posted on Aug, 22 2016 @ 03:05 PM
Or, just a typical day at the office.
Poor Nelson Mandela, going through life thinking that all his efforts towards human rights and fighting apartheid would be his legacy. But now, due to
the impact of scientists ignoring proper protocol in the pursuit of their religion, 'Scientism', they have ripped the fabric of reality and caused
his afterlife to be dominated by his rumored ability to perform stupendous feats of physics-defying logic, such as moving your kidneys around and
changing children's story books. It is no longer something he can bear and asked for help. I happily obliged by cranking up the Tesla free-energy
device we keep under the Federal Reserve and scalar-waved over to his location in the 5th Dimension.
He informed me that normally he would not take great umbrage with this lot in life (or death) but since he was quite CERN-tain that it was Luciferian
propaganda put forth to rob him of his justly earned merits he asked to set the record straight in all effected timelines for the sake of posterity.
Nelson appealed to my humanity (sucker) and being willing to assist him in return for some answers (my demands) seemed a fair exchange. I feel I have
most of what transpired correctly transcribed here but the sole caveat is he was unable to speak, due to a demon controlling his vocal cords who
alternated between high-decibel renditions of What Did the Fox Say?
and doing Adam Sandler monologues, so we instead used the same sign
language communication as the interpreter did on the stage during Mandela's real funeral in 2013.
Nelson made it clear that while an Illuminati-controlled puppet in life as a world leader he was done with that schizzle (his word) and wanted to
'teach them Satan-worshipping bastards a lesson' by 'marching their asses to Pretoria'. Please do not ask me what that meant, the guy made almost
no sense and the constant Adam Sandler baby-voice, demon-spouted dreck that came out of his mouth made it hard to concentrate. So I began my series of
questions and recorded them as best I could:
- Why is this 'effect' named after you?
What the hell else would you call it? The George Bush Effect? He's only brain dead.
- What is your favorite/least favorite part about this?
My favorite part is that we supposedly moved New Zealand around and my least favorite part is that we actually moved New Zealand around. Poor bastards
never saw it coming. But screw it, I didn't like The Hobbit anyway.
- If you could have actually died in the 1980's, would you have done so?
Hell yeah! I would have missed Kanye and the Kardashians, that would have been worth it.
- So, you are hosting a demon inside you, what is that like?
Like being Debbie Wasserman Shultz inside another, more annoying Debbie Wasserman Shultz.
- That sounds awful.
It doesn't sound like s***, I jammed a #2 pencil in both my eardrums.
- How did you get it?
When the wolf laid down with the lamb. They kinda made this hybrid thing and, well, it seemed friendly and all so I pet it and the next thing you know
*BLAM* possession central. Oh, well, live and learn, don't mess with Biblical hybrid critters. Worse than the genetically engineered stuff popping
out of the labs when it comes to messing up your paradigm.
- What do you think of all the people that believe their timelines are shifting?
I would ask them, 'If you were actually shifting around why not go somewhere that has some cool effects like you all get a yellow Lamborghini and
Sofia Vergara to feed you bacon?'. Nope, you get misquoted Star Wars and Bible lines along with a children's book with a different title. Big
- But people feel this is real and the result of scientists tampering with the fabric of the universe at CERN.
That would only be the case if there was a ritual sacrifice in front of the Shiva statue there first.
- Uhhhh.......okay. So, how do we go about correcting this?
Use the goddamn Google results when you search for things, your memory sucks!!!! You think Al Gore gave you the internet to only look at cat memes?
- But what if we disagree with those results?
Then take some friggin' ginkgo biloba.
- Gotcha. So, Billy Graham, dead or alive?
- Jimmy Swaggart?
Sadly still alive.
I miss it.
- No, the name of the HBO program.
Oh, sorry *blushes*, 'and the City'.
'With the Vampire'. But is sucked balls. Another thing that makes me wish I dropped early.
- Favorite peanut butter?
Smucker's. Jif tastes like ass.
- Where is Wales?
West of England. You can tell because the sheep are always running east.
- What does the Queen say?
'Bring me another infant to drain of blood!'
- No, no, no, not the Queen of England, the one in the Disney film.
So I just confirmed to you that she really is a reptilian shape shifter from outer space that eats children and you honestly care more about the
- Fair enough. Final questions. Is the moon recent or always been here?
Always been here.
- Is that were the Nazi/alien base is?
Not in this timeline. *wink*
So there you have it, straight from Nelson Mandela's hands. I may go back and ask him more questions but it was time to go at that point since I did
not want to use up all the free energy on our device. He truly is a good man for being so patient with my questions and kindly asks that you rename
your brain farts on some guy named Joe from Toledo.