posted on May, 8 2016 @ 09:31 AM
I have become a bit bitter towards Mother's Day over the years. Jealousy, more or less being the reason. Social media does nothing but fuel that
bitterness with everyone posting pictures with their mothers and I am unable to do that.
I lost my mom in 2005. I was 23 years old, she was 53. She lived with a lifetime of poor health due to getting Rheumatoid Arthritis in her early 20's
from a job injury. The many years of prescription meds that she was on to manage this condition ultimately destroyed her. My entire life up until she
passed was sitting back and watching her fade away and not a thing I could do about it. It's like watching some one die with cancer, but in super slow
motion with weight gain instead of loss.
I never got to give my mother a proper goodbye despite being at her bedside for a month at the end. She was in a medically induced coma the entire
time. She was diagnosed with Diabetes 6 months before being hospitalized for setting up cellulitis in her legs. They gave her routine treatment to
drain off the built up fluid, but she had a reaction to it and it shut down her kidneys. I was living 600 miles away in Ohio, I received the call and
was on the road home 20 mins later.
The following almost 30 days turned out to be the worst days I've ever encountered thus far in my life. 30 days, 2 hospitals, and a domino effect of
kidney failure, Rx med withdraws, psychosis, broken bones from flailing about from the pain when they tried multiple times to bring her out from
sedation, unable to keep oxygen levels up, setting up congestive heart failure, but unable to do anything about it as she was too big to fit on the op
table, other organs failing, being put on life support. I was a my wits end and when you think things can't get much worse, but you're still holding
on to that hope, BAM!!! The doctors drop the big decision on your plate. To "pull the plug" or not to "pull the plug" that is the question.
23 year old sons should not have to make those decisions for their mother. Everyone is all like "she is suffering, end her suffering, its not fair for
her bla bla bla" but at the end of the day, they are not the one that has to carry that decision with them for the rest of their life. Like a
festering wound that never heals and consumes any and all empathy that I have.
The big question is how long. How long after we take her off till she passes. Doctors told me matter of mins. I told them good luck with that because
my mom was a fighter and the strongest woman I have ever known. They ASSURED me that she was already gone that the machine was all that was keeping
her alive. Boy were they ever wrong. They pulled the tubes and gave her a little morphine for comfort. A few mins came and gone. Soon it was an hour,
then two, then THREE. The whole time she was twitching, struggling, gasping, gargling for air. At about hour six, they had given her enough morphine
to pretty much stop her heart. Six f***ing hours of watching my mom like that. That's what I chose to do to her. That's the last memory's I have of
her. That's the BS I have to carry with me the rest of my life.
Moral of the story, is a big F.U. to mothers day. I hate it. I hate that I was dealt a such a terrible life card like this as it's not fair to my
wife, the mother of our daughter, that I feel this way. I do my best to put my feelings aside for her sake as its not her fault, nor is it her
problem, but sometimes its REALLY tough.
For those folks that do still have their mothers with them. Good for you. Cherish it, love it, enjoy it, bathe in it. I would give anything in the
world to be able to have told my mom that I loved her one more time, but I was stripped of that.
Tell your moms you love them everyday. Never take them for granted. You don't want to live with having missed that chance.