Mothers day bitterness

My mom was very strict. When I disobeyed , I was sent out to get a switch off the cherry tree. I wanted to chop that damn thing down! In my late 20s mom came to me and appologised. I accepted and we became best friends

We all have a choice. Be bitter or get better. It does help when a parent says " Im sorry".
Mom is gone now, and I miss her. I was at her side when she passed. I cherish the love we had and have no regretts

a reply to: visitedbythem

How wonderful for you to make peace with her before she graduated.

How wonderful for her to be able to say she was sorry.

Congrats.

originally posted by: ketsuko


Maybe in way, Mother's Day is as much about sisterhood and how women tend to try to mentor each other and the kids around them. We nurture. It tends to be in our bones, even those of us (I count myself) who are not instinctive mothering sorts.

Hm. Apparently it is not all women who are like that. In my fathers family, it is matriarchial- men are quiet and obedient to their loud, bold and emotionally charged wives, sisters and daughters. In that family, yes- there is a constant stream (all year round) of ego stroking and proclamations of how strong and amazing the women are (by both sexes). There is the family joke that they make strong women and beta men, and no one is embarrassed to say that.
In that family, the women do support each other well , and all my aunts and female cousins have multiple marriages under their belt.

Then there's my mothers family, who were patriarchial- marriages are for life, women follow their men and do their best to develop their own masculine qualities. "Mothering" is a bad word, suggesting "making someone weak and handicapped"; childhood is a stage of life that we cannot avoid, but is the worst phase we have to go through. It is expected that everyone wants to get out of it as soon as possible and women do their best to aid them through being harsh and cold, motivating them to jump the nest.
In that family, women do not support each other. Women do not like other women, their own femininity, and the only thing to be proud of in being a mother is to be able to say you did not fall into the trap of being nurturing, or having your freedom limited by the fact that you were temporarily stuck with offspring.
Revulsion and disapproval is expressed for any female that falls into the trap of being nurturing.
These women do not have female friends or keep up contact with other females in the family. They are centered on work and their husband.


Seeing these two very different ways women can be in a familial context makes me think that the values of the entourage one is in shape us a lot.

The common thread I see in these females of different "-archies" is a focus upon collective values and movements; social conscience. Choosing our acts or behaviors with the impact upon the whole community in the long run, instead of simply ones immediate gratification. The second family made feminists, who refuse to be nurturing because they are thinking of others, of their children, of the direction the whole society is going- they don't want to make the next generation weak.

(in my opinion, that was a total fail. When a person does not develop a sense of security or belongingness early on in life, they remain with the weakness way into adulthood. They miscalculated there....)

But I feel torn in the middle there, as neither of these extremes make me comfortable. I don't know, I may be rambling this morning, I should drink my coffee first. I might be just letting go of stuff.

a reply to: Bluesma

Sobering.

Dreadful.

I agree strongly.

Attachment disorder as caused by either style of mothering would leave the children extremely weak in a list of ways for the rest of their lives--regardless of the surface charades they managed to pull of to try and hide such weaknesses.

I may comment more later but I'm ready to go back to bed for the 2nd sleep jump.

a reply to: BO XIAN

I was looking back through old threads to find something and ran across your comment.

I'm curious, what happened after you leveled the guns of truth to your aunt in front of everyone?

Sadly, not much. Of course, every one pretended to be shocked, but it was pretty common knowledge among the family how she was and what others thought of her. You know how families gossip when others are not around. No one said anything at the time, but for a while after, quite a few told me they were glad someone "finally stood up to the old bitch".

"Bitterness'? Actually no, I don't think I am bitter.
Fed up, yes. Allergic to BS, Yes. If I were to go in to detail of my life story and the Why behind it, many would just say I was bragging, so I'll just say I learned at an early age that most people are not worth knowing. I have always tried to keep to myself and not get involved in other's bulls***, but they seem to always want to drag me in. When I was about 22- 24 [ now 51 ] I finally just got sick of fake people. I do not do "nice" just to be nice and I do not let people get away with something, just to "keep the peace".

Let me clear that up... I get along very well with people I meet on a day to day basis. When I go to the gas station or grocery store, I am respectful of people, share little jokes, try to be pleasant, I say "Please" and "Thank You", I am courteous to everyone, but people have learned to never, Ever, ask for my opinion, unless you want my honest opinion. I've learned that most who do, only want an echo chamber and for someone to tell them they're right. In short, if someone is being an ass, I call them on it, out in the open and let the cards fall where they may. People have also learned the hard way never to lie to me. You get one chance... lie to me and you're out of my life for good.

I see most for what they are : Selfish, self centered, opportunists, glad to stab you in the back if it is to their advantage and are not to be trusted.
Issues? No. Hard lessons learned the hard way.

I happened upon this thread. Thank you all for posting. I was fortunate to be raised by two (unconditional) loving parents who both did their best, despite having to grow through their own personal problems. Even in that environment, there was varying degrees of resentment among my siblings; and it is not just the selfish resentment of people who are themselves selfish.

I only found out my siblings' feelings when we were all middleaged adults. I was clueless, being one of the latter children, after our parents had more experience raising kids and had worked through their personal problems, and I didn't have my siblings' resentments (plus individual personality comes into play).

Getting to the point, I never knew that there were "bad" parents. I knew about "wire monkeys" and institutional situations, but, hey, that was just an experiment, right? Families keep their secrets, and our culture maybe has a secret about bad parenting.

It wasn't until about 5 years ago, my best friend sat in my living room and actually cried telling me about how she was raised. I had known her mother, and my friend appeared pretty well adjusted, but I had no idea that her mother was, as she said, "mommie dearest on steroids". I had even seen the movie, but, hey, that was Hollywood, those things don't happen in regular American families, right?

I was stunned. I learned a lot. While mom's behavior was visited equally upon the kids, the kids' reactions were different depending on birth order and individual personality.

Because of this, when I shortly after was confronted by my husband's (my second husband, the "good one" ) confession about his family life growing up, I was not shocked. I understood why he said he felt no affection for his parents; he had forgiven them years ago, and any relationship he still maintained was more out of a cultural obligation to "honor your parents". He would send cards, but he made sure they never mentioned about being a "loving" parent or his being grateful for how he was raised.

If I had not been made to understand that there were really bad parents out there, I would have been so judgemental, wondering why everyone couldn't just send their mother a flowery card on Mother's Day. I think our society has to stop with this "maternal instinct" idea that every mother is capable of raising children. There are women (and men) who are not capable of providing a nurturing, healthy environment for raising children. To an outsider, all may appear well and fine, but in some households that is far from the truth. Parenthood should not be a forced institution.

So, thank you all for posting and bringing this to light. Oh, re forgiveness.... I think one forgives because it is good for the person forgiving. Forgiving someone doesn't mean that the person will accept or even understand why you're forgiving them. That's up to them. But it's good to forgive, as it helps to get on with one's life in a better way than not forgiving. It helped my husband.

One more thing....

originally posted by: Bluesma
When a person does not develop a sense of security or belongingness early on in life, they remain with the weakness way into adulthood.

I think you hit the nail on the head!

Having a secure environment, feeling that you belong is, indeed, most important; it can provide the background to better overcome any problems that do arise. Without it, it can be like flailing around in water, feeling like there's no option other than drowning.

In my husband's case, severe alcoholism with one parent and the co-dependency of the other, even though he was provided good physical security, made for great emotional insecurity. Inside, he can be that emotionally insecure 8 yr old at times, even though he really has worked through a great deal.

As for my best friend, her parent was a clinical narcissist psychopath. The children were provided excellent food, shelter, and clothing, but they had to undergo, in reality, physical and emotional torture and abuse. And all that was hidden from the outside, and many times kids don't know just how not normal that it is. For her, it has been a lot harder to work through.