The moral imperative

Hi all,

I'm starting this thread to share with you a struggle I've been having for the last few weeks that I'm terming the moral imperative.

This choice has not been easy for me as I have faced many challenges. This really hits hard to home.

I've been faced with many challenges in my life but the current challenge is like nothing I've faced before.

Right now I have to choose between myself and my family. At first it may seem easy but I've spent 13 long years of my life pursuing a goal and now that I have it in my hands I'm about to walk away from it in order to stick to my morals.

I've worked very hard to achieve the goal of being a gym owner and boxing and fighting trainer and now I have that goal well within my grasp and I am faced with a moral imperative.

Do I choose these goals over my family?

As of right now when I post this I am choosing my family.

I love my brother and sister and my uncle and my father. I've worked so hard to achieve this goal over the years you have no idea. Deep down in my heart I feel like a hypocrit if I choose my own selfish needs rather than choosing to be a greater part of my family.

These are all things that I have stood against. Choosing the self over others.

This is tough for me ATS. I appreciate your input thank you.

a reply to: onequestion

Your family owes a duty of care to you as well. It is not a one way street. It isn't clear from your post, why must you choose one over the other?

Maybe go with a balanced approach and find a way to still do what you love and yet still be a rock in your family.

Following your dreams is important for some of us but it is in my experience good to learn to make hard changes for your loved ones sake when the time feels right what with our time here on earth being so short.

a reply to: Leonidas

It's hard to explain but it's a feeling I have deep down inside.

I feel like going after my own success while forgetting them is selfish and anti progressive and against everything I believe in.

a reply to: onequestion

You are of greatest value to your family as a happy, well-adjusted and successful person. They may not understand now, and even if they abandon you - briefly - doe not mean that you have to abandon them.

Follow your gut, trust your instincts. And don't close the door on them no matter how mad they may get, in my experience most anger is based on fear.

We only get one life to live, you have to do what you believe is right. And I doubt your family would want you to be miserable.

a reply to: Leonidas

That one life to live is why I feel the need to do what's right.

a reply to: onequestion

Well you haven't provided any details as to what the situation is with your family and why you have to give up your dream, so I'm hesitant to advise.

Though I feel I should remind you that we still have to survive in this capitalistic hellhole until I become Dictator.

a reply to: onequestion

I feel as if I can relate to your quandary (with my own unique circumstances) but I'm not quite clear on why it's an either/or situation in your case. (I'm not implying that it isn't, I'm just not understand why you see it that way.)

Why would your family NOT want you to achieve your dream - especially if it's within reach? Is there a family business in which you're expected to have a career?

a reply to: onequestion

Perhaps you are "afraid of success" and sabotaging your efforts.

It's really hard for me to envision how exactly choosing this career would mean leaving your family.
Can you give any more details to help us understand?


I am not unfamiliar with that type of choice though- when I finished college, I got an offer to do exactly what I wanted to do, but the same time, my boyfriend had to go back to France, and I had the opportunity to go with him. The choice was love, or career.

I chose love. At this time, I think I chose right, but have had many times I was not so sure. That choice put me in the infantile position of a foreigner, in which I have to start at the bottom of the society all over again.
That has been difficult enough to make me question whether true love and a happy family was really worth the blow to my ego and difficult path of finding self expression in the world.

There might not be a perfect choice. I cannot know what would have happened if I'd chosen otherwise.

But, I do feel that whatever choice you make, you better invest yourself completely with no looking back, no regrets. Which choice do you think would cause you more regrets?

My husband had a moment of changing careers, in which he almost became a pilot for a commercial airline. But it was very expensive, and meant a huge amount of sacrifice for us and our three small kids- we considered selling our house, and living in a tiny one bedroom vacation apartment that belonged to a family member, for a couple of years.
He somehow got it into his head that it would destroy our marriage. I was willing (though a bit scared) to do this, to help him fulfill his dreams. The idea that the choice would mean leaving his family was his own trip!

Now, he is glad he chose us instead and did not do that (he found something better and the job market for commercial pilots became a disaster) . I have no idea why he saw it as this big existential choice- like I said, I was willing!

But perhaps he had deep knowledge I didn't- about how HE would get obsessed, or lose focus on other parts of his life, or get caught up in the ego trip and forget who he is (the aura of the pilot in uniform still has the effect on women and it's a rare man that can keep his humility intact there...). I don't know.

Is it possible that is more where your fear lies? That if you did this, you might get so caught up in it, and in your own role as your own hero, that you will distance yourself from those you love?

a reply to: onequestion

Sometimes you need to put yourself first and do what is best for you, not what is right by others. Maybe you could be more specific on how choosing to follow your goals will result in bringing neglect to your family?

a reply to: onequestion

Go for it. Explain to your family you still love them, but you have to live your life.
If you split in good terms you can come back later.

- You know, I had a thought on your situation, strangely enough, while I was out running with my dog.
(don't ask me why then, my thought processes tend to clarify when I am exercising)

The thought was-

Every time I have gone through a change in my life that was very big, personally,
A huge step in personal growth,
I became terribly aware that I would become a totally different person.
(Even if it is a very positive change, like letting go of an old fear, or gaining self confidence)
and that means that my current relationships with others would no longer work.

We would no longer be able to relate in the same ways we always have, the bases of how we interact would be destroyed.

That scared the heck out of me every time! I have actually declined opportunities, or chosen to hold on to certain insecurities, habits, or behaviors, simply out of fear of losing the relationships that are important to me.

But...
The times I was able to decide that the step was more important than all other relationships, and embrace that it might be the end of them,
that isn't what happened!

To my surprise, in each of those cases that I can remember, our relationship transformed into a new kind, and was better.

Reflect on that possibility- look at your past and see if there wasn't similar moments, when you were afraid of changing for fear of losing your loved ones, and did any way.
(hearing Stevie Nicks singing Landslide in my head)

life isnt about morals. life is about life. theres no grey man judging you. do whatever is gonna give you the best experience.

a reply to: onequestion

It sounds more like you need to find a healthy balance in your life. It is possible for you to have both your family and your dreams.

Wishing you the best.

originally posted by: onequestion
Hi all,

I'm starting this thread to share with you a struggle I've been having for the last few weeks that I'm terming the moral imperative.

With no 'details', there can be nothing but the most general of advice, not that you haven't been asked numerously for details.
That you appear unwilling to provide any implies to me that you are just 'bragging', and THAT is your point!
It's always 'easier/safer' to 'could have been', if only'...
I 'could have been a contender' if only (fill in the blank)!

a reply to: onequestion
As Dark Ghost pointed out, we have to help ourselves first to help others and in extreme cases we have to save ourselves first to save others. As we grow older, we're more likely to regret the things that we didn't tried or do more than the things we tried and failed.

Best of luck on your decision.

a reply to: onequestion

I am confused as why you think owning a gym and being a trainer would remove your ability to have a family?