Am I wrong about this?

My husband and I got into a pretty heated argument last night. Which for us didn't involve yelling but it was like a heated debate. He is still moderately angry this morning over this.

Here was our discussion in a nutshell.

He has a female friend. She is his best friend. They want to get together. I have no problem with this fact. They have gone out to lunch a few times and a dinner or two. He wants to go see her on Sunday (I had planned a surprise breakfast and dinner for him for Father's day but otherwise he is free to do what he wants for father's day) . The thing is he wants to go to her house and hang out with her alone.

I told him it makes me uncomfortable and explained why. This was the exact excuse my ex used to go cheat on me. I told him I didn't like it and I would not go to a male friends home and be alone with them.

This morning it has changed in his head to mean I am saying he can't be around ANY women. Not what I said at all. I have never complained (well maybe a little but that was more over he is going out to lunch at my favorite fast food joint and I rarely ever go) about him going out with her.

So ATS.. Is it wrong for me to not want him to be alone in a private residence with a member of the opposite sex because it makes me uncomfortable or am I the one in the wrong?

I do trust him completely. I just want him to respect that it makes me uncomfortable and come to a compromise that makes us both happy.

Thanks all in advance!

a reply to: YachiruKusajishi

Is there some reason you can't go together as a couple? Or have her over to your house for a bit?

I can't really imagine my husband putting himself in a situation like this, he just wouldn't do it. We most likely would visit her together as a couple. It would make him uncomfortable to go alone just because he would know it would make me uncomfortable if he did.

a reply to: YachiruKusajishi

You should go out together and spend time getting to know her and seeing how they are together... if there are strong feelings between them, they wont be able to hide it.

a reply to: eeyipes

Well both of us going means hauling 3 kids one of whom is a toddler into a very bad neighborhood that his friend lives in.

I don't mind at all the idea of them going out to lunch or even drinks. She is a nice girl.

I can't explain it to him in a logical way. I can't apply logic to something that even I realize has some completely illogical responses on my part. I believe he would never cheat on me and that it is completely unfair to compare him to my ex. They are two different people. It's just the fear of this happening is so deep in me that I can't handle the idea. I wish I could explain it in a way that doesn't make me seem crazy. Heck I am not sure if I can explain it here without sounding crazy.

You are not wrong. Nothing good can come from this relationship with another woman. It's not healthy for your relationship, and if he is this emotionally involved to get into a debate that makes him angry, there is serious potential for an affair here. It's just a matter of time. You KNOW he will be complaining about you to this other woman. She'll sympathize, and away they go. This is CLASSIC behavior.

It's nice to think it could all be platonic, but that is completely unrealistic. Why does he not want to hang out with you? It makes no sense. I wouldn't trust him a bit. I hope you don't have kids together because this is not going to end well.

a reply to: YachiruKusajishi

They are your feelings and what you want/expect in a relationship so, IMO, how can they be wrong?

If it isn't what he wants/expects in s relationship well then perhaps you are not well suited?

Why do you think that they want to be alone on Father's Day and you are not invited?

What will they be doing while 'hanging out'?

Edit: Just read above about the bad neighborhood and small children.

Is there a reason she can't come there? To your house?

If an 'open' type relationship is not something you are comfortable with then maybe you should address this issue before the children are much older.

Just my two cents.

Good luck!

a reply to: YachiruKusajishi

Just my two cents, but I think he should spend Father's Day with his children, not a friend of either gender.

a reply to: schuyler

I have seen them together before. They don't even touch one another just talk. Like I said earlier to an extent I realize there is some illogical emotional response from me. It is just a deep seated fear of mine from my past. Don't get me wrong he is not yelling and screaming angry. He hardly ever yells it is just more of the things he says that clue me in that he is angry.

a reply to: YachiruKusajishi

You are not crazy , we all know what we got, somewhere deep inside. If you think there's room for cheating in his heart than he probably is or will, we all know what we got even if we deny it.

a reply to: TNMockingbird

She pretty much dropped off the radar at the end of last year. They are catching up. He did tell her when they spike he would have to run it by me. I don't think he expected me to have such an emotional (I cried) response.

I don't think it really matters all that much what you say or do at this point. If he wants to go he will find a way.

Like Schuyler said this is classic behavior and I've never seen it not go south.

There's no way he's not aware of the situation he's putting you in yet he's still sticking to his guns which implies he doesn't care about your situation - just his own.

I also think if you trusted him completely you wouldn't have made this thread.

a reply to: Pillywiggin

This thought hit me as well. I try not to complain a lot though. He would have been totally okay with it had I wanted to go out child free for a bit on mothers day so I try an give him the same respect.

originally posted by: YachiruKusajishi
a reply to: schuyler

I have seen them together before. They don't even touch one another just talk. Like I said earlier to an extent I realize there is some illogical emotional response from me.

Why do you say that it is illogical and emotional. Emotional, yes. Illogical, maybe not. What's your 'gut' tell you?

Don't get me wrong he is not yelling and screaming angry. He hardly ever yells it is just more of the things he says that clue me in that he is angry.

What is he angry for? His freedom?

He 'hardly' ever yells? What does that mean? What kinds of things does he say?

There are people in this world who can cut you deeply and wound you to the core of your soul and never lay a physical hand on you. I'm not saying he's mean to you (?), I'm merely saying if you are being treated in a way that you don't want to be then do something about it.

Not necessarily leaving just get some help.

Anger and resentment can fester in a relationship and things can escalate quickly.

Good luck!

a reply to: YachiruKusajishi

You are 100% correct!!!

a reply to: Bennyzilla

I do trust him completely. I just wanted to see if I was being unreasonable in which case I needed to apologize for it. Otherwise I wanted help formulating a logical way to explain this. I will admit when it comes to certain things I am a super emotional person and yes even mildly paranoid over some things.

Please understand that 99% of the time he is absolutely the greatest. He is my best friend. I knew getting involved with him years ago she was his best friend and I told him as long as she wasn't all over him and understood that our children and myself were top priority I had no issue with it.

Look, hashing this out on ATS is probably not the best way to handle this, but given your responses thus far, I think you are in denial. You are defending your husband (and yourself) from the answers you are getting here.

You asked the question. We are giving you answers, and for the most part, you are refuting them. The consensus appears to be that your relationship is in trouble. None of us can force you to see that, so you either take the advice you asked for, or don't. But please do not argue with the answers. You're the one with the problem.

Good luck.

a reply to: YachiruKusajishi

Fair enough - no-one knows your situation better than you.

I hope everything works out well.

a reply to: TNMockingbird

Hardly ever yells. The only time he has yelled has been at our kids when they were putting themselves in danger. I.E. running at the road without looking, almost touching the hot stove.

This is the first time he has said anything like this to me before. He never intentionally does or says something to hurt me.

I believe some of his over this is due to growing up in a dysfunctional family. He has never had a family like he has now with me. He never saw compromise in action as a child.

I am getting my thoughts in order so I can try and address this issue in a logical way when he gets home from work tonight.

a reply to: YachiruKusajishi

Well, I suppose you already know the answer then.

I don't think you are being unreasonable because that is YOUR desire.

It isn't HIS so, he's not being unreasonable either.

Does that make sense?

You two will just have to come to an agreement that you can both live with.

I do agree with the person above who said (to the effect) that he will find a way. I believe this and if it is very important to him he may feel he has to be dishonest. Then you will have dishonesty between you.

Good luck!

Some things are just inappropriate. This is one.
We have a couple across the street from us who we are close friends with. I will often go over and talk with the husband on their front porch. If his wife is not home I don't go in the house. It's not that either of us is untrustworthy. It's just the right thing.
Remember when Harry told Sally that men and women can't be friends because the sex gets in the way? Rules to be happy by.
Men can have women friends but only with their wives present. Women can have men friends also. And in the company of their husbands.
Why can't his friend come to your house?