originally posted by: Obtain
a reply to: BO XIAN
This is a long-winded question (but you and your wife seem to have a wonderful marriage, my parents divorced when I was 3 and had pretty poor parental
So if you would have/ do have children
What kind of relationship advice would you give them and what kind of partner would you want for your kids
Thanks for the honor of your comments and of your questions. I'll see what I can do to reply meaningfully.
1. My wife left me after 9 years around 1981/82 to marry her co-worker. He was much more of a macho man. 9 years later, she divorced him. I don't know
what she had about 9 years. I don't know what happened after 3rd hubby. LOL.
2. My parents divorced when I was 2 years old. It was a horrendous thing/jolt in my life. Both blood dad and step-dad were harsh men. Blood dad was
worse. If I'd had to live with him, I'd probably have shot him and then myself. He had employees at his gasoline stations. He expected them to GUESS
what he wanted done; when he wanted it done and precisely how he wanted it done. If they guessed slightly wrong, there was hell to pay from him.
Crazy. Then he blamed the fact he had high employee turnover on THEM! Sheesh!
3. My own attachment disorder has been a lifelong challenge to overcome. I've made, by God's grace and tons of help and work tremendous progress. At
nearly 70, though, I still get whiff's of its continuing influence in my life.
3.1 MRI studies show literal physiological brain damage in those with serious attachment disorder in 2 brain areas--the area having to do with
managing emotional expression and the area having to do with managing relationships. I now do amazingly above average in both those areas but it has
been a long struggle to get there.
4. REGARDING CHILDREN and their future spouses:
4.1 My values would play a huge part.
A) Pray for your future spouse now--that God is training them to be a perfect match for you; that they be healthy, wise, humble, affectionate, loving,
patient, selfless and hard working at whatever needs to be done.
B) BECOME the sort of perfect spouse for them that you know God would want and honor. Become maximally humble, wise, affectionate, loving, patient,
selfless and hard working at whatever needs to be done. Have a servant-hearted attitude (without unfitting groveling or demeaning yourself) toward
them as unto Yeshua/Christ.
C) THEN--follow your heart. Find--rather ask God to bring to you--the one HE KNOWS who would 'light your fire.' Not only sexually, but more important
your heart of affection, devotion and delight in your spouse-to-be. Find someone you'd want to open your heart to and your experience of life and the
world to day in and day out for the rest of your life.
D) Find someone that you could count it a true honor and joy to shoulder all that life might and will throw at you come rain or come shine. Find
someone you could find it easy to 'promise the moon to' then work hard to deliver all you could on that promise--with joy.
E) Find someone who shares your values, your beliefs, your basic attitude toward God and life; notions of right and wrong; a basic work ethic in the
foundationally key areas. Then find someone who is a great contrast and balance to you in 2-3 areas. Maybe you are pedantic and they are super
spontaneous. Maybe you love to talk and they love to listen. Then be very patient when they do too much of what you like most.
F) Find someone who can stand on their own feet without being co-dependent, chronically helpless or clingy. Yet, who can accept help when needed
G) Check out their degree of attachment disorder and from what causes. Insure most of that has been worked through or determine with God that you and
your future spouse will win those battles redemptively as soon as workable, regardless.
H) Run away from someone who has serious attachment disorder with mostly a huge lack of insight and lack of humility about it.
I) It's not essential but helps a lot if the other person has a similar sleep pattern. Lots of morning people marry lots of night people but it's a
challenge in their daily lives. It works better if both are one or the other--usually.
J) INSURE that both of you share the basic values and expectations about having kids and how to raise them.
I think I'll stop there. That's probably enough food for thought. I hope I've spoken to what you wanted me to speak to.
Re: EQ brilliant finally someone mentioned it IQ is so biased without life experience and EQ . My intelligence is supprest by EQ (I am an empath)
often that is mistaken for weakness and other misunderstanding, people make so many biased assumptions about me it's not normal (hence the luck of EQ
in some people is astounding)
Yeah, that's common--lots of folks are clueless about such things. There's so little great parenting on such scores. Little to no training on such
things. Dr Murray Banks in WHAT TO DO UNTIL THE PSYCHIATRIST COMES (YouTube) talks about how schools don't teach such things--but teach things instead
that help you get to the funny farm faster. LOL.
I don't know how suppressed your IQ might be. Maybe you merely need to learn a wider variety of ways to let it show or be expressed. EQ is a type of
IQ in most solid professionals' constructions on such reality.
Next question : thoughts on unconditional love
That's a great but tricky topic, imho.
Dr Murray Banks says "Would you plant a tree in your yard and say 'tree, promise me you'll love me forever. Even though I nip you in the bud, promise
me . . . "
Almighty God Yehovah demonstrated unconditional love in that while we were lost in our flaws, idolatries and rebellions, He still sent His 'only
begotten Son' (whatever that means) to die for us that we might be rejoined to The Father in eternal intimacy.
Yet, He still expects us who have accepted Christ's covering for our waywardness by His Blood to cooperate with Him toward becoming all that He
designed for us to be originally.
That's a hard act to follow.
I think we come closest to unconditional love when we love our children--maybe any children. Maybe when we love a dog--particularly maybe a helpless
child or dog.
Our selfish, !ME! !ME! !ME! society seems to think of unconditional love as a mental illness.
It's not. It's a demonstration that God has worked an increasing miracle in our hearts--with our cooperation.
I've loved a lot of people that I'd have been willing to die for. It originally arose out of my extreme isolation and desperate need for connection.
But it also arose out of hearing a sermon as a 7th grader about I Cor 13 and asking God to help me love like Jesus loved. He's been answering that
prayer the whole rest of my life--often with startling and heavy duty results.
And, praying to be able to love like Jesus or to have wisdom or to have patience--each of those prayers results in the same heavy duty tuition
'school' of very hard knocks. The refiners fires get quite hot along that road. Sometimes they are hot for prolonged times. Only HIS GRACE SUSTAINS
and keeps one alive through such refiners' fires.
There's nothing more fulfilling than loving God unreservedly and then turning around and sharing His love in one's own heart for others