How to Effectively Share Your Sexual Wishes With Your Lover

consciouslifenews.com...
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I would suggest a few ground rules:

*Never start a sentence with, “You don’t …”
*Preface statements with a gentle opener like, ‘It would be fun to try….” Or “I’ve always wondered what it would be like to…”
*No comparisons to former (better) lovers or husbands!
*Be prepared for defensiveness and try not to react negatively
*Start off with a promise to listen and respect each other’s wishes.
*Be prepared, think about what you’ll say if he suggests something you’re not interested in!
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I think this is one of the better brief articles on the topic.

I think the suggestions are fitting, practical and likely to be effective.

Sadly, it was not in time to help my marriage 35+ years ago. For some reason, in spite of all my training, both of us were not good at communicating about sex. And though my wife initially told the MD/pastor who married us on the follow-up, after-honeymoon-counseling-session--that I was a sexual artist--after 9 years she married a co-worker who was much more of a MACHO-MAN.

One consolation, I guess, . . . when we met a year after the divorce to jointly sign our last joint tax refund check, after a year of therapy--she made a point to tell me: "You are a good man." That was nice. That and $5 might have gotten me a cup of coffee but it was better than her saying the opposite.

Anyway--for those interested, you might consider the article and applying the suggestions. Should only help.

a reply to: BO XIAN

After giving this matter some serious thought I have decided that
it is in my best interest not to give out any details online.

a reply to: mamabeth

No sweat.

Thanks for stopping by anyway.

God's best to you and those you love in all your interactions!

a reply to: BO XIAN

Thanks...wish I'd of run across this kind of information some 30+ years ago. My ex-deceased husband thought he was literally "God's Gift to Women". In other words, his zipper was gravitationally challenged. I loved him, but twice (that I caught him) was enough. Walking out on a thriving practice, 3 sons, brand new home w/acreage, and, least of all obviously, me for something that looked like Sylvester Stallone with long hair/bangs and a body like Olive Oyle (he even admitted he couldn't find a t-t on her anywhere!)...oh, but get this...she was a " born again hippy". GOD! (wretching sounds)

THEN, best day of the whole mess was when, a year and a half later, he phones me and told me that 6 weeks aftef he'd married her...she walked out on him! I made all sorts of socially unacceptable gestures at the phone, as well as mouthing them too!

Do I sound bitter...yes. Poke me with a pin and I'll leak acid. Yes, even after all this time. I'm ashamed for it, and I've fought this battle for so long till I can hardly tell up from down anymore. Lost my middle son last year to top wonderful life off. His favorite son to boot. No, I haven't seen a grief therapist because I can't afford it...thanks to "Medi-we-could-care-less" jacking co-pays up so high. So, it's just me, four walls, 2 cats, my (bless his heart, and thank God for him) youngest son.

So, YES, people...pay heed and and exercise the wise words of the above article and AVOID a noncommutative life. It can mean, sometimes, life or death for a relationship. Please, make it life!

Sorry for the rant...and, PLEASE, don't ANYONE jump on me too hard. I do such a wonderful job of that all on my own.

It's always the same with my lover. Whenever I tell her my fantasies, she tells me that if she did that for me, she would have to offer discounts to all her customers.

a reply to: BO XIAN

You mean wearing diapers wont work with anyone?

a reply to: Rubicon3

THANKS TONS FOR YOUR WONDERFUL AND VERY VULNERABLE POST!

CONGRATS ON SURVIVING ALL THAT.

Sounds like he reaped what he sowed--and fairly soon.

As to the bitterness, Dear Heart, You owe it to yourself and your young son, to deal with it most emphatically.

There are some great books on forgiveness. There's some good net articles on it. Forgiveness is just 100% essential to a healthy life and peaceful sleep.

And, my reading of The Book indicates that we won't be forgiven for being flawed, etc. if we do not forgive others their junk against us.

Forgiveness is not about letting the other person off the hook. Actually, some evidence indicates that God won't deal with them very forcefully until WE take our hands off and FORGIVE THEM.

And, bitterness and unforgiveness have been associated with arthritis as well as cancer.

I know from hard experience that it may not come easily.

It is good to write it out in the best way you can. And confess the forgiveness DECISION every time the old haunting thoughts come up. And it PRIMARILY IS a DECISION vs a feeling. The feelings may take some time to take root--a time of disciplined CHOOSING the confession of the forgiveness every time the ugly thought arises in your consciousness.

Besides, WHY allow the nasty man and his kunky behavior to !!!CONTROL!!! so many of your emotions soooo destructively for soooooo many years????????????

It is as though his worst traits and habits still have you by the throat! Cut the bugger loose! Be FREE!

It may help you first to write a very angry letter, essay listing all his great crimes against you. List them all and how you felt about them then and now. Lay it aside.

A week-to 10 days later, pick it up again. Go over each item and confess out loud that you choose to forgive him for that item.

You could add my personal twist--I ask God only to teach him whatever God wants him to learn about each item.

I repent for trying to take God's role and to be detective, arresting officer, judge, jury and executioner about it all.

And, actually, the underlying emotion was likely HURT. BONE CHILLING HURT AND DEVASTATION.

That's understandable. But you don't need to camp there another several decades!

Without forgiveness, you have a wrenching, retched puss pocket of festering poison in the center of your being that is taking its toll on your life as well as on the joy you could be having more fully with your younger son.

He can't enjoy seeing you this way.

Anyway--Prayers and hugs,
BoX

a reply to: R0BINH00D

Maybe it's too late or I'm too dense about your meaning but I have no clue how you mean that or what you're referring to. Please explain.

a reply to: VictorVonDoom

I think maybe I do NOT want to ask for elaboration and clarification.

It did bring a good chuckle, however.

Thx for that.

Wait, what? I'm supposed to have more tact than "Hey hot stuff! The clothes -- lose 'em!"?

XD

In all reality, it doesn't take much talking to get our desires across. We're pretty good with the non-verbal communication & hinting

a reply to: Nyiah

Certainly nonverbal communications used well can be wonderful.

However, most men don't tend to take hints very well. And many of them seem to need a figurative 2 X 4 up-side the head to get the message.

A female partner is wise to be very clear about what she wants, how she wants it and when she wants it.

a reply to: CovertAgenda

Not at my house. LOL.

I live alone anyway.

I built a sex swing for my and my wife a while back. The tricky part was I knew it wasn't going to be a perfect design the first try. So one day when she came home I let her know that I'd been working on something and I need her to try it on and give it a test run and let me know about any changes it needed.

I let her know that I'd be strapping her into what used to be a harness that I'd stripped down to re stitch and I'd be attaching her to a swinging single mount post from the door frame. (I tested it first on the door frame as I knew it would be secure.)

She smiled and laughed, I'm sure wondering what exactly I was about to strap her to and if it was safe or not. I made sure and had a giant bean bag chair under her in case something didn't hold.

As it turned out, aside from a few adjustments for comfort purposes and her giving me some quick lessons on the proper way to make a good stitch by hand it worked quite well.

It help being with someone for a while too. After so long they know you're weird and in what ways so they aren't put off when you just blurt out, "Hey, I need to strap you to the ceiling in this homemade sex swing if you don't mind."

a reply to: CovertAgenda

Besides . . . I think a woman who does her kagle (sp) exercises can win out over anal sex most any day.

I hear Middle Eastern women are so good at such that they can bring a man to severe pain very quickly just by their muscle control.

How did we get here? Oh, right a sex thread. Why am I surprised. LOL.

a reply to: mOjOm

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

I think I may be toooooooooo visually oriented in my imagination.

Sadly my wife and I didn't know how to have fun in bed.

The absurd thing about that was that I was a California certified sex therapist.

I think they missed that part in the course work. I think they assumed that everyone knew the fun part. LOL.

a reply to: BO XIAN

Thank you...wonderful words to heed. I was on the verge of contacting him, we live(d) in the same city after decades, to attempt closure when he died unexpectedly. This was some 7-8 years ago when he was on his 5th-6th wife/live-in. He wasn't the type to get on without a woman around. Yet another chunk out of my soul. It's rather weird...there are times when I can see (?) little puffs of what seems to be light foggy smoke coming from each side of my body, floating forward, away from me. I feel like I'm seeing bits of my soul slowly leaving my body...at least, that's how I would describe it. Near scarey it is.

At any rate. I think I (may be "we") made peace one morning as I sat watching the sun rise over the mountains, thinking of the many hunts we went on when married. It was almost a dreamy state, when I noticed the smell of sage all around me. I had loved that smell, good together times of the past. It kind of startled me and I got up, walked around my apartment...but the sage fragrance was ONLY around my chair. Nowhere else at all. I actually felt peace for the first time in so long. That was several years back. I try to hang on to it. But the damned bitterness just eats and eats. I know that kind of acid only harms the vessel that carries it, but...it's about an impossibility to rid myself of it. It's so ingrained into my psyche, emotions...it t'ain't an easy thing to cope with BO XIAN.

So. I've made public my innermost feelings for the first time ever tonite. No idea why...maybe just time. At least, in this instance, it's good to be a nobody. Thank you, dear, for your time and effort. I shall reread your reply many more times I assure you. Good night...and thank you again.

a reply to: BO XIAN

It was quite a sight. I will say though that it works very well. Having a single point which you're hanging from allows for different types of swinging movement too. Without getting too graphic, you can imagine that for every small step forward it increases the force of the swing against the person standing basically using them as a stopper for the momentum.

They're quite fun and I highly recommend one if you get a chance. I decided to build mine because we lived up in the mountains at the time and I had lots of free time on my hands. Plus I thought it would be fun. She was so impressed by it that she was actually bragging about it not just because it worked well, but it had the added benefit of being something I took the time to create as well. Win Win.

Having to request things of a sexual nature can often be difficult to do. But like I said earlier, it depends on the relationship. We've been together now for 16 years so there isn't much left to the imagination for either of us. I could probably at this point just flat out tell her almost anything and it wouldn't shock her much. But that is what's great about it. Because we all have our things. What's important is making sure you share those with the other person while letting them know that some kind of compromise or whatever will be considered without it getting weird. After all, if you plan on being together for a long time you really have to keep going into those deeper levels if it's going to stay interesting.

a reply to: mOjOm

Very well put.

I love your attitude and the cooperative attitude of your wife. Congrats.

Keep up the good . . . uhhhhh . . . .

work! LOL.

a reply to: Rubicon3

I'm sure you've helped many people with your vulnerable posts hereon. THANKS. CONGRATS.

Certainly I've had to ask for God to make the forgiveness real, authentic and comprehensive.

It has helped to realize that I've sinned plenty myself. I don't have any grounds to be haughty or proud of being holier than anyone.

And, of course, the line in The Lord's prayer is the very sobering one.

Some folks would assert that one may have to resist a literal spirit of bitterness. Or to tell such a spirit to get lost--that you renounce it, rebuke it and command it to go in The Lord's Name.

One of the foundational critical issues is to DECIDE, TO CHOOSE to be done with the bitterness. And then to move doggedly to do all you can to persist in confessing forgiveness until the feelings take hold and until the 'high octane ping' doesn't hit you any more at such thoughts and memories.

That sage experience was interesting.

Thanks for your kind reply.