2 Words That Will Improve Your Marriage {Fight Fair}

February 8, 2015 by Alida
at The Realistic Mama
"I'm a blogger, a wife, and a mama. My husband Corey and I have 2 kiddos who we can't get enough of.

My favorite things include: the beach, photography, and of course chocolate."

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www.therealisticmama.com...
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I remember that moment, our first fight as a married couple. It was something small that had escalated and snowballed. As we argued back and forth, I worked myself up and started yelling. My husband was upset but he wasn’t yelling back, which made me furious. So I screamed at him “Why won’t you yell? We need to fight this out!” He just looked at me and told me I needed to be done, that until I could talk to him without screaming, nothing more needed to be said.
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I was shocked. I didn’t even know what to do.
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I’ve put the word FIGHT FAIR [emphasis added] on my wall because I’m a visual person. And why not use the walls of my house as a place to remind me and help me become a better person?
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So what does it mean to FIGHT FAIR?
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Fights are for solving problems, not creating new ones.
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Fights are not for breaking the other person down.
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This is the first article I've seen on this topic in recent years.

I think it could have been longer but it gets the message across.

I think that a part of 'fighting fair' involves good communications habits:

1. Make "I" statements that take responsibility for your own thoughts, views and feelings:

"I feel ____________ when you ______________."
"I need __________________."
"I want __________________."
"I like it when you _______________."
"I feel uncomfortable when _______________."
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2. Avoid making "You" statements:
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"You are so stupid."
"You make me feel so mad."
"You always pull the same mean stunt."
"You never come home on time."
"You never stop whining."
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3. Above (2.) also shows destructive communications word choices with "make me feel . . . " No one has the power to force you to feel anything--unless you have given them that power. When you realize that, you can take that power back. You can take charge and responsibility for your own feelings.
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4. Avoid the use of "always" and "never." They are virtually always untrue and destructive.
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5. If it's too hot and sensitive to continue at the moment, make an appointment to come back and continue it after 3-4 hours or even after 24 hours. Generally, I prefer to try and solve relationship problems before going to bed every day. Sometimes, the other person is not open to doing so and one HAS to wait.
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6. Determine ahead of time as a lifelong commitment to each other that the goal in wrestling through issues is to heal and improve the relationship--not to WIN and not to put the other person down and not to !!!CONTROL!!! the other person.
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7. I prefer to think of such times as vigorous problem-solving vs a fight. There's a lack of sufficient unity for ideal harmony. So something needs to change. The task is to negotiate the change with mutual respect.
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8. Insecurity based [originated in attachment disorder the first 6 years of life) ARROGANCE/PRIDE, !!!CONTROL!!!-FREAKISM, intimidation, passive/aggressive games, cashing in an old closet full of negative chips and resentments . . . all such have no place in working out a healed, improved relationship.
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9. Both parties can have the goal that before the dialogue concludes, both parties must feel better about themselves and the other person and the relationship.
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10. Do any of you have any 'fair fight' narratives to share? Or the opposite?

a reply to: BO XIAN

NIce thread with some great info. Bo Xian, you are like our ATS Resident Marriage Counselor, lol thanks for the wisdom (another one to add to your growing list of helpful threads)

Awwww Shucks, Gwarsh. THANKS.

You are a treasured encouragement.

At this senior stage of my life . . . retired with sufficient time on my hands, I simply cannot sit silently if there's something I could share that even MIGHT be of help/value to hurting individuals and relationships.

And, even where individuals and relationships are not in significant pain--why not share whatever might make things STILL BETTER?

Thanks for being an 'angel' in my life.

Do you have any input that you care to share, on fighting fairly vs unfairly from people you have watched or your own life and relationships?


Cheers.

a reply to: BO XIAN

ok...I'm game.


We're all works in progress. If you aren't addressing your own crap you really haven't got a leg to stand on in bringing the drama with anyone else.

If you can't sort out what's "your #" versus what's the "other party's #" there is virtually no sense in having a fight to begin with.

Ridiculous anecdote time....feel free to go to the fridge or romp around the internet


Back in the early days of my second marriage during a couple of very heated scream-fests it came out in the wash.
I was literally screaming about stuff my first husband had done, and Hubby was equally trashing me over stuff his first wife did. AWESOME!!

We had to actually STFU and sit down and ponder this.
Thats what actually Ko'd the fight.
Individually cause we still we too hot to speak to each other. A day or so later we did talk about it and acknowledge we had some very unsavory baggage.

Not that we didn't disagree ever after or things were all unicorns and rainbows, but we did agree to ground rules. The first of which was only blame the other person for crap they actually did.

This was just a start, we had more scream-fests, some silliness ( altho no hands were ever raised) there was the pancake batter incident ( him), the painting & laundry incidents ( more him) and me moving out into the yard in a tent for awhile to make my point. Over all we had 30 really cool years together.

The kids recall ALL our worst moments with great glee now that they are adults and have families of their own. What they talk about most is we never gave up and stayed together. Really...bless their tiny little black hearts the kids remember EVERYTHING! (dammit)

Altho thats pretty cool in it's own right.

a reply to: Caver78

What a wonderful narrative! THANKS THANKS.

Love it. That is soooooooooo tellingly typical.

Yup. Kids watch closely! And usually remember far too well.

CONGRATS on learning to set more sensible ground rules.

A question . . . on a scale of 0-100 . . .

How much attachment disorder do you think hubby had--particularly due to his father--and the same for you--particularly due to your father?

A decent summary definition--INADEQUATE, INSUFFICIENT quality love and affection to the point of solid emotional loving bonding with each child--father to child--from 0-6 years old . . . and hopefully thereafter.

a reply to: BO XIAN

or Sorry Honey!

a reply to: forthelove

A heart-felt "I am sorry--I was wrong. Please forgive me." is a mature statement.

INDEED.