It almost feels like, if I'm able to succeed/do well in my life on the most basic surface levels (I don't do drugs, I'm not in great financial debt-
yet, and even if I plan on going into further debt I fully hope to be able to afford it and pay it off, etc.), then maybe I'm not feeling as suicidal
or bad as I thought I was? And I think that's in part what makes me unbelievable in particular. Like if I was really traumatized, well then
shouldn't I look like it?
The other day someone told me that if everything I said was true then I should be dead or struggling (suicide, or drug addicted)... and even though
the past couple of years have been some of the darkest years of my entire life (not counting the traumatic period in my youth) I still somehow have a
GPA of 3.75 (and that will go up this semester I think) and I paid off my car loan fully and I kept up with other bills and insurances and also I
haven't had any complications managing my new health condition (I was recently diagnosed with an auto-immune disease called Type 1 Diabetes where my
body just randomly started to attack my pancreas, so now I have been manually juggling my blood sugar levels for almost three years without any
seizures or further hospitalization) and there's more responsible stuff that makes me look like a semi (relatively decent actually) functioning
So I think we can be mentally ill and even suicidal and evil and monstrous on the inside in private, but still fully functioning on the surface level.
So it's not one or the other for me, it's definitely both. It's all at once simultaneously. It's a lot of compartmentalization which to the extreme
kind of resembles DID. And I think the more fully functioning you are on the outside... the less believable your inner insanity becomes to other
people. I feel like people never feel sorry enough, cause they're largely unbelieving. The darker parts are literally invisible to people as long as
you look fine on the outside; appearance alone really matters/counts. If your hair is brushed. If your clothes are clean, etc.
But then, how far do you go to prove to someone else how broken you really are? I've only gone as far as talking, tbh. I mean I've done some things,
I've withdrawn socially, I've kicked in cabinet doors and destroyed some things in the house during specific episodes, and I've trolled some internet
places, etc. But for the most part I've just talked... and that's not proof of anything.
I rarely tell people how I really feel anymore but when I have, it's like they are literally incapable of believing like they can't help but think I'm
lying for some reason- even if it's something stupid like a story about an ex-boyfriend or how I won an award on my third eye head bust one semester
(even though there are pictures of it) and etc. I just look too normal or something. I've just decided I'm unbelievable and also I'm wrong all the
time. Can't do anything about it, apparently. Radical acceptance, I got this down to a science.
And I'll write about it all and share it with everyone and call it a fiction cause people can't stomach the reality. And I'll secretly hope the
hateful and judging audience is reading and that will only make me all the more passionate about what I'm really trying to say.
I've got no shame left. I'm tired of shame. I'm working on my revenge now.
But anyway, I hope you're feeling better and I read somewhere around here that everything in a dream is supposed to represent yourself, even other
characters in your dream. Even houses and landscapes represent yourself.
Please keep writing and sharing! Whenever you should feel compelled, etc. And I'm sorry for using your thread as an opportunity for me to rant.
Just tell me to shut up and I'll do it, for real!
edit on 3-5-2016 by geezlouise because: (no reason given)