People are being offended by compliments more and more, plus some.

It started years ago when I complimented a girls hair.

It was very unique and unlike the norm, reaching all the way down her back, passed her butt, and deserving of all the attention and compliments it got. But to my utter surprise she rolled her eyes at me... and stated with an air of cold contempt that she hears it all the time and in fact it annoys her. I immediately felt shot down and tossed aside as part of the multitudes of annoying joe-shmoe's who stupidly compliments her hair. But I felt I was wrongly treated, and even tricked into it, so I decided to try to help her out by suggesting that she simply cut off her hair. Just cut it off. Problem solved! To which she just looked stunned and didn't know what to say.

Furthermore, in my experience, girls complain about being hit on ALL THE TIME! And act like it's such a nuisance. Like OH MY GOD someone called you beautiful? HOW DARE THEY. And like, oh my god someone looked at your youthful, bouncing boobies barely contained in you tank top? HOW DARE THEY GLANCE AT THE CLEAVAGE YOU HAVE PROUDLY DISPLAYED. The brutes! The savages! It's ghastly, isn't it.

But honestly, it doesn't make any damn sense to me anymore. So I've begun to suggest that people just imagine what it might be like to be called ugly all the time instead.

Because even if sometimes, as a woman, I feel like my value and worth relies strictly on my appearances and that feels kind of belittling (not to mention fleeting), I still accept my lot and I'll take compliments over insults any day of the week. And if I dare be so bold and honest, it actually feels good to be desired, and to be told that someone thinks I'm beautiful. I won't lie about it, and I'll never complain about it again. I just don't want to be assaulted, OK? Because that's really where I draw the line. Because there are boundaries and there's such a thing as crossing them. But generally... if I catch the clerk behind the counter at the gas station checking out my boobies before he tells me that I am beautiful? I'm not going to complain about it! Even if I know there's a chance that they're sitting there imagining what I might look like naked, reducing me to a sexual object in their minds eye- I can't stop them from doing that. lol. And I'll still take the compliment over an insult any day of the week.

So thank you, thank you thank you!

And just... I'm still feeling a little shy but I'll have you know that the weirdo who asked what I did on valentines day twelve times in a row (because I ignored him) is just a tad bit slow. And he's been weird before that. Because I don't think he understands boundaries too well; he's actually harassed a fellow co-worker of mine and has been known to cross boundaries (grabbing girls from behind, jumping out from around corners and behind things to surprise girls in a quick scary embrace). So, that's why I ignore that dude, IF YOU MUST KNOW. And in fact, I'm now giving him the stink eye because he tricked me a couple times(but didn't touch me) and I won't smile at him at all now, and I avert all eye contact. But I understand he's not a bad person, not really. But I will NOT willingly put myself into a position where I might be the one who he's grabbing unexpectedly. Like hello, THAT IS NOT OK.

And I'll have you know that I have to make judgement calls like that on the daily- yes I judge people. I have to. Because people can get pretty creepy, and I'm no dumbo. So please, I'm human. I'm just like you deep down inside because I'm pretty sure you wouldn't want to deal with specific unwanted attention as well. It doesn't make me a bad person, does it? And sometimes I'm just having a bad day, or year. Cause I pretty much cried for over a year so sometimes people have bad years, too. It happens.

But I know I've been kind of tactless in other areas of my life, too. I can't help it sometimes. I'm just beginning to crawl my way out of this deep dark abyss and now I'm changing. Again. But I'm no braggart, and I don't think I'm better than anybody. I never have. I just know what I'm good at, and while I know I have limits... I've always believed that I could be better than whatever I am or at whatever I'm doing, so, I admit I'm a pusher of self limits. Cause in other words, I'm just never good enough for myself. So it's not hubris, ok? In fact, contrary to what it may seem like, I have a heavy self-loathing and shame that I've been working on shedding... and I'm just trying to gain even a shred of confidence in whatever I'm capable of doing. And I do a lot of stupid embarrassing things all the time that don't really help me out in that endeavor, lol, but I'm learning.

My eye tends to become warped whenever it turns inward... so I must refocus outward.

a reply to: geezlouise

You seem to have the proper perspective on things. At least in my opinion anyway for whatever that's worth. Don't let anyone convince you that you don't either. The world could use more women like you IMO.

Next time someone makes you feel like you're the bad guy/girl for complimenting them you should tell them that you take it all back and let them know how much you disapprove of that same feature instead. Then ask them, "Is that what you wanted to hear??"

a reply to: mOjOm

TY! And yeah I try to give em some kind of clue usually, lol. It's weird though like, a girl will spend hours getting ready and you can tell she takes pride in how she looks or in certain features (like the really long hair, for example, which doesn't happen over night), but the moment you call attention to it they act offended? OR, they act like, duh, they already know.

But B's, why are you working so hard to shoot down recognition and acknowledgement? Why you working so hard to NOT be noticed? Idk, just feels like a trick to me. Like we're in the twilight zone and everything is backwards.

a reply to: geezlouise

Yeah I know what you mean and I see it all the time too. Especially with women which seems the most obvious contradiction. Because nobody forced them into that low cut top or short skirt or demanded they put that make up on or tease their hair or whatever. They could have just as easily walked out of the house in some old sweat pants looking like they just woke up after binge drinking. But no, they go through all that effort and then seem to be insulted when someone compliments them for it.

Which is really what it is as long as it's not creepy or whatever. It's really just someone saying, "Hey, good job. You look good and I noticed and want you to know that your extra effort is worthy of mention." Is that such a bad thing??? Who doesn't like to get credit for the effort they put in to something???

Some people I think actually want conflict for some reason and will choose any method to get it regardless of how illogical they have to act. I would think obviously irrational issues would be the easiest to identify and correct since they're usually identified so easily. But people act against their own interests all the time and never seem to see it so who knows.

I suppose it's at least good job security for therapists. To find something positive about it anyway.

a reply to: geezlouise lol! I love that you told the long hairdo woman, she should cut it all off! I wish I could think that quickly around snobs and the like.
I was on the bus awhile back and a really drunk man told me I was beautiful. I hadn't been complimented in a long time and thanked him, but man was he drunk and his eye's were all red and clearly out of focus!
If it feels right to compliment somebodies looks, jewelry or attire, I say do it. I can't help but tell someone if they are wearing a color that looks good on them. If they don't like it they can put on some dirty old bland raggity clothing!
I like a compliment every now and again, but I've watched a lot of weird television programming were a guy is all pshycotically hung up on a woman's looks. It's always wise to be cautious with some people.
You seem to have a sharp mind and quick wit when it comes to folks like that long haired woman and that guy at work needs to get fired or take a sexual harassment course.

I was raised to notice things like when someone gets a new hair cut, and give a compliment, it usually turns into i have a boyfriend but thanks. I couldn't care less if your single or not, just saying something nice, that's all.

a reply to: peppycat

That's a good response that you had with the drunk bus guy as well. A lot of times what I see is that someone will get offended by a compliment because it comes from someone who they think is not worthy of even complimenting them. Like your bus guy. Obviously may not have been the best first impression on his part and it is questionable how much worth the compliment has being he's impaired and all. But it doesn't mean he is out of line for expressing it.

I've seen people act like a compliment from someone was equal to them vomiting on their shoe or something simply because they weren't the kind of person the one being complimented was in to. But that very same compliment if said by someone else would have been appreciated and met with kindness. I find that to be a very snobbish way to treat others. Just because someone isn't someone who you'd normally go out with or whatever says something nice doesn't mean it's of any less value. In fact, acting as if you're too good for a compliment really just makes someone less worth of complimenting in the first place.

So I think it's good what you did. Even though he may have said the same thing to just about anyone in his condition it reflects good on you that you're polite enough and humble enough to still look at it as a positive thing.

Now, while I do think it is silly to get offended over a compliment to a certain extent, I feel that I must speak up with a slightly different viewpoint. This is very personal to me.

I have PTSD, and as you may have guessed due to the nature of this conversation, my PTSD is related to sexual assaults that have occurred at different points in my life. I have always been complimented for my looks, and I still am, but it does make me very uncomfortable. I don't like comments regarding my body. I hate my body, everything about it. I don't like people looking at me in general; if I could hide in my house all day long, I would, just so that I would not be seen by others. I don't want to be beautiful. I cut my hair very short recently because people would compliment me for my hair, and I would constantly get hit on throughout the day. It didn't work; I still get unavoidable attention. Just two days ago, I had a man sit very close to me on a bench, so close his legs were touching mine; he commented on my looks many times. I wanted to run very, very far away. I try to make myself clear, that I am uninterested in the attention, but some people can't take a clue and other times I am afraid to speak up. I wear sweaters and long pants or long skirts even in the summer, I don't put on make up (only foundation because I sometimes break out and this is something that draws attention to me, which I don't want, lip something for dry lips); all because I wish people could not see me and point out my bodily features/beauty. I have an eating disorder that is related to my PTSD, because I figure if my body is disgusting enough then no one will notice me and I can finally feel safe and human. Human, as in I have a personality that extends beyond my looks, which mean nothing to me and over which I have no influence.

I realize that most times, the person means well, and logically I realize "I should feel flattered." A family member once told me to be grateful men look at me and find me attractive, rather than being disgusted and disinterested. I see their point, but the thing is, not everyone wants to be noticed for their looks, and I don't feel very grateful at all to be honest.

Some people would rather a person strikes up a conversation with "hey, I'm so-and-so, you seem friendly, what is your name?" or "Hey, I thought your response during the group discussion was really thoughtful" instead of "I think you're beautiful." I mean the other thing is, I feel so very hideous and disgusting that every time someone compliments me it feels like a lie, in addition to the fact that it means the person is paying attention to the way I look. If only I were invisible.

Here's the thing. I don't get offended when people compliment me as I realize most mean well, but I think people should understand that not everyone wants to be noticed for their looks. Just because you would rather be called beautiful than ugly, doesn't mean every girl feels the same way. I think some people would rather be seen for something that they have control over, something that is a personal success to them, not something they did not choose and were simply born with that they cannot change no matter how much they wish they could do exactly that.

I highly recommend you read the short article, "How to Talk to Little Girls" by Lisa Bloom. It holds some valuable points. Now, just so you all know, I am not by any means a feminist and I really don't like feminism and a lot of the views therein. I bring this up only because a lot of people will call me this when I express my opinion on this matter.

Some people just don't like being approached by strangers.

I've got visible tattoos that get commented on now and then - which personally I'm not too bothered by, but I can't honestly say I enjoy people doing it and I'm bored poopless of talking about it. Although, "because tattoos" and some peoples perception of them, I do feel a little obliged to be extra polite about it.

The things I do to my body are for me.

a reply to: geezlouise

I immediately felt shot down and tossed aside as part of the multitudes of annoying joe-shmoe's who stupidly compliments her hair.

Please sleep well Princess. You were nice and she wasn't. That's on her.
Thank you for treating her nicely. Sometimes people have bad days.

a reply to: JustAnObservation

I'm sorry to hear that you feel that way. You shouldn't be made to feel bad for who you are and want to change yourself like that. Whatever happened in the past wasn't your fault or because something is wrong with you. It was the other person who was in the wrong and you shouldn't be made to feel like you or your looks are the problem. Hopefully someone has pointed this out to you already but I'll just say it again anyway.

Nobody should ever be made to feel like they have to change themselves. Be it because they think they are too attractive or not attractive enough. Like you point out, it's not really something any of us choose. It's just what we are and some get a better roll of the genetic dice than others but that has little to do with who we are inside. Beauty is fleeting also like you say and anyone who sees that as the only quality in a person is going to find themselves very alone at some point without realizing where they messed up in how they value others.

I agree that people should pay more attention to who a person is than what that person is or looks like. But remember in most cases that's all anyone has knowledge of at first. They may not have ever heard you speak or know anything else so that's all they have available to try and break the ice. But I understand where you're coming from and I hope you can one day feel good about who you are inside and out regardless and don't feel you need to change yourself because of how others react to you.

You're a good example though of how in many ways it doesn't matter how good or bad anyone is on the arbitrary beauty scale. We are all creatures who have similar issues and problems in life and most of them are caused by treating each other in superficial ways which are harmful. We all should be allowed to be who we are without feeling bad about it.

Anyway, I wish you all the best and I hope you have many good days ahead of you.

a reply to: mOjOm

Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate that you took the time to reply to me.

I do understand your point, that sometimes it is all someone knows, and that is why I don't take offense when people say something about the way I look. I do truly realize that the majority of people mean well! I am also not saying it is a bad thing to compliment people, some people love that sort of thing, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that!

I think I mostly just wanted to add a second perspective to counter that of the OP, because sometimes you just don't know why a person may have a negative reaction to a compliment. I am in a relationship with a wonderful guy, whose first interaction with me was him telling me his name and secondly telling me that I'm beautiful. While it made me feel very uncomfortable (as previously mentioned!), I did realize he had good intentions, and because (as I like to think, at least) I am a nice person, I didn't spite him for it or turn him away. I talked to him, and never stopped.

Like I said, I truly do understand why people compliment others. I only wish to provide the perspective that maybe people react in such a way not because they are mean, or weird, or ungrateful - but because they are deeply troubled by it. Even actions or words with the best intentions are sometimes unwanted, and I just hope people realize this and don't just write off the person rejecting the compliment as "ungrateful" or something like that.

It may depend on the compliment itself.

I told a girl that she looked stunning last week, I got a huge smile and a thank you....not the expected roll of the eyes.

Ultimately I think it needs to come down to the intentions of the person commenting. Generally, people who compliment you believe they are offering a piece of welcome news and whether or not you see it that way is irrelevant.

I can relate to unwanted compliments, not because I'm attractive but because I'm tall. People are constantly commenting on my height. 99.9% of all comments are meant to be complimentary and I have to accept that premise.

I would prefer to be shorter, so in effect, I'm being reminded that I don't possess that which I covet in this regard. What would be the difference if I was told I was ugly/fat/dumb? All of these would be comparable assessments so why is one considered a compliment and the others considered insults? One could argue that the others a less of an insult because one has more control over changing those traits than they have over their height.

This is why the intent of those commenting is paramount. If it is meant to be a comment, it should be treated as such, regardless of how insulted you feel by it, or how tired you are of hearing it.

a reply to: geezlouise

People are mean pricks who think the world is like them and thats how they choose to be unto themselves.

When people bother me, or react like assholes I know they tend to think that way.

I stopped being nice to the jerks. Its liberating.

Compliments arent well recieved because they are not used to giving them.

As soon as you get a compliment others start to envy, because they are miserable and want others to join them there.

Be bigger, let them sink into the abyss.

You rise.

Nature is this way. We must be like nature.

Not like broken animals....not like them.

Set yourself apart. You will not be alone.

Ever

a reply to: geezlouise

My problems here in Australia are somewhat similar, every good deed or gesture seems to create a backlash.
Thank you's or not, I can live with, but the contempt that seems to flow freely afterwards has me lost for words to the point
that I'm wondering as if this is some kind of devine conspiracy from above, a sorting the wheat from the chaff maybe?

Anyways, thank you for this thread, and I mean that as a compliment

I cant speak for other girls or anyone else for that matter.

But sometimes compliments make me uncomfortable. Dont get me wrong.. they feel good but part of me is so insecure about how i look its like my brain tells me they are lying. I dont see myself how they are saying. I do not look in the mirror and see beauty.
So because of this SOMETIMES i think there is an alternative motive. I know most of the time they are probably being very genuine. But i get insecure and feel like i cant trust their intentions.

Now im never rude and i try my best to be gracious and non dismissive but thats sometimes what goes on on the inside.

Perhaps this is one reason some people seem dismissive when complimented.

Well, this is one problem my social anxiety spares me from at least. So that's one blessing in disguise that comes with it I suppose. I'll never offend or annoy someone with a compliment, because they will be kept strictly inside my own head until such time as trust and sufficient intimacy are established to make it clear such compliments are desired and welcome lol.

I've heard both opinions - that compliments are welcome and valued, and that they are unwanted or even demeaning - which is fair enough as far as I'm concerned, because people react to everything else in life in myriad ways. So I just put it down to that being true of compliments as well.

And there's a spectrum of "attention," too of course. Some attention truly is harassing or sexist, and those engaging in such likely will never concede that that's the case, so I can understand people's (especially women's) desire to point it out and set such boundaries. As is their prerogative.

On the other hand, I also totally can see your experience (and those like it) as well. At the end of the day it just depends on the person and their worldview, self identity, and the nature of the attention being received and awareness of the complimenter, all combined in various ways to result either in something positive or something unpleasant I guess.

I used to complement people. But after the first time it was misinterpreted as some sort of "advance," rather than casual musing, I stopped. My social anxiety does not permit me to risk feeling like that again lol. I can't bear being seen as "that guy."

Peace.

Though I agree with you. Its always been odd to me that a girl would complain about having her cleavage looked at if she BLATENTLY HAS IT OUT. I understand being offended if she is groped or harassed but being looked at is very minor and isnt that the whole point of dressing that way

I dont understand

a reply to: tadaman

See, you assume that "compliments are not well received because they are not used to giving them" and I really don't think it is a fair thing to say at all. What if the person being complimented has been mercilessly teased their entire life and sarcastically told they look nice? So when genuinely complimented, their reaction is negative - they think you're making fun of them.

There are many, many reasons people react the way they do. People are different. That does not make them a 'broken animal' as you so kindly put it. You have not been in their shoes, and should not assume you are better than them just because your experiences in life have been different. And your comment truly comes across as though you are better, that the OP should not "sink into the abyss" like those who feel differently regarding compliments.. a little empathy and understanding for others, and why they behave as they do, can go a long ways.