Lack of confidence and trouble getting out of my comfort zone.

I used to be very shy and quietly spoken but I realised that my shyness could make other people feel uncomfortable and think of me as difficult to deal with.

Also, although shyness can be acceptable in a very young person, as an adult it's a hindrance and one really needs to get over it.

I changed my approach to people and learnt to approach them with a smile and a friendly attitude. You can see them relax when they realise you're not going to be a problem and add to the stress of their day.

I'm not good at small talk, I'd prefer in-depth conversations but, if you look interested and listen, maybe ask the odd question, the other person will just rattle away.

I'm like you and open up quite a bit when I eventually come out of my shell. And that's when other people fervently wish I'd stayed in it

I've got no real advice on chatting someone up except to say it's probably best to have a go at it after you've brushed up your social skills a little. Confidence is key, apparently

I could draw just about anyone out of their shyness. I had to draw my husband out of his. Perhaps your love will find you instead of you finding her. In any case, I'm sure love will enter your life, but really, try to work on that shyness. What's the worst that can happen if someone said no? It just means that particular woman wasn't the right one for you. Look at the inner strength and courage it took you to stop drinking. That's a strong person right there! You have your courage buried right now, or perhaps walls built up, afraid to let anyone in. Peek over that wall and then start taking down the bricks one by one. There is a whole new world out there for you to discover. One filled with love and adventure and a new journey into a rewarding relationship.

a reply to: llmacgregor

I had this friend in the service department who used to go to my project jobsites with me. Sometimes we had to stay over in hotels, I was married, he wasn't and we would head out to restaurants and bars to eat and pass the time. He was shy to some extent but his need for female companionship overrode his fear of rejection. He would hit on EVERY girl at a restaurant to try and link up. If that didn't work, we'd be off to another bar. I was impressed with his resilience and intestinal fortitude, he struck out 98% of the time, but every night he more than likely took a girl back to his room. Eventually, he found one that wanted to stay with him. Rejection is just an indication that you haven't managed to find the right person yet

The journey may be long but sample the food and look at the scenery. Good luck and good hunting!

Cheers - Dave

I had similar problems...joined a Pick up Artist group in my city...most people loathe the idea and the type of people that do this stuff, but whatever...I met up with guys in the same situation as me, learned techniques for picking up girls...forced myself out of my comfort zone, over came fear... and succeeded...

Good Luck.

a reply to: llmacgregor
Friendship, counseling and hypnotherapy. In that order.

Who among your friends is THAT person you always pour out your heart to, because you trust them, and know they will be brutally honest with you when necessary?
Find a counselor you like. Even if you have to go through a few to find one you're comfortable with letting it all out to.
Hypnotherapy is last, because you need to deal with your other issues before it will do you any lasting good in most cases.

Also, and this is extremely important. Do you have any anger or wrath issues? Are you a loose cannon when you get upset? You don't have to answer that in a post. Only you need to know the answer. Why do I ask? Most alcoholics do, and they don't need to be in a long term relationship until they overcome it.

Once you get yourself on the right track, you won't have to look for the right partner in life. They will walk right in, because you'll be truly open to it, without having to say a word. It will emanate from you.

a reply to: llmacgregor

Do it bro. Bjj is either something you look back on fondly or life changing and something you look forward to every day. I'm all sad faced that my knee is screwed up currently.

Start shrimping. Even if you're in great shape you're going to get your ass kicked if you go to a good school and put some heart into it. Feels good man.

It's hard to stay shy when you've been intimately attempting to choke someone else and sharing sweat for a few hours a week.

I have my doubts that successful relationships start out with a guy hitting on a woman. Don't go all MRA on us.

If you're not good with online dating (I get that it seems weird and desperate, but man it works well judging by my friends and family that are now married) try volunteer work. You're doing something good, you meet new people, and maybe you make friends with a guy and meet his sister and fall in love (or a woman that does volunteer work which is awesome). Or you could get really rich and famous super fast. If you do, don't forget Domo recommended it.

a reply to: llmacgregor
Which is my issue as well. I have no idea; every time something's happened I've been approached and I hadn't done anything that's why I say "be yourself" because I am shy and do not approach; yet somehow..

a reply to: Tiamat384

There's a great lot to be affirmed about being one's self. Can't be anyone else!

However, I usually recall my mother telling me that . . . and within minutes . . . "NOT THAT WAY!"

LOL.

I think it can take considerable time to sort out exactly what is the essence of one's way of being in the world. AND, we evolve over time in our preferred ways of being and doing. And that's OK.

a reply to: BO XIAN
Being does not need to be figured out in order to be...

Talking to women is no different to driving, playing guitar, Public speaking, painting or punching people in the face. The more you do it, the easier it gets..until the things that intimidated you before don't even matter anymore.

The only thing that separates people who do from people who don't is the amount of times they're prepared to fail and pick themselves up in order to succeed.

a reply to: llmacgregor

Buy some books and read. Adorn yourself with knowledge.

Nothing wrong with being solitary.

Embrace it!

originally posted by: Tiamat384
a reply to: BO XIAN
Being does not need to be figured out in order to be...

I think I get your point . . . and . . . at some . . . uhhh . . . point in one's growth, I think it's a valid observation.

However,

Probably a majority of folks--particularly . . . the old theme . . . those mangled the first years of life resulting in bone marrow insecurities . . .

fostering

--tons of performance orientation
--people pleasing
--perfectionism
--anxiety disorders
etc.
etc.
etc.

To tell such folks to JUST BE is typically met with incredulity and mystified cluelessness as what they "should" or "shouldn't" do next. I remember. I was one of those blokes in my youth and probably into my 20's or even later.

For millions of folks, it takes a LOT of pondering, LEARNING . . . and even no small amount of experimentation to sort out even WHAT the difference is between BEING vs DOING.

And even when they begin to get a grasp of that difference . . . they begin to ponder--

Oh, I can BE me? Hmmmmm . . .

What is me?
Who is me?
How is me?
What do I want me to be?

Telling some folks to JUST BE can readily result in long moments of mystified catatonia.

Then there's 'the art of becoming' . . .