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How To Turn Around A Damaged Relationship

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posted on Apr, 30 2016 @ 12:06 PM
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By Guest Post On 3/23/2015 in Life, Relationships, The Daily Positive
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"Why are we so ready to walk away from people and never look back? What thinking has convinced us that people aren’t as important as we thought?"
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thedailypositive.com...
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When it comes to relationships these days, it seems just about everyone is packing around a lighter and a stick of dynamite.
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I’m just protecting myself, our internal voice whispers. But all we’re really doing is shrinking our world one relationship at a time, living in an ever-diminishing sphere of our own “rightness”.
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Without meaningful relationships, people can still grow, they just can’t mature.


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When we pause to consider what is truly involved in discovering meaning and purpose in life, wisdom teaches us that, in the end, the only things that have lasting, intrinsic value, are the relationships we have.
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. . .
It’s a fact of the human condition – genuine, lasting joy can’t be found outside of relationship. And that is why the wisest of people endeavor to turn around even damaged relationships.
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. . .

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My notes:

1. Reach out first--initiate
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2. Humility trumps a lot of pooh. Speak softly.
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3. Determine beforehand to not get hooked.
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4. Admit your own flaws, wrongs, part.
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5. Lay percentage expectations aside.
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6. Glib "I'm sorry's" aren't sufficient. [One church I went to didn't allow "I'm sorry's" Folks had to say "I repent" and mean it!] Be heart-felt in your own confessions and regrets.
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7. . . .
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8. [more at the link]

= = =

I think this is an excellent article.
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imho, RELATIONSHIPS ARE PRICELESS. And, increasingly they will be crucial and life-saving--as most orientals have long known.
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I was very moved my 15 years living in SE Asia to realize that even the poor were very skilled in RELATIONSHIPS. And many of them were rich in their mutually rewarding relationships--and they knew it and maintained them accordingly.
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I think the article is right--we can't be fulfilled or deeply joyful in lasting ways outside of relationships.
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I think this article is an important one for those who have grown weary of 'throw-away' relationships . . . who fear yet more pain and rejection.
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There is no Love without pain. But the pain can 'hurt good' when we persist in healing, restoring, maintaining worthwhile relationships.
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And when we chronically, persistently tend to 'only' run and hide from potential hurt, pain, fear, memories . . . our world gets smaller and smaller and eventually one ends up on a tiny closed box with no doors or windows . . . yet somehow managing to spew poison all around . . . and then wondering why no one bothers to come in for tea.
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posted on Apr, 30 2016 @ 12:13 PM
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a reply to: BO XIAN

I think it is more that when we are betrayed by someone whom we trusted, whom we shared intimite secrets with it actually hurts in a way so that we often blame ourselves as well.

We in essence become a different person because of this and at an emotional and psychological level we defend ourselves by rejecting them then in a kind of allergic reaction for there action against us which we find toxic, family we can eventually forgive but not former friend's when what they have done is exceedingly serious.

Lovers are more like family in this though and any relationship, lover's, friend's or other is in trouble when only one side is fully participating, it is often best to recognise this in ourselve's but that is not always easily done but if we are fortunate enough to see it and detect it then a withdrawel in the relationship by ourselves or other party may be best solution in the short to medium term, if it does not mend itself then we become amicable aquaintance long before friend's turn into enemy's so walk away or distance those friendship's a little more and try to treat them more strategically, not a very human notion but a sensible one.

Human relationship's though are incredibly complex thing's, they are at there best when based on cooperative need and shared factor's as well as when we share commonality but often at there worst when they become a competition or we head off in different direction's.

And betrayal is the worst of all thing's which can sometime's simply never be forgiven fully no matter what as forgiveness is almost like saying it was not there fault when in our heart's the dagger is still being twisted so though even if we force ourselves to forgive them it still hurt's litterally for ever.
Oh to be able to forgive like our lord did.

edit on 30-4-2016 by LABTECH767 because: (no reason given)



posted on Apr, 30 2016 @ 12:19 PM
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It's been my experience with my exwives that as soon as I made some serious money, they were ready to forgive my indiscretions and be friends and lovers all over again.

Curious that....



posted on Apr, 30 2016 @ 12:20 PM
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It is hard. A friend of ours in college allowed himself to be used to break up a marriage, and we all warned him not to, to do the honorable thing and wait for it to break up first. He didn't listen and let himself be caught in a compromising position such that it provided the excuse for the marriage to end.

His cavalier attitude toward that marriage and his role in its break up felt like such a deep, personal betrayal of our own marriage and marriage stood for that I still don't feel like I've really gotten past it.

He ended up married to her and she did the same to him in due time of course.
edit on 30-4-2016 by ketsuko because: (no reason given)

edit on 30-4-2016 by ketsuko because: (no reason given)



posted on Apr, 30 2016 @ 12:26 PM
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THANKS FOR YOUR EXCELLENT POINTS. My comments below.


originally posted by: LABTECH767
a reply to: BO XIAN

I think it is more that when we are betrayed by someone whom we trusted, whom we shared intimate secrets with it actually hurts in a way so that we often blame ourselves as well.


Betrayal is certainly hard to overcome. AND, IF the person is truly a toxic person unable and/or unwilling to grow out of such 'carp,' then it may be essential to cut one's losses and move on.

I'm not contending in the OP that one needs to hang around in truly hopeless relationships or truly hopelessly destructive relationships.

However, there are a lot of relationships that could be mended and deserve to be mended.



We in essence become a different person because of this and at an emotional and psychological level we defend ourselves by rejecting them then in a kind of allergic reaction for there action against us which we find toxic, family we can eventually forgive but not former friend's when what they have done is exceedingly serious.


TOO TRUE.

HOWEVER, I believe the Lord's prayer: "Forgive us as we forgive them . . ." is absolutely eternally crucial, required, the minimum for health and hope in this life and in the next.

It is not always easy.

And, it is NOT for the other person--it is to take the poison out of our own hearts, emotions, minds . . .

And the feelings may not come quickly. But forgiveness is most of all a DECISION. And, it may have to be a repeated decision EVERY TIME the negative memory comes to mind. Eventually, the 'high octane ping' will go away and forgiveness will be complete--all the more so and all the faster when we ask God to help make it so by doing HIS inner surgery on our hearts and memories.



Lovers are more like family in this though and any relationship, lover's, friend's or other is in trouble when only one side is fully participating, it is often best to recognise this in ourselve's but that is not always easily done but if we are fortunate enough to see it and detect the withdrawel in the relationship by the other party it may then be best to walk away or to distance our friendship's a little more.


Certainly there's a time to walk away.

I just hate seeing important relationships wither on the bruised vine or get trashed unfittingly or needlessly.



Human relationship's though are an incredibly complex thing's, they are at there best when based on cooperative need and shared factor's but often at there worst when the become a competition or we head off in different direction's.


Competition can be a death-knell for lots of relationships. And it's sad and cheap when it's so.

And, sometimes people do grow apart given changing priorities and values.

I'm not advocating to needlessly try and make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Worthless will likely end up worthless at the end of however many days of trying to make it otherwise.

I just hate folks to label something worthless that has a lot of rich history and a lot more potential for a richer future.



And betrayal is the worst of all thing's which can sometime's simply never be forgiven no matter what as forgiveness is almost like saying it was not there fault when in our heart's the dagger is still being twisted.
Oh to be able to forgive like our lord did.


Yeah, BETRAYAL can be horrendous. Nevertheless, Yeshua forgave even His crucifiers. And, HE CAN and will help us to forgive, restore and go on to deeper and better treasures in even very wounded relationships--IF--we will humble ourselves and persistently try.

Thanks for your kind & perceptive comments.



posted on Apr, 30 2016 @ 12:27 PM
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a reply to: olaru12

When money walk's out the door, love flies out the window.

And Ketsuko, I have seen that too many time's to count, avoided getting used like that myself a few time's as well when I was much younger (and slimmer).



posted on Apr, 30 2016 @ 12:28 PM
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a reply to: ketsuko

Sorry to hear of that contamination in your life by such behavior and grief.

Yup. Folks just tend to believe that "What goes around, comes around" is true only for

"THOSE IDIOTS--OVER THERE!"

Sigh.

We all tend to reap what we sow. Particularly without persistent repentance and earnest efforts to do better and differently.



posted on Apr, 30 2016 @ 12:34 PM
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originally posted by: olaru12
It's been my experience with my exwives that as soon as I made some serious money, they were ready to forgive my indiscretions and be friends and lovers all over again.

Curious that....


It is a fact that many relationships end due to money fights (according to financial institutions). But when money is good the couple remains together, but when money is bad....divorce.



posted on Apr, 30 2016 @ 12:36 PM
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a reply to: BO XIAN

Absolutely correct, it is very hard though, take my former best friend, we shared our childhood's together and remained close friends right up to our thirty's but he obtained some information about a fraud case my mother was fighting (she had been robbed of an inheritance) and then he stuck the knife into our back, now this was a guy I regarded as a brother at the emotional level but he used that information to gain money for himself and passed information to the other party's involved, including as we later found out his uncle whom was a solicitor.

Can't go into all the detail's but you understand, Jude as a trusted family friend as well and I may never be able to forgive but I do pray for the ability to do so.

Now I can forgive the woman whom have betrayed or used me in the past far easier, even laugh about it now but not a former friend as it just dug too deep, I would have put my life on the line for him or his kid's, or his wife and this was how he acted in a fashion which harmed my mother and by that myself, I do blame myself for being so trusting as I was too open having known him, or thought that I did all my life.

But we live and learn and God has his lesson's to impart upon us.



posted on Apr, 30 2016 @ 12:39 PM
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a reply to: Skywatcher2011

It's not the money. It's the couple's willingness to work through it.

We've had our share of bad money times, and it just takes an understanding that the money is the money. You have to work on your priorities.

But is suppose if you place money on a pedestal and can't agree on things, then it will ruin your life. You can't be too materialistic and start chalking up who bought what for whom or you will go nuts.



posted on Apr, 30 2016 @ 12:43 PM
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a reply to: LABTECH767

WOW. OUCH!

Not knowing the case . . . and from this distance . . . I still care enough about you to exhort you . . .

Forgive him regardless.

Choose to. It's not about feelings.

And, I've seen over and over--WHEN we forgive--it somehow frees God up to DISCIPLINE HIM MUCH MORE FORCEFULLY THAN YOU EVER COULD.

It's as though that while we are unforgiving, God keeps His hands--even his hands of discipline--off.

It's NOT saying the other guy was right. It's NOT saying the other guy was less than a demonized scoundrel. It's NOT saying the issue was less than horrendous and deeply violating, evil.

It's merely saying that you have decided to do the Godly thing and take the dagger of his poison out of your head and out of your heart and lay it at God's feet for God to deal with.

You cannot--canNOT succeed at playing detective, arresting officer, prosecuting atny, jury, judge and executioner. You cannot. God will simply not allow that.

HE INSISTS THAT VENGEANCE IS HIS. And HE IS very jealous about that turf being HIS.

Stop giving his poison air-time in your heart and head. FORGIVE HIM DOGGEDLY, IF NECESSARY. Persist at confessing forgiveness every time the thought comes up.

You can be CERTAIN he will reap what he has sown--with painful interest added on.



posted on Apr, 30 2016 @ 12:45 PM
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a reply to: ketsuko

ABSOLUTELY INDEED.

Money and sex arguments seem to reign in too many relationships.

And usually--those are covers for deeper problems involving intense levels of

--insecurity
--pride
--selfishness
--fear
--brittleness
--low self-worth.

Often, extensive or at least some minimal amounts of therapy are needed to overcome such 'carp.'



posted on Apr, 30 2016 @ 12:57 PM
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originally posted by: ketsuko
a reply to: Skywatcher2011

It's not the money. It's the couple's willingness to work through it.

We've had our share of bad money times, and it just takes an understanding that the money is the money. You have to work on your priorities.

But is suppose if you place money on a pedestal and can't agree on things, then it will ruin your life. You can't be too materialistic and start chalking up who bought what for whom or you will go nuts.


Times and views are different for the Gen X/Y and Millenials...in today's age and economy it all comes down to money. Like it or not...lack of money TODAY ruins relationships. Everyone expects instant gratification these days. The days of past romancing ways are OVER. We all live very busy lives...and making money to support a healthy relationship is very important. Otherwise, a couple living together in a cardboard box is probably the way to go if money not an issue.



posted on Apr, 30 2016 @ 12:59 PM
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Forgiving is a weird thing.

As you need to forgive someone else. In fact it is not about the other it is about yourself. It is about accepting the reality that exists (or existed) and move on or grow past that. Without forgiving it is hard to change yourself and let go of the negative experiences.

Took a while before I got that. I had to allow myself to forgive a lot of people, eventually I did. That doesn't mean I want them back in my life again.



posted on Apr, 30 2016 @ 01:15 PM
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a reply to: Dumbass

ABSOLUTELY INDEED.

Growth can be as slow as tree rings many times.

And, lots of folks not only do not deserve to be back in our lives . . . it would be destructive for all concerned, if they were.

Nevertheless, many diamonds in the rough have been polished after forgiveness . . . and gone on to brighten the lives of those they once devastated.



posted on Apr, 30 2016 @ 01:17 PM
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originally posted by: Dumbass

Took a while before I got that. I had to allow myself to forgive a lot of people, eventually I did. That doesn't mean I want them back in my life again.


Exactly. Just because you forgive, doesn't mean you have to forget.



posted on Apr, 30 2016 @ 01:18 PM
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a reply to: Skywatcher2011

Certainly the INSTANT GRATIFICATION thing has brought havoc, devastations, mangled relationships, cheap mentalities, pettiness, whiney habits, the worst of materialism, poisonous thought habits, . . . etc. etc. upon millions of hapless souls.

Lots of things lastingly worthwhile take time. Many, lots of time.

Thanks for your thoughtful inputs.



posted on Apr, 30 2016 @ 01:20 PM
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a reply to: Autorico

I don't know if it's about 'forgetting' or about wisdom.

I'm happy to forget slights and even horrific devastations--who NEEDS to carry such baggage in their hearts or memories!--I just happen to have an above average interpersonal memory--particularly about verbalized things. Age may erode that somewhat. We shall see before too many more years. LOL.

It's just that some folks have not grown much beyond where they were when they committed the horrific deed. Some have grown worse. It would be lunacy to invite such poison back into one's life--even when forgiveness has been genuine and heart-felt.



posted on Apr, 30 2016 @ 01:43 PM
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originally posted by: Skywatcher2011

originally posted by: olaru12
It's been my experience with my exwives that as soon as I made some serious money, they were ready to forgive my indiscretions and be friends and lovers all over again.

Curious that....


It is a fact that many relationships end due to money fights (according to financial institutions). But when money is good the couple remains together, but when money is bad....divorce.


My marriages didn't dissolve because of money problems but I know that is the cause in many instances.

I can only blame myself for being a drunken, druggy, selfish jerk, more in love with the rock and roll, saloon society life style than being a good husband and provider. I don't blame my ex's for not putting up with that BS.

Now that I have matured and developed into a much nicer guy; my relationships have improved for everyone concerned.



posted on Apr, 30 2016 @ 06:03 PM
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a reply to: BO XIAN

Thank you, I shall indeed try and what you say is absolutely correct, here is the twist though, I would never wish that on him though I truly wish I had never known the person he became and whatever life did to him to change him so much from the person I believed in once, well it must have soured him inside so I supposed the real dagger of bitterness is already in him.

And you are right about God but forgiveness to gain vengeance is not real forgiveness, it is when we pray for them that God have mercy on them and us and to me repentance is not just saying sorry it is the willingness to undo or never have done if it is possible, sometimes a state that can only be achieved through the lesson's we learn after the event's because non of us are perfect.

So for me what he did to my family's trust was utterly vile but I now know that I never knew the guy, the boy whom I grew up with yes but not the dishonest person he became and that person is an utter stranger to me and someone I never knew, I actually think part of the change began when he stopped believing in God which I think happened a good few years before this betrayal of trust so in essence he lost his moral anchor and even friendship just became another thing to be used.

He was a clever guy though so there was no need for him to do as he did, he even worked for a few years for the UN having attained a Rotary Club Scholarship which helped him to attain an emeritus degree at Brisbain university, he had dropped from his own law degree earlier to marry his first wife whom later accused him of threatening her with a knife (which I actually did not believe at the time but now I just don't know), they divorced and she got custody of there daughter were they had both lived in Sweden and later something he told me worried me for a long time but this was before he did this dirty trick on my family.

He now hated Marcel his ex wife with a vengeance and I actually felt her life was in danger as he kept telling me how big the forrest are in Sweden and how easy it would be to get a hunting rifle and hide her body but I told him that this was not the Jude I had known talking, I berated him angrily and explained that no matter how much HE loved his daughter she actually needed her mother more as indeed like myself he had grown up in a single family raised by HIS mother in Lancashire England, I also explained to him as if he did not know himself that no matter how much Marcel had done to hurt HIM (it was always what she had done to him never what he had done to her) that if any harm ever came to her it would be harm to his daughter and if he loved his daughter he had to forgive his ex wife and put these thought's out of his mind, so it was me preaching forgiveness to my friend at that time but I was so disturbed at how serious I knew that he was that I would have rang Marcel myself had I had her number to stop him performing a stupid and evil act born out of hatred and I believe he knew this by my reaction to what he had confided in me so maybe in his twisted state of mind he thought that I had already betrayed his trust?.

So I guess knowing this with the benefit of hindsight that the person I HAD known was long gone by that time and this Jude whom had gone walk around in Europe for eighteen month's were he eventually survived by stealing breadstick's from italian restaurant table's before finally ringing home and asking for the money for the return flight and had already met Marcel in Paris (she was a Czech born Swedish national - her parent's had escaped with her from communist east europe - and at the time a medical student later she became a doctor in Sweden), and then lived in Sweden were he married her and broke up with her after the four year itch on bad term's but he then stayed on for another six years in Sweden before returning to England were he gained an adult rotary scholarship and used it to fund his belated degree at Brisbain University in Australia but by this time I realize now he was truly was no longer the Jude I had once Known indeed he was a total stranger by this point with our friendship merely a force of familiar habit I suspect and I know now that should have cut ties when I heard him talk like that about his ex but I assumed he may just be suffering from stress at the time though like I said he was pretty convincing and I still recognised the friend I had once known I simply could not see the new psychological appendiges he had developed for what they were.

So I was a fool to still trust him as the friend I had always known because quite simply he was not that person any longer at all but someone else, someone much darker and misguided whom had talked in a way about his ex wife which the Jude I had known but never ever have even contemplated, it was like a coin had flipped and I was seeing the other side which I had never known.

edit on 30-4-2016 by LABTECH767 because: (no reason given)



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