I recently tried to quit smoking, after 28 years of imagining I enjoy it.
I went to **** Institute (not sure if I'm allowed to say the name here) together with my life partner a month ago. They have an 80% success rate and
I personally know people who quit with them.
My partner quit on the spot, if I wouldn't know him I would never guessed he ever smoked. I relapsed after a day. Of course I am jealous of him, but
I'm also happy for him. Not to mention I get to smoke outside now, a first in my life, so he won't be tempted to relapse.
Few days ago I went for a second treatment ( they give you one year to come back as much as need it until you quit). This time I lasted 8 hours.
I decided I'll stop wasting their time for now; I might belong among the unlucky 20%.
But to my surprise trying to quit I discovered a lot of things hidden behind this habit, and this seems to be the big failure for me.
First of all I realized I use smoking to avoid things I don't really want to do or to procrastinate. The time spent smoking "just another one" is
the time when I unconsciously brace myself to do things I don't feel like doing. And also, without the shield that smoking offers I discovered that I
don't like doing most of the things I currently do; I don't really like my life as it is now, and that was a big surprise.
Secondly, and the hardest part in quitting is the anger that comes with it. I mean, is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, I became this angry creature who
just hates everybody and everything, is so strong that is scary. A few times I had to close myself in the bedroom for a few minutes and calm down a
bit because I couldn't stand my family members talking among them, I felt like I want to throw everybody out and never hear them again.
I have no idea where this powerful anger comes from and how to deal with it, and it really makes me wonder what a horrible person I must be and I
never knew it. I literally feel like I'm going mad. My partner didn't get angry not once.
Someone told me that nicotine is calming you down, so I should understand that this angry person is the real me? I'm not sure right now I want to
And by the way I was on the verge of tears few times there is also the suspicion that somewhere deep down the smoking habit is hiding a strong
depression too, but I guess I didn't quit long enough to see it clearly.
So WTH is going on? I feel like I lifted a veil and saw a lot of ugly things behind it, and I have no idea smoking can mask all that. I almost can't
believe that this is me I'm talking about.
I am not addicted to anything else, and never was. Don't do drugs, don't drink alcohol or other things like that. And about smoking I never really
wanted to quit until now, because somehow I liked it; honestly my morning coffee with a cigarette is the best moment of my day. So I'm not an
addictive personality, or so I thought.
But I start to wonder if maybe is just better to try to deal with the underlying issues before trying to quit again, because this anger I saw in me
hit me really hard, and don't want to say or do something I'll regret afterwards.
Or maybe is better try to quit gradually, reducing the amount of cigarettes all the time.I'm not sure I can control the monster very well to quit
I don't really know how to deal with this, and even if is tempting to forget about quitting all together and save myself all this trouble, I cannot
ignore the fact that maybe I have problems I never knew about and should take care of them.