it. You and your friends have been or are bad-assed degenerates and we are supposed to be entertained by your supposed antics. (Perhaps you had a nice closing at the end, but I gagged before I got there and had to stop.)

Well, aren't you just a barrel of sunshine!!

Have a great ummm day!

Part III – Epilogue

A couple hours later it was starting to get light out and the cops pulled up to my place. They’d spotted his bike outside…on the lawn…laying down…in a bush.

After a fairly stern knock on the door with the butt of a flashlight, I had Judy go answer the door (just for grins). She happily obliged. Judy had this really sultry voice, and she knew just how to use it too! She opened the door (not just a little either), and in this really sexy voice said “Yeeessss, can I help you?” The dude and his partner were speechless for a second, then one of them said, “Ummmmmmmm, is that your, ummmmm, bike in the yard?”
“Noooo, hee hee, it’s not mine. Do I look like I’d be riding that bike?” she said with a little flit of her hair.

(long pause)

“Ummmmm, do you, uhhhhhh, know who that bike might belong to?” he says. I could tell by now this dude was trying to make this conversation last absolutely as long as possible. So I went and rousted Yog’s out from the guest bedroom (he was pretty well cleaned up now, save for the black eye).

“Yog’s, get your ass out of the rack; the cops are here to see you…and why the hell did you park like that on my lawn???!!!!” I said.
When I got back to the living room, Judy was carrying on a nice conversation with the men in blue. All smiles and giggles from Judy. Thank Gawd for Judy, those green eyes could stop a runaway locomotive on a dime…and get nine cents change!

Yog’s makes it to the door, with some odd looks at me from our new guests.
“Sir, are you David Michael XXXXXXXXX”
“Sir, are you the owner of this bike?” they ask, pointing to his bike in the yard.
“Yes”
“Were you at XXXX Belmot St. last night around 3:30am?”
“Yes”
“Care to explain what you were doing in the bushes at this residence?”
“Looking for my dog” Yog’s says very matter of factly without missing a beat, always the wealth of information.
“Did you find it?”
“Nope…I was hoping you guys did” he says.
The two officers look at each other, and then take a different tact…

“Would you mind explaining why your bike is buried in this bush and there are bike tracks across the lawn???”
“Well, the grass was wet. It was raining.” he says.
“But what about the….”
“And when I put the kickstand down it sank into the mud and I guess it fell over into the bush after I went inside”.

The officers continue, “What exactly does your dog look like?”
“It’s about a 5 month old Siberian Husky pup…he’s kinda wild” says Yog’s.
The two cops look at each other, and one says “that’s the damn dog who coated the whole inside of the sergeant’s car with mud!! I think the cadets are still cleaning that car out!”
“Is this your dog, sir?” showing Yog’s a picture.
“Yep, that’s Czar…where was he?”
(long pause) “Ahem, he was uhhhhh, well, he was ummmm, in the bushes at XXXX Belmot St., the same place who called on the complaint.”
“Damn dog” says Yog’s

Judy shows up behind Yog’s and says “would you guys like to come in and have some coffee? I just made some!”
“No, but thank you, ummmm, Maaam” they say.
“Ummmm, Mr. XXXXXXXXX, you can retrieve your dog from City Animal Control…they open at 10”
“Thanks” says Yog’s.
Both shaking their heads, one officer says, “have a nice, uhhhhh, day I guess”.

We fetched the dog from the pound at exactly 10.

END

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

There's an art to telling even the most mundane story and making it an epic tale.

Oh relax bro...

This is a fun little story, and I find the writing style enjoyable..

Besides...hopefully we have all had a "judy" in our lives. Just because I have been single and celibate by choice for the last fifteen odd years is no indication that my "judy" is too blame....

Great story OP, I was entertained !

~meathead

This was a reply to aliensun, I forgot to hit reply button apparently

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

I'm so eager to know - why did Crystal throw him through the window/lock him out/punch him in the head?

Thanks for giving me a bloody good laugh!

thoroughly entertained.

had a few crazy nights like that in my younger days. made me damn near a hermit now.

Every man should have a Judy come into their lives for awhile. I married mine, although she's not a redhead (she hispanic).

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

I was absolutely riveted! I am still laughing from 'extinguish the curtains'.

I guess the really funny post script to this story is, I peeked over Yog's shoulder when the officer got the picture of the dog out and showed it to him. The picture was taken shortly after the dog had been captured the night before. What I saw is forever etched in my brain (in a good way).

It was a polaroid picture of the side of a squad car, mud on the drivers door where the dog had apparently jumped up for a pat. It didn't look so bad at first, but upon closer inspection, there was Czar, his head sticking out of a partially rolled down window in the back. His tongue was hanging about a foot out of his big block head. At first I thought the windows in the car had been tinted, but NO...the entire back seat of the car, the windows, the seats, the back window, everthing, was completely caked in black mud! It was so hilarious I had to duck away to conceal my laughter, as the officers seemed much less amused about it than I was.

originally posted by: Aliensun
a reply to: Flyingclaydisk


OK. I get it. You and your friends have been or are bad-assed degenerates and we are supposed to be entertained by your supposed antics. (Perhaps you had a nice closing at the end, but I gagged before I got there and had to stop.)

Wow that's just outright mean. Why would you even post that?

I thought the story was good.

a reply to: Naturallywired

Probably because they never lived a life with a Judy in it.

originally posted by: Aliensun
a reply to: Flyingclaydisk


OK. I get it. You and your friends have been or are bad-assed degenerates and we are supposed to be entertained by your supposed antics. (Perhaps you had a nice closing at the end, but I gagged before I got there and had to stop.)

You were supposed to relax and enjoy an entertaining story.

This was a fantastic story, and told very well. Reminded me a bit of high schoool and college. Memorable nights like that are much farther apart and fewer now. Made me a bit nostalgic, as well.

a reply to: paradisepurple

It was just her crazy way of displaying affection I guess!

They weren't even fighting!!! LOL!!

Now that was a brilliant story OP.

thanks for sharing it with us all :-)

I'm still laughing lol.

So what happened with Crystal?

a reply to: schuyler

Well, nothing really. Yog's got his window fixed and life went on. They dated for years after that. Then one year she decided she was going to move out of state (to be near her Mom). I really figured they'd get married and have little Tasmanian Devil children, but it wasn't to be I guess. I don't know if they ever saw each other again.

It was a long time ago.