a reply to: Reverbs
Your last few posts honestly sounded as just statements... disembodied; just matter of fact, with no feeling in them almost fatalistic.
Are just sort of drifting along waiting for something to happen; instead of making something happen... if you're content, however?
Don't mind me... I understand the lot one can be dealt; and in such a place impermanence will bring about whatever change on it's own time, unless one
is resigned to it and makes causes to keep it continuing as an effect... or just can't see any other way other than the way it is, and continually
As for myself... I keep getting up; trying this door, that door, this avenue, that avenue and they keep being locked or blocked... and of course; with
each door or avenue I check? I learn something... might not seem to physically get anywhere different except little by little as an expression of
creativity, but leaps and bounds in those lessons that shut me out or block me off... it isn't necessarily frustraiting, it's more like this isn't for
you... so it isn't going to be allowed to manifest, despite what you try... or others want to happen.
In such a manner; it feels like the future is set in stone... and patience is standing guard; not allowing any foolish rushing, as things worth
anything take a lot of time to manifest properly in their own due time fitting for them to arise.
I only say this; because you gave several hypotheticals that have not occured; that could be taken as wishful thinking... or lies one tells oneself as
if the future is out there somewhere instead of continuously occuring, no different than the past that is continuously being dragged along for the
ride... perhaps you are waiting for someone to dig the spurs in, take the reigns, or crack a whip to give you direction and get you moving?
You mentioned children... if that is something you definitely want in your life and plan for? No better goad for getting oneself and environment ready
for such a thing. Trust me on that... so many people unprepared; even if they want children, it of course isn't fair to the children when they arrive
for them to finally become a reality and then the parents go: Oh f*%k we need to get our sh!t together... that is way too common place; and why the
world is so over populated and filled with fecked up people.
Having grown up in such an environment? I was prepared... not a speck of dust, useless clutter or debris, child locks on the cabinet doors, immaculate
landscaping and all the habits required ingrained... cleaning up as the mess is being made... like cleaning the shower while taking one, all
mechanicals fixed immediately and on maintenance schedules for reliability, buying necessity and quality staples of food and products that were time
tested, waking up early making coffee and breakfast, sweeping the walk way and driveway visually inspecting the cars and defrosting and starting them
in winter... making packing lunches, clothes selected and lain out the night before... bills paid before due, thank you letters and cards, sented
candles and washed windows, dinner already planned out... movie nights and weekends away and on into work early during the week.
Sounds and was as ideal as it could have been... zero arguments, no hemming hawing or complaining, what needed done was just done. Of course; baby
arrived and well going from inside the womb to outside of the womb? woke up the ex-wife from the dream and into reality... like oh sh!t this is it,
this is real... this is actually occuring... I can't be a child any more... I have to be responsible and she literally freaked out. Always did what
the parents wanted and expected of her and barely lived for herself or what she wanted... felt naughty and rebelious doing what she wanted... and well
to feel like a child again? Embraced the naughty and rebelious and I was a single dad even though we were married and there... she was going through
the motions and hiding out from myself and our son, going out drnking and partying with the neighbors and well neighbor husband had a friend and
here's my divorce papers because shame couldn't look me in the eyes anymore and didn;t want to live with constant guilt...
But aside from all of that; and myself getting aborted? My son landed softly, nearly two solid years of completely stable and then I was gone... he's
18 now and graduated college before he even graduated high school, so already a better man than myself in getting life accomplished... in my own
defense I didn't have help; parents were always too busy trying to get their sh!t together... and we were just in the way of all of that
unpreparedness and were constantly blamed for them remaning unaccomplished.
That's why I say if you mean for a future with children? Don't wing it and pray for the best... get started now and be finished before then eh?
Significant other or not... do it for you and that future, that was hinted at but seemed hollow in any emotional attachment to it manifesting as a
possibility that you want... if you actually want it? Don't go through the motions, don't wake up one day... and make someone be a single parent.