Call It Another Lonely Day

Ambivalence abounds when important decisions need to be made — this case is no different. I do volunteer work and there is a colleague of mine I think fondly of. I know many people advise against potentially dating a colleague, but surely there is a difference when you are both volunteers? We have spoken a few times and she is always friendly and polite. I was thinking of asking her to lunch as friends and see if things transpire from then. What if she says "no", what if she says "yes"? I fear both answers to be honest.

I'm not into playing games, it's just that I feel somewhat "imprisoned" being in a romantic relationship and don't want to lose the freedom of the single life. Then again, there are times when you yearn for that physical intimacy and emotional support from a significant other. Nonetheless, I get the feeling that she might be pursuing other endeavours and my window to ask her out is closing soon. While an internet forum is probably not the best place to seek advice, I do know there are many intelligent people on this website with much relationship experience and was wondering what your advice would be?

Is it time for a change, or should I just call it another lonely day?

a reply to: Dark Ghost

You have a commonality between you....volunteering. So you have enough of one to go for coffee.

No reason to be lonely!

MS
A volunteer like you....

A "safe" way of exploring the potential might be to bring two coffees with you and say you thought of her when you got this. This puts the ball in her court. She will either appear pleased or a bit uncomfortable, but it is a way of addressing the ambiguity. Good luck!

(I'm paying for the coffees)

a reply to: Dark Ghost

Just ask her. Don't worry about the rest.

Someone once told me, don't loan friends money and don't date co workers.

What ends up happening in the latter case is people move in with each other and end up living and working together. Only the strongest of relationships can survive that, in my experience.

This is somewhat different, you're only volunteering there, its not a paying 'job'.

I know the few regrets I have in my life involve not asking someone out when I should. Now I live with that "what if". Which is annoying and I still think about those girls. I think it goes to show, better to regret something you have done than regret not doing something

originally posted by: Dark Ghost
What if she says "no"...

Stalk her.

...what if she says "yes"?

Stalk her more.

How does it "feel" when you're around her? Do you pick up any subtle clues, like body language, [ her getting a little closer to you when she doesn't really need to ] eye contact, innocent flirting.....
That can tell you a lot. Is she as friendly toward every one as much as you? Or do you get a little special treatment? All those and many more can tell you which way her mind is going and if she's open to a date.
If you think that door is closing, Stick A Foot In It and ask her out! What have you got to lose?

a reply to: Dark Ghost

Just go for It full on... don't pussy foot around, you've got nothing to lose.

I'll give you 20 mins to call her, then get back here and let us know how it went... MOVE IT!

a reply to: DAVID64

There are some subtle clues I can detect, but I'm not certain if that's just my imagination interpreting what it wants to or not. I haven't really seen her interact with too many other people, she is generally a bit shy. She does what she needs to in terms of the work and tends to go out on her own (as I do) for lunch.

a reply to: Hex1an

It's currently night-time here in Australia and I will soon be heading to bed. I next see her on Thursday, so if I'm going to do it then it would be then.

a reply to: Dark Ghost

Okay good luck

Two cues will let you know that she at least finds you attractive.

She removes the hair out of her face by tucking it behind her ears when you confront her or appear in her field of vision unexpectedly.

She pulls the back of her shirt down or "resets" the appearance she would likely want to display in the presence of someone she finds attractive.

Most women do these two things like clockwork. They get embarrassed when their shirt is riding up and their hair is a mess when someone they like or find attractive suddenly appears out of nowhere.

originally posted by: Dark Ghost

Is it time for a change, or should I just call it another lonely day?

Go for it Broh.

Don't let this be your fate.

Hey...it's just lunch....GO for it.

...and if she pays...you've got a 'keeper'!

originally posted by: Dark Ghost
I'm not into playing games, it's just that I feel somewhat "imprisoned" being in a romantic relationship and don't want to lose the freedom of the single life.

You're not proposing, just going to lunch... I would advise going for it. If it doesn't work out, at least you won't have the regret... Most regrets come from things people DIDN'T do, not from what they DID do... I could have said that more eloquently, I'm sure...

I asked out my co-worker years ago and we've been HAPPILY married for 24 years... I wouldn't change it for anything.

Good luck!

Look at it this way, you're currently volunteering your time without monetary payment to fullfil the needs of other people because you find it fullfilling to do so, a personal relationship can be seen the same way. If you ask her out and she accepts both of you are volunteering your time to be together. That is when you discover what her needs are; you already know your needs. A relationship forms when both find it personally fulfilling to fullfill someone else's needs.

If both of you are volunteers then you have a schedule to follow. That involves commitment. This is commitment to your time spent.

A relationship works similarly, but you reveal in advance you don't want a commitment of your time spent with each other.

Just note that if you feel awkward asking the opposite sex to go out some where with you, in your case to lunch, and it is not a slight generalized social anxiety that you're feeling which appears to be the norm for many people now days who have no sexual intentions, then you're awkwardness and/or hesitation in asking her out is to have sex at some point because you already spend some time with her as nonsexual colleagues. You can figure out where you are in your mind realizing the difference.

Because moral work that involves being paid or forfeiting payment and volunteering does not involve a sexual relationship to maintain it's existance, just as nonsexual friendships exist, if your end game is sex, then don't ask her out.

Since moral work paid or not, and moral friendships exist because they have been proven to be more functional and sustainable time and time again without requiring anyone to have sex, that work ethic model which nonsexual friendships follow, should be applied in your case because you both work together.

If you just desire to be her friend, then by all means proceed. Many males and females who work together are nonsexual friends that eat lunch together. Being a friend to someone requires commitment as does working for an employer or acting as their own. Bur if your end game is sex without comitment to being a friend and investing emotional time required of friendships because you fear being a slave to someone who you had sex with, the opposite of freedom which you say you don't want to lose, reveals that you are concerned only about your needs and are hoping she wants to just fullfill her sex drive as you may. And that's a gamble that usually ends up not being the case.

I still say keep it subtle, at least for now. That way it is easy to maintain the prior status quo, without discomfort.

Here's why, and it's a long shot but something you may not have realized, or could cause embarrassment for her. Some people are still committed to religious life, but they don't wear the vestments they used to. They wear street clothes and sort of keep it to themselves. I know. And it can get awkward. While I wouldn't even mention it, the fact that she is in a voluntary position might be a clue. But your own observations of how she dresses, etc., will tell you better.

Having said that, I continued to think about your dilemma, rather than my gazillion obligations, and I was wondering what I wished someone had said to me, that would make me smile to remember it for a very, very long time, and it was this:

"I was having coffee the other day, and found myself wishing that I was having it with you."

Sigh....but it sounds like today's youth have a different approach.

Really, the key to any successful first date is putting her at ease; Sit down opposite her at the table, look deeply into her eyes and in your best 'Batman' voice, whisper: "Don't worry...I won't kill you".

Would never date a colleague, if it goes tits up the rest of your time there could be a nightmare.

My dose of happy optimism for the day.

I'm going against the grain of the rest of the respondents and say DON'T go for it.

Unless you want to be happier than a guy on his wedding day?

"Goodbye mom! Goodbye dad! Goodbye friends! goodbye free time! I'll miss you privacy! Goodbye being honest about how many beers I've had! Nice knowing you my own choices! See ya later money!