originally posted by: intrepid
..... it's your fault.
Not referring to ATS per se. It seems like society today is this petty.
I have a problem with this thinking on so many levels. Yes, they are pixels on a screen but they are also communication. If you look at someone long
enough, that varies from person to person, you will be able to "trigger" damn near anyone. That's the person's fault that someone took the time to
figure out what would piss you off? That's YOUR fault?
Which leads me to the BIG part of my beef. WHY? Why do people feel the need to piss others off? Does it make you feel better? Is your life so
damn bad that "misery loves company" isn't a colloquialism but a way of life? This childishness has to end.
You are a very clever & bright person, Intrepid. This OP is another illustration of that.
Perhaps you didn't think on it long enough.
I think you might have similarly asked--Where does the inner gritch come from?
Clearly, it does NOT come from quality parenting--of which there is an epidemic scarcity.
Right. It comes from . . . drum roll . . . Attachment Disorder
Children--who--in the first 6-8 years of life--have one or more parents (in my experience, particularly a Dad) who:
--is alcoholic &/or
--is an other drug abuser &/or
--is cold &/or
--is distant &/or
--is absent &/or
--is harsh &/or
--is seriously perfectionistic &/or
--is emotionally abusive &/or
--is physically abusive &/or
--is sexually abusive &/or
--is a workaholic &/or
--is a rage-a-holic
--such a child WILL have a very serious degree of Attachment Disorder (usually called RAD for Reactive Attachment Disorder). They just
will. No doubt about it. It is a virtual 99.999999% certainty. And THAT means that said child WILL have significant PHYSIOLOGICAL brain
damage (as verified by MRI tests) in TWO KEY brain areas:
--the brain area having to do with EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION
--the brain area having to do with RELATIONSHIPS.
THAT is basically the WHY of your OP.
Then throw in the oligarchy's deliberately winding folks up to shred each other--even to the point of civil war, rioting and mass murder . . . and
things are definitely off and running.
"Why the need to piss each other off?"
How to put it . . . The inner angst; the inner gritch; the inner discomfort; the inner . . . SCREAM . . . cue the famous painting . . .
from the RAD. It doesn't go away without a LOT of concentrated (usually professionally aided) work; quality
relationships; and a whole new way of perceiving, learning, relating and living--essentially RETRAINING, REWIRING the
. How many folks do you know with such problems who doggedly do the work required to learn to live in a mutually respectful,
I've worked hard all my adult life--even in my teens--got my PhD in clinical psych--had tons of individual and group therapy; had tons of Christian
spiritual individual and group counseling and deliverance sessions--and still--I wrestle with the residue of such a childhood. Sure, I'm enormously
better than I was at 14. But it has been a very tortured road.
Sure, I was so desperate for relationships that I virtually did back-flips to try and please whomever I was around just to feel less alone.
Sure, I HATED conflict, turmoil, discord between people and particularly between me and someone else.
Nevertheless, I'd, with great horror periodically catch myself saying some fool prickly thing.
Did it feel good? Yes and no. It did NOT come out of a calm, healed, confident place.
It came out of hurt, fear, insecurity. Hurt tended to trigger anger. Fear and insecurity tended to trigger grasping--sometimes grasping
for any significant EMOTIONAL response to SIGNAL that I was alive, that I really did breathe air and take up space and had SOME impact on my
environment to prove that I existed and was worth at least a little space and air.
I did not feel . . . drum roll . . . CONNECTED, ATTACHED.
There may have been a feeling of being justified and a feeling of release that sort of felt good. But the bigger, more lasting feeling was yet more
grief; more regret; more alone angst. The most lasting feelings were not positive.
In some respects, yeah, misery loves company.
But mostly such folks do NOT KNOW ANY BETTER WAY to . . . drum roll . . . EXPRESS their EMOTIONAL feelings. That area of their brain is
PHYSIOLOGICALLY DAMAGED. They literally are BRAIN DAMAGED in such matters. It's just a fact. And even WHEN they sort of have learned and
know better in some part of their head that there's a better way to communicate--the old wiring, the old reflexes are NOT that easily or quickly
Yes, it IS a way of life BECAUSE of the RAD. They do NOT KNOW--particularly in a truly learned and implemented way--THEY DO NOT KNOW how to live
any better way. Even if they intellectually can see that there's a better way--even if they know someone who does such things better--it's like
expecting them to speak Swahili. It would take a long time for them to learn to reliably do it.
YES, it 'has' to end.
But for billions of people, it won't end as long as they are alive. There are not enough
counselors. And when the counselors are available--the pride, selfishness, anger, brittleness, thin-skinned stuff, etc. will get in the way and
prevent long hard work to overcome such reflexes.
On ATS . . . I'd suggest basically not tolerating it--but do so with some compassion. SHAPE the behavior step by step. Not only model but teach
caringly and incrementally HOW to communicate content differently.
Teach them how to say "I feel __________ when ___________." rather than "YOU MAKE ME MAD." etc. That takes responsibility for their feelings while
leaving the other person responsibility for the other person's part.
Yeah, I know, Mods are busy enough without having to be instructors and counselors. But I don't know a better way to deal with it. I don't know a
better way to fill that part of your role.
Just slapping it down doesn't make it go away without unnecessary (imho) bannings. Eventually, there'd be few 'adult' posters left. LOL.
Most folks less than 70 years old have trigger issues. And, there's always SOME terminally immature, terminally INSECURE
, 2-year old mentality,
very serious RAD afflicted folks around quite willing and eager to push buttons out of their own chronic and serious gritch and angst. And then, they
are likely off and running. Nip it in the bud wherever possible. But teach, in the process. After enough lessons, patience and compassion, no more
grace. But try hard, to teach, first, imho.
Otherwise, it will NEVER END.
Great topic. Thanks.
edit on 1/6/2016 by BO XIAN because: trying to end bold tag
edit on 1/6/2016 by BO XIAN because: added
1/6/2016 by BO XIAN because: addition and clarity