Mothers day bitterness

I am getting this out here because it is socially unacceptable to have this attitude, and considered offensive to verbalize it.

But I am SO sick of hearing about how wonderful mothers are.... especially within a sort of assumption that ALL mothers are wonderful, loving and worthy of being worshipped and appreciated.
So of course today I see a lot of it because it is Mothers Day, but I have to face a lot of it regularly because the french are a very "maternal" type of culture - they adore talking about childhood and mothering. (almost the complete opposite of our american focus on paternalism and the importance of fathers, the "founding fathers", etc. etc.)


A few weeks ago I sat silently in a circle of girlfriends talking about some recent novel they had all read, which described someones relationship with their mother, and appreciation of all her sacrifice and care throughout his life....the way they spoke like, "of course we all know this is the common experience of all humans- we all had wonderful mothers who loved us dearly - that is a universal truth..."

So many people think that is true, as if a woman cannot help but love her offspring. Like it is something biologically built into us.

I guess what bothers me is having that security constantly held up in front of me, reminding me of some sort of experience I cannot even imagine properly, and that scratches at my emotional scabs. I don't say anything because obviously I don't want others to think about the less fortunate in the world and feel crappy just because there are others that do.

But it is one area where I actually comprehend how in some cultures (unlike the american one) there is a notion that some restraint in expression of even positive sentiment can be a good thing at times. We Americans like the idea that we can inspire others to seek and achieve happiness by showing our own, but in this case, I cannot go back and change my childhood! I cannot choose a different mother to be born to. There's nothing I can do to change this. So it is just totally useless pain provocation.

This morning watching all my relatives lavishing admiration on their mothers - even my stepsister on my stepmother, who once convinced my father to leave the state and fight my mothers request that he take custody of me; who explained to me early on I was not to call her mother because she was too young to be my mother and did not want strangers to see us and think she was.

It just rubs in the possibility that
a woman might be a bad mother to one child,
a good mother to another.
It might be you, in other words, and not her. You might have been hated by your mother from birth simply because of some genetic factor you came in with.

I am being jealous, bitter, angry, and immature.
But only for a moment. It's out and I'll go about my day as a normal adult now.

a reply to: Bluesma

I overcame that by looking at her as if she was someone's child now I can tolerate her

I don't believe in just because they made you they are your parents sad when you are the parent to them but I believe you know why she is the way she is forgive & forget

But darn it never stops and it breaks the little me's heart over and over but you get up and dust yourself of. She doesn't deserve a child like you is all I would say

I see where you are coming from and can agree to some extent.

Not ALL mothers, just like not all fathers, perform their duty as a parent to the best of their ability. You shouldn't be praised and placed on a pedestal just for being a parent; those things should come in time after you have devoted yourself to making your child's life the best you can.

I know it's become a bit cliche to repeat, but just like Christmas, Father's Day and Valentine's Day, Mother's Day has become overbearingly commercialised and competitive. It's all about who spoils their mother the most, and who can provide evidence of their efforts on social media and boast about it.

Nevertheless, I am very fortunate to have had a caring and supportive mother myself, and although there were errors in her parenting along the way, I truly believe she went beyond doing the best she knew how.

a reply to: confirmed

Well, she's dead now. But I feel like I was freed and able to finally start my life as my own once she died!
I could stop the hope of one day gaining her love, I could stop living as a slave to her.
That is not a sentiment that is socially acceptable at all.

I was always understanding and compassionate of her problems, but that didn't end my sliver of hope that I could "heal" her by being her punching bag, by not giving up,by forgiving and forgiving, and agreeing to take her abuse to lighten her load...
It caused me to develop the habit of actually being attracted to people who are narcissistic and cruel, because I see their internal suffering it sprouts from.

But after so many years of seeing they never heal, and despite all your compassion, all you get is abused (but it's your own fault, for not walking away), I almost want to be a supporter of the opposite approach - compassion and understanding is overrated. It should be developed, but we should be very careful not to let it drive our choices;

I, too, feel a range of emotions on this day. This "hallmark day" that would be just like any other day if not the constant advertisements, postings, and general talk of mothers.

I have my phone turned off lest I receive drunken and abusive texts and calls from the one who calls herself my mother. I do not have a social media presence, and thankfully she does not know the email address I have used for the past few years. Barring a splintering knock at the door of this house that I'm pretty sure she doesn't know that I live in, I'm fairly sure I can get through the remainder of this day unscathed.

Not every mother out there is a wonderful person.
I will admit that I am envious of those who have a wonderful, or even just a bearable, relationship with their mother. But that is approaching the realm of impossible for me with every passing day and I prefer to not allow such toxicity to be within my life.

I only know that I will be a better mother to my son than my mother was to me.

a reply to: Bluesma

I can easily identify with you.

Even years after my PhD in clinical psych and all the individual and group counseling required of all the students in the program . . . I still had friends who could see from the countenance on my face that my mother had phoned--even when I thought I was doing pretty well.

Mother had a heart of gold to help people. I don't doubt she'd have died to save me.

She was also a master at 'damned if I did and damned if I didn't' negative double bind junk.

And I don't recall many jokes without a slice or barb in them.

And she was more than a little crazy at times and considered disagreement the unpardonable sin and disrespect worthy of being knocked into the next county.

I only learned as an adult that my step-dad took his belt to me as often as he did because mother demanded it of him--even when he didn't think it was necessary. And that when the trampoline coach shook his head at the whelts on my legs, I thought he was angry at me. I only learned 10-15 years later that he was angry at my dad.

etc. etc. etc.

Nevertheless, I knew even at the time that she had a hard life growing up as poor white trash in the South. I knew she had a lot of fears and insecurities. I knew she didn't know any better way to live or mother.

And, eventually, my often confessed FORGIVENESS became more real in my heart and emotions. I stuck to it. I knew at an early age that IF I wanted forgiven for my junk, I HAD to forgive my mother [and my worse Dads, for that matter]. And, with God's help, I finally completed that process. I no longer have a 'high octane ping' at the thought of Dear ole Mother.
.
Bitterness co-relates to arthritis. . . . and other problems.
.
FORGIVENESS IS A MUST and is not admitting or a sign that you think the other person was not responsible for wrong. FORGIVENESS is at least significantly to unhook your life, spirit, mind, soul, body from the poison of the history involved. Leave the other person to God's discipline. He's much better at it.
.
I often have similar thoughts about Mother's day--now, no longer with the angst in my gut. It's more a kind of wistfulness for what might have been.
.
And, I have done what I could all my professional life to help insure that any mothers I had any influence with would be better mothers.
.
Certainly bad mothering can cause attachment disorder just as bad fathering can. I just see so much more devastations from fathers. But mothers are too often single mothers in our era. They are desperately exhausted and have too few coping skills; too few resources; too little patience etc. etc. etc. and the child and the mother suffer . . . as then, does the culture.
.
I wish you well and overcoming in your struggle with such a history and feelings. I strongly encourage you to confess the forgiveness as often as thoughts of mom surface. Eventually the feeling of forgiveness will come, too--however long it takes.
.
Blessings,

originally posted by: Dark Ghost
I know it's become a bit cliche to repeat, but just like Christmas, Father's Day and Valentine's Day, Mother's Day has become overbearingly commercialised and competitive. It's all about who spoils their mother the most, and who can provide evidence of their efforts on social media and boast about it.

So true .... and just like everything that is mass produced it looses its unique value.

I prefer to let actions speak louder than words. ...

a reply to: Bluesma

Certainly one must walk away from such abuse.

No, they won't change--particularly on their own.

Forgiveness must not be mindless and enabling. The guilty must still pay the consequences of their horrible actions. But that may be someone else's responsibility.

It's better, often, imho, to walk away--even run away--forgive from a distance--and with a letter. Even with her being dead--a letter to her might be well in order and a VERY redemptive thing for you to write.

Let the bitterness and urge for vengeance or whatever drain away. Avoid holding the fire in your lap any longer. Avoid holding the poison in your gut any longer. Avoid giving air time in your head to such hideousness any longer.

Cheers,

a reply to: Bluesma

CERTAINLY it is wise to work through the attachment disorder from such a relationship.
.
This is very helpful in doing that:
.
www.amazon.com...=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462695629&sr=1-1&keywords=ATTACHMENT+SIBCY+CLINTON .
|
.
A truism in the profession has long been--that we try persistently to finish with our spouses and/or our bosses, what we didn't succeed in finishing with our parents. Too true.
.
That's the reason we compulsively are attracted to the same miserable sort of personality and character flaws found in our disordered and dysfunctional parents.
.
I'm pulling for you to complete your healing process.
.

edit on 8/5/2016 by BO XIAN because: spacing

I am sorry that you had a bad childhood with a horrible mother. I didn't always get along wonderfully with my own mother although I love her and appreciate the things she did for me.

I am sorry the day makes you bitter.

But no one celebrates Mother's Day with the express intent of making you or others like you feel bad. Should we stop celebrating so you can feel better? Should the rest of us spoil our day because not everyone had a wonderful mother? Mother's Day isn't about you or me or our specific mothers. It's about mothers in general and the women who take the time to be mothering to other children than their own.

What about the children who never knew their mother? Is this day hurtful for them?

Maybe it's not that your problem is as much with Mother's Day as it still is with your mother and you dislike Mother's Day because it tends to remind you of that.

originally posted by: kaelci
I, too, feel a range of emotions on this day. This "hallmark day" that would be just like any other day if not the constant advertisements, postings, and general talk of mothers.

LOL!! The *free* advertising for some business's/people who are

making a lot of money out of another's guilt ... and enabling them

to, by public expression prove shout/show the loudest how good they are, and

how lucky to also have the best Mother that they cannot do it in privacy, but

have to beat their breasts about it very publicly they always need

the oxygen of publicity to validate who they are?

a reply to: eletheia

Ha! I'm celebrating Mother's Day right now. It's nearly 4 am and I should be asleep, but instead I'm awake. My kiddo has a barking, sporadic cough we cannot control. So, surprise! No one can sleep. Happy, Mother's Day.

originally posted by: BO XIAN
a reply to: Bluesma


Mother had a heart of gold to help people. I don't doubt she'd have died to save me.

Isn't that a wierd thing? My mom had a Phd in clinical psychology too. Was a psychotherapist before that. Besides her private pratice, she also taught some university courses, and did a lot of work with my stepdad (psychoanalyst) in groups and workshops.

When she died, my brother and I sat with our mouths hanging open as two hundred students and clients droned on about how wonderful she was. A few of them went on at length about how she would give them a warm hug at the end of every session.
While with her own children, she refused any physical contact, under the excuse that she had a psychological blockage concerning physical affection.

Apparently it only applied to her own children. (my brother and I eclipsed from the whole event and got high, bitched and grumbled behind the bushes.)

Strange how people can have this sort of split in personality concerning those closest to them.

a reply to: Bluesma

ABSOLUTELY INDEED.

I wonder what she'd have said to a client/patient who'd offered that excuse to her for failing to be affectionate with their children! Sheeeh.

I hate hypocrisy of such brazenness on the part of 'experts.'

All the more so in my own profession. Sigh. GRRRR.

Let me at her--I'll give her a piece or 3 of my mind. LOL. Oh, Right. She's dead.

She missed out on so much potentially good.

But that gives you a clue to the deep rot within her from her own huge degree of attachment disorder from her parents. Sigh.

Thanks for your kind reply.

My heart goes out to you.

a reply to: Bluesma

ABSOLUTELY INDEED.

I wonder what she'd have said to a client/patient who'd offered that excuse to her for failing to be affectionate with their children! Sheeeh.

I hate hypocrisy of such brazenness on the part of 'experts.'

All the more so in my own profession. Sigh. GRRRR.

Let me at her--I'll give her a piece or 3 of my mind. LOL. Oh, Right. She's dead.

She missed out on so much potentially good.

But that gives you a clue to the deep rot within her from her own huge degree of attachment disorder from her parents. Sigh.

Thanks for your kind reply.

My heart goes out to you.

originally posted by: Bluesma
a reply to: confirmed

Well, she's dead now. But I feel like I was freed and able to finally start my life as my own once she died!
I could stop the hope of one day gaining her love, I could stop living as a slave to her.
That is not a sentiment that is socially acceptable at all.

I was always understanding and compassionate of her problems, but that didn't end my sliver of hope that I could "heal" her by being her punching bag, by not giving up,by forgiving and forgiving, and agreeing to take her abuse to lighten her load...
It caused me to develop the habit of actually being attracted to people who are narcissistic and cruel, because I see their internal suffering it sprouts from.

But after so many years of seeing they never heal, and despite all your compassion, all you get is abused (but it's your own fault, for not walking away), I almost want to be a supporter of the opposite approach - compassion and understanding is overrated. It should be developed, but we should be very careful not to let it drive our choices;

if i could hit i right now i would my mom died too she did her best but raised 3 boys by herself. i dont know or understand your situation but show some #ing respect for the woman that had you. sorry i might have been out of line

originally posted by: ketsuko
But no one celebrates Mother's Day with the express intent of making you or others like you feel bad. Should we stop celebrating so you can feel better? Should the rest of us spoil our day because not everyone had a wonderful mother?

I'll copy and paste from my OP here-

I don't say anything because obviously I don't want others to think about the less fortunate in the world and feel crappy just because there are others that do.

Though I hadn't really followed on to any sort of determination of what "should be"... I was just venting, because sometimes venting in a safe place makes it easier to live with and accept certain situations (which allows things and others to be "as they are" ).

But if you want to explore what "should be"...um, okay...

I would consider the possibility that the most exaggerated expressions of appreciation might be done less publicly?
I mean, I've been used to it most of my life to the american tradition of making a spectacle of positive emotions to the best of our ability, with gushing, squeeling, screaming and roaring (and now their social media equivalents).

For the first time, I can actually percieve why, in some cultures, this is considered terribly rude, inconsiderate, uncivilized, and shameful! It sort of reeks of false exaggeration (as we believe, our happiness can only be the product of our own choices and willpower, everyone wants to prove their skills and willpower ....)
It sort of seems more sincere to express these sentiments in a more personal direct way, which doesn't make it so obvious to the have-nots that they are, in fact, have-nots...

Mother's Day isn't about you or me or our specific mothers. It's about mothers in general and the women who take the time to be mothering to other children than their own.

Well, like I said, "mothers in general" and "women who take the time be mothering" are not necessarily the same thing.
Which is sort of what gets lost in this public display of commercialization. YOUR mom, if she took the time to mother, is SPECIAL. It is NOT all mothers. THAT should be what you reflect on, and appreciate her for, and let her know.

What about the children who never knew their mother? Is this day hurtful for them?

I don't know. You'd have to ask them. But I suspect it is not the holiday itself that might cause pain, but the exaggerated public ways people celebrate it?

Maybe it's not that your problem is as much with Mother's Day as it still is with your mother and you dislike Mother's Day because it tends to remind you of that.

Very good. You got it! I didn't totally fail to comunicate clearly!
I am glad the day exists... I am a mother, I appreciate that my kids called me and are coming over today.
But I am also glad they didn't put up a bunch of public displays about it on social media, or in front of friends. But they were not raised in America so tend to be more discrete and sincere on such things.

a reply to: Bluesma

Never forget the sons/daughters with parents like that

You don't even know how many people you helped by saying it's ok to not like your parents it's the most difficult and painful thing to disattach from your parents

Please keep reaching out to people who are in those situations I know you save/d someone so much heartache

You know be proud there are so many who end up bitter till the end ( I know the people who would come here say things like we should be greateful for having them as however they come but these are people who lost them early or whatever, I love your rant, rant on.. On the other side I am sorry she is gone as any normal person would have compassion for that)

Maybe I've missed something, but reading several of your OPs about your family, I get the impression they are not good people and have made you feel unloved, unwanted and a burden on them.

Here's an honest question : Why are you still around them? If your stepmother is so terrible, why are you even bothering to waste your time with her?
I have/had several family members who doted on their own kids, while being perfect monsters to the rest of us. For example, when we were little, I had an Aunt's kids could have several glasses of milk at dinner, all the rest of us got one small glass and if you ran out before you were through eating, tough. She would not even give us water. She applied this type of treatment to everything.
Her kids were angels, even though they were actually the worst behaved of all of us and the rest of us were treated barely suppressed hatred. She even tried to continue that type of thing when I became a teenage, going so far as to actually threaten me when I would just get what I wanted on my own. She would only do it when other parents were not there and if we said anything, she would make up stories of how she was just punishing us for something we did.

When I became an adult, she tried to be friendly and tell me it was all for my own good. In front of the whole family, I told her she was nothing but an evil, manipulative, raging bitch [ and much worse ] and the farther she stayed from me the better it would be for her.
In short, I got rid of those kinds of people. I know many say "But, their family" Screw that. If they or any one else is making your life harder than it has to be, shake'em off. Stop letting these people make your life miserable and you feel as if you're the odd man out. If your book club friends are offended or shocked because they are too thick to realize not everyone has a loving mother, maybe you need smarter friends.

I understand so well how you feel Bluesma.I also had an extremely abusive mother who caused me a lot of emotional and psychological damage.Took me about my whole 51 years to recover from it.Well i was adopted into a Very strange and very unsuitable -to -adopt- a -baby type of family.As i got older i saw that her 2 adult sons were very broken and damaged people too,able to conduct a normal life only as far as keeping a job went.Will continue in edit window im on cell.

Sorry about that its tricky from cell sometimes.Anyway point being-even since earliest childhood i wanted to be a mother myself,i had a Lot of love to pour out.And today i am with my own children who love me dearly because i am an extremely loving and supportive mom.I think our childhoods have taught us very well what Not to do,you know? And what to Absolutely do-insofar as raising happy well adjusted children go,children who have the security of Knowing they are loved.Our children's love for us is the best revenge,in a way,you know? It shows we rose above and did better.