Congratulations on winning your freedom...
One of the reasons I cannot bemoan the way my life has gone is at first I was Disney idealistic in relationships in love with the idea of being in
love the who didnt matter.
That who not mattering and not really knowing what love was? Made me never question intentions just a happy whatever happens go lucky sort, still sort
of that guy but love figured out to a fault I suppose but thats ok knowing empathy as any mother would for children not even their own, tugging heart
strings wanting to house keep the world so, so much dirt doesnt fall on people.
So having trust broken in the most sacred of places with someone I thought a friend and still do for that gift of unconditional love that would giggle
as he started to pee in the middle of a new diaper watching me grab something to shield it from his face then laughing at me so much hed also poo...
seems he didnt mind getting it all over him in joy of seeing me scramble... although concern about the piss and feces of life getting on him and
seeing his simple happiness was heaven and hell at once, heart attack constant and unbridled joy the next just looking in awe at him like an idiot.
Well, some of the best lay plans are some youre not a part of even if it effects your whole world, I was disillusioned after the depression and
regression the wife was going through as it was her parents pushing for children, she was scared to death I wouldnt accept this plot or plan for the
life her parents wanted and expected than what she was wanting to make with me. I held that pain of infidelity and devorce neither my choice, papers
drawn while see was still pregnant undated expecting the worst and well she bore the best in my opinion. I learned what unconditional love was Aug
29th 1998 and was freed that day of so much fear of a horrid past I was so scared to be transmitted like a virus only to stare into his eyes and know
there is no way... on wanting that fairytale herself it was keeping up with the Jones' even though on the block we were the Jones' manicured lawn,
projects of honey do tasked sooner than ASAP, clean house, breakfast, lunch and dinner made and suddenly I wasnt good enough to meet the picture of
whatever ideal she saw as money kept getting tighter and tighter with the imaginary image and of course I suddenly wasnt good enough to the in laws
either because I wasnt the major bread winner so she could stay at home and play the role they expected her to play.
So it was what it was, his health and happiness was all that was important to me... and of course the image not having me in it for that happiness?
Why be the foul beast to cause waves... so I hung my head and let the blade swing allowing it all to go.
I drowned without a head discomboulated like a ghost wandering around hungry and learned from the relationships to come I hadnt realized that my heart
had turned to stone, I thought I was listening and communicating to the ones that would have married my sunken vessel... so communication without a
head was kinda difficult. But I learned with each try and stronger woman than I attempting to open that rusted locket over my heart... then when I
started to trust and oil that locket fear would grip me in a reminder of what was torn away, I wasnt living for me but as my head started growing back
the drowning made me grab in insecurity and jealousy... not much different than what you say of the person in your post, I was a wreck but having
mermaid after mermaid dive into te wreck seeking not the treasure within but to patch it up... I saw they were giving me the unconditional love, tough
love, or whatever kind of love I needed to float again.
So many are sunken vessels getting patched up but keep themselves in a bottle and are concerned about it falling off the mantle theyve placed by
letting someone get too close to the wheel of their heart after its patched up...
I was in such a bottle and I allowed someone to gently lower the mast and remove me, as at that point I had become a patcher and not someone patched
looking for mermaids to hang off the masthead... we had a future planned but once outside of the bottle I grew and was adding water after patching her
to float, unfortunately the same waters started filling the world again, parental aspirations of grandchildren and avoiding birth control and twisting
plans secretly into something else... and my ship started taking on water again after just crossing the waters of self actualization, found myself
working the blidge pump while she was at the wheel charting that course into some ideal land I was unaware of and others influence over our decisions
became the driving winds of change. Of course I loved her for her at that point, but I also loved myself again at that point to not be steered into
those same rocks again... without consent, I didnt say anything but I knew the plan all to well having been there... she was drowning in a dream not
our own and I couldnt save her, before she wanted to sail off on dreams of others.
So it was best to drop anchor slowly in thanks and understanding even though it hurt, we werent on course and it very unfair to those dreaming and
expecting steering our ship instead of us to continue onward.
Im very sorry that you worked the bilge pump for so long for someone with their boat on the mantle with the air running out to where you couldnt
breathe... looking above deck seeing a smile with sails glued in fake wind with no no keep patching, it makes me feel great. I also hope you take the
time to get back to yourself all the treasure that has been stolen off your chest by everyone that took a piece of you without looking.
I learned my missing piece I had been a pirate looking for for so long... that one piece of me that no one could ever steal but it was one I always
thought I lacked. Perhaps this question will help you and others recall theirs...
What is it youve felt youve always lacked from others, even if fragments of it has been there... just still hungry for it from parents etc.?
For me it was encouragement. I never or rarely had encouragement in anything I wanted to be or do... it was always naysayers or clingers in family
scared I would outgrow what they wanted or expected if I ever found that missing treasure. Then one day all bemoaning this lack of encouragment it hit
me right between the eyes... I thought: Why hasnt anyone believed in me? Encouraged my dreams... I alwa. I stopped right there, It was blatantly
apparent I was encouragement itself. I always was and gave away freely what I felt I needed... then on seeing how I helped others in humility as I had
no idea. I was finally able to see the blind spot of each and every person that did try to show me the mirror of what I was to others with a bit of
encouragement, you can do it as a glimpse of my own face.
So feeling whole and complete, nothing mattered as it once seemed too that selfishness dropped away and my heart cracked open and all the blackness
oozed out of every pore like a sickness, but ego said hey people should appreciate all you do for them youre a damned good guy thats let everyone
throw crap on him and take it because theres wisdom in the bottom of that well people keep drowning you in like an unwanted sack of kittens... kittens
because I knew I wasnt alone in such an experience, so ego said hey haters gonna hate egotistical people make it just fine holding onto hate and f you
in the name of personal greed.
Of course that change made those good hearted souls that did encourage turn their backs, because that encouragment wasnt for that outcome it was to
put wind in my sails and remain humble for that wind... dead in the water with no love because ego only loves oneself when it takes way more people
than oneself to successfully pilot such a vessel through life, with grace and dignity deserving to stand at the helm... of course having so many that
care about my ship these days, for any peace I let those fighting over the helm it takes wrestle while I lounge in my bunk... the course is lain in no
matter who keeps trying to take it off course, and well its a lesson in patience with those having control issues that once had those lack of
They dont realize I ran the damn thing aground on purpose and run side to side below deck to simulate waves from time to time as all the hot air they
blow bellows wind of their own heading... no their vessel and never was, so they play pilot and Im just here out of empathy for the time being, all
the time in the world waiting until playing pirate becomes the bones on the black flag hanging from the mast... while they still try to cast me as a
cabin boy even though these pipes are clean.
Sad when family would do more than any enemy might, and friends and even strangers sail by going seriously how can you stand it? To that end my
compass is always the prevailing wind... the treasure already discovered, once in awhile I walk on deck and point to where they or someone else has
lost theirs not knowing what or where mine is wishing it was theres.
Family being both deaf and blind to who I am for what I was and not what they ever wanted to be through me? I constantly draw maps to the public such
as this one... and in this case? Your X still marks your spot. An he gets an E for that effort to not make sure course as A ok for the both of you in
a pipe down because his pipe dreams werent for meant for sharing with someone he could have had as an equal and a partner to sail the ship just as
surely as he could as one no different towards the mutal sunset chosen day by day.
Heres a medal never given for all your hard work that went unappreciated
The real treasure though is all that work accomplished was yours... so I hope that sets you up with some pride, along with the dignity you didnt let
go before it was too late to recover your heading.
Bitter seas are lonely seas, and Im glad those tears werent as bitter as thought when you let go and let them roll wit the tides of change.
Heres to hoping you keep some sunshine on your face, as Richard Pryor's Mudbone character says... theres wind at your back called the past hot air you
let out of his balloon. Eventually, that wind will cool and just right as your own and regret will set in and he may try floating by... and saying no
will be your moment of satisfaction, knowing hes on a course for learning to be a better person from your leaving.
Dedicated to all the gulls Ive loved before... any ocean sky wouldnt be complete without them.
edit on 7-6-2016 by BigBrotherDarkness because:
this edit brought to you by the letter G