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Jumping in without an anemone

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posted on Feb, 12 2016 @ 07:11 PM
Sometimes a fluke experience, aka The Law of Accident or perhaps Fate, can shake us to our core and wake us up for a moment. Some of us may need continuous shaking to awaken and then we look about and yawn and say, “Now what?”….No, I don’t like that….

I am nobody, from nowhere….No, you won’t like that…., even if it’s true.

I’m not sure how this is supposed to work. I am supposed to take a fake name, get a fast education on what an avatar is and create one, go through hoops to protect my identity and location, feeble as it is, and then introduce myself to how many? 250,000 and counting?

I posted something and then went back and changed the name “to protect the innocent” and felt sick afterwards. I already know I won’t be able to do that if I need to put a fake name to myself in a post. I’ve been rehearsing trying to do that all week and I know I can’t do that. All I own is my first name, and even that I didn’t choose. But it’s all I own. I recognize the opportunity to be someone else now, but I also realize how much I don’t want that. So, my name is Susan. Why be so afraid to say that? I’ve been hiding for my entire life. And much of it for good reason. And my teacher…yes, I was fortunate to have one when he was alive…once told me that the best place to hide a tree is in the middle of a forest. And ATS is an amazing forest! Already in two weeks, I am empowered enough to state my own name. Plus, I am sort of playing with the notion that there may be safety in numbers. I want to add, “but enough about me” but would that count? So, I will say what you probably want to hear. With a name like ClownFish, why fear just jumping into the Water:

I remember being conscious before I was born and I remember the events shortly after. Not the “white lights and why did you slap my behind” events but an awareness of my own consciousness.

More likely than not, I had a significant UFO experience when I was four, followed by an out of body experience because of a brutal domestic violence event. I was placed in a convent to forget what I had seen, but I thought I was put there to be punished for what had happened and so I withdrew. When I survived to the age of reason, being around seven and beyond, I realized that I could not have possibly been in the sky for those two events and I began to doubt myself and withdrew even further.

As an adult, albeit questionable at times, I had an odd experience with a ball of light, that seemed to initiate some odder experiences of hearing voices and having visions, all of a religious nature. I could also see the future. I didn’t know what to make of this, but I thought it might be a good thing and might be useful to the Church. I went to my priest but he suspected that I was possessed. I didn’t buy that so I went to see the top psychiatrist in the university. And he said I was psychic. I wasn’t sure what that meant at the time. He sent me back to the priest who put me on a fast, apparently not knowing that fasting increases psychism. For me, this was a time of horrific fear and confusion, and I dealt with it as I do with everything. I withdrew as far inside myself as I could go.

Some years later, I accidentally got introduced to the world of the psychic circus when we attended a psychic fair. I thought that this would be my opportunity to learn more about the field but inadvertently got thrown into a baptism of fire when the first meeting I was invited to got canceled due to a murder in another town and the psychics impulsively invited me along for their investigation. I think that this was when I fell through the rabbit hole, or holes within holes. This was when the extent of my psychism became more apparent. Since the Church didn’t want me, I thought I might be of service to the police. Big mistake. I learned of police involvement and had to pretend that I didn’t know what I knew in order to save my own life from the people paid to protect us. Again I withdrew, this time from everyone: the Church, the psychics and my friends at the state police. I thought that this was my opportunity to try to imitate a normal life.

But those years became mingled with years of what I believe to be masked UFO experiences of a different nature to when I was a child. And everything was sprinkled with other paranormal events. My life became my own private circus and I was trapped on a merry-go-round without an exit sign. I wanted desperately to reach out for help but to whom? The only thing that could possibly help me was a lobotomy, and I wasn’t that desperate. I always maintained the belief that as weird as it all was, I might understand it some day. But for now things were getting messy.

When everything was about to collide 20 years ago, we moved to another state and started a new life with a new business. The good news was that most of the paranormal stuff stopped since we were too busy drowning in employee problems and business red tape. The bad news is that it was all for nothing when we lost the business, our home and my health from an accidental, freak massive poisoning to our property and myself. And so, we were left to wander about for some years now. We were trying to set down roots but the recent fear of fogging from the Zika virus has us concerned as I am deathly sensitive to these things. How odd to survive so much and then now this.

The catalyst in finding ATS was what some call the dark night of the soul, or one of many nights, but a few incidents of psychism have started to crop up again. Nothing like before, but it has peaked my interest once again in this mysterious thing called life. I feel like I have stumbled into a hidden forest within a forest, in a Fahrenheit 451 world and for the first time EVER, I feel I am not alone and I am not crazy. Well, maybe a little around the edges, but within acceptable limits.

Can I go now?

posted on Feb, 12 2016 @ 07:36 PM
Interesting introduction.
I like it.
Can't wait to see what you do on here.
Have fun and good luck.

posted on Feb, 12 2016 @ 07:45 PM
a reply to: RoadCourse

Thank you! I was afraid I had already killed my thread.

Why such a scary avatar?

posted on Feb, 12 2016 @ 07:55 PM
a reply to: ClownFish

Welcome Susan, you'll fit right in.

posted on Feb, 12 2016 @ 07:56 PM
Hi Susan

Enjoy volunteering your writing here, don't mind the censorship and uncalled for attitudes.

You have a fluid style.

posted on Feb, 12 2016 @ 07:59 PM
a reply to: ClownFish

You shouldn't be afraid, it's the best intro I've read. Don't let my numbers fool you....I've been around a while.

My av shouldn't be has a silencer.....and a mask.

posted on Feb, 12 2016 @ 08:11 PM
a reply to: RoadCourse

Thanks. I might need to borrow it some day. I was just reading your threads. So few so far between. So your welcome is humbling.

posted on Feb, 12 2016 @ 08:15 PM
a reply to: chr0naut

Thank you. Your avatar picture has become most familiar already. We've spent time in the same waters and it will bring a smile each time I see it again.

posted on Feb, 12 2016 @ 08:15 PM
a reply to: ClownFish


You sound like one of the more interesting, unique and articulate members I have ever seen on ATS.

Be forewarned, there are members here that take delight in crushing souls for sport.

posted on Feb, 12 2016 @ 08:17 PM
a reply to: wisvol

Thanks. I just say what's on my mind as is. Anything else gets confusing!

posted on Feb, 12 2016 @ 08:22 PM
a reply to: olaru12

Thank you for the warning. Yes, I've noticed that. I think my soul is somewhat resilient or I would not have lasted this long. Perhaps your dog can growl for me if need be.

posted on Feb, 12 2016 @ 08:39 PM
Welcome to ATS, Susan!

Here's a link to the Avatar Creations 2016 thread. The amazing artists on there will put together anything you like or you can just give them a photo to dress up. My avatar is of my cat, China Blue. A clownfish would be cool too.

Great intro btw,


posted on Feb, 12 2016 @ 09:13 PM
a reply to: seentoomuch

Thank you! I've seen China Blue on threads and always get excited. I'm a cat person and she's wonderful.

Thank you especially for the picture idea. I'd love to have something but have no clue how you folks did all this. Amazing art work across the board. Sometimes I just play with the accidentally discovered half moon button to play with the colorful effects of those pictures.

Give China Blue a hug for me!

posted on Feb, 12 2016 @ 09:59 PM
That was an awesome intro you wrote...

If you need ideas for an avatar, type ClownFish deviantart in a search engine...

These came from the links below BTW:

posted on Feb, 12 2016 @ 10:22 PM
a reply to: Murgatroid

Hey, Murgatroid.

Yours was the first Avatar that caught my eye. That is so cool. Did you do that? And I've wondered since I saw it if that was a picture of you. I sometimes just pause and watch it for a while in awe.

And so kind of you to do that bit of research. To be honest, it gave me a chill. I was just imagining, if I could have one, what would it be. I never thought of a clown face on a clown fish, and don't care for the idea, as cleaver as it is, but I was "picturing" an anemone with multicolored tentacles, but slightly different. Seems like you read my mind. Thanks again. And while I might have your attention, please allow me to add that you have my admiration. I could never survive what you did. Peace to you, my friend.

posted on Feb, 12 2016 @ 10:49 PM
a reply to: ClownFish

Wow, you are too kind...

BTW, I completely agree with olaru's comment above, you have a real gift to write.

All credit for my avatar goes to Romain Laurent in NYC.

He is well known for his loop portraits.

Also about that Clown avatar, yep you're right, it's definitely kinda creepy.

I typed anemone with multicolored tentacles deviantart in Google and it turns up a couple of pictures you might like (see below).

posted on Feb, 13 2016 @ 07:09 AM
a reply to: Murgatroid
Good morning, Murgatroid! Thank you for some good ideas. Nice pictures and good leads. Cool...

For you, my first emogy...emogee?...hell, my coffee's getting cold but you know what I mean:

posted on Feb, 13 2016 @ 07:32 AM
a reply to: ClownFish

I am nobody, from nowhere

If nobody is perfect, and since you are "nobody", does that mean you are perfect? Now I envy you... )

Hi mate, I am John, the most awesome member here. Welcome here!

edit on 13-2-2016 by swanne because: (no reason given)

posted on Feb, 13 2016 @ 07:54 AM
a reply to: swanne

If nobody is perfect, and since you are "nobody", does that mean you are perfect?

Heh heh, finish the line. What matters is that I am from nowhere - now here.

Envy no one. We are each a miracle...some of us a miraculous mess perhaps, but miracles nonetheless.

Now, why would you take such a beautiful creature and turn it into a machine? And there's an esoteric question there that could fit on all sorts of posts, but seriously? I love peacocks and each time I see your Avatar, I lean in to get a better picture of it and then get awfully confused. I think my personal goal is to become a beautiful peacock, ugly as the name sounds and ugly as the sounds they make. It seems that, wince, "God" almost gets it right and stops just short of the mark. Now, there's an Avatar I'd like to see, but I'd hesitate to lean in on that one.

Thanks for the welcome and the smiles.

posted on Feb, 13 2016 @ 11:55 AM
Hi Susan.

I'm Amy.

You're lovely and kind of freaky. I would read your book. And I would say... there is protection in staying in the light. Why hide? But I do understand that shadows are only cast by a light source. And the stronger the light source... the darker the shadow. Still, darkness flees wherever there is light and I hope that the shadows you cast(you being a strong light source) don't haunt you too badly.

I love you, welcome to ATS! I'm fairly new, too.

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