The Rules of Etiquette for Private Messaging at ATS

Outside of obvious things such as not sharing personal information and being polite, there is only one rule that I know of:

Don't bother people unless it's clear they want you to bother them.

I have evidence for my theory beyond my own hypothesizing. Today I realized that someone I was chatting with had sent me a message as a reply to a message I sent them 10 days ago. I just saw the message today, I was shocked. This other person claims to have a tremendous amount of experience with private messaging at ATS. Consider what they did. It's been 10 days since they sent me the message. I'm quite certain that they never would have sent me another message if I didn't reply to the last message they sent. But, I was following the same rule I stated above and I would have never sent them another message because I thought they had ignored the last message I sent them.

The online friendship-type thing would have been over because of a misunderstanding and because of ATS' private messaging rule. I missed their message 10 days ago (and ever since until I saw it today) just because it showed up as green in my inbox. Naturally, if we both followed the rule stated above, our friendship-type thing would have died for no reason at all.

a reply to: Profusion

The message system here can sometimes throw you a curved one. Unread messages coming up as read messages are an infrequent, but none the less occasional annoyance. In many respects the message system can be similar to the threads themselves, in that sometimes it takes a little while for a message to be read and replied to.

As turns of the wheel galactic go, the interval between communications can be very small, while not being in the least immediate.

Thank you very much, TrueBrit. You didn't really touch on the topic of the thread though.

When it comes to private messaging etiquette at ATS, I feel like I'm in an alien environment. I feel uncomfortable as if I've walked aboard an alien spacecraft where there are different rules and expected behavior than anything I've known and I just want to get back to Earth. I suppose I look to others for warmth and this place seems to be freezing cold (from my point of view).

I'm glad that the majority here have no problem with it and it works for them. However, I feel completely out of place.

I love this forum, I'm just discussing the private messaging aspect here.

a reply to: Profusion

Profusion..

If you are seeking warmth, there are many places on the boards to find it. One of the best places to find some genuine warmth and a friendly atmosphere is The Shed. It's a thread. Look it up, get stuck in. Many of the members who frequent the place are avid users of the U2U system as well.

All I can say about the messaging system is that it is not like using whatsapp. Immediate response, and the ettiquette invovled with a more dedicated system, do not apply to it in the least.

a reply to: Profusion

Lucky for you I am having trouble sleeping again.
Friendships aren't usually encouraged but quite a few do manage to
have relationships outside of this site.There are even a few ATS babies
around somewhere.
I am very careful who I develop friendships here.Only a few know my
name and even fewer know my email address.

a reply to: Profusion

I honestly havent practiced any etiquette here other than normal.

But I don't curse or argue nor expect any response.

If it comes back, fine. I've just kept it at the minimum: keep it civil....as if you didn't....ATS can and do something about it.

Guess I just follow civility everywhere I p.m.

Forgive me if I am not interpreting your post as you intend. I think you are saying that you sent a PM and they responded 10 days ago, but you had not realized it and this resulted in an odd glitch in the nuances of interpersonal communications?

If so, I know of two possibilities:

1) There is a problem with the system. I know of a few people who have not been receiving PSs on occasion, plus it is easy to maybe mistype a member's Avatar name.

2) The person who sent the message to you went to their "Sent" mail and clicked on the message they sent to re-read it, not realizing that in doing so, it will now change color and inadvertently appear as opened mail in the recipient's Inbox.

A third thing I've learned, in this red-light, green-light ATS adventure, is that if you send a message and then change your mind and delete it, you've only deleted it from your own list of Sent Mail, but it was sent nonetheless.

Hope that helps.

Fishy

I would say, in the case of this friendship especially or any other friendships you feel you may have here, go ahead and send the message, I know I would. If i'm truly bothering the person, and it's that unwanted, then they can politely tell me, or they can complain and a mod can correct the issue. In that case you know your "friendship" wasn't all it was cracked up to be! That's just how I'd handle it, but I'm getting a sense you'd like something in writing so you don't feel so, nervous about sending in the first place?

-Alee

I never considered messaging as playing tennis or ping-pong.

If you have something to say say it if you don't don't

just don't become a waterfall flooding the system and don't be like a churchbell ringing every hour

a reply to: Profusion

I don't really follow any PM etiquette. I write when I have something to say and I don't expect anything in return. If I get something, it's a nice surprise. If I don't, I don't worry about it. I don't like action out of obligation. There is no set time to reply.

I've had some of my best discussions here through PM, but I don't know of any rules or etiquette.

As far as your rule... How do you know that it's CLEAR that they want you to 'bother' them? I never consider a PM to be a bother. unless it's someone trying to get into a fight or something. And if it is, I ignore it.

I just received a PM in response to something I sent a couple months ago. I would never consider ending the friendship of that person over what I could see as a "delay".

I'm not sure I'm understanding your issue, but that's my thoughts on the whole etiquette thing.

I will always treasure a physical threat sent to me via PM. it was clever and original.

This is the threat....

I'm going to shove your keyboard so far up your *** you will **** semicolons. Priceless!!!

originally posted by: Profusion
Outside of obvious things such as not sharing personal information and being polite, there is only one rule that I know of:

Don't bother people unless it's clear they want you to bother them.

I have evidence for my theory beyond my own hypothesizing. Today I realized that someone I was chatting with had sent me a message as a reply to a message I sent them 10 days ago. I just saw the message today, I was shocked. This other person claims to have a tremendous amount of experience with private messaging at ATS. Consider what they did. It's been 10 days since they sent me the message. I'm quite certain that they never would have sent me another message if I didn't reply to the last message they sent. But, I was following the same rule I stated above and I would have never sent them another message because I thought they had ignored the last message I sent them.

The online friendship-type thing would have been over because of a misunderstanding and because of ATS' private messaging rule. I missed their message 10 days ago (and ever since until I saw it today) just because it showed up as green in my inbox. Naturally, if we both followed the rule stated above, our friendship-type thing would have died for no reason at all.

I think a better rule of thumb would be..Don't expect everyone to have the same messaging etiquette. It's no different than some who text back right away, or wait 3 days before replying. Even more so here, because people can go a week without logging in, or read the message with intent to reply later, and get lost in the boards and forget all about it. I suppose if you are using the u2u system alone as a guide to gauge a friendship, you need to increase your criteria, because as Clownfish stated...they get lost in the interwebs in both directions, and none are the wiser.

When I joined it was so long before I ever got a message that I didnt even really think about PM, then I started getting some messages and friend requests, and realized how cliquish ATS could be... but maybe that was a trust thing or factions I dunno, seemed like some internal behind the scenes drama going on unseen. Then the swa over where the messaging system was down for what seemed like a long time... and I get friend add requests now but have absolutely no idea how that system works or is even located... so kinda got used to never having messages for a few years, so I forget to check it but it doesnt bother me getting PM'd... just might take awhile because I forget about it, but since its happened more often Im getting used to checking it or thinking about it... nothing personal other than a thanks for a post or an ATS notification PM of various sorts.

I can understand wanting to be private or annoymous online, especially if someone is female... as theres revenge porn, death threats, unsolicited genitalia pictures and all sorts of things rarely making news or headlines... the odd thing I suppose is my whole life is transparent and online in some way shae or form by choice, and im sure theres some stuff on there not by choice, but that doesnt really matter either... the internet is a huge vast place, where attention is in deficiet unless eople are somehow fixated on you for some reason or another... I had some peole confessing they were fans or whatever and I didnt like the idea of that it made me feel odd, so I spent a lot of time trying to make friends and not fans, have normal conversations with people and take an interest in their lives as any person would do with friends... encourage offer suport and advice, and just be real with people... as internet honesty used to be in very extreme short supply and likely still is... because many use it as escapism a lace where they can be anybody.

I saw a show where it was once about peole meeting someone online and the show checked them out for this person to see if they were forreal and if they werent then the person that was played for a fool the person never expected to meet or did was confronted and not at all who they portrayed themselves as.

I dont know if such a thing has gotten better or worse... tbh, but many people are targeted or stalked online... Ive had a couple of stalkers weird thing is, is when its an obession with an ideal image they have of you and not who you are by that tiny fragmented window... I suppose it isnt much different than when everytime someone saw Gary Coleman theyd be Whatchoo Talkn bout Willis or as him to say it... like they couldnt tell the difference between the person or the character.

I first thought maybe I should be some online personality, or at least blame part of who I was on an online personality, then I determined being fake wasnt the way to go... even though many use online for that escapism to be anybody they want to be other than themselves, so I decided to fess u the fake parts to the audience I had and just lay everything completely out... so people wouldnt mistake who I was for what they imagined me to be. So there would be a real image and not just a screen name or picture but someone everyone could get to know without deceit.

Its actually been a very freeing experience, except when of course random people started showing u in my life at local places knowing full on who I was but had no idea who in the world they were or are... some good interactions some bad but none really violent just space invaders and I guess I asked for it in some sort of ignorance but, hey its been an experience... such as having a computer or phone bricked from hacking so much it was like ok this is so lame, even knowing internet security it would still haen if not making things worse as peole would have to break my entire system trying to get in...

Finally up again after being several months down... but hey its been an interesting experience. Of course my hone is still derped and I had to keep changing passwords so much I accidentally internet suicided myself a bit because changing them so frequently I cant recall several of them to even log into some places like FB, Gmail, Yahoo, or even Ebay :p

So yeah, internet privacy... this is my little take on it not really having any and my take on what its like when people you dont know; know you in total... not really a bad experience just one that has taken major adaptation. Billions of people out there, that can stop and take a look at who you are virtually any time... if you have no privacy and have made yourself public as I have.

So those are the risks between being a private or public figure online... Im pretty sure other people may know what Im talking about here and maybe some dont, and i hoe this little window has been somewhat of an eye opener of what to expect if youve wanted that or it occurs even if one doesnt... how things can raidly change so it may be a good idea for people to consider whats out there... I know some countries have petitioned Google for the right to be forgotten in the name of personal privacy and won it... I suppose I can understand why, but it was my choice to allow public figure online in total of who I am even after trying to avoid it for as long as possible.

I know the OP was a little different on topic but I thought Id address some of the other posters talking about online privacy as well, and of course since there has been debate about it for several years now... that maybe this information about my experience shows a side of it not often seen or spoken about.

Still like the concept of friends and not fans, but it gets really difficult to engage everyone on such a personal level... other than just producing work and utting it out there. I dont stockpile any so the hacking is kinda a fruitless effort due to creating it as I go.

But If others start encountering such, I suggest a computer with the WIFI taken out and using a thumb drive to transfer to one that is connected... as peole will and do go through your bios if they are that determined to see what youre doing or up too, of course whats called a burner phone might be a good idea too if you ever want to talk to people like prepaid minutes old style that isnt web heavy incase the one you use bricks and you run out of gas or car wont start for some reason and then you find out no place has a payphone any more...(recent experience) and if you ask for a gas stations to use they look at you like youre an alien and I kinda felt like one, seeing the world had changed and I hadnt noticed.

So hey be prepared... you may already have an aduience and not even know it and prepping for the just incase would be a good idea, because a lot of life takes place in cyberspace these days...

a reply to: Profusion

True. Should not PM randomly or meanly.

I dont think theres any specific PM etiquette.

I basically try and follow these rules when messaging.


Dont be creepy and say weird stuff. Give them some time to respond. And always keep everything discussed in PM confidential.

Also, sometimes certain memvers may like to respond but just cant. It may not be personal. Like in the aviation forum. Some members there have signed non disclosure agreements with the govt. Over classified information. If you go asking and poking around about those subjects they often will not respond period. And its probably not personal.

Although, it is fun to harrass zaphod and send him random PMs. I imagine he opens half of mine "goes ooookaay...." and clicks off.

Speaking of which i should probably PM him random pictures of my rubberband collection or something right now.

originally posted by: olaru12
I will always treasure a physical threat sent to me via PM. it was clever and original.

Over the years I've had my fair share of those.

I never report them, just giggle and then delete.

Usually within a fairly short period of the time the sender got themselves banned due to their own brilliant behavior elsewhere on the site.

PM rules: The T&C applies, same as the board. Etiquette is a different thing. Politeness should garner the same but sometime things slip through the cracks. People as busy. Just apologize and continue.

originally posted by: SLAYER69

originally posted by: olaru12
I will always treasure a physical threat sent to me via PM. it was clever and original.

Over the years I've had my fair share of those.

I never report them, just giggle and then delete.

Usually within a fairly short period of the time the sender got themselves banned due to their own brilliant behavior elsewhere on the site.

Please don't . People that would send back door threats should be removed. Also don't delete them from your inbox. That;s important.

a reply to: intrepid

Fair enough, will do.

I haven't had any in a couple of years.

Must be losing my touch

originally posted by: SLAYER69
a reply to: intrepid

Fair enough, will do.

I haven't had any in a couple of years.

Must be losing my touch

Did you just call me out?