a reply to: Freija
Luckily it hasn't gone so far as to bother me as much, as say the parts I have to constantly see. I don't really view my genitals as a part of my body
in the same way as say my arm, leg, ear, or any other part. It's like the mental body map doesn't pick it up. Same goes for my frame, while my chest
size isn't huge, 38", for a 5'9" person, but my shoulders bothered me when I see them, despite everyone around me saying it's not telling, or never
being misgendered after a certain point into hormones, I still felt it was off. I always feel like my frame as a whole is larger than what my brain
thinks is there, I Imagine it's similar to phantom limb syndrome in someways, and it could be similar to body dysmorphia, Idk how that works maybe the
brain has a rough map based on the ranges of structures that exist. As for the shoulders, I knew I couldn't do anything about them, and as seeing how
they were the biggest issue for me, I had to do something. So I thought if I couldn't make them smaller, I could make them look smaller compared to
the surrounding area, so breast implants it was, I went from a small B which is what the hormones has done, to a large C and it made a massive amount
of difference, I can honestly say that it solved that issue.
I know a lot of the discomfort comes from my bias towards what I see in the mirror, I was just use to seeing pre-hormone me so despite the high
levels of changes I still pick out those features that can't change like the nose or shoulder width and then fill in the rest, still seeing my old
self and feeling like nothing has changed. However as time has gone on my mind's bias is changing. So I'm starting to see the changes and feel
comfortable. Right now not much bothers me, occasionally my nose does but that is about it, but that didn't start until after the shoulders, I guess
I'll always find some masculine feature that'll remind me. Idk where or if it'll ever end, I doubt it, in the future I may go under the knife for
facial aspects or SRS, but as of right now I can say I'm pretty content with how far I've come.
In terms of intensity variations, it's all over the place. Just like people in general, so some, simply being on hormones without social transition is
enough, some people, both are enough, some, small amounts of surgery is plenty like breast implants or facial feminization, others go all the way.
I've met people across the spectrum, some of the all the way people can be pretty elitist and think of others as less trans or not trans at all if
they don't go all the way, I guess with all groups of people there are assholes.
I don't mind answering questions for the most part. It all depends on the situation, I can say honestly you are no where near any line, so you are
fine. I just love knowing that people out there genuinely care about it, and want to learn as much as they can. As I said in my first post, I'm
studying to eventually earn a PhD, from there, research and teach. I love helping others try to understand something, no matter how difficult that
maybe, like this instance, getting someone to fully understand my this experience is nigh impossible given its nature.