Mothers day bitterness

a reply to: Bluesma

My heart really goes out to you, probably especially because I can relate too well to too much. My relationship with my mother is quite difficult, to the point that we seldom talk anymore, and when we do it's mostly about gardening -- a nice neutral subject. She didn't abuse me physically (she let my older siblings do that -- and then blamed me for "starting it.") But emotionally -- oh boy!!! Guilt trips, manipulation, double standards, hyper-critical of anything and everything I did. I could cry you a river... but I won't.

I will say that I had adult kids of my own before I was able to understand that much of "our" problems were really "her" problems and to draw some appropriate boundaries between us. I don't hate her. I love her very much, and I know that in many ways I am the "exception" in that she does not deal with others the same way at all -- not my siblings, and not the world at large. She volunteers all over, and is always there for people in times of need, and has touched many many hearts. I don't understand why I am that "exception," but I guess I don't have to. All I can do is honor and respect her for all that she has done for me, and walk away from the rest. I can also appreciate that she made me a better mother to my own kids, because I was determined not to make the same mistakes... of course that just means I made different mistakes! (Because we all do)

One more thing -- don't let the excessive displays of celebration fool you. It's as much to convince themselves as anyone else. When you've really got it, you don't have to flaunt it. My kids won't be putting up any grand Facebook posts for me -- especially since I'm not on Facebook! But my kids are making me dinner tonight while my husband is at his parents' celebrating with his mother, and we'll sit out on the patio and build a fire in the pit and enjoy the evening and each other's company. Good food, good people and good times! I told them long ago that I didn't want more stuff for presents... I wanted happy memories. And they've been awesome about giving me exactly that.

I hope you -- and everyone facing challenges this day -- do something special for yourself today and celebrate yourself. I have often felt that in many ways I had to "mother" myself. I think maybe you have too and it seems to me you've done a damn fine job of it, and made yourself an awesome person to admire and respect and love, and that definitely deserves celebrating. Make Mother's Day YOUR day!!!

a reply to: Bluesma

Well, she's dead now. But I feel like I was freed and able to finally start my life as my own once she died!

I experienced the same thing. It wasn't until after her death that I was able to realize her destructive influence over me.

a reply to: ketsuko

Why can't people express a thought or emotion without being accused of trying to end something or change the behavior of others?

a reply to: Bluesma

No, I understand you were venting, but not every day we celebrate is for every person in the world. We cannot make them all inclusive and when people try, we wind up not being able to celebrate them at all.

There are many like you who did not have good mothers or good relationships with their mothers or there are those who don't have mothers for various reasons. I feel very bad for you and those like you. Clearly, it was traumatic, but Mother's Day was never meant to be a symbol of all that. It pre-existed you and your mother.

The day was not created to rub that in their face, but rather to celebrate others and the idea of what should be. All those Valentine's Days when I didn't have a SO? I wasn't bitter that I saw all that stuff about people in love and having someone while I didn't. It wasn't the fault of others who did. It wasn't even my fault. It's just the way it was.

So go knock back a few drinks if it helps, but don't obsess on the day.

a reply to: ketsuko

I get all that.
I wrote in my OP that I am being jealous, bitter and immature.
I gave forewarning, and no where any where else does anyone know my feelings on this.
Like I explained, I never ever tell this to anyone or express it outwardly.
This is MY moment and place to do it, it stops no one else from their celebrations, and I gave warning so that those who feel uncomfortable with these feelings can exit as quick as possible from the thread.

Like I explained, also, this is a regular discomfort for me all year round, as in this culture, there is a constant focus and high value on maternity and childhood. Just as the conversation I described between my girlfriends, it is a common thread in this culture. They also assume childhood is, by it's very nature, a blessed and carefree secure time fo life. For everyone. That is what "childhood" means. Because in this culture, the society makes sure of that in many ways. This is something I also sit quietly and smile or raise my glass to everyones warm assertions of this. Don't worry, I don't say anything to anyone, they stay blissfully ignorant that there are children in the world who are hungry, cold, sick, alone...

I think we should also have a Financial Abundance, or Material Wealth day.
Celebrate our freedom from financial stress and suffering and all the security and happiness we have!!!



I can make a cake in the shape of my BMW. We can say grace and thank God I do not have to work a job, and can spend my days doing yoga, going to the theater, or riding horses!!! It wouldn't be about me, exactly, but about all of our wealth and the pleasure it gives us!

a reply to: ketsuko

Pffft.

Mother's Day was created as a consumer holiday to sell stuff. Guilt, remembrance, thankfulness, it's all about the money. Don't kid yourself. Those that honor their mothers don't need a holiday to do so, they do so every day. Even those whose mothers were less than loving and giving, do so every day.

a reply to: Bluesma

From your post it sounded like girls gabbing. Keep in mind, sons aren't the same and sometimes hold on in slavish devotion and or alternate between "I can't stand her" and...not sure what you call it. It isn't always, in fact rarely is a sign of a "relationship" that is like a friendship the nature of daughters and sisters. It does not even mean it's "good." It means he's devoted. Sounds like you are in a talk circle or something. Try not to let it affect what you see on the net, that kind of thing might have a cumulative effect. Some sons compete over how much devotion they have its an entirely different thing. Certainly more than chitchat aimed at fitting in on some day...I hope you see it doesn't even compare. Its more like take on the role of your father because he's not there, do duties out of principle..who gives a rip about all the chatter..


People forget this one??

a reply to: Bluesma

I love Mother's Day, I'm lucky to have a mom that's amazing and be a mom to great son but I get that there's some terrible or difficult moms out there that can cause bitter feelings to crop up when this day rolls around every year. You don't need permission from some right-wing SJW to express your thoughts or feel bad for popping someone's safe space bubble... the hypocrisy of the notion even... ugh!

I'm sorry that this is a difficult day for you and that your mom was so cold.

a reply to: ketsuko

Should we stop celebrating so you can feel better? Should the rest of us spoil our day because not everyone had a wonderful mother? Mother's Day isn't about you or me or our specific mothers. It's about mothers in general and the women who take the time to be mothering to other children than their own.

What she posted is the kind of honesty I really appreciate

She didn't ask anything of anybody. If you read her OP you know she's expressing something personal, from her perspective - which is valid

Mother's day is a meaningless holiday - unless for you it has meaning

Motherhood is so obviously something that is very important to every single child on this planet. It's not - as it turns out - important to every mother

Mothers are not sacred or holy - or all the same. They're people. Some of them suck at it

My mother was amazing. Her mother was not

a reply to: Bluesma

I wrote in my OP that I am being jealous, bitter and immature.

You're not being immature. That was one of the more mature things you could have written

Jealous and bitter - those are just normal human emotions. It's hard to play the saint

Genuine people feel things - and own up to it

:-)

I can sympathize, my own mothers Knickname was " the Ice Queen"

Haven't spoken to here in years. My brother told me last July that it had been 6 months since she returned his calls. And he's the family favorite. She moved to a retirement town and cut off communication. Took our father with her too.

At a certain point one needs to recognize the unhealthy behaviors of our elders then correct them in ourselves so that we don't make the same mistakes with our children.

Spending this Sunday like any other. Coffee and eggs, a little writing and maybe a movie. Today's a holiday, you say? Not in my castle.

a reply to: Bluesma

I have a great mom but my husband didn't have a great mom.I do
know that there are a lot of good moms' out there but not all.

a reply to: Bluesma

Well then take comfort in the fact that there are others out there who are in your boat. Don't focus on what you don't have, but on the fact that you aren't alone.

Look, I resented Mother's Day on a personal until I moved out and my mother and I subsequently become much closer. But I didn't externalize it and think that just because I didn't understand the day at that point or feel I wanted to celebrate that others should be prevented from enjoying what they had. Maybe part of what stopped me was the very obvious, very real love my mother and my grandmother had and then the love I had for my grandmother.

Maybe in way, Mother's Day is as much about sisterhood and how women tend to try to mentor each other and the kids around them. We nurture. It tends to be in our bones, even those of us (I count myself) who are not instinctive mothering sorts.

a reply to: ketsuko

Maybe in way, Mother's Day is as much about sisterhood and how women tend to try to mentor each other and the kids around them. We nurture. It tends to be in our bones, even those of us (I count myself) who are not instinctive mothering sorts.

That was really lovely - and rings pretty true

I'm not a mother - but I often feel motherly. The sisterhood is something I do feel in my bones

a reply to: ketsuko

or feel I wanted to celebrate that others should be prevented from enjoying what they had.

Why do you feel the need to say that when nothing of the sort was suggested?

a reply to: DAVID64

I'm concerned that you may have some bitterness etc. to deal with . . .

HOWEVER, I loved your candor and decisiveness about distancing yourself from poisonous people.

THAT IS ESSENTIAL for personal health and growth. There's no reason to subject one's self to very dysfunctional and destructive junk from folks who will likely only get worse and worse.

Enslaving one's self, particularly needlessly, to a torturer is simply nonsense and suicidal.

Congrats on standing up for the truth.

I'm curious, what happened after you leveled the guns of truth to your aunt in front of everyone?

a reply to: Raxoxane

INDEED!

WELL PUT.

CONGRATS FOR HEROIC OVERCOMING!

a reply to: Boadicea

WHAT AN EXCELLENT POST WITH GREAT POINTS THROUGHOUT.

THANKS.

The IP--THE IDENTIFIED PATIENT--the one parents unconsciously choose to receive all the ## is

USUALLY the youngest. --a close 2nd, the oldest. Many oldest kids are convinced it's the oldest . . . and it might be close. I haven't reviewed the stats for a long time.

Otherwise--the child most like the parent is the one chosen to be most abused.

THE OLDEST--first child--the most mistakes . . . and the insecure parent with huge degrees of attachment disorder tends to demand that the oldest become perfect to prove to the world what a perfectly wonderful parent the parent is. Hideous.

THE YOUNGEST--the parent--particularly the mother--is unconsciously panic-ridden that they will soon be in an empty nest facing maybe an unfulfilling or troubled marriage; facing old age; facing their own craziness etc. etc. etc.

THEREFORE, they focus all the more intensely on the youngest child--trying to hammer them into whatever form they think is more perfect . . . in order to feel more potent, worthwhile etc. as a parent.

These are the more logical and somewhat observable explanations.

CERTAINLY it is NOT YOU or NOT THE CHILD that is at fault. It is clearly attachment disorder caused craziness on the part of the parent. And horrible it can be.

originally posted by: windword
a reply to: ketsuko

Pffft.

Mother's Day was created as a consumer holiday to sell stuff. Guilt, remembrance, thankfulness, it's all about the money. Don't kid yourself. Those that honor their mothers don't need a holiday to do so, they do so every day. Even those whose mothers were less than loving and giving, do so every day.

INDEED.

Sadly, too few realize that daily opportunities to show love and caring race by un-attended to.

And, the showy stuff is often overdone out of guilt and manipulation. Sigh.