Death and Church - The Beginning of a Tale

This is the beginning of a story that I wish to turn into a book, or to the very least of 25 or 50 pages. I do not mind critique. Hope You enjoy.

There is a certain sadness in her eyes deep in the sea of immortality unlike any other. There is nothing that remains in this realm that could remind any that had passed her of such...dark beauty. Where there was nothingness, where there was darkness. There she was alone in the night in pursuit of a soul. There is an emptiness within her beating heart, that beats no more, that could not be filled with all the droplets of water in the clouds of the sky or those droplets stirring through creeks and rivers into lakes and oceans. An emptiness filled by blood remaining unquenched. It is her veins that are the thrashing rivers of the world, her silky hair that falls freely nestling her cheeks and down her back, it is her dress of night that is the darkness that enshrouds the world when the Sun sets and the Moon rises with a pale white glare and the companionship of stars that keep the world enlightened to the barest of extents. And it is her eyes that are these mighty celestial bodies that shine and are visible at all moments of the day with one being dominant of the other at other hours. As the moonlight glistens in the void above that shroud of eternal dark that covers her breasts, those slight gentle mountains with a thin valley keeping separate the two white as snow as the whole of her body, and that shroud which covers near the whole world save her feet upon which she could have glided on. And as such was covered, as had I adorned to contrast the paleness of her errorless(smooth) skin with the void of the night. Void of love and of hate, of soul and of blood.

That day there was no blue, no sky, no Sun. That day no such thing could exist. Had they existed the horror would not have befallen me and I, I a mere man birthed to some mere weeks before, would not have entered a realm to which did not exist anymore than the realm of Valhalla existed to the Holy Men I had gone to visit. No. No blue, no sky and no Sun that day to speak of. Rain pattered down on the roof/top of the Holy House as a crowd(mass) gathered and their skins reflected the light of the burning wax sticks atop chandeliers, what a perilous form of lighting so high up near the wooden top for the sake of elegance, and at front and center upon the altar where the Holy Men would soon be before the mass, of which I was, with their rears to the Sacrifice. The Sacrifice, made of cut tree in the shape of Burden and a man hanging off it, represented death for all and absolution for each. The walls and floor and top complete of tree and unseldom(often) to be devoured by heat. Save the altar and (the) chandeliers no decorative forms could be discovered lest the simplicity of it all be found elegant by some eye. The rain pattered down with far more furious attack(aggression) than prior to the extent of which the mass fell to their knees, their hands stuck flat together, their heads fallen down as if to avoid the glance of eyes of some Epic Lord standing above them and all around whispers; the vocals as of demons (daemons). And I, I sat down removing my hat in respect to being beneath the top.

Glancing round the mass I beheld a sight of faith undeniable, undisturbed till disturbed by a silent, but thunderous (in relation to the level of sound within the walls/room), steps entering the altar of a being dressed in a black (?) cassock with buttons from top to bottom, numbered thirty-three, covering much like a lady's dress. To this sound and sight all rise, save I who slowly, very slowly follows suit in respect to the daily duties. The being starts to mutter some sounds as my mind sauntered someplace away with tales of days prior to where I was a child(?).

The Sun was risen above and to it I looked only to be scolded by searing blindness and my mother. My mother's hand flatly striked the top of my head, which was guarded by a gentle layer of hair, and scoldingly questioned, "For what reason do you look at the bright sky? To be blinded like a fool?" To which I innocently answered, "Mama, but I wanted to see the eye of..." And so my mother curtly interrupted, "You can not see Him and if you could, you could see him all around not only up there. Soon you will go pray to him and confess all you did wrong and make sure not to misbehave in His House." "Okay mama. Will papa take me with him to go fishing when we get back? He promised." "He is busy and could not even make it to come with us to pray," was the answer given to me. "But mama he promised." "Shh. We're going inside."

Hi, thank you for sharing. I sometimes read fantasy books and am guessing this might be in that category? The last part left me hanging, which is a good sign of course!
It has a dark feel and was a bit eerie. At first I also wondered if it has anything to do with vampires? I've read Ann Rice's books in the past and remember enjoying them.
Anyways, Thanks again for sharing.... will we see more?

a reply to: peppycat
Yes I suppose it could be placed in the fantasy area, though I hope to add more horror as the story progresses and anything else that would make sense in terms of plot. The last part, italicized is a memory though that hopefully is easy to see. Oh and yes, it is about a vampire. The girl's/woman's body described at the beginning being the vampire. I fear I'll add romance which is the opposite of what I want and also that generally vampires are known to drink blood for blood, but with my story she drinks blood for soul. This is because my theory of the soul is that it resides in our blood traversing our bodies. Which makes sense because our hearts, which pump blood, are seen as vital in connection to the soul, as is the last breath which come from the lungs through which blood travels.

Hmm, you know, I wouldn't mind sharing more. I just started writing that bit today. I might not share the whole of it, or maybe I will as time progresses (it'd be cool to publish, but if it's all online for free then not sure that would work). When, and if, I share it will be of the same title, but with Part 2, 3 and so on added with the next part being Part 2.

I'm excited you've enjoyed it.

EDIT: Perhaps a little everyday. About the same amount.

a reply to: Tiamat384 If you only show snipits here that would be great, as I understand if you choose to publish, you wouldn't want it's entirety here.... as long as you let me know the title when you publish, so I can buy a copy!

A dark vampire romance? My vegetarian BF used to go into philosophic discussion about the energies from blood and I think you have a really good concept about the blood being the soul energy. If you do decide on a romantic route, the heart (that pumps our blood) has always been a romantic symbol, so I think your headed in a very intriguing direction.

a reply to: peppycat
You're so kind! Well then perhaps snippets will be there and I can always notify you via PM if I ever place more onto the site

Oh no, not a romance, though the first part admittedly makes me wonder if I won't fall into that trap. It'd be too cliche if it were romance, though romance may always be a part of it. I'm thinking that I may add disturbing scenes (gory) rather than horror and perhaps sex, though I'm unsure because of the fact I'm not sure what the relationship between the two main character's will be, and if sex were present it would NOT be in an erotic fashion, but of mystery/romance/poetic. Regardless ecstasy will be present. Sex was thought of a way to the gods by some cultures I believe.

a reply to: Tiamat384 Please do keep me posted!
I like the idea of there being some romantic aspect and yet not being a romance. After all, if a vampire has an incredibly long life span, the pain of love would have to exist in order to pass through time with some meaning to it... ?

a reply to: peppycat
Yes there will be romance, but not a huge focus on it. Mostly because when I think of romance and vampires I think of Twilight...that is not a good thing. But yes you are completely right life is pointless without love and its pains. All the more if the vampire is in search of soul and not blood. But the scenes of drinking blood will not be clean. I will be detailed with everything I can.

Will keep you posted and I hope to see your thoughts on the rest as it goes and IF I publish I will definitely let you know.



You've made my week. So happy you've enjoyed!

a reply to: Tiamat384 lol

I tried to watch a Twilight movie... just couldn't get into it with the story line.

I imagine if vampires were real, getting blood from a person would not be a simple clean sort of act. I can handle a bit of gore, when it's in written form, just not on the TV or movie screen.
This sounds really interesting since vampires aren't supposed to have a soul, if I'm not mistaken and I'm intrigued by the idea of a vampire acquiring or possessing one.

a reply to: peppycat
Well, that's the thing. The vampire would never possess a soul because if they could then they'd need to drink the blood of one person only. Though, how is it that if vampires have no souls, how do they love? Does love not need a soul? I'm going to have to ponder that in relation to my story. And it's funny how people imagine a vampire simply biting a person. Perhaps that's all it will be, but even so there will be detail of the blood on the body and its taste.

I can handle gore so long I know it's not real.

Won't lie, Twilight wasn't bad till it got to the supernatural parts Don't tell!

a reply to: Tiamat384 Perhaps in the act of sustaining it's life, the vampire also momentarily gains the essence of it's victims soul and feelings of love. It would be a bittersweet and fleeting reality for the vampire and with a long lifespan, maybe it would be the endless goal to finally achieve what humans are capable of experiencing.
The greatest love would be that of the divine nature and the blood of a devout Christian or even a Sufi poet would be both dangerous and alluring to a vampire whose main focus is the soul essence and human love. Personally, I believe the greatest love comes from God. God being like the parent of humans, a parent of a child or children are also capable of feeling the greatest love for their own children and could also be a target of a vampire... and then there is romance of course.
There is a deep sadness to the reality of a vampire with no soul and a thousand lifetimes to live and yet they are truly supposed to be evil.
I remember reading an article about the author of the twilight series and how after she wrote her books, she had an intense dream about the real vampire 'spirit' or whatnot and how from her dream, she realized the 'spirit' that inspired her was really terrifying and not like the main character of her story at all.
You can get deep on this and there is lots to think about.

a reply to: peppycat
That actually brings to mind a possibly decent idea. If obtaining the soul from which the vampire drank blood causes the vampire to feel great amounts of love, and perhaps other emotion, there could be good use of juxtaposition placing scenes of the violent drinking of blood and of poetic sex which would lead to philosophical ideas and perhaps through sex only (or other ecstasy of both) a better understanding of the vampyric character. At the same time if love is not the only emotion then it is possible that murder or other activities be done. This leads to a good idea of how the story could develop! Thanks

Hmm divine, but vampires (the cliche ones) fear the cross and other religious/Christian symbols though I prefer them to detest the symbols rather than fear. I'm still thinking how to deal with the cliches such as the lack of reflection and killed only by a wooden stake through the heart. Makes little sense (the stake) if they have no souls.

Hmm interesting article. Still not at all a fan of her work (though I've never tried reading). I'm unsure of her work, but so many writers (Grisham, Koontz and such) don't have a very good style, which is something I will strive for. I suggest reading William Wharton's books (especially Birdy and Scumbler) and Carlos Ruiz Zafon (Shadow of the Wind, Angels Game and Prisoner of Heaven).

a reply to: Tiamat384 Thanks for the recommendations. I never read the Twilight books, but read the article about the Author.
I imagine if a vampire drank the blood of a violent and mentally insane person, they would experience strange and intense emotions.
It makes sense that a vampire would detest rather than fear anything religious, simply because they are without a soul and like some fairies, aren't considered of God or of his creation. With the feeling of being excluded, I would imagine some beings would be a bit resentful.
Well, I'm happy you got something from my ramblings.
Cheers Tiamat!

a reply to: peppycat
Trust me! You should absolutely read them. Wharton is just....amazing! I doubt many on ATS read the Twilight series. Don't seem much the type, though I could be wrong. Hmm, emotions based off of personality from which the blood came. It would make sense, but I'm not sure I'll follow that. It could be that the souls, from the blood, simply activate any emotions she has. Yes! You have helped a great deal actually with ideas for development. If you are leaving then I wish you good night and will be sure to send a PM whenever I drop the next section or snippet.

Cheers Peppycat!

That was just amazing! You are a very talented writer and I would love to read more!

a reply to: Night Star
I shall post some more of it in the Shed then! I wouldn't say very talented though. Like I told my mother earlier. Everyone can write if they try. Thank you!