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Urgent Newsflash!

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posted on Feb, 9 2016 @ 08:10 AM
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Urgent newsflash: (for immediate release)

In a sweeping new movement which has captivated an entire planet, the puppy-monkey-baby craze has unleashed a new phenomenon the likes of which the world has never seen. Millions have taken to the streets, entire segments of society have been paralyzed as crazed puppy-monkey-baby followers chant the unusual combination of body parts marketed by pepsico under the mountain dew brand name. The catchy phrase first aired during the american football championship, the super bowl, known for it's unusual commercials. Officials at pepsico have so far withheld comment as the phenomenon continues to sweep the universe. (developing...)







ETA: I think we can have some fun with this one. Creative (update) responses welcome.

Mod Note: All Caps – Please Review This Link.
edit on 2/9/2016 by Kangaruex4Ewe because: (no reason given)




posted on Feb, 9 2016 @ 08:14 AM
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Update (0911l est)

An entire new field of medicine, trans-speciesists, has been spawned as millions flock to their local clinics and veterenarians with their pets and children in hopes of being the first to have a...Puppy-monkey-baby

(developing...)

Mod Note: All Caps – Please Review This Link.
edit on 2/9/2016 by Kangaruex4Ewe because: (no reason given)



posted on Feb, 9 2016 @ 08:16 AM
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I was going to say something about the "all caps" thing, but seeing the urgency of the post, I thought better of it.'

carry on.



posted on Feb, 9 2016 @ 08:19 AM
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a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

Is this what Eli was watching in The sky box, that made his face "a blank", @ the stupid bowl????




posted on Feb, 9 2016 @ 08:19 AM
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a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

My wife and I have been to the courthouse already to change the name of our son to Puppy-Monkey-Baby.

Sadly, we weren't the first.



posted on Feb, 9 2016 @ 08:22 AM
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a reply to: Flyingclaydisk
I am currently held up inside my closet. My roommate has gotten into a craze the likes of which I have never seen. He was peacefully sitting, listening to some music on his head phones......Then he started tapping his foot. Then his hand started bopping. Suddenly he rose and started dancing with such fervor that he knocked everything around him down.

At first I laughed, then he started to get worse. He was thrashing around screaming that name, that name.

I tried calling the police but the officer that answered only repeated the name very ominously. "puppy, monkey, baaaibeeeeee"

Right now as I sit watching the closet door thump melodically to this cursed song, as my roommate beats the door down to dance with me, I am wet and scared. I have messed myself, am crying uncontrollably and really just want to run away.

The streets are looming with wild noises of chaotic screams of that name, sirens and kissing noises.

I dont know how long I can hold out. I have found some M&Ms and a 4 month old half bottle of mountain dew. So thirsty.....

EDIT TO ADD: UPDATE
I was about to give up all hope and just end my suffering with a shoelace from an old boot. As I moved the boot I saw a twinkle of light. I was beholden with awe. Before me was a glorious thing. A great big and powerful chrome Boom Box.

I looked with frantic hands and to my relief there was a tape in it. Not just any tape, it was labeled "GREATEST mix tap ever". I knew I had a fighting chance now.

I put on some finger-less gloves and a pea coat, pressed play and held the boom box high as I kicked down the closet door and made my way outside.

My roommate collapsed and stared to compose himself. His dance turned awesome and beautiful. As we moved through the streets the crowds came to their senses. They stopped beating and kissing each other and instead followed me and my boom box to safety. It was a dancing procession of graceful silhouettes in lovely rhythm.

We are all currently in a fortified position under the Brooklyn Bridge. There are over a hundred thousand of us. I have sent data on my hybrid boom box and greatest mix tape ever technology to the authorities to see if they can weaponize its delivery. Hopefully in a week things can get back to normal. Lets just pray the now rare double D batteries that operate this technology haven't all been bought up by sex shops and hobby stores in the panic. Should the power fail......the boom box keeping us alive will die.

I am worried about flipping over the tape as well. There is a warning on that side that reads : "Play only if you are ready to ****-ing rock!"



I still hear the screams in the distance. The name being chanted by the fettered masses. "puppy, monkey, baby", this I hear echo in the wind. I do not know if my calling is to go into the dark and free them too. To take my shiny big boom box back into the lost city to lead them to this awesome retro rave we got going on. The hipsters came on their own. I didnt even show them the boom box. This path is dark and uncertain.


edit on 2 9 2016 by tadaman because: (no reason given)



posted on Feb, 9 2016 @ 08:24 AM
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a reply to: DBCowboy

Well, try Puppy-Monkey-Baby-Daddy-Momma, that should fly!




posted on Feb, 9 2016 @ 08:33 AM
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#Puppy-Monkey-BabyLivesMatter

#Puppy-Monkey-Baby 2016



posted on Feb, 9 2016 @ 08:33 AM
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I didn't partake of the "stupor bowl", either.



posted on Feb, 9 2016 @ 08:34 AM
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Sorry about the all caps, I was just tying to add some extra levity. (and having worked with AP many moons ago, this was how our newswire came across).

I will refrain going forward.

Carry on.
edit on 2/9/2016 by Flyingclaydisk because: (no reason given)



posted on Feb, 9 2016 @ 08:40 AM
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Meanwhile, the minds of the sheep have been taken away from all their troubles.
We will soon hear the strident calls of the politicians railing on about Walmart making too much money in our service/retail based economy.
Meanwhile, I will drive through downtown Reading, PA and view all of the empty manufacturing buildings and the few that have been re-purposed as retail storefronts/apartments.
We don't make things any more, we just buy things made in third world nations.... for the most part.



posted on Feb, 9 2016 @ 08:40 AM
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a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

News Flash - that monkey sure moves fast in the video. Why aren't the babys legs moving in your picture?

I find it "bad corporate citizenship" that no milk is provided for the monkey. Disposable nappies are so non-eco friendly (unfriendly eco is a better word?)

Come on Pepsi lift your game; You need to feed your models milk and use real nappies!



posted on Feb, 9 2016 @ 08:42 AM
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This is just a plot of the powers that be to accept the experiments on human embryos that started in UK, this will be the result of such research



posted on Feb, 9 2016 @ 08:49 AM
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a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

Forget the Headline, I'll give you a story in 140 characters or less.

'SLOTH GETS HASHTAG AND OWN MEME. NOBODY CARES

Another animal video becomes youtube sensation-Massacre in Africa does not. Stayed tuned for more breaking news on the sloth.'



edit on 9-2-2016 by Thecakeisalie because: (no reason given)



posted on Feb, 9 2016 @ 09:00 AM
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MORE URGENT NEWER NEWS FLASH!!! There are a lot of stupid people out there. Because.....THERE ARE!!!



posted on Feb, 9 2016 @ 09:19 AM
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a reply to: tadaman

In response to the puppy-baby-monkey epidemic, I have proposed a countermeasure system which will defend Britain against the possible transmission of this audiovisual pathogen, from the blighted lands to the west. Essentially this system will comprise a nationwide stereo system, controlled from a hardened nuclear bunker, protected on all sides by crack troops armed with grenade launchers, as well as nerve gas cannisters as a last resort.

This hardened location is the site where we will be compiling and deploying a playlist so brutal, so oppressive, so thick with discord and violence, that it will drive the sound of puppy-monkey-baby out of the hosts, whereupon any affected individuals can be placed under quarantine and fed scopolamine until they forget the song that is lodged in their skulls completely.

A version of the system will be deployed at every major travel hub, and around the shores of Britian, firing its sonic obliteration into the sea for miles around, to ensure that no fish, washed up whales, or astoundingly good swimmers from stateside, can get into Britain without experiencing the dark majesty of the sonic assault I am preparing.

I always knew that black metal would save the world. Now is the time.



posted on Feb, 10 2016 @ 01:59 AM
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a reply to: TrueBrit

I sat watching the water brit. I sat and looked at the reflections of fire upon the river. The flames consuming my dear city. I could not bear to hear the cries of my countrymen. I gathered my forces, placed an ox blood red bandanna tightly around my brow, raised my boom box, and marched on.

Our chains and boots making a powerful melody of defiant charge in a symphony of song and sparks.



We were met with a solemn sight upon our entering the now vacant streets of our once bustling city. An army was gathered before us, ready to crush our skulls as they walk over us and out into the world. One of several strategic waves meant to tip our great nation off balance and into mindless darkness. Endless jingles, more vacant and frustrated drones to proliferate this curse upon the world.

These were the forces of dark DJs. Music warlords forged out of the crap music that the now fallen music industry held as the pinnacle of artificial musical manufactured sentience. A hive mind if you will that made and entire line of dark DJs with terrible technologies capable of synthesizing sounds and visual aids that caused immediate mental sedation.

The fallen music industry churned out song after song that together formed a dark library of mind numbing music and jingles. They designed and equipped each of the dark DJs with terrible musical spells capable of astounding powers of perversion and control over the masses. The remix powers brought forth great darkness in times past.

The dark power of this dog monkey child has not escaped these dark DJs. They are rumored to be grooming him to overthrow the music industry once and for all and enthrone the dark child animal as supreme entertainment thing. Forever.

One such DJ was standing before me with his army of zombie fools and his own remix of the evil song.





I knew what I had to do. I opened the boombox cassette bay. 30 seconds later as it slowly opened I flipped the tape and pushed the assembly closed, and then again until it stayed.

I pressed play raised it high and let loose the songs of war.




I will post updates as soon as I tend to my forces. We suffered heavy losses but the day is ours. Lets hope this is not a Pyrrhic victory in the long scope of destiny. I have other concerns now as well. I fear we will have to put some of the prisoners on buses to Canada once their cellphone batteries die. They are hopelessly brainwashed now. They need the song. They need it.

Only heavy doses of sweets will calm them. This is not the Caribbean damn it, we dont have nearly enough sugar. Maple syrup on the other hand, that could do it. It would be faster to just ship the afflicted to the source. Canada is not isolated, it too must be assumed to be lost. There is no harm in this measure.

TrueBrit, in my heart I recommend you do the same. There is no denying Canada's hand in all this with their creation of the dark lord Bieber. He turned Rouge after his grooming and they have since been trying to avow all knowledge. Send them your dumb should ANY of your people become afflicted, now is the time.

I will keep you appraised. This is New York puppy monkey baby resistance. Out.




edit on 2 10 2016 by tadaman because: (no reason given)



posted on Feb, 10 2016 @ 02:26 AM
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a reply to: tadaman

Oh,,,now I know why you are known as tadaman. Ta-da bruuump bump



posted on Feb, 10 2016 @ 07:07 AM
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Breaking - Update (0108 UTC / 0808L EST) -( For immediate release )

The Centers for Genetic Mutation (CGM) have now confirmed the organism known as Puppy Monkey Baby (PMB) is actually a test-tube genetic byproduct of genetic material collected from a vertically challenged Autonomous Inflatable Amorous Humanoid (AIAH) following repeated encounters with the popular music phenomenon known as Justin Bieber. The exact laboratory conditions which lead to the successful creation of the creature remain unclear, but are thought to involve a background audio track from the mentally challenged lyrics of a Bieber song known as 'Love Yourself' and the alcoholic beverage Vodka. The exact brand of vodka and the remix beats per minute (bpm) are not known, but a CGM official close to the investigation stated the Vodka was likely made from GMO grains and the bpm of the Bieber remix is thought to be 80+bpm. The source declined to identify themselves citing the fact they are not allowed to make official comment.

CGM officials (who have also declined to be identified) credit their initial leads in the case to two members of a popular Internet website known as Above Top Secret, or ATS. The ATS members, who go by the pseudonyms 'TrueBrit' and 'tadaman', have allegedly developed the early stages of a countermeasures system for PMB defense, which then lead to the possible deduction of the possible source of the mutation. These early leads helped scientists from the CGM focus their research efforts on specific individuals and areas of the genetic chain.

At press time the virus continues to spread and tens of millions have been affected. While there is no known cure at present, scientists at the CGM are confident that effective interim countermeasures can be developed to ward off further spread of the PMB Syndrome in tightly controlled environments. Concerned persons are urged to collect family members and report immediately to their nearest FEMA "Concentrated Personnel Protection Facility" (camp).

This is a developing story. Please stay tuned for continued developments.



edit on 2/10/2016 by Flyingclaydisk because: (no reason given)



posted on Feb, 10 2016 @ 07:36 AM
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It's no surprise that people are having such a confused, horror-struck, visceral reaction to puppymonkeybaby. Because in our heart of hearts, we know....way down deep inside, in our darkest nightmares...that some demented scientist or over-indulged billionaire Dr. Evil type is trying to make a poor hideous creature like this. It's only disturbing because we fear it's possible.
lol!
edit on 2/10/2016 by kosmicjack because: (no reason given)



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