posted on Aug, 8 2016 @ 03:28 PM
I know neither you nor your parents and can judge neither. (Nor should I.) I can only share my own experience with (at least one) overbearing and
My father was an angry, controlling, frankly abusive individual. Especially when he drank. He would say and do horrendous things. He filled my and my
mother's life with fear. We were always on egg shells. When he got home, we would immediately tense up. "What's he going to be like tonight?" This is,
of course, a cliche. Everyone knows the dynamics of this all too common scenario. When it got bad enough, we finally had to leave. It was no longer
When we did, I harbored profound resentment towards him for many, many years. Well into adulthood. He too was an, "I'm always right, you're always
wrong" sort. Any time I would attempt to express my own knowledge about any subject, he felt compelled to display superior knowledge... even when he
was factually wrong. He has the perpetual need to dominate, and to control. And if you attempted to show him - however gently or politely - that he
might be in error or that his actions or attitude were perhaps damaging or hurtful, he would ramp up the domineering tone, anger, and desire to
control until you simply had no choice but to submit. Especially since he was an eloquent speaker when he wanted to be, and even when you were in the
right, he could make you feel about an inch tall compared to him.
Decades later however, I have matured significantly and developed a completely different perspective of him. Nothing can excuse how he treated us back
then, but I do understand it now. He was a veteran. He had (has) severe (now largely controlled) PTSD. He self medicated. He had injuries which
his ego never let him show made him vulnerable, but which caused him significant pain at all times. He had suffered profound, traumatic loss before
meeting my mother and long before I had been born. Comrades in arms, as well as a previous wife and child. Their entire home destroyed with them in
That is a pain and a constant source of fear I can scarcely imagine. Then you have to add to that the fact that, whatever his other sins, he served
his country dutifully and was honorably discharged following his wounds and injuries. While I couldn't in my youth, today I must respect him for that.
He is also from a considerably older generation; one which taught him that displaying vulnerability and sensitivity were not only undesirable in a
man, but profoundly wrong and even disordered. He himself was also abused as a child, it turns out.
So in time, while nothing can excuse abuse - ever - I have found it within myself to forgive and understand the true nature of his behavior and
the reasons for it. And to love him - deeply - in spite of the wrongs he did to us. We have a very healthy and much deeper relationship and
appreciation for one another now than we ever did in years past. It is a significant challenge for me to not experience my own PTSD-like
flashbacks triggered when he begins to raise his voice or lose his temperament... but now I can remind myself, he's not that same intimidating adult,
and I'm not the same defenseless child. He's an old, very sick (honestly he may not live much longer) man, carrying a huge amount of (both new and
old) suffering, trying to make it through his days.
I say all of this only to encourage you to do something earlier than I ever could; see your parents as human beings who can and probably do suffer
their own pains, fears, frustrations, and anxieties. Theirs may or may not be less significant than my father's. In which case, I would hope you are
truly thankful that things aren't worse. And I know it can be hard - when you are their child and under their sole discretion - but things could be
much worse. And I know that, behind all your frustration and resentment, they love you. And you love them. While I know you have already acknowledged
this (or something much like it) earlier in this thread, I also know you will grow in that understanding as you age.
I would also suggest considering the possibility that your desire to "prove your worth" with regard to your aviation knowledge may be a manifestation
of feelings of insecurity fostered by being "smacked down" (rhetorically speaking) every time you attempt to prove your knowledge to your father. I
suffered with that for a long, long time, too. The need to feel special, gifted, intelligent etc. in others' eyes. Trust me: while you seem very
intelligent and knowledgeable, you will be much happier if you learn to value yourself without needing others' validation. Loving yourself without
needing to prove yourself to others (though there's nothing wrong with that if you truly want to of course,) also makes it far easier to forgive and
to love others. Including your parents.
This is all just my own unsolicited advice based on my own experiences in life. Your life is different, and your own. Take it for what you will! I
wish you peace and fulfillment in your life!