Not sure how I am feeling this am...

So my husband and his mother have not been close. She left him and his brother when they were little, made promises to show up to visit and never did. I am sure some of you understand the story. I just got to the point, in 4 years might I add, where I can count how many times I have seen this woman on two hands. That makes 6 or 7 times total.

My husband texted me this am that she has died. Possibly a combo of pills and alcohol. This isn't surprising to me since she has been hospitalized 2 or 3 times since I have been with my husband over alcohol at a minimum. My sister in law is sad. My husband and brother in law seem to be normal. My father in law (they were divorced) seems pretty upset and blaming himself. I don't know the woman well enough to feel more remorse than I would hearing a celebrity died. I am concerned that my normally calm cool and collected husband will react badly to this later. Some pent up anger or sadness will come of it. I worry for him.

In the end I don't understand why she chose alcohol over her kids. I don't understand why a woman would leave their kids behind and then barely see them. Its sad that she chose this path for her life but her decision impacted two little boys. I feel for those two little boys that are now wonderful grown men (dear god please don't tell my brother in law I said that).

Please send good thoughts to my husband and his brother, and father. Especially dad. He blames himself and can really use the good vibes!

YachiruKusajishi,

Sometimes addiction isn't a choice, ya know. I dealt with similar issues regarding both branches of my parentage, thankfully that is over and both of my parents made it out (mostly) alive. My sister wasn't so lucky. The drugs didn't kill her bit they put her in a position which made it easier for the sick bastard that did.

I hope that all parties affected by this tragedy find solace and relief for their grief and come to the understanding that this was not their fault.

a reply to: CagliostroTheGreat

I agree it isn't always a choice. Like I said I am feeling conflicted today. Its strange because with their relationship being as it was I am not sure how I am supposed to "be there" for my husband. I guess I will just be here and let him bring it up naturally. I don't want to push the subject to much with him.

YachiruKusajishi,

At the very least, I would ask him how he feels. I don't know him so I don't know how he deals with grief.

It may just end up bottled inside where he will let it fester, not good.

He may feel like talking about it would be emasculating or he may simply not know how to initiate such a conversation.

I would ask him about it, ask him if he wants to talk. He may not immediately, let him take his time and don't press the issue.

I wish you and yours nothing but the best.

Thank you! He is staying at work for now. I will ask him later and maybe let the baby stay up a little later than normal so she can give daddy some cuddles.

You are a good wife. Sending prayers...

a reply to: YachiruKusajishi

I am concerned that my normally calm cool and collected husband will react badly to this later. Some pent up anger or sadness will come of it. I worry for him.

All the stages he will go through in grieving are completely normal for most people.

First surprise, shock, denial, anger, blame, guilt, sadness and finally, acceptance. i takes longer for some than others and can bounce between between them. Just be there, let him go through it, don't try to fix him or be impatient with him. Men especially have harder time showing their feelings.

5 stages of grief

a reply to: YachiruKusajishi

I heard from my biological mother again today,after about a year. It's my b-day,she phones me once or twice a year,usually on my b-day and Mothers day,or around xmas.She's had to have a colostomy,well she is around 72yo,so it's not unexpected that she would have health issues,but i was quite shocked,she said her intestine burst,she almost died. Thing is,although she holds a very dear and special place in my heart,i only really got to know her for the first time around 13 years ago-she spent 2 weeks with us. She is a very different type of person than me,she loves shopping,buying stuff,always wanting to be in shopping centres and malls. But also she is a nice woman,a decent woman,who has found her own inner peace after a very hard life,and i do love and respect her as my biological mother.

Thing is,it is hard to feel the complete empathy and understanding,the full sympathy,with someone who is biologically one's closest relative except for one's kids-if they have not been part of one's life for most of one's life.

a reply to: Raxoxane

Thank you for sharing that with me. She was a nice lady. She was extremely timid around me. I can be loud a lot. She had demons and a lot of them. My sister in law stopped by and visited. I understand my mother in law a lot better now. There seems to be a longer history of drug abuse in my husband's family than I was aware of. He simply doesn't talk about it. He doesn't associate with most of his family so I had no way of knowing it.

It saddens me that her boyfriend/roommate/whatever he was to her left her laying there for so long. I guess he assumed she was just sleeping it off. He came home for lunch and realized she hasn't moved. Then almost 2 hours later he calls the cops. Maybe I spend to much time here but that seems fishy to me or just plain wrong on so many levels. I feel bad for her.

I feel angry with her. Her son is getting married in July, she has 7 grand children one of which is only 2. She won't get to know them or see then graduate.

Overall I feel pity for her. It's such a sad thing to happen to a woman who was barely in her 50s. Honestly we were all just kind of waiting for the call. I don't think she did it on purpose. I truly believe it was an accident. I just can't imagine what pain she was burying under the alcohol, pills, and other substances. Honestly I am not even sure she will have a memorial. It's sad.

This board is super supportive and I really appreciate the warm thoughts being sent to my husband's family. Thank you guys. I am going to re-read responses so I know I am doing what he needs me to do. He was my rock when my dad passed so I will do whatever he needs me too right now. Any more advice especially from the men folk is appreciated. I know how I react to things but I know men don't always grieve like us women folk do.