So....i found out my sons father who is 28 (I am 25) Hooked up with a 16 year old....... 16 is the age of consent in Ohio, so..... idk.
I feel empty. I feel worthless. I feel like trash. I feel disgusting. I feel sad. I feel used. I feel mistreated. I feel angry. I feel not good
enough. I feel unwanted. I feel last rate. I feel like a goodwill store item. Part of me knows we'll stay together anyways, and he'll never change.
I'm mentally sick, and I'm scared of leaving what I know, plus I idiotically allowed reproduction to occur with him. We've been together since I
was 16, and when we did split up last year, my new relationship basically ended in tragedy also. I'm a magnet for liars, and donothings, and
gonowheres. I haven't figured out why yet. Maybe because I'm stupid and I let everyone use me as long as they hint at the fact that they might
genuinely love me.
So here's two things I wrote to try to cope with the tension that is building up inside my chest. Though perhaps my next thing will be called "a
metal bat and a teeth necklace"
"The Real Langolier" Aleezium
I'm just sitting here, waiting for my heart to stop, waiting for 3 o clock, whichever comes first.
I'm just sitting here, drowning in my sorrow, dreaming of tomorrow,
this pain is the worst!
But to all who walk these halls, you are not alone my friends!
But to all who crawl these walls, you need only to transcend, this ain't the end! I swear!
Even though I'm sitting here, waiting for my heart to stop, waiting for 3 o clock, whichever comes first,
I know that sitting here, drowning in my sorrow, dreaming of tomorrow, can only be the worst!
So I change the tune a bit, and yes I will slowly admit,
That my days have gotta turn around somehow! They just need a kick!
So identify the garbage, and I'll take out your trash if you take mine!
It's comforting to find, that I am not alone or helpless inside my #ed up mind.......It's time........
As I'm sitting here, I think I feel a tear, and I begin my breathing exercise
As I'm sitting here, breathing slowly, a grin appears, and I realize my heart's a Langolier.
"The Decay" Aleezium
My whole being says leave before we get there again, it's not like you'd care anyway,
# all the worthless empty words you'd say, its all so familiar whichever way
I can't believe things have gone this way, I never thought I'd see the day, that I stopped running back to this sick display...
We came together to make things straight, but the new foundation was truths that were betrayed,
Oh you'll never know how hard it is to convey, its like a swelling takes over my airways, though you've never understood so why would you today?
When I think how you've trashed this second chance for child's play.....
Because honestly, after all I've sacrificed and gone through for you to have your say, bending over backwards for you in elaborate ways,
The anger dances through my head like a ballet, the thoughts in my mind explode like its doomsday,
At first I thought it was just hearsay, but then I saw the messages in the driveway,
And hell no I won't downplay my dismay, I'm crying foul-play, so now I flyaway...
One day your selfishness will be outweighed, to another my heart will finally give-way, and i'll finally know what it is to have a good day.
Until then your transgressions are stuck in my brain on replay,
but for now I'll just pack my things and getaway, and listen to the sounds of my heart and soul decay.