posted on Jan, 16 2005 @ 07:11 PM
Everyday he comes to bother me, you'd think he'd have something better to do. He seems to get great enjoyment out of telling me how pathetic and
worthless I am, yet everyday he comes for my company, what does that make him?
I suppose he's got a point, the highlight of my day is sitting on this couch I'm on now, watching quiz shows on the crummy TV set that's situated
in the corner of the room. Unfortunately he insists on the TV being off when he pays me a visit, and wont stop bitching and moaning until it's off
so I do it just to shut him up. I don't think it's what's on the TV that bothers him so much, but the fact that I have a possible escape route
whilst he hits me with his constant waves of put downs. There's no way he'd want me distracted whilst he tells me I might as well not exist. So
why does he come?
It's the exact same story everyday of course, and he doesn't miss out one single detail. I always beg he'll take it easy and just focus on a few
specific details but oh no, he starts right at the beginning of my life and goes step by step about where I screwed up right until this point.
"Look at you now!" he says. "You're useless, absolutely useless! You could be anywhere now and you blew it all, you're pathetic!"
For a moment I lose all sense of the fact that he's telling the truth and ask how this is true.
"How's it true?!!" he spurts out with mocking laughter underneath.
"You don't even have a job anymore, you've got nothing except these four walls and it's all your own damn fault! Why didn't you ever go for the
promotion that you deserved?"
"Because you told me I'd fail, you said I'd never get it and even if I did I'd be demoted within weeks as I couldn't lead lemmings off a cliff"
I snap back.
"Oh, so it's my fault now is it?"
"I didn't say that" I say with a sigh, not wanting to encourage him more.
"That's right my friend, blame everyone else but yourself. You put yourself in this position"
He says this like it's fact but I know it's my own fault, I've never had any confidence and have never persued any of dreams, I know my faults yet
he has to remind me of them everyday.
"...and what about those demo tapes you did?"
"What about them?" I retort knowing full well what's coming.
"Why didn't you ever send them to any record companies? In fact why didn't let anyone except me ever hear them?" he taps his foot waiting for an
"Because you said I sucked! You said you've heard cats being strangled sound more melodic."
He burts into laughter at being reminded of this, obviously finding himself very amusing.
"That's just one mans opinion man, you going to blame me for that as well?"
"I never said I blamed you...I just...I just knew you were right" I say with almost a whisper.
"Of course, I'm always right but you're still a coward for not trying" he smugly replies.
"I guess you're right" I sigh. Dear lord how much longer does this have to go on for? With him here hours feel like days, yet I can't tell him
to go away. Then almost before he even begins to speak I know what the next topic of conversation is going to be.
"You're biggest mistake was letting Penny go, that girl really held you together man."
"She let me go, you know this"
he almost immediately steps over my last words anticipating my reply "Yeah, but it's your fault she did, and why was it again?"
"You said she was cheating on me, so I kept confronting her about it and she denied it. I took your word for it so I kept confronting her about
"Yeah, well that's just the feeling I got" he shrugs.
"Well I thought you were going on more than that, so because of your 'feeling' she eventually got tired of me."
"Blaming me again I see. She ended things just for that?" he says curiously, but he knows the full reasons as we've been here before.
"That and she couldn't take my insecurities. Like the time you told me she'd told you I was a terrible lover, it made me very paranoid...so much
so I didn't even want to sleep with her anymore."
again he starts laughing uncontrollably "That was just a joke! Come on, I knew it was likely true as well, I just wanted to help."
"Yeah well I did believe you, and it wasn't very funny. In fact it kept me up nights. Eventually she just got tired of my insecurities and
paranoia and walked away."
"She had a lucky escape if you ask me" he removes a brick from my wall "You've got zero personality anyway" he removes another
"You're an ugly mug. Look at you you're disgusting, you're so pale man. Jesus! You're as white as these four walls! You're eyebrows join and
your nose is bigger than my schlong, and that's some accomplishment." The wall crashes down.
"Don't you have anywhere else to be?" I snap
"Ooooooh, look who's getting sulky? I'm going soon, my time's nearly up. You can get back to your crappy TV programs"
"Thank you" I sigh
"I swear sometimes you sound ungrateful. I come here everyday and without me you'd have no one. I don't know why I bother" he says sounding
"Look, I know you're always there for me and you know I appreciate it. It's just you've got to stop putting me down, I can't take it anymore
"Hey that's just the way I am and I'm never going to change. You can either take me the way I am or don't"
"Can't you just..."
"decide..." he interrupts
"DECIDE!!!" he says loudly, edging closer to the end of his seat and arching forward to his face is close to mine.
"Of course I want you to keep coming, you're all I've got. I never want you to go"
"Good, just you remember that" he replies whislt resting back into his chair.
Just as we'd settled this she enters, looking chirpy as ever with her cart and jangling keys. Damn I can't stand her, standing there in her
white suite and stupid white hat talking to me as patronising as ever. She talks to me like I'm a baby, all high pitched and motherly as she always
does, then she hands over my pills. She makes sure I take them then she leaves again, keys jangling off her waist as she shuts the door behind her.
Of course not long after I've took them he's no longer around, I've never been able to figure out how he disappears not long after I take my pills.
Everytime I ask him about it the next day he just says "trade secrets".
His words haunt me long after he's gone though, that's why I need the distraction of the TV although it doesn't always help. One thing in
particular keeps buzzing through my mind that he repeatedly says... "You screwed up your life!"
You're right I did, I screwed it up because of you.
[edit on 16-1-2005 by Steve Zissou]