There was a Girl (poem & story)

Enough

And you...you defined me,
You stole my true identity.
And I... I just let you take it,
I gave it up to you willingly.

So blinded I was by your love,
You were all that I thought of,
Then I remembered who I was,
And finally decided I'd had enough.

There was a Girl

The girl walks up onto the stage and steps up to the podium. There was a small group of women there, maybe eight or ten total. And she was nervous... her hands were sweating and she could feel the heat enter her face. It had been several years now though, and she felt she needed to talk to someone about it. But not just anyone, it had to be with others who would understand.

She had waited a long time... until the pain and hurt had numbed enough, until there were no more tears to be shed and she had some of her old self back. Some of the strength and courage she had before. It was a long road to recovery, a long bittersweet road back to the person she once knew. Every time she deprogrammed one trait, another one seemed to take its place. And she still wasn't done, still wasn't fully who she once was. But she was close...and it was time for her to close some of the doors of her past life that still remained open.

"It was little things at first, a slow build. When we were dating I did whatever I wanted to do, he never hindered me from anything. I had all the freedom in the world, and he was content to give it to me. Then slowly, when he knew that he had gained some control over my choices, he would show dissatisfaction in them. The guilt he laid on me was so layered and thick.. you could feel his mood change instantly from loving and devoted to disappointed and disgusted. And his words, they were as fierce and sharp as the katana of the samurai. His weapon of choice, he was a master at using them, an expert in the art of manipulation and control."

She lowers her head as the memories come flooding back. Her posture and demeanor taking on the timid and submissive characteristics of the girl she was at that time. She was surprised at how much those memories affected her. It had been a few years since she had left, taking nothing of value with her as she nervously and frantically put a few belongings in her car and left while he was at work. And yet, even now he had control over her, even after all this time of not being in his presence.

" It was kind of like Pavlov's dog. I would get rewarded with all the love and affection I craved if I did what he wanted. But if I did not, I would be shunned and hear how dissatisfied and upset he was about it. And not for just a few moments like in most other relationships. Just one poor choice would cause days of him being curt and distant. He would bring it up over and over again, hold onto it, dissect it, remind me of how wrong and hurtful and dishonest and deceitful it was. Even though it could be something as simple as I didn't answer his phone call while I was at work. He beat you down to nothing, you felt like nothing, and the only way you could rise back up to be something again was to gain his favor."

She felt the tears starting to well behind her eyes. It took everything she had to hold them there as she continued on.

"I was slowly isolated. We did everything together, but it was always with his family or friends. He would tell me I could go out with my friends whenever I wanted, act like he didn't care. But I no longer had any friends...and I had little to no contact with my family. One time, I went to lunch with a group of girls from work. They had been asking me forever and I was tired of always having to say "I'll ask my husband". I told him about it ahead of time, he did his whole guilt trip act, but I persevered and went. This was a huge mistake as I never, ever stopped hearing about it. For months he would bring it up, talk about it as if I had did something wrong. The guilt ... I had never felt so much of it in my life. But it would become an everyday occurrence later on in our marriage. Somehow he always made you feel like you were a young child who had just got caught with your hand in the cookie jar...even though you had never even gone near it. "

"Every day I was reminded, subtly, how much of a lesser person I was. I would hear how great he was, and was expected to praise him for whatever great deed he felt he had did that day. Expected to support him and lift him up when something went awry in his life. Yet, when the roles were reversed, he would not hesitate to tell me what I did wrong and that it was because I wasn't good enough that things went astray. In reality, I was expected to stroke his ego both by being supportive and being his punching bag. In his mind, I could never be as good and righteous as him.... I would always be flawed."

A single tear managed to slip from her eye and rolled down her cheek. Instinctually, she put her hand up to wipe it away, but then she stopped herself. It was ok to cry, it was her right and she had earned it. She allowed one tear to escape, then another and another. Letting them slowly run down her cheek and pool at the bottom her chin before they dropped with a soft splash onto the dark wood of the podium. She lifted her head a bit higher, letting the tears run freely and bearing them to all like a warrior would proudly display his war paint.

This is why she was here, isn't it? The sole purpose of her standing up here speaking in front of strangers? A person from the audience stood up and made motion to come stand by her side. She put her hand up to tell them to stay and they sat back down again. She took a minute to collect herself and then continued.

"He was in total control over all the finances. My checks were deposited into a joint checking account and I was given a weekly allowance. We fought about that from time to time I remember. Anything that I wished to purchase of value I had to ask him for the money for. While everything he wanted to purchase he did so freely, unless it was a huge amount of cash. Then he would ask me and I of course would approve. Who wouldn't approve knowing that you would bare his wraith, hate and disapproval if you did so? I was always reminded of how much work it was for him to control the expenses and pay all the bills and how stressful it was for him. Especially if I questioned any transaction or where all the money was going to. I offered many time to help him carry the burden, but he always refused. Because I was not capable of taking on such things. He had the mind for money, I wouldn't be able to grasp such things. But really, it was about being in control...he couldn't let go of the control he had there."

"I really didn't see how wrong all this was..truly, I had no idea. Many people now ask me how I didn't know, why I let it last for as long as it did. When you are isolated from others and don't see really how it's supposed to be, when you go home and talk about people living differently and you are told that they are stupid or weird and that isn't how it's really is. Told that they truly don't love each other and probably fight all the time, and that your life and marriage is so much better than theirs...When you have no family or friends to speak to and tell you it's wrong.. how do you know it is? If this is your constant way of life for ten years, if this is all you know and what you are told a marriage is supposed to be, how do you find out that it shouldn't be that way? I was conditioned to only see the world through this one color, to not see from any other perspective then that which was presented to me. I was programmed and it was done quite successfully."


Continued...

A flood of emotions comes running through her. Emotions that she used to run through each time she needed to justify actions of her ex. And she had to do that quite often, to co workers and associates, to her peers. Always making excuses, because they wouldn't understand. They lived flawed lives and would give her poor advice. They weren't good enough to see the truth of things. Thoughts, thoughts of a weak mind, a weak person. These were not her thoughts, they were his. His thoughts that were subtly placed within her mind throughout years and years of conditioning. Was she really being fair? Was it really that bad? Didn't he always give you what you wanted? Didn't you always talk things through and work things out? Didn't he always show you how much he loved you and listen to you and support you?

No..no he didn't. The only time that was done is when it benefitted him in some way. His ego was too big for him to actually care for anyone but himself. And that was proven by how quickly he filed divorce papers and moved all the money and never once made any effort to contact me after I left. So worried he was about what I would try to take, so selfish he was about his "things" that his first thoughts were in how to keep them. There was never a thought about how to keep me. Those are not the actions of a person who loves another. Those are the actions of a person who loves only himself.

"The isolation got worse with time. And the conditioning. If I was at work, I was expected to answer his call or text him back immediately or within a few minutes. If I didn't do so, he would hold me accountable for it. I would be deprived of love and beat down with words.... for days. I was allowed to go onto the internet and search the web for whatever information i wished to, but not join chat sights or talk to anyone online. I later found out that he monitored my internet activity . Knew exactly where I went and what I looked at. That's probably why I had so much freedom there. He was still in control to some degree. "

"It took me a few years but finally I was given a cell phone. He had always had a cell phone, but I hadn't needed one I was told. Eventually I talked him into it. The phone was put under his name and I was monitored on that as well. He would ask me from time to time who's number this was and why was I calling it so much. I never understood why , as I had no friends and the only people I used the cell phone for was work or him. Later, he would let it slip in one of our arguments that he could see all the activity that occurred on that cell phone, even the text messages I sent out...exactly what was said. I wasn't really worried, as I never said anything to anyone other than work related stuff. "

"He also talked about having a GPS location app on his phone. Said he could see wherever I was by tracking my phone. This was all said to threaten/scare me. I don't think he thought it would break the hold that he had on me...but it did. I knew deep down in my heart that people who love you don't do these things. That this was not what marriage is about. My life was so simple..go to work, come home, spend time with him, go to bed..repeat. I couldn't understand why he felt the need for these things. But it soon dawned on me that it was his own insecurities that made him do it. His own self doubt and feelings of unworthiness that caused him to go to such extremes. "

"And when I started to realize that after 8 years of preaching to me about honesty, trust, and integrity and it was obvious he didn't have any of these things...I started to doubt everything else he had said. And I started to ask questions. I started to see with my eyes open and finally view things from a clear perspective. I saw that you shouldn't be walking on eggshells and be worried that your husband is coming home. That you shouldn't have to run around and check out the house 5 more times to make sure it was suitable for him to come home to. I saw that it wasn't right that he come home and look for things to get upset about.. try to find things that he could say weren't done right. And I saw that he should never have been disappointed when he couldn't find something. That this wasn't what a loving marriage was about. "

"And so I started to plan.. I read up on how to leave an abusive relationship. I initiated contact back up with my family, set up a facebook account and got their support. I got my own credit card and set up my own bank account. All these things seem so simple, but they were all so pivotal for me to do. Every time I did one, it gave me strength to do another. And it was the strength that I was lacking at that time. I was told that I couldn't do things. I was worried that he was right. And the more actions I took on my own.. The more I realized I had the strength within me. That I was capable, and I had some value."

She pauses for a moment to look out at the ladies who sat before her. All of them were at different stages in their quest for freedom. All of them had the same or a similar story to tell. Some were crying, some hopeful, some smiling. You could see that they all knew exactly what the girl was talking about. It wasn't just them listening on a surface level. They felt it.. all the things that she couldn't describe. All the pain and disparity that she hadn't shared here... all the little details and emotions that you would never be able to know, truly know, unless you lived it. She raised her chin up a bit higher and smiled herself. Glad that she had made the decision to come here tonight. Glad that she had let it all out.

" It took me a full year to actually leave. I spent a good many months researching and gathering up my courage. A lot of phone conversations with my sisters and family to gain support and figure out the best way to leave. In the beginning, I spent a few months just observing the interactions with my husband and deprogramming myself a bit. Seeing things with new eyes. And once I had enough emotional strength and felt secure enough to leave..I did. It was the scariest moment of my life. But as I drove farther and farther away, and the miles became more between us, it became one of the happiest and most freeing moments I've ever had as well. "

There are no more chains, chains on me,
I've freed myself from them finally.
It was a long road getting back to reality,
But I made it and now I'm finally free.

Free yourself from your chains.....

Thanks,
blend57

a reply to: blend57

*sobbing*

Blend, these may be just words but they are all I can offer.

You have to know how important you are! Your words give others hope and strength and sometimes your words allow them to carry on just one more day.

You have the uncanny ability to reach deep into someone's soul and seem to pull out everything that they stuffed away and thought hidden. You leave them feeling naked and revealed and vulnerable.

A river of tears. In those tears there is strength. Renewed energy for life. The ability to carry on just one more day.

I thank you for you!
For being a hero!

a reply to: blend57
I think you just touched my soul. That was amazing, Blend!

You saved me once from the pits of hell, you told me a story and broke the charm.. I was used not for my wits but for my stories and all you ever said ;" Please never stop writing "

But you already knew all of this, so i closed the door behind me so no one could enter.. I chose love over freedom

Congratulations on winning your freedom...

One of the reasons I cannot bemoan the way my life has gone is at first I was Disney idealistic in relationships in love with the idea of being in love the who didnt matter.

That who not mattering and not really knowing what love was? Made me never question intentions just a happy whatever happens go lucky sort, still sort of that guy but love figured out to a fault I suppose but thats ok knowing empathy as any mother would for children not even their own, tugging heart strings wanting to house keep the world so, so much dirt doesnt fall on people.

So having trust broken in the most sacred of places with someone I thought a friend and still do for that gift of unconditional love that would giggle as he started to pee in the middle of a new diaper watching me grab something to shield it from his face then laughing at me so much hed also poo... seems he didnt mind getting it all over him in joy of seeing me scramble... although concern about the piss and feces of life getting on him and seeing his simple happiness was heaven and hell at once, heart attack constant and unbridled joy the next just looking in awe at him like an idiot.

Well, some of the best lay plans are some youre not a part of even if it effects your whole world, I was disillusioned after the depression and regression the wife was going through as it was her parents pushing for children, she was scared to death I wouldnt accept this plot or plan for the life her parents wanted and expected than what she was wanting to make with me. I held that pain of infidelity and devorce neither my choice, papers drawn while see was still pregnant undated expecting the worst and well she bore the best in my opinion. I learned what unconditional love was Aug 29th 1998 and was freed that day of so much fear of a horrid past I was so scared to be transmitted like a virus only to stare into his eyes and know there is no way... on wanting that fairytale herself it was keeping up with the Jones' even though on the block we were the Jones' manicured lawn, projects of honey do tasked sooner than ASAP, clean house, breakfast, lunch and dinner made and suddenly I wasnt good enough to meet the picture of whatever ideal she saw as money kept getting tighter and tighter with the imaginary image and of course I suddenly wasnt good enough to the in laws either because I wasnt the major bread winner so she could stay at home and play the role they expected her to play.

So it was what it was, his health and happiness was all that was important to me... and of course the image not having me in it for that happiness? Why be the foul beast to cause waves... so I hung my head and let the blade swing allowing it all to go.

I drowned without a head discomboulated like a ghost wandering around hungry and learned from the relationships to come I hadnt realized that my heart had turned to stone, I thought I was listening and communicating to the ones that would have married my sunken vessel... so communication without a head was kinda difficult. But I learned with each try and stronger woman than I attempting to open that rusted locket over my heart... then when I started to trust and oil that locket fear would grip me in a reminder of what was torn away, I wasnt living for me but as my head started growing back the drowning made me grab in insecurity and jealousy... not much different than what you say of the person in your post, I was a wreck but having mermaid after mermaid dive into te wreck seeking not the treasure within but to patch it up... I saw they were giving me the unconditional love, tough love, or whatever kind of love I needed to float again.

So many are sunken vessels getting patched up but keep themselves in a bottle and are concerned about it falling off the mantle theyve placed by letting someone get too close to the wheel of their heart after its patched up...

I was in such a bottle and I allowed someone to gently lower the mast and remove me, as at that point I had become a patcher and not someone patched looking for mermaids to hang off the masthead... we had a future planned but once outside of the bottle I grew and was adding water after patching her to float, unfortunately the same waters started filling the world again, parental aspirations of grandchildren and avoiding birth control and twisting plans secretly into something else... and my ship started taking on water again after just crossing the waters of self actualization, found myself working the blidge pump while she was at the wheel charting that course into some ideal land I was unaware of and others influence over our decisions became the driving winds of change. Of course I loved her for her at that point, but I also loved myself again at that point to not be steered into those same rocks again... without consent, I didnt say anything but I knew the plan all to well having been there... she was drowning in a dream not our own and I couldnt save her, before she wanted to sail off on dreams of others.

So it was best to drop anchor slowly in thanks and understanding even though it hurt, we werent on course and it very unfair to those dreaming and expecting steering our ship instead of us to continue onward.

Im very sorry that you worked the bilge pump for so long for someone with their boat on the mantle with the air running out to where you couldnt breathe... looking above deck seeing a smile with sails glued in fake wind with no no keep patching, it makes me feel great. I also hope you take the time to get back to yourself all the treasure that has been stolen off your chest by everyone that took a piece of you without looking.

I learned my missing piece I had been a pirate looking for for so long... that one piece of me that no one could ever steal but it was one I always thought I lacked. Perhaps this question will help you and others recall theirs...

What is it youve felt youve always lacked from others, even if fragments of it has been there... just still hungry for it from parents etc.?

For me it was encouragement. I never or rarely had encouragement in anything I wanted to be or do... it was always naysayers or clingers in family scared I would outgrow what they wanted or expected if I ever found that missing treasure. Then one day all bemoaning this lack of encouragment it hit me right between the eyes... I thought: Why hasnt anyone believed in me? Encouraged my dreams... I alwa. I stopped right there, It was blatantly apparent I was encouragement itself. I always was and gave away freely what I felt I needed... then on seeing how I helped others in humility as I had no idea. I was finally able to see the blind spot of each and every person that did try to show me the mirror of what I was to others with a bit of encouragement, you can do it as a glimpse of my own face.

So feeling whole and complete, nothing mattered as it once seemed too that selfishness dropped away and my heart cracked open and all the blackness oozed out of every pore like a sickness, but ego said hey people should appreciate all you do for them youre a damned good guy thats let everyone throw crap on him and take it because theres wisdom in the bottom of that well people keep drowning you in like an unwanted sack of kittens... kittens because I knew I wasnt alone in such an experience, so ego said hey haters gonna hate egotistical people make it just fine holding onto hate and f you in the name of personal greed.

Of course that change made those good hearted souls that did encourage turn their backs, because that encouragment wasnt for that outcome it was to put wind in my sails and remain humble for that wind... dead in the water with no love because ego only loves oneself when it takes way more people than oneself to successfully pilot such a vessel through life, with grace and dignity deserving to stand at the helm... of course having so many that care about my ship these days, for any peace I let those fighting over the helm it takes wrestle while I lounge in my bunk... the course is lain in no matter who keeps trying to take it off course, and well its a lesson in patience with those having control issues that once had those lack of encouragement issues...

They dont realize I ran the damn thing aground on purpose and run side to side below deck to simulate waves from time to time as all the hot air they blow bellows wind of their own heading... no their vessel and never was, so they play pilot and Im just here out of empathy for the time being, all the time in the world waiting until playing pirate becomes the bones on the black flag hanging from the mast... while they still try to cast me as a cabin boy even though these pipes are clean.

Sad when family would do more than any enemy might, and friends and even strangers sail by going seriously how can you stand it? To that end my compass is always the prevailing wind... the treasure already discovered, once in awhile I walk on deck and point to where they or someone else has lost theirs not knowing what or where mine is wishing it was theres.

Family being both deaf and blind to who I am for what I was and not what they ever wanted to be through me? I constantly draw maps to the public such as this one... and in this case? Your X still marks your spot. An he gets an E for that effort to not make sure course as A ok for the both of you in a pipe down because his pipe dreams werent for meant for sharing with someone he could have had as an equal and a partner to sail the ship just as surely as he could as one no different towards the mutal sunset chosen day by day.

Heres a medal never given for all your hard work that went unappreciated

The real treasure though is all that work accomplished was yours... so I hope that sets you up with some pride, along with the dignity you didnt let go before it was too late to recover your heading.

Bitter seas are lonely seas, and Im glad those tears werent as bitter as thought when you let go and let them roll wit the tides of change.

Heres to hoping you keep some sunshine on your face, as Richard Pryor's Mudbone character says... theres wind at your back called the past hot air you let out of his balloon. Eventually, that wind will cool and just right as your own and regret will set in and he may try floating by... and saying no will be your moment of satisfaction, knowing hes on a course for learning to be a better person from your leaving.

Dedicated to all the gulls Ive loved before... any ocean sky wouldnt be complete without them.

You're the most beautiful person I know! and you're stronger now!