originally posted by: bigfatfurrytexan
a reply to: Bluesma
So here's your chance to present the feminine side of that video. Because honestly....i cannot grasp it.
When my wife comes to me with a problem, I almost always have a solution. And its usually the kind of solution that nukes the problem completely
gone. She doesn't want a solution, she wants to be heard. However, without there being a problem she would have nothing to be heard over.
I understand your frustration and confusion. But there are usually two possible reasons for this sort of response-
1- She does not want to change the situation.
Like I explained above, whatever the "problem" is, it is part of a larger reason for being. It might have some potential benefits she expects further
down the road, and just "hanging in there for now" might be her choice for that reason.
Humans are also sometimes ambiguous creatures- we may want and not want the same thing, for different reasons.
We deal with that cognitive dissonance in various ways.
I find women will be more likely to relieve it through talking- examining the emotions (once out they can be looked at objectively instead of
experienced subjectively, and choosing different perspectives can be done). This makes it possible to remain passive, physically speaking. You are
correct there. It is moving the internal I ("eye") instead of the external I (the part others can observe).
This is useful in situations where either one is presently not powerful enough to change them, or as I said, has reasons not to change them, despite
their current lack of comfort.
Of course, if a person gets into the habit of doing this all the time, and forgets how to keep the internal I stable and move the external I
(manipulating the external world instead of the internal world) then they can end up feeling powerless all the time, when it is not the case. But
frankly, I think that most of the time, if a person REALLY wants to change it, they will. If they aren't, it is because deep down they have a reason
not to. There is something they are getting out of this.
On the same note though, being active in vain can be just as stupid. It is a waste of energy. If you cannot do some sort of processing the emotions,
changing your perspective to adapt, you will either thrash around in a destructive way (get in a bar fight, for example) or make yourself sick inside.
Literally. Your glands continue to produce hormones, and you get a build up which is damaging for your organs, resulting in all kinds of sickness and
Recognizing what we have the power to change and what we don't can be helpful,
but so is recognizing our many layers of consciousness, desires and needs, which sometimes are contradictory.
2- She wants to find the solution herself.
That is pretty elementary, and she'll tell you if it is the case. But often, for women, the voyage or the process is more important than the goal or
The process may be part of developing a skill or habit, and the goal is simply a marker to aid in that.
If you decide to run many miles away, to build your muscles and exercise your heart, it really defeats the purpose if someone insists on driving you
there, so you get there faster....