Friendships/Relationships and Internet Communications

I've had two long-distance romantic relationships. In both cases, Internet communications wreaked havoc on them. The first time it involved instant messages occasionally going undelivered. That sounds like nothing serious, but it can actually cause huge problems. My ex-girlfriend was really upset several times because she expected an instant message that I sent but was never delivered. I felt the same way occasionally too.

In my other long-distance romantic relationship, my ex-girlfriend tried to break up with me because she felt like I wasn't paying close enough attention during our chat (via instant messaging). It only happened once. I really wasn't paying as much attention as usual because I was dead tired. She didn't know that. She left the conversation, and she immediately sent me an email saying that she was breaking up with me. If I hadn't called her soon after that, our relationship would have been over. Over what? Absolutely nothing. If we had been on the phone rather than using an instant messaging program, she would have known I was tired by the sound of my voice.

I've had online friends try to end the friendship for reasons such as:

I never received their email.

They misunderstood an idiom I used.

They thought I was writing about them online when I wasn't.

I had another person go from enthusiastically contacting me every day to disappearing from my life without an explanation.

I haven't been perfect at this by any means. I'm not placing blame.

It seems to me that others can make friendships/relationships work online fairly smoothly. I'm looking for advice here.

a reply to: Profusion

I don't know anyone who has had a long term online relationship/friendship actually work out. I know a few people who it's worked for that segued into "real life" relationships who are still together.

A computer screen can only hold your attention for so long.

a reply to: Atsbhct

Yea don't do the online thing... You are right

An "online internet relationship" is an oxymoron. They're fake. You don't have "Internet friends." They are gone in a heartbeat. Especially in the case of romance, you need flesh and blood. Otherwise you are fooling yourself.

a reply to: TechniXcality

Except...it must be working for someone? Why do people keep doing it? Easy, uncommitted attention?

I know several people who are in relationships that started from being in an online environment. One of these couples having met online in 2002, met "properly" in 2006 when he traveled to Canada to meet her, and they got married there and moved here to Australia, still together after all these years.

I have met several friends via the online environment, have met them in "reality", and still love them.

Don't think of it as an online friendship, or an online relationship; just turn it into "friendship" or "relationship" minus the online aspect. Thinking of it as purely "online" is what ruins things. These are real people with real feelings. Sure, there might be some #faces out there, but it's the same wherever you look, offline or online.

Now that we're thinking of this as just "life" and not solely online or offline - in life there are all manners of people. There are lovely people out there. There are people out there you just can't get along with. There are people who are fake, liars, scumbags. Just as there are people who are absolutely beautiful.

Now... do you think, that there could possibly be something in your personality that is driving all these people away?

Once, eh, shrug.
Twice, hmmm.
Thrice? Stop and think for a bit, there's got to be something going on here.

Just my two cents.

a reply to: kaelci

Thank you for that detailed reply.

I think I tend to be abrasive and really blunt.

I need to put things in perspective a little. I broke up with both of the women I mentioned specifically in the original post (for very different reasons). They both told me that I broke their heart. That doesn't sound like I had pushed them away. In case anyone thinks it's my ego making me believe they said that...one wrote it in email, and the other wrote it in an instant message. I can actually prove that they both wrote it (I have to state that because people call me egotistical for writing such things sometimes). So, I believe I didn't push them away (ultimately).

In the case of my ex-wife, I have pushed her away a lot over the years. We've known each other for almost 13 years. We've been divorced for almost three years. She's my best friend. Just the other day she was giving me dating advice. I told who I was thinking of possibly asking out. She became enraged. She told me that I would be making a terrible mistake, and that I absolutely shouldn't do it. Does it sound like she still loves me? She's been begging me to move to the city where she lives for a long time because she misses me, and she wants to help me. I haven't pushed her away, ultimately.

None of that is bragging. I'm just stating my case. Now, someone on this forum who knows me personally could give the other side (yes, such a person exists)...

It will never happen.

I don't know the other side. In the first case I mentioned in the original post, we had a nearly flawless relationship. We got along as perfectly as I could imagine. The problems with the instant messages were rare but noteworthy and significant.

In the other relationship I mentioned in the original post, that one was rough and bumpy. I believe serious mistakes were made on both sides.

I think the sample size is too small here. We're only talking about five friendships/relationships (including my ex-wife) that are/were all vastly different. I can't go into too much detail about that. But, they are/were all like totally different worlds.

originally posted by: kaelci
Don't think of it as an online friendship, or an online relationship; just turn it into "friendship" or "relationship" minus the online aspect. Thinking of it as purely "online" is what ruins things. These are real people with real feelings. Sure, there might be some #faces out there, but it's the same wherever you look, offline or online.

Now that we're thinking of this as just "life" and not solely online or offline - in life there are all manners of people. There are lovely people out there. There are people out there you just can't get along with. There are people who are fake, liars, scumbags. Just as there are people who are absolutely beautiful.

I really like your idea about dropping the "online" part of "online friendship." A potential problem could be that you need two people who are willing to do that. If only one is willing, I don't think that's enough. I have tried it to a great extent (in a long-distance relationship that started and ended online). Even though it failed, I'm happy I tried it. It changed my life.

You might enjoy the following thread on that topic.

Do you refer to non-Internet activities as "real life"?

I found that to be a great thread. It revealed a lot about people's outlook on "real life" versus life online.

I'm starting to think that this may come down to personalities. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Some people's strengths may be well suited for making friendships that only exist online work really well.

The first example I gave in the original post was a long-distance (online-based) relationship that worked well for me (we broke up for situational reasons, long story). It was a blissful relationship for over a year and a half. We met in real life, that's really significant. We saw each other every 2-3 months on average. But, she was constantly telling me how much she missed me. She was only willing to have a long-distance relationship because she liked me/loved me so much. It caused her a lot of pain. I think I'm suited to a long-distance relationship because being separated from her didn't usually bother me. But, she was always telling me every few days about how much she missed me and wanted to see me.

The bottom line is, everyone doesn't have the personality for an online-based friendship/relationship IMHO.

I've been thinking about this a lot. I want to update something that I wrote about in another thread (this is relevant to this thread).

originally posted by: Profusion
Among my contacts there are about twenty women I've known (mostly current and former colleagues) who I could contact to try to be friends with. I chose three who I remember liking, and I asked them if they wanted to be friends. Two of them replied in the affirmative (the other one didn't reply which was surprising because she alluded to us becoming friends not too long ago), and we chatted via an instant message program the same night I contacted them. We had wonderful conversations, and they both indicated that they had a good time and wanted to chat with me in the future.

Source

These two women have very distinct personalities. One of them is very cute, the other one is very serious. Since we've had an Internet (or long-distance/technology)-based friendship for about 5 weeks now, I can compare them to the other experiences I've had in such situations.

First of all, both of them were people I knew first in real life. Both of them expressed a lot of interest in being friends with me. In both cases I hadn't seen them in a considerable about amount of time (around 6 to 18 months) before I asked them if they wanted to be friends with me.

My experiences with these two have been as smooth as silk. It's easy when you know each other in real life first. Either no introductions are necessary or very little of that is necessary. There's no concern over honesty concerning many many things.

With the serious one, I only met her a couple of times in real life. But, she stressed that she had seen me before I met her. That seemed to be significant to her.

With the cute one, we had seen each other and dealt with each other many times.

How at ease they were from the beginning of our online chatting was directly proportional to how many times we had met in real life.

The serious one wanted to talk with me on the phone. So, we've chatted on the phone for hours. She seems to be opening up and telling me basically everything about her life. The thing is, we met in person a couple of times. It just seems to make all the difference in the world.

The cute one only wants to chat via private messaging. She just makes small talk, and tries to make me laugh with humorous stuff. I could tell that the last time we chatted, she was totally relaxed.

What's the point? I think my personality doesn't translate to the Internet.

Even in my one long-distance Internet-based relationship, the woman I was with told me that I sounded like a totally different person on the phone than I do online (whether on a forum, using email, or instant messaging). In fact, before we had become romantically involved, I discussed a different woman that I had liked on online. The advice of the woman that I had the long-distance Internet-based relationship was...

"Talk to her on the phone."

Now that I think about it, the closer I get to a person, the more comfortable I become. I'm the most comfortable chatting in person. Then, as I get further from someone, the less comfortable I am...I'm least comfortable on a forum, then I get more comfortable chatting via PMs, email, instant messaging, and phone communications (in that order).

This is why introspection is great. Knowing is half the battle.

Why do you skip out on video messaging and video chatting?
Especially video chatting contains a lot of micro expressions to read and goes above a phone call imo.

I met the late Misses online years ago and was with her for a steady 10 years until life decided differently. From totally different worlds and backgrounds we would simply just not have met any other way.
The thing is (for me) meeting people digitally begins very shallow and most of the time it stays that way, but when it gets deep it goes deep way more fast then I experience in flesh life.

This happens for a couple of reasons. I say digital and flesh because both are real, fake-ass people digital don't become pure genuine in flesh all of a sudden. It happens (for me) because flesh life brings in a lot of distractions. Once a convo is interrupted by something it rarely gets back to the last thing said or asked, digital however if someone asks what you think of that song and it takes a couple of hours or days to respond you still tend to respond to that question. So the information flow between two individuals is different. Both ways have their charm and are good. Both worlds seem to blur when calling or video chatting as that is just as instant without being able to rewind as flesh life. Flesh life does have the ability to speak without words, no need to explain that, which (nearly) impossible to reach digital. But digital has a different advantage. With my current Miss we both concluded that the distance was kind of a safeguard for opening doors that would not easily been opened in flesh life and we both well aware that in flesh life we would not have met, or pursued each other as we did digitally. So in that sense it was exactly the distance that made it close.

originally posted by: Profusion
a reply to: kaelci

Thank you for that detailed reply.

I think I tend to be abrasive and really blunt.

I need to put things in perspective a little. I broke up with both of the women I mentioned specifically in the original post (for very different reasons). They both told me that I broke their heart. That doesn't sound like I had pushed them away. In case anyone thinks it's my ego making me believe they said that...one wrote it in email, and the other wrote it in an instant message. I can actually prove that they both wrote it (I have to state that because people call me egotistical for writing such things sometimes). So, I believe I didn't push them away (ultimately).

Um.. hot tip. Having two women dangling on a string tends to piss them off and would be interpreted as you being a jerk wasting their time. Another thing.. if they are older women and you waste a decade of their child bearing years.. and you don't even respect that then yes that would make you egotistical. Long distance isn't in your comfort zone? What.. you want women to adapt their entire lives around that while they are expected to pass up other opportunities? Sorry but you may be a decent guy but you really come across as though you want validation for your own behaviour rather than advice.

If you like the sitting at a computer getting attention while starving women of emotional connection they need that is self indulgent at their expense. I am really trying to understand it from your side but the more you post about them the more I sympathize with them.

originally posted by: Profusion
These two women have very distinct personalities. One of them is very cute, the other one is very serious. Since we've had an Internet (or long-distance/technology)-based friendship for about 5 weeks now, I can compare them to the other experiences I've had in such situations.

First of all, both of them were people I knew first in real life. Both of them expressed a lot of interest in being friends with me. In both cases I hadn't seen them in a considerable about amount of time (around 6 to 18 months) before I asked them if they wanted to be friends with me.

Disregard my latest post.

5 weeks is not really a life long commitment. Just dump them both and move on imo.

originally posted by: Profusion
In my other long-distance romantic relationship, my ex-girlfriend tried to break up with me because she felt like I wasn't paying close enough attention during our chat (via instant messaging). It only happened once. I really wasn't paying as much attention as usual because I was dead tired. She didn't know that. She left the conversation, and she immediately sent me an email saying that she was breaking up with me. If I hadn't called her soon after that, our relationship would have been over. Over what? Absolutely nothing. If we had been on the phone rather than using an instant messaging program, she would have known I was tired by the sound of my voice.

The most surprising thing about this thread to me is that people read the story above and it didn't even phase them. That was a very traumatic incident for me. I had to make a good argument for why that woman should stay with me, or we would have been history. That was a big part of the reason I was able to dump her suddenly. She tried to do it to me.

It was humorous when she tried to act shocked because I was dumping her out of the blue. There is a lot more to the story than what's written here.

She kept telling me she was gorgeous. The picture she sent me of herself (supposedly) was stunning. I got the feeling she looked at men as being disposable (that is typical for such women in my experience). The story above supports that view. She tried to break up with me because she didn't like a non-personal question I asked her too (as well as another trivial thing).

There is a lesson here:

I think next time I should look for maturity first. Maturity then personality then attractiveness?

a reply to: Profusion

I like this thread it has much educational potential.


Are there only three qualities to choose from in a prospective partner?