Resolution Tips: Are you in the middle of a dispute? These tips might be helpful.

DISPUTE RESOLUTION CENTER OF KING COUNTY

.
kcdrc.org...://www.kcdrc.org/resources/resolution-tips/#
.

1. Step back and slow down
.
Most of us repeat unhelpful behaviors in conflicts because we are unaware of what we are doing
We can only change habits through awareness
Plan what you want to say to avoid saying something that will escalate a conflict
.
2. Be clear about your intentions and goals for the conversation
.
If your most important goal is to win, blame or change the other party, the conflict will probably escalate, no matter what skills you use
If your intention is to blame or change others, you don’t learn how to prevent the problem from repeating itself
Only begin a conversation about a conflict in order to learn something new, express your views and feelings, or to problem-solve.
.
. . .
.
3. Listen first to understand—ask questions to explore the other person’s story
.
. . .
.
4. Express strong feelings without blame
.
. . .
.
5. Be aware of how your own self image might make you more defensive
.
. . .
.
6. Take responsibility for your assumptions
.
. . .
.
7. Find common ground
.
. . .
.
[more at the link with their elaborations]

I think this is an excellent list of steps and strategies.

Of course, folks need to WANT a resolution vs vengeance, retaliation, justification for nastiness, etc.

However, a LOT more conflicts COULD be constructively resolved than many people imagine. Most folks just have no clue nor skills as to how to go about it at all--much less successfully. This list of items could be a huge help.

And, even in cases where the prognosis is not great--an earnest effort could do wonders.

And what is there to lose but some worthless destructive pride, anyway. May as well give it a good college try. Greater things could come from such a constructive effort.

I read similar advice like this years ago when I had anger issues. This stuff really helps, and it is true that awareness is a key step towards solving the conflicts. Too many people unfortunately are not honest enough to admit they may be part of the problem. If one cannot be honest with ones self, then it will be nearly impossible to overcome the conflicts of the relationship.

Life gets alot easier when at least one party can look within from an honest unbiased viewpoint to better understand our own faults. I like it!

Star and FLAG!

Funny, i just opened this thread after a huge fight with my significant other; I feel like I want to kill him right now but luckily he went to work.
Is not easy to keep a clear mind when things are burning hot. Is not easy to do what they say " step back and slow down". Going over that list I realize on how many points I did it wrong, and that is bitter-funny, cause I'm still angry like hell.
However is an interesting read, and maybe someday in a far away future I will succeed to remember that list in a middle of a damn fight.

a reply to: AmericanRealist

ABSOLUTELY INDEED.

THANKS MUCH for your candid comments.

Certainly vulnerability and humility are related. And both are necessary for healed relationships and strong relationships.

THX.

a reply to: WhiteHat

Thanks for your honesty.

It IS important to learn to 'fight fair.'

--Avoid "always" and "never."

--Avoid "You . . . . " statements. e.g. "You always make me sick." "You never come home on time." "You're always such a jerk." "You never pay any attention to me." "You're so selfish."

--Try to avoid labeling the person as a whole. Talk about specific actions, specific behaviors and how they leave you FEELING about him; about yourself; about the relationship.


Instead make "I" statements:

--"When you __Describe BEHAVIOR--ACTIONS__ I FEEL _USE A FEELING WORD(s)_____."

--Use "I need . . . " and "I want . . . " statements.

--Avoid questions--particularly "Why" questions--they feel like you have your pointy finger on the other person's sternum and are yelling at them, blaming them. Instead put it like:

--"I'd really like to understand your reasoning for _____(describe actions, behavior)___"
or

--"I'd really like to see through your eyes regarding __________________. Please help me to do that."

--Then REALLY make the effort to see it from the other person's perspective.

etc. etc.

a reply to: BO XIAN

Yeppers - can't change anybody else.

Nice Post.

a reply to: BO XIAN

I'm contemplating a tough conversation I need to have soon, glad I saw this, it will help. Thank you

a reply to: WhiteHat

I hope y'all do better and better at majoring in majors and minoring in minors.

The older I've gotten, the more I have learned that a ton of stuff and issues is just not worth even quibbling about.

I used to throw a mild fit when the wife put a short thing in the frige on a shelf for tall things--taking up space that a tall thing would or might need! Sheesh.

At least we had the good sense to get two toothpaste tubes! LOL.

a reply to: Vdubya

Glad to hear that.

Feel free to U2U me with any specific questions you might have.

I think the guidelines are quite good.