I should feel bad, but I don't feel bad.

I should feel bad, but I don't feel bad.

There's been a homeless dude roaming my neighborhood for a few months at this point. I sometimes toss a few dollars his way. It's usually just an impulse; not so much that I think it'll make a major difference or change anything. It won't save the world. Sometimes I check my wallet and have absolutely no cash. I've gone whole workweeks eating one can of soup a day because I can't afford lunches.

Quite honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if some homeless people make more per hour than I do sometimes. But that's not the point, no, no, no--just trying to provide some backdrop. I generally try to help when I can, even if it doesn't make a huge difference. I don't cling to every dollar whispering my precioussss.

I am not unsympathetic to the plight of homeless people, and I understand that various conditions of life put them there. I have been close to such a fate on multiple occasions.

So back to this familiar homeless guy. I've given him money: small amounts, larger amounts. Bought him sandwiches, or sometimes hot coffees on cold nights.

I see him a handful of times per week. Then it hit me...

I grew up with this person. This was my best childhood friend !!!

Once we got to high school age we saw each other infrequently because I moved. We ran into each other again a few years after graduation. Our rekindled friendship didn't last long because I was not in league with his behaviors and attitudes. He was getting into drugs, and had anger issues; he threw tantrums. He couldn't hold a job because of his short temper. He'd constantly tell his bosses to 'f**k off.'

He was ultimately childish and irresponsible.

Honestly, I am not surprised his actions and choices caught up with him. He was my friend and I loved him. But I will not feel sorry for him.

I don't know if he recognizes me or not. I barely recognized him since it's been almost 10 years since we actually hung out as friends. He's aged a bit, and of course has a scraggly beard and hair now.

I know 100% in my heart it is him. I should want to do something to help. I don't know what to do, or if I should, or if I want to. I am just ambivalent about it. I don't want to confront him, and I'd be creeped out if he tried to approach me, knowing where I live and all.

There was a time in the past where he "ran away from home." He stayed with me for about a week but I got tired of babysitting him. I would not invite this person into my home again. He is a lazy mooch, plain and simple...also ungrateful and unproductive.

I should feel bad seeing him dirty on the street with rags for clothes, but I don't. I bust my buttocks working nearly 70 hours a week doing a very stressful job. I do this to pay my rent, and my bills, and to afford the lifestyle I want to. It's hard to feel bad for someone I know who expected everyone to give to him his daily bread instead of working for it.

Anyway, I gave him a couple of bucks today while I was filling up my tires. I am blessed to be where I am, and to have some resources to spare.

Why should you feel bad exactly?

a reply to: In4ormant



I made an edit that I hope illustrates the 'feel bad' part.

I should feel bad seeing him dirty on the street with rags for clothes

a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha

Maybe there was more to his home life than you knew about that sent him down that road that he travelled on , I had a friend once who got into hard drugs and nothing i tried to do for him worked , I got him a job rented him a room , bought him clothes etc .

He still ended up back on the hard stuff and it killed him in the end . best thing you can do for this guy is get him a few phone numbers and let himself sort it out as he does not sound the sort to sort of person who is easily helped

a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha

we should always try and help but sometimes we just cant,

i was going to the store the other day with my last two bucks and was going to buy a beer as i always do with my last two(for good luck, right? ha)

anyway i was walking in and a homeless lady came up and asked for change i searched my pockets and my car and gave roughly 74 cents.

after i handed it to her she looked at then immediately said well do you have a dollar or two instead?

i lost my # and told her to # off then.

it reminds me of this song


i saw her a couple days later and apologized for yelling but i wont give her money anymore

Wow that's an interesting story.

It would be interesting to find out for sure, but like you said ..

My horseless friend that was sleeping under the bridge, after e tried like all get out for a place near the library, looses his stuff so bad it sucks. I gave him a real nice blanket from a mansion sombuddy I know that was watching the place took off with and somehow, then it was mine and I gave it to my friend that lost it like only a week later..stupid..I mean people give him such nice things, that he can never seem to keep. Hold of..must bee the alcoholic syndrome of. Not keeping the mind in order... tablet is acting up... thanks for. The thread on giving to people that live outdoors
I'm not sure if it is really about weather they appreciate it or not... things repeat due to respective behavior syndrome with none to little changes in. The mind body action of nature.
Once again, tablet is stupid, sorry.

Well, everyone has their own journey (hallmark card moment.) Knowing you actually do care or you would not be up late writing about it show a depth of character with a large dose of reality. It sounds like you help when you can but realize this guy needs professional help which is available. All you have to do is continue to be this same guy you already are and help when you can. We can't all be Mother Theresa but we can still show our human compassion for one another; maybe one day he will improve his situation and pass on the kindnesses done for him when he was down and not very lovable. Your first job is to take care yourself and your own. You sound like a great guy-don't carry this on your shoulders.

The fact you are sharing this indicates you have inner turmoil. You wouldn't have this if you didn't feel something.

Part of it might be that you knew this guy, and realize that just a few decisions in life can lead down a path like his. It's scary, its frightening. A lot of us are only a few decisions away from being homeless. I really puts our own life choices in perspective.

Everyone has their own choices and you both made yours.
Kudo's for helping when you can, but no one is obligated. People can be your best friend in all the real ways or just be passing ships.

Yeah it's sad your former friend has chosen this way to be, but it really IS a choice.
You owe him the dignity of respecting his path.

btw, since he doesn't recognize you he's really pretty far gone. Hundreds of people between you then, and now that he's manipulated so many he's forgotten. It's almost a novel, eh?

I wouldn't tell him what relationship was there in the past though. People in that situation may try to capitalize on that presumed relationship and take advantage, anything to do what they really should for themselves. It's sad, but he's running from himself and his own poor choices at this point.

The only way he can turn it around is through his own hard work and the help of those who know best how to help people in his situation - professionals.

The OP isn't a professional.

a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha

Was a terrible person for a long time.

Hit rock bottom. Stayed there a while. One day a very loyal friend picked me back up. Not going to say I immediately came good, but went from having nothing to be proud of to being me.

Lot of people tried to help me along the way. They dropped me completely. I feel bad about it but also know it was a cycle. It took a lot of effort and it still takes effort. This one friend been with me since that pick up point. I do anything for them. Help them on jobs, do favors, presents all the time. Haven't had to get anything but advice off them for long time. Want to keep it that way.

Each and every opportunity I had to get back on the horse stayed with me. Feel guilty about each and every one and wish I could pay it back. Those persons won't let me I've learned though, but if I ever get the chance I will.

I try to pay it back by helping any strangers I meet who look like they're going the way I was. People with eccentric personalities and these types of traits I have a lot of time for. Have learned you can't save everyone, but you can be a speed bump reminder at least.

Up to you what you do OP. Trust me though, most people don't choose to be that way. It's an addictive cycle that takes a long time to break or goes unbroken. Still, you don't owe people exactly and they will be a burden. I'm pretty happy to carry whatever I pick up even if it is cos of self imposed community service.

Note: person that helped me wasn't a 'professional.' They were a role model / inspiration / loyal friend. Professionals are a great way for people to avoid opportunities to help other people. Personal responsibility is responsibility to no one aka nothing when you demand everyone has it. No one has had 100% personal responsibility their whole lives.

Before that conversation starts, no this isn't a call to having no responsibility at all... it's saying that responsibility is a bit like kharma.

a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha

This is a synchronicity occurrence.

You should not feel bad, but maybe he was put in your life to show you how lucky YOU are to have your life? Maybe you needed that?

People and things are put into your life for a reason, it is not coincidence. The universe it trying to tell you something. You have been kind, he has proven his unworthiness more than once. You could learn something, not from him, but just this experience.

his chance to be helped may have passed.

the drugs that drove him to have temper tantrums...drug treatment may still help. That is the only path to salvation for this man.

and you do care. you care enough to share it with us, because its eating away in the back of your mind. you likely know what you should do...but lord knows if you have the time, stomache, heart, or desire.

a reply to: Pinke

Yes, but in the end, the person who had to decide to change was you. No one else could change you.

The OP can't do it all himself (assuming it's a him). There is a fine line between enabling and actually helping and those professionals are the ones who help make sure a dedicated friend or family member doesn't step too far over one way or the other.

No good will come of it if his old friend doesn't actually wants to change and ends up playing the same old manipulative games and drags himself deeper and pulls the OP in too.

I keep coming back to this thread to read the comments, so S&F.

I don't have an answer. I think it's possible that your mind subconsciously picked up that you knew this person... cause isn't it an odd coincidence? But after recognizing them I would be scared that they might recognize me too. And I'd probably avoid them.

I don't think you're a bad person for not feeling bad. I don't think you should feel bad. I have had to emotionally cut myself off from people who are basically FUBAR. Unreachable. Unsaveable. Toxic to be around. But I know if they had repented and I was convinced of their repentance, then I'd help them when I could, in the safe ways that I could. So that's how I keep my integrity intact. But basically I just detach in general after a certain amount of time.

I guess I'm sad that people are toxic in general in a largely impersonal way, like they make up the cysts and pimples on the face of society, just begging to get popped. And I believe in prevention stuff most of all, like "child proofing" our environment so that the pimples don't develop in the first place. By introducing soap and a routine washing of the face or something. Like, proactive. You get it.

I enjoy your threads OP.

a reply to: ketsuko
No one is saying anyone should do everything all themselves. Part of personal responsibility should be learning to help people, and learning when to stop and take care of yourself. Also how to keep boundaries.

'Professionals' don't do crap for these people in my country. They're more jaded than Christopher Hitchens after painting the person green. There are exceptions, but there aren't that many.

Personally I think America in particular has out sourced charity to these 'professionals.' It's learned helplessness.

a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha

I'm going to say - you shouldn't feel bad in the least. I grew up seeing one of my best friends turn into a complete alcoholic, and another spent a good portion of the years I knew him getting strung out, violent, even had been homeless for a brief period of time. They chose their path, and you chose yours.

I'm conflicted as to what I'd do in a situation like that - I stayed by my drugged-up friend even when he was close to rock bottom, and I think it helped a bit, because he quit cold turkey on most of his stuff with a little support.

I'd be worried about him capitalizing on knowing you, but maybe you could try to find out if that's actually him? Call him on a first-name basis? If it is the guy you think it is, then it might be all he needs to get him back on his feet. I'd actually try to stop and chat, but not indicate that I have stuff he doesn't have. Might be a dufus with people sometimes, but I do have a heart.

-fossilera

a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha

I am seeing a lot of posts in this thread that call for behavioral change that is up to him. I think that's the last thing on his mind. He's in a situation where he is relying on handouts to eat. It is an issue of life or death right now. What can really be done for this person at this point? He's been out here at least a couple of months.

How does one bounce back from complete destitution and homelessness?

I could research some local shelters and programs that work towards this goal. But again, this is not someone I want to reacquaint with. He already knows where I live--and that bothers me enough as it is. We meet eyes when I leave/ come home from work sometimes.

Anyway he doesn't seem to recognize me so far. If he does, he's holding his cards very close. I can't imagine the lifespan of someone in his position is a very long one. UGH

As I've been saying, I don't feel bad, or guilty--I don't feel obligated to be 'my brother's keeper' here. But maybe I should.

This is just a vexing situation I wish I wasn't presented.

originally posted by: fossilera
a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha

but maybe you could try to find out if that's actually him?

ATS, you're just going to have to believe me that it is him. There's no mistaking it. It's like looking into the face of your brother you've known everyday of your childhood.