How I dealt with some door to door Christian solicitors

So it's about 10:58 AM now here in Tampa, FL. Usually on Saturdays around this time I am either sleeping off a hangover or I am still going from the night before.

Today was not so, however. I went to bed fairly early as I didn't go out last night. Instead, last night I watched Leviathan, the four hour long documentary about Clive Barker's Hellraiser series, which seemed ironically appropriate to mention in this story.

So I live in a 1920s historic Art Deco building on one of the islands jutting out from downtown Tampa. There are exactly twelve units and mine is on the second floor. I was outside smoking a ciggy when these two ladies came up and started chatting with me.

Both latino, possibly a mother and daughter, very well spoken English and very polite.

Younger lady: We are out this morning trying to spread the word and faith of our lord Jesus Christ!

I light my cig, inhale, exhale and lean back with a grin on my face.

Me: Your wasting your breath, ladies. I worship Satan!

Their looks were quizzical. As if they thought I was some kind of liar trying to provoke a response from them!

Younger lady: Do you really worship Satan sweetie? Have you heard the message of our lord Jesus Christ?

Me: You know I always found it to be rather humorous, the fact that most Christians don't even know that most Satanists don't even believe in Satan. You see people could do wonders for their own beliefs by learning the beliefs and traditions of others, even if they are fundamentally opposed to each other.

Older lady: Well we agree completely we spend a lot of time learning about others' beliefs.

Younger lady: We are trying to do just that and educate people that may not be familiar with our God and his son our savior Jesus Christ. Of course, obviously you worship something different (she says while grinning, obviously referring to Satan).

Me: Now how could I worship something I don't believe in?

Younger lady: So is it that you don't believe in God?

Me: Define God?

Younger lady: Well we believe that our God....

Me: STOP! (I interrupt) Right there.... You just said Our God. You are immediately disqualified. (lol)

Older lady says to younger: Ah you see because there is only one God...

Me: Tell me, have either of you ladies every read the Book of Enoch?

Older lady: I'm familiar with Enoch.

Me: Yes but have you read the book of his that was pulled from the Bible?

Younger lady: Pulled, you say?

Me: Yup. He had a really fascinating take on the hierarchy of Angels and their involvement with humans on Earth. And it just got yanked right out of the bible! It didn't conform to the narrative the Catholic church was pushing at the time...

Older: I was unfamiliar with the fact that he had his own book in the Bible.

Me: See, you should really know more about the history of your own faith before you decide to go around peddling it to people from door to door on a Saturday morning.

It was around this time that they were realizing that speaking to me was going to yield nothing on their blight quest. So they went to go knock on my neighbor's door. I advised against it, informing them that he was out late last night and that he has a really big dog that would bark if they knocked. So they instead knocked on, you guessed it, my other neighbor's door!

This neighbor does not have a dog, but she's an old disabled woman with a hellish disposition on life. So naturally I wanted to see how this interaction played out. It wasn't very dramatic anyways, she just answered the door and was very straight forward with them about not entertaining solicitors and that half the people in our building have dogs, the time of day, blah blah.

My neighbor closes the door and the younger lady looks to me as she slides down to the next door.

Younder lady: Was that your mother?

That was kind of a low blow now that I think about it... but I was kind with my reply.

Me: No, heh. If my mother were here she would stop and talk to you for hours (not true, while my mother is a Christian and very religious, she too would probably 'pass' on a door to door religioner).

Older lady: And her child just went astray like that? We pray for understand in others as well.

Me: That's great. Then you should understand why you are going to consistently get the same reaction from people that you are trying to sell your God to.

Younger lady: We aren't selling anything! Our literature is free and we...!

I interrupted.

Me: What you are selling doesn't cost money. It costs something much more valuable! (our attention, duh).

About this time they were getting turned away by yet another neighbor in my building (I knew this place had good people when I moved in here!).

Younger lady: Ok Mr. Cold (not my real name) we are leaving, thank you bye!

Me: Don't forget to look up the Book of Enoch!


----------/End


So then I came inside, laughed for about 10 minutes, and typed this story up.

While the encounter itself was brief, I still gave you all the summarized version. The dialogue lasted a couple minutes longer and to be honest these ladies were very polite to me and even though all I wanted to do was challenge them (I mean hey, they approached ME here! On my own stoop!) I did feel a little bad about giving them the Satanic runaround. But let's face it, they were asking for it! I feel no guilt in standing my ground. I am not a Satanist, by the way. I do not adhere to any religious institution or ideology but I do consider myself spiritual.

And I have to admit, those Christian women were a lot better than the Scientologists I used to frequently encounter in Ybor City.

What say you ATS? Perhaps some of you have your own 'door-to-door' bible thumper stories?

Awesome. Me being social awkward would've just took off my shirt and pants and invited them inside for some tea.

a reply to: ColdWisdom

I always am respectful and take their paperwork and thank them. It gives me hope that people will share this, is it a moment of inconvenience yes, but the I admire their faith.

a reply to: seasonal

Well I left out the part where I told them that I respect the beliefs and traditions of others and believe that everyone has the right to believe in whatever they want with conviction.

You actually take their paperwork? But then they might come back!

Open door listen for a moment then release the hounds.
Or just tell em to bugger off.

a reply to: ColdWisdom

wow your so edgy and cool.

i find it preposterous that satanists call themselves that but then say Satan is not real.

why not just call your self what you are then?

But no, instead you use a name from the bible you guys know will get a negative response from most others in some pathetic attempt to gain the attention you never got as a child/adolescent.

its very juvenile and misleading. Just own what you are instead of hiding behind a controversial figure.

then again the Devil is a trickster, why would his religion not indoctrinate his followers with the idea that he his not real and if he is not real then God is not real.

So either you guys are being played like a fiddle, OR your just cowards hiding behind the controversy that is SATAN

a reply to: DocScurlock1774

I'm sorry. You must have replied without reading the entire OP. That must be terrible for you!

I'll help you out here:

I am not a Satanist, by the way. I do not adhere to any religious institution or ideology but I do consider myself spiritual.

edit:

its very juvenile and misleading. Just own what you are instead of hiding behind a controversial figure.

I think I owned what I am very well. I am me.

I was not rude, I did not snap at them or turn them away. I respectfully challenged their faith which seems like a very reasonable thing to do with someone who has approached me on my stoop.

You took the whole Satan thing way out of context.

a reply to: ColdWisdom

looks like you edited that part in, nice try though.

either way satanists are the worst.

and i hope you continue do get so much joy out of the simple things in life its adorable.

a reply to: ColdWisdom

Here's the point about it all. It doesnt matter whether you listen to them or talk to them..or take any literature from them. It doesnt even matter if you slam the door...or dont open it.

They are following what the bible tells them/they/us/him/her...whatever. They are MINISTERING. Whether you listen or not. THEY are getting their points for trying.

They believe in the part that tells them to "Go forth and minister to all the world". Whether you open the door or listen or not? They still succeeded. They ministered.

If they got through to you fine. If they didnt get even 1 person to listen in an 8 hours knock-a-thon? Still. They were MINISTERING. Its still a win win for them.

Me? I tell them to wait while I get my Tupperware or AMWAY literature to give THEM.

A group of Mormons used to come around, I only ever had to tell them once that i wasn't interested, But they could leave some reading material. My upstairs neighbor wanted to hear more form them though, So sometimes i would sit in with them in my neighbors place and listen to their discussions.

As much as I disagree with religion, Mormons are very very nice people. The christian door to door people are awful, and the only way to get rid of them is to declare you worship Satan, watch the blood drain from their faces as they try to leave as quickly as possible, heh.

a reply to: DocScurlock1774

looks like you edited that part in, nice try though.

You mean where I went in and corrected my italics? Nice try, though.

It's become apparently obvious to me that you have taken this post as something personal against yourself. Otherwise why else would your responses be so devoid of any intellect?

a reply to: ColdWisdom

So, if it really is a bother, I would be pleasant and request them to not visit again and give them a $50 check (confuse them). This seems to be what organized religion is about, of course not the people knocking on the doors. The people at the top see the $ from larger flocks.
But above all, I would be respectful and very careful because this is really important to them, or they wouldn't be doing door to door evangelism.

a reply to: seasonal

I was careful.

I even gave them something to research in their free time when they aren't out peddling propaganda in my neighborhood. The Book of Enoch.

a reply to: ColdWisdom
Bravo

a reply to: seasonal

I suppose I could have invited them in to watch the promotional video Educatin' with Satan.

a reply to: ColdWisdom

I even gave them something to research in their free time when they aren't out peddling propaganda in my neighborhood. The Book of Enoch.

Good for you because you ministered to them . No real need for the book of Enoch because much of the same info is in our standard Bibles but is not taught much . Its the supernatural that is important and you being spiritual which is not natural already have a step up on most .

a reply to: ColdWisdom

Double Bravo? What are you looking for?

a reply to: ColdWisdom

You shouldn't mess wth their minds like that. They are already misguided beyond belief.

Good little christian gobots, out 'saving the world' , but really just cultists trying to get more members who will put money in the coffers. All for "christ" sake.

a reply to: ColdWisdom

That video is hilarious, the comment section below it on YouTube even funnier.

Creepy old black n' white footage of school kids to backwards music. Geez, really. Backwards stuff is so old school.

.ti od em edam lived ehT

a reply to: ColdWisdom

The Book of Enoch could not have been pulled from the bible as it was never in the Bible.