10 Weird Things That Predict Divorce, According To Science, Because There's Another Reason ...

a reply to: intrptr

The very act of shacking up is a statement that each are maintaining a foot already out the door as insurance.

Trouble is--it doesn't insure much that's good. It more or less insures less than optimum and less than maximum commitment to making certain that the relationship endures long term.

a reply to: DBCowboy

WELL PUT.

RELATIONSHIPS DO REQUIRE MAINTENANCE, WORK.

WHEN there's sufficient dedicated commitment TO LOVE maintained in an attitude and spirit of love, it's a lot easier . . . like the boy who said "He's not heavy, mister--he's my brother."

a reply to: DOCHOLIDAZE1

It tends to be

1. money
2. sex

as the topics of most arguments. And inherent in a lot of those arguments is the issue of

!!!!CONTROL!!!!

How about I just chose poorly. I was deeply in love-I think he was too. But we didn't plan on being parents but it happened. From that point on for almost 20 years he was resentful and abusive. It had to end so I did it. None of the op's points happened to cause my divorce. I chose poorly.

a reply to: BO XIAN

My spouse and I "fail" on three of those and we've happily married for 16 years. Still madly in love, as well.

This is a great list, though, because of the way they based some on statistics, resulting in factors they admit they don't understand. That alone is enough reason to appreciate the article.

a reply to: Abysha

I don't understand the first sentence of your second paragraph.

Congrats on your 16 years-in-love marriage. Wonderful.

imho, the statistics cited allow reasonable inferences in general ways for the average member of the population.

a reply to: BO XIAN

What I heard and it stuck with me was,

A marriage is always going to be 60/40. Sometimes the 60% is you, Sometimes the 40% will be you. While you're being the 60% don't forget the last time you were the 40%.

Along with that was,
Sometimes what you want isn't the best thing for you.

Both of those sayings kept me on the level and we were together for 30 years. Of course this is assuming someone hearing this advise doesn't have their head up their posterior, and is more mature than 13 yr old.

a reply to: BO XIAN

The very act of shacking up is a statement that each are maintaining a foot already out the door as insurance.

That is the stigma, 'shacking up'. To me (now) thats a test drive. How do you know you are compatible with someone unless you give it a try?

a reply to: Caver78

Great points.

That bit about unless their head is stuck up their rear . . . and a 13 year old mentality . . .

Crucial issues. And, issues which seem to be far too frequently evidenced in our era's relationships.

Thanks for your kind reply.

a reply to: intrptr

The arranged marriages of China and the rest of Asia managed well at least as often.

Folks DECIDED to be compatible, to MAKE IT WORK IN A LOVING WAY. And it did.

Sure there are exceptions.

And, there are exceptions where some that started out shacking up make it work, too.

But, imho, either beginning--marriage first or shacking up first--virtually all relationships hit some version of a wall sooner or later where selfishness has to give way to authentically putting the other person first out of love. If that doesn't happen, then the marriage is over regardless of the legalities.

Folks that never hit that wall--more power to them. It IS POSSIBLE to keep love alive from beginning to end. But it doesn't happen automatically or without focused effort.

originally posted by: BO XIAN
a reply to: Abysha

I don't understand the first sentence of your second paragraph.

Congrats on your 16 years-in-love marriage. Wonderful.

imho, the statistics cited allow reasonable inferences in general ways for the average member of the population.

I don't understand even half of what I say so don't feel bad. I was saying that my spouse and I do three of the things on the list.

Thanks for the congratulations. I'm not sure either of us can take credit for it, though; we just happen to be super compatible.

originally posted by: intrptr
a reply to: BO XIAN

The very act of shacking up is a statement that each are maintaining a foot already out the door as insurance.

That is the stigma, 'shacking up'. To me (now) thats a test drive. How do you know you are compatible with someone unless you give it a try?

Exactly. And I think compatibility is what makes for a successful marriage. By "successful marriage", I don't mean just any marriage that lasts, I mean marriages where both people are truly happy. For that to happen, a basic compatibility needs to be there to begin with.

a reply to: Abysha

For that to happen, a basic compatibility needs to be there to begin with.

I know , common sense. I had no idea he snored so loud, left his underwear lying about and doesn't flush the toilet.

Yah well she clutters the bathroom counter with a ton of make up, believes in quack medicine and lets the dog on the bed.

In unison, "We can't live like that!"

I won't go into the sex, food, religion, friends, any imbibing, in-laws, and all that money spent on "stupid stuff".
Better check all that out beforehand, first. Instead of becoming trapped by them 'vows'.

We don't honor common sense anymore. We're "In Luuuv".

originally posted by: intrptr
a reply to: Abysha

For that to happen, a basic compatibility needs to be there to begin with.

I know , common sense. I had no idea he snored so loud, left his underwear lying about and doesn't flush the toilet.

Yah well she clutters the bathroom counter with a ton of make up, believes in quack medicine and lets the dog on the bed.

In unison, "We can't live like that!"

I won't go into the sex, food, religion, friends, any imbibing, in-laws, and all that money spent on "stupid stuff".
Better check all that out beforehand, first. Instead of becoming trapped by them 'vows'.

We don't honor common sense anymore. We're "In Luuuv".

Exactly. For us, we require a man to be emotionally available, have compatible religious and political beliefs, not be a jealous person, ect. The rest can normally be worked on but there are some key traits in a person that are virtually immutable but not discovered until you are in an everyday relationship with them (either staying with each other a lot or living together).

a reply to: Abysha

Couldn't agree more. Thats the bummer about the institution of marriage, forcing two young ignorant people together without 'knowing' each other.

Especially the dark sides, everyone has those. Can you live with a closet alcoholic or spousal abuse? Nobody sees that coming, and then becomes trapped. Look at how many victims remain in a marriage because they didn't know ahead of time and cant get away now?

This could be building to a conspiracy. Damn rituals, traditions and 'institutions', anyway.

I think a lot of younger people are smatter than that today. Old peoples 'societal' constraints, lol.

a reply to: BO XIAN

More pop psychology. With a decidedly feminist spin. Hee Hee!